Women of Reddit, how do you know if someone is leading you on/stringing you along? And how do you deal with it?

24 comments

  1. Trusting my gut. When in doubt I ask what his intentions are, usually I can tell by his answer. When I was younger and a little insecure I chose to look the other way for the attention. Now I say my goodbyes and move on.

  2. If you constantly have to reach out to them. If they are vague or won’t address/admit to feelings. A lot of “maybe in the future” statements. If you feel confused about how they feel about you or you are never sure where you are at with them. If you feel afraid of addressing the issue or confronting them because you might set them off or it might scare them away. Feeling insecure in the relationship is a huge sign.

    Sometimes the best thing is to pull back and see what they will do. If you don’t constantly extend yourself, will they reach out? Will they plan dates? You can learn a lot about someone when you let go and stop trying to force things.

    Secondly, set boundaries. This can be really hard. If they say they don’t want a relationship “yet” or give you those maybe in the future statements, say “Okay, let me know when you are ready we can talk again!” It is hard to do that but you need to. Don’t give in and continue being led on. Be very upfront about what your expectations are and what you want.

  3. Lack of texts, communication. Not making solid plans to hangout and see you frequently.

  4. Remembering this statement – if he wanted to, he would. (or she of course) Block. Delete.

  5. This is what worked for me:

    1. If (after the first few introductory dates) I’m not seeing you on Friday and/or Saturday night, then we’re not dating. I’m not someone’s weekday entertainment while you save your weekends for the real deal. (YMMV if you work different hours than 9-5 M-F)

    2. If they aren’t regularly making or committing to plans with me at least 3 nights in advance. I’m not your side entertainment to be called up at the last minute when nothing better comes up or when better plans fall through.

    3. Later in the relationship, if discussions of marriage end up with generic blow-off statements like “yeah yeah, some day, I’m not ready to talk about this” and then they refuse to bring it up unless I bring it up. (Does not apply if marriage is not your goal)

    I deal with it by ending things. Happily married now to the best person possible, so I’d say it worked.

  6. I’m 47, and I’ve been on a lot of dates. If a person is into you, that person will be kind and responsive and there will be no b.s. They will respond to texts/phone calls quickly, they will initiate getting together, they will be honest and interested. When you know each other better, they will pay for dinner and buy you gifts. Beware of users and players who tend to come up with excuses or ghost you, or show you they aren’t so keen. Know your worth. Treat others with respect and expect respect in return.

  7. Periods of heavy involvement followed by near-ghosting. I was with a guy that was clearly only in it for the sex and this is exactly what he did. We would talk non-stop for a week or two, hang out as friends and then he’d fall off the face of the earth for days at a time. Once he realized I would put up with it, things started to get heated. It got to the point where I was desperate just to hear from him on those near-ghosting weeks. Then when he would message me, we would hangout, talk and have sex then the cycle would continue. The biggest thing to look out for is them seeming to keep you “at an arms length”.

    Another thing is them not wanting to go out on an actual romantic date. If you’ve been talking for a few weeks and hanging out at eachothers places, plan a dinner date at a nice restaurant. If he makes up excuses or rain checks without an actual good reason, you know he’s leading you on.

  8. If you think someone is stringing you along, they probably are. You deal with it by leaving that person

  9. I read this somewhere and it took me way too long to listen to it.

    “If he’s interested, you’ll know. If he’s not, you’ll be confused”

  10. If it feels like you’re the only person who cares or is putting in the effort then it’s definitely one sided. Also, they may reach out once in a while and then quickly become cold.

    Honestly, cutting someone off is easier said than done. That’s the best way to do so because they have no intention of continuing the relationship. Unless you both are possibly okay with just being friends and it’s not in too deep.

  12. This has usually only come up when the person suddenly cancels a date and doesn’t offer days/times to reschedule. I usually let it go and see what happens for few days. Usually they drift away and I just follow up with a direct message calling them out for it (nice, but firm). And I just end it then and there.

  13. Actions don’t match words. I’ve learned my lesson. People will tell you anything to keep you around for their benefit. Their actions tell the true story. I dump them once it is clear their intentions don’t match mine.

  14. They don’t clearly define what you are to them, and refuse to do so when asked for clarification.

    I dated this guy for a few months; it got to the point where the “where is this going” conversation needed to happen for me because I wasn’t going to invest any more time in someone who wasn’t serious about a relationship. He would only give vague answers or completely stonewall me.

    I know we live an age where we don’t like labeling things, but “friends with benefits” is a label. Define expectations early; don’t settle for opaque answers when you know what you want.

  15. As soon as you start googling, something isn’t right. It’s best to just move on the first 1-2 times where the effort is not matched and forget about trying to decipher the meaning. I wasted so much time doing this and now at 40 years old, I live a more simple life. If I’m questioning literally anything, 👋. I’m not living my life googling every single word or action.

  17. When you make plans for a date or to hang out as friends and the day of they either say they’re busy or dont say anything. And when you do hang out they take you to a place they know their friends hang out and semi ignore you when they show up or like they’re trying to rush things because they want to go do something else. Basically telling you you’re plan B. Like do you like me or not? We had a good time hanging out this one time and now, you wanna treat me like I’m not cool enough or something? There’s only so many times I’ll try. I just stop reaching out and don’t take their “oh let’s hang out this week!” Messages seriously.

  18. Inconsistencies in their words and actions speak immense volumes. If they’re not putting in effort and aren’t saying ‘fuck yeah’ for anything to do with you, take it as a ‘hell no’ and move on for your own mental and emotional wellbeing.

  19. Honestly, I don’t have time nor desire for bs in my life, I like my connections healthy and strong, so if they don’t make it clear they want me in their life and put in the effort, I’m not really interested either and I’ll be on my merry way.

    I just know what I want and don’t care bout any less. They can’t string along what they don’t have.

  20. When they don’t care about canceling plans, aren’t interested when you speak, assure you you’ll adapt to their ways but being inflexible, asking for excessive favors (watch my kid, pay my bill, get me ice cream) excuses for everything, blowing off your needs, not appreciative etc

    Its never blatantly obvious, especially because most people that string you along seem like hopeless romantics. Always trust your gut

  22. Love bombing, showering you with affection and compliments, then being distant, then hinting at possibilities then avoiding plans, but still sending funny posts or liking your photos, replying to stories etc to string you along and keep you invested.
    Best way to deal with it is to just block them from everything and move on.

    As someone else has already mentioned- if they wanted to they would!

  23. You would know if you were. If you are unsure and in a position that you’re not comfortable bringing it up and talking about it, it’s probably not a good sign.

  24. In my experience of being strung on in a defined relationship:

    – Communication dropped off a lot, I felt like I was reaching out a lot (he did a bit) but also most of our conversations started solely being about him. He really dropped off in asking even how I was

    – Seeing each other infrequently due to his schedule and needs and him never really caring that I was upset about it or putting in effort to see each other more. He wanted ‘alone time’ all the time

    – When it came to meeting family and friends he just wasn’t keen to do so

    – Always giving bullshit apologies and talking about things changing but never going through with the actions

    In the end he admitted that his feelings had ‘changed’ a while ago and he was confused about them. He said he was never able to commit or reassure me of anything because he didn’t understand himself (lol total bs). Apparently he was giving the relationship a chance to see if his feelings could change (by ignoring me and my needs).

    I had to end it. It was awful for me because I had fallen in love with him. I haven’t seen him since because that is what is best for me. I don’t want to contact him either. I just had to take it as a lesson.

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