My 24F fiancée and I 27M have been engaged now for 1 year and and dating for 4 years total. Overall I would say we have a great relationship, we don’t fight, we have similar interests and we make each other happy.
The only rough patch is probably our sex life. We were both virgins when we met and even now 4 years on we still don’t seem to be on the same page sexually. She has admitted to me she feels unsatisfied sometimes and like something isn’t there. It’s not like she sees in the movies where it’s passionate and intense. We are working on it and I’m committed to try to make it work. This is relevant to what my suspicions are tho.
About 4 months ago she started a new job and she met a new guy friend at work. To be honest I wasn’t suspicious and I was happy for her because she has trouble making friends and had expressed being lonely at work. From my perspective they do text a lot for work buddies but there was no indication anything bad was going on.
This takes us to the past 2 weeks. About 10 days ago I noticed she was noticeably avoiding me seeing her naked. I wouldn’t say we see each other naked all the time but over the course of a couple days it seemed abnormal the way she was acting. She usually doesn’t lock the door while showering and when I went to surprise her she had it locked. I eventually walked in on her changing. She quickly covered up but I noticed that she had removed all her pubic hair. It was obvious because she had very dark black hair and is pale and now she had gotten rid off all of it. For all 4 years of us dating she’s only trimmed – so it was just sort of obvious to notice.
I asked her why she did that and she was almost beat red and told me she wanted to surprise me which seemed weird because she appeared to be avoiding me. She explained that she was self conscious and was shy. I then find out she had a Brazilian wax which she always told me she found gross and painful. For some reason I could feel that she wasn’t telling me something by the way she was acting. Knowing her she has always had a complex about being sort of hairy and when we first dated she had a lot of trouble to allow me to see her. She also refused to shave or wax – not on my request I don’t care either way but it’s just been her principal. That’s what makes this so strange.
The other hard thing if I do suspect her the next thing is to check her phone like reddit usually says to do. The problem is she has always been weird about her phone since day 1. She told me it’s due to her mother being overbearing and she likes privacy. I don’t know her passcode.
She has been acting sort of different around me and dressing maybe sexier with more make up but that could be me just being worried. We also have been having less sex but that might be unrelated. I ask her to please tell me if anything is wrong and she says she’s fine and loves me.
In one sense I’m so afraid for my suspicion to be true that I almost don’t want to know but on the other hand I don’t want to commit to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I think the right thing to do is somehow find out the truth but I’m at a lost for how to proceed with this little of evidence and with the fact our wedding is fast approaching. I don’t want to falsely accuse her and ruin her trust. Does anyone have any suggestions to somehow getting more answers on this it’s eating me alive.
38 comments
Why are you asking when you know. Your “gf” had a new boyfriend with complete certainty.
Like you could try expressing your feelings and thoughts with words to her, communicating…
When she’s getting “sexier” with more makeup is it for when she’s going to work only, or when it’s just the two of you?
Has she been suddenly working different hours than normal?
First things first, lock your feelings away. Put them deep, way down. Then turn the heat setting on your heart all the way to cold. Ice cold. Last thing, she’s cheating. Another last thing, don’t read that last step without reading the first two.
Aside from the possible cheating issue, she doesn’t seem ready for a relationship, let alone marriage. Are you two doing pre-marital counseling? that could be helpful, if only to make sure you both are on the same page on things like finances, kids, principles and values. I would go slow, and if you have serious doubts don’t hesitatte to call off or postpone the wedding.
Those are certainly red flags although not enough to accuse her of cheating.
You do not have enough evidence to accuse her, no. You certainly have enough to justify suspicions.
As for how to get more answers, without access to her phone, you either have to observe her activities directly or hire someone else to do so. If you suspect she may have brought this person into your home, you could try setting up cameras. I wouldn’t think it would be that hard to get her phone passcode if you were diligent enough to pay attention.
I’d just talk to her about the changes in your sex life. How things have declined and it makes you unhapy. Don’t accuse her of everything. Tell her how you’ve noticed these things like her getting waxed and the makeup and how they make you want to be more sexual, but that things have actually been going down.
If your in a relationship there should be no problem looking at her phone or her at yours should be nothing to hide sounds like she’s playing you, feding you bullshit.
Just ask her. What’s the worst that happens. Have a conversation, and if she is lying, she will hopefully come clean or reassure you. Ask your partner for reassurance. It’ll suck if she admits it, but at least you’ll know and can move on from there.
I think you have moooore than enough evidence, sorry friend, its just the way it is.
Hiding from you, waxing? Never done it until now? Come on, less sex life etc.
And last but not least, the biggest evidence, your gut feeling, sadly that is never wrong and you should always trust it, ALWAYS.
I would ask for her pass code or cancel the wedding, this wedding is literally ruined if your main goals in the marriage become searching for hard evidence to prove that she is cheating..
What is her friendship with this guy at work like? Is there cause for concern? If so you could tell her you’re uncomfortable with her closeness with him. Do they talk after work at all? If you’re married there’s no reason to be texting with a single coworker unless a legitimate business need arises. A lot of people end up having emotional affairs with coworkers. It’s 70% of all affairs now. Can you see her texts to him? That would be a good way to see.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/14-signs-you-have-crossed-into-an-emotional-affair-0912157/amp/
I think she’s cheating. A straight woman being super close “platonic” friends with a straight man is suuuuper sketchy. And the sudden behavioral changes, conveniently *just* after she met and became close friends with this guy? Plus, the fact that she suddenly started waxing “to surprise you” when you seemingly never communicated to her it was something you wanted? I’m sorry, but I think that means she didn’t do it for you. I’d break up with her.
go thru her phone when she’s sleeping 🤷🏻♀️ and look thru everything, trust ur gut. not saying she is but she is acting really weird .
Honestly I really think she’s cheating. She doing alot to avoid you and doing more to impress someone else. Someone else is definitely seeing what she’s waxing. Definitely talk first to see what she says but don’t accuse her yet. Watch how she reacts cause that definitely says alot.
Behavioral changes only occur when something has changed. If it’s of a more intimate nature, something has changed, especially if she hasn’t discussed it with you. Sorry, bro, but it doesn’t look good.
Woman don’t get a Brazilian just to surprise you and then not surprise you. They are asked to do it or they planning on someone using that part of their body. Most likely for oral sex.
You don’t need a smoking gun to leave. You can just say “Listen…it’s clear to me that you have been going out of your way to look more attractive/be sexier, and part of that was you shaving an area that only someone you would have sex with would see. At the same time, you’ve basically closed yourself off to me- you avoid me, don’t want sex, hid the shaving and in general act like it makes you feel guilty to treat me like a partner. I don’t know if you’re cheating, trying to get someone’s attention to see if you have the option of cheating, or just stringing someone along for the attention. I actually don’t need to know, because regardless of which it is, it’s not a relationship I want to be in.”
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Trust your gut!
It sucks man but your gut is telling you something is up. You’ve known her for 4 years. That’s long enough for gut feelings to be pretty accurate.
Just a word of advice with this subreddit: a lot of people who read and comment here are so used to this kind of thing so they always naturally go to “CHEATING! BREAK UP!” for pretty much every situation no matter how complex or nuanced it could be. I asked a question a while ago, and there were a few really helpful mature answers, but most were old jaded women who say everyone is cheating “hun” and anything from a male standpoint is invalid, etc. Just take these comments with a grain of salt.
As for your specific situation, in my opinion it’s enough to be suspicious, but not enough to go straight to accusing. Keep collecting intel and maybe straight up ask her how she’s doing while being as non-judgmental as possible. This is a tough one though.
New male friend at work, texting each other frequently outside of work is probably the #1 with a bullet red flag guarantee that a woman is cheating on you
Ya know, outside of catching her red handed
UpDateMe!
You’re getting married and can’t talk openly with your soon to be wife? That’s not fucked up to you? Talk to her, ask her how she feels about the wedding, about this guy. You are just scared to hear the answer, that will never work dude. The reality happens weather you stick your head in the sand or not.
After you saw her Brazilian wax, you didn’t proceed to make a move? Idk maybe she wanted to spice things up a bit and that was her reason to be really red.
One of the things that may happen when someone is cheating on you is they become “loyal” to the other person. This means they might start restricting you from seeing them naked (because it feels “disloyal” to the other person) and of course removing sex.
There’s a study somewhere that found %90 of the time when you have a gut feeling someone is cheating on you, they are.
I suspect yes, she is cheating on you. Getting proof may be hard. At the very least I would hold off on the wedding.
Maybe try visiting her unannounced at work and seeing if you can see the two of them togethr.
If you accuse her she’ll just deny it and do more to hide it. You have to find out for certain she’s not going to admit to it.
I would honestly throw her for a loop and just tell her straight up you know she’s up to something, you’re not ok with it, and that you’re out until she decides she wants to be together. She’ll either straighten up and shake the urges or she’ll be fine with it and you’ll know
Follow your gut homie, and don’t let her make a chump out of you. Take control of the situation
Regardless of whether she’s cheating on you or not, you both clearly can’t communicate with each other and if you’re still not on the same page sexually you shouldn’t get married.
That’s how my fiancés brother found out his wife was cheating. He started to gather more info after that first encounter.
As a former cheater (I’m not proud of it), I waxed myself for the first time upon the request of my affair partner. Upon seeing the wax for the first time, my then wife (since divorced) asked me why I did it, and I lied. Same lie as your girlfriend: I said I did it to spice up our relationship. Your girlfriend is cheating on you.
This is painfully obvious she cheating man. You ain’t been pleasing her according to you and she made a new guy friend? Open your eyes buddy.
Unfortunately not enough evidence of cheating, just evidence of different behavior.
Whether that behavior means she has cheated already, or is about to cheat, or wants to feel sexy for somebody else , or even just want to feel sexy for herself, there’s not enough information to tell.
You may not have direct access to her phone but are you on the same plan? You can log into your account and get access to text messages that way. You might even find out if there is unexplained texting traffic at weird times or to unknown numbers.
You may also want to plant a couple of voice activated voice recorders around so you can find what she is saying. Hidden cams are another cheap option too. Does she have a computer? Put a key logger on it. If this doesn’t yield anything consider hiring a PI.
It goes without saying you don’t want to marry a cheater or have kids with one…
Good luck and update us.
I’m sorry love. I hate to say it but I agree with everyone else. As a female, I wouldn’t just go randomly get a wax out of nowhere and I would definitely not-not tell my partner.
If your trust is at this point where you “wish” you could snoop her phone, the relationship is dead.
I would show up unannounced at her work and introduce yourself to the new guy friend and check their reactions. I suspected a girlfriend cheating and did exactly that. It really freaked her out and she spilled the beans.
If she said she waxed for you why aren’t y’all fucking? Have you ever addressed that?
Couple thoughts, because it does seem off but then again you do not have much to go on.
Does she have any events coming up? Vacations, pool party, etc where she might want a wax because she is self-conscious about her body hair as you mentioned?
Second thought is just my own personal waxing experience… I once attempted to surprise my partner with a wax having never waxed before, HOWEVER, unbeknownst to me my body responds with an autoimmune reaction and I get pus filled bumps all over and it’s pretty gross. It goes away after 3-5 days and everything is good again. I was extremely confused and embarrassed and did not one my partner to see it. Now we laugh about it but yeah, I wasn’t cheating.
God this advice is terrible. None of the people answering should be in relationships.
She could simply have heard some office banter about waxing & wearing more makeup to fit in or maybe trying out new looks for the wedding/honeymoon. She’s embarrassed to show you her vag but you think she’s suddenly confident to wave it around some guy she just met?
If you look through her phone you’re the problem & she should consider leaving you. There’s nothing that will dry her up faster than her fiance channeling her overbearing mother. She hasn’t surrendered her privacy just because you had a thought.
Here’s what you do, “Hey babe, I’ve been feeling a bit insecure lately. You’ve been texting work guy a bit & I’m kinda jelly. The wedding is coming up soon & I’ve been wondering if you feel you maybe missed out on dating?” …or whatever flows in the moment. Be vulnerable & give her the opportunity to help resolve the matter either way.
By your description she’s not done anything wrong & you need to remember that. Talk about how YOU feel & don’t blame her for your feelings. Because if she’s been the good girl you say she is you don’t want to lose your catering deposit because you couldn’t handle her wearing eyeliner & making a friend.