I have been with my bf for almost 3 years. we met on a dating app and were both looking for a casual/hook up situation. At the 1 1/2 month mark I told him I didn’t see the need to see the same person for so long when we were in a hook up only situation. I wasn’t hooking up with anyone else. I told him that we would either change the status of the relationship for « seeing each other to see if we want anything » or that I would rather end it.
It was then that he asked me if I was seeing someone else and I said no. And then he told me he was seeing someone else. So i told him we should just end it. He kept contacting me (not to hook up) but to try to send me articles to read and make conversation. So i had a conversation with him and said “either we stop or see each other exclusively to see if we want to date”, which he agreed to immediately and 1/2 months after we were officially bf and gf.
After almost 3 years, we were having problems with our sex life (it’s been like this for maybe almost two years). He changed jobs for one that makes him work maybe 50 hours a week or more and is stressful and explains the situation with that and my lack of initiative.
We were having a discussion about it and then he told me that he also feels bad for the previous time when he met me that he was just meeting people to hook up with and that it wasn’t him and because of that other things are much more important to him in our relationship.
Me… who had never asked the question before felt like asking it, and I asked him if he was having sex with the other person he was seeing at the same time as me, and he told me yes. Of course I was naive that when he told me 3 years ago, I thought maybe he was just hanging out with her or wtv since he was getting sex from me. The problem is that we had unprotected sex because we were both clean (I know, I feel extremely stupid) he never told me he was sleeping with someone else.
The result: I feel disgusted with myself and him. And yes, we weren’t dating at all at the time, but I feel so influenced by the situation. I’m not sure how to deal with it.
He showed a lot of regret, and from the day we started seeing each other for maybe a relationship, he was nothing but respectful. He apologized over and over again for not being able to recognize from the beginning that I was someone he would love and not another hookup. He admits he was stupid and that’s not an ok behaviour to have with anyone and understands how I feel, and doesn’t try to invalidate my feelings.I’m afraid I can’t handle this because I don’t even want him to touch me and I’m not even sure if it’s fair for me to feel this way. He has asked me a million times what he can do to make it better but I don’t even know.
I guess I’m just asking for advice or the perpectives of someone who has gone through similar situations.
TL; DR: Bf was sleeping with me and another person when we were in a hook up situation/stage of the relationship. I’m not sure how to process this.
4 comments
Hi there.
I understand it might have been a surprise to hear it but am not sure why its having this impact on you now.
I wonder if its acted like a sort of catalyst to some feelings you are having about him and the relationship – its ‘allowed’ you to be unhappy with him / the relationship?
This happened 3 years ago. When you guys were not dating. The general assumption there would be that you are not exclusive. It is understood in such situations that he should’ve told you he is also sleeping with someone else, majorly for hygiene and medical reasons, but instead he said he is seeing someone as you said. Whether he avoided specifically saying he was sleeping with them or he didn’t think much of it, the issue is not big enough tbh that it should affect you now.
However it does. Your guy has done nothing wrong based on the post. Yet this is a valid *you* issue. So you should take some time and measures to deal with it. Your partner can have a past, you have a past. He has not cheated on you and loves you tons. It will take some effort but talk to a therapist or write/vent your feelings down and see what works for you to come to terms with it.
P.S.: Additionally how would he have known right from the beginning that he was gonna fall in love with you? At the time both of you were looking for hookups and that’s what you guys did, then decided mutually to change the relationship, both of you were aligned on what was happening. So why does he have to suffer now for *not knowing you were someone he would love and not just hook up with*? This part is absolute bullshit.
I don’t understand. You won him away for this other girl, and you are now unhappy about it 3 years later? The sex part is unimportant because YOU WERE NOT EXCLUSIVE AT THE TIME.
You can be unhappy, but don’t blame him and be glad he turned out to be such a great guy. If you keep raking him over the coals about it, you might easily drive him away and you can forget about sex with him as well.
If you want to have sex with him, stop talking about his previous sex drive, and and start initiating things to stimulate his current sex drive.
Happened three years ago and y’all were not exclusive. He told you he was seeing other people and you basically demanded to be exclusive with him knowing this. If you’re willing to have unprotected sex with casual hookups, why are you just now feeling dirty about it and judging your boyfriend and past lovers for YOUR choice? Go get checked if you’re really that worried about something that happened years ago. It really seems like you’re just trying to find something to end the relationship over.