UPDATE: I talked to him calmly about this because he asked if we could talk. He said it is subconscious human nature for someone to rather look at the more attractive person in the room but I said that didn’t really apply to this situation.
He said:
“don’t let things in your head make up things that aren’t true about me, I didn’t mean that negatively”
He also said: “you know there’s scientific studies on this right?”
He also said “I have literally no idea why you are offended or upset about this, at all.”
I just went to bed. Feeling like he could of just apologized instead of defending himself so strongly.
Hi! I’m super new to Reddit so sorry if my post isn’t pretty. My (23F) boyfriend (28M) of 6 months made a comment a little earlier and it rubbed me the wrong way.
I mentioned to my boyfriend in passing that a female acquaintance of ours kind of bores me when I speak to her. I said that she often talks about people that I don’t know so I can’t really add to the conversation.
He then said that it doesn’t help that she’s very unattractive and that its hard for her to keep his attention because she’s unattractive.
I asked him if he only finds attractive people stimulating in conversation and he said “kind of, yes”.
He asked if I agree with him and I said her attractiveness has nothing to do with how interesting or boring I find her.
He said I was making him feel like a douche bag.
I barely said anything to him after this, we sat in silence for about 10 minutes before he left the room.
Looking for opinions, am I overthinking this? Is this a common way men think? I just found it kind of unsettling.
Tl;dr my (23F) boyfriend (28M) said he only finds women interesting to talk to if they are attractive
30 comments
My ex was like this. The best thing I did was get away and find a better man. The men that think like this won’t change and aren’t joking. U won’t change his mind so leave please. Date someone ur age. My ex is the exact age of ur bf basically and it’s something to do with how they’re raised. Go a lil older or ur age
Your boyfriend is shallow and thinks women need to be decorative or they aren’t interesting as people. I’d say that isn’t a good sign.
Does he also care about what men say based on how attractive he finds them? If yes, then he’s shallow. If no, then he doesn’t respect women. But either way, this would be a problem for me.
>He said I was making him feel like a douche bag.
There’s a difference between *acting* like a douche bag and *being* a douche bag. No one is perfect, but if I was in your position, I’d start reflecting on his behaviour to see if he acts like a douchebag often…because it might be an indicator he is a douchebag.
>Looking for opinions, am I overthinking this? Is this a common way men think?
You’re not overthinking it. This sounds pretty shallow and callous. I don’t know if this is a common way men think, but it sounds like you don’t think this way. I don’t think this way either, so you know there at least two of us in the world who don’t overtly connect people’s attractiveness to their level of interest. Maybe you and I are outliers…but I don’t think so.
Yeah that’s a problem. The big problem is that he doesn’t seem to understand why this is inappropriate. People have thoughts like that, but you’re supposed to go “Oh that’s a shitty thing to think, I need to examine myself and work on that…” but instead he wants to act confused that you would have a problem with that. Idk, I’m glad he felt like a douche bag, that shame serves a valuable social function if he will let it. I don’t have recommendations but I can offer the moral support and tell you yeah that would definitely be a problem for me, too, and that I think you did the right thing in speaking up, and wish you luck.
Yeah, this would be a huge red flag for me. He only cares about women based on how much they please him visually? Super yikes.
When you aren’t a douche bag you don’t see one when you look in the mirror. I think it’s concerning, he definitely revealed something about who he is.
That was a douche bag comment. I wonder if that absurd opinion, that one must be attractive to be interesting also applies to men.
That means he has no intellect. The mind that seeks new wisdom is fascinated by all kinds of people.
So ask him for the “scientific studies” he mentioned.
I would be bothered by this too. I wouldn’t want to hear my partner basically insulting some other woman’s looks for no reason, and I think the idea that he only pays attention to women he finds attractive is disgusting.
I’d ask to see these scientific studies. Clearly he’s an expert and should be able to provide a peer-reviewed paper or two.
You made him feel bad because he showed poor character. It’s ridiculous to say that it’s hard to speak to someone you don’t want to sleep with.
1. He has misogynist views. So a person has value because they are pretty? Its not even about finding them attractive, but about giving equal importance to everyone’s views regardless of their level of attractiveness
2. Instead of defending his view or apologizing, he claims that you are the one that made him feel like a douchbag. Well first of all he is one, and secondly all you did was probably ask him to explain himself
3. Your update is quite alarming
And what about when the beauty of youth starts to lose some of its luster? Will he still be interested?
women are useless unless they make my peepee hard!!!
If their outward appearance is the only thing that will hold his attention, and he then gaslights you, he’s telling you that he doesn’t think there’s anything of substance in your head and that your only value to him besides how you look is whether it not you agree with him.
So, yes, he doesn’t respect women or you.
I (29f) tend to think similarly as him, that it’s easier to pay attention to attractive or interesting people.
Wow he sounds even more like a douchebag after your update with some sprinkles of gaslighting thrown in there. True, peoples attention are often drawn to attractive things but that doesn’t mean we should drown out what they have to say or feel if they are unattractive, not should we pay extra attention to them just simply for being attractive. Everyone’s voice should be heard. Please do yourself a favor and find yourself a respectful gentleman that doesn’t view women only as eye candy.
He blames you to avoid taking responsibility for his own actions. And he’s a misogynist! No thanks.
I think he’s talking in a roundabout and incorrect way about the Halo Effect?
Like, sure people sort of subconsciously give better looking people the benefit of the doubt in new situations…but it sounds like this isn’t subconscious for him and an actual metric of who he thinks deserves value and basic respect.
It’s a flag for sure.
He is a douche. He views women as objects for his pleasure and entertainment. Ditch him and find a respectable man.
I admit I have had thoughts like this such as when someone I find hard to look at is in a movie or show I’m watching. But like someone else pointed out if you’re self-aware, you laugh at yourself because our expectations that people must do things to be pleasing to us to look at is ridiculous so you self correct and feel like an asshole accordingly. I’m a female if that makes any difference.
>He said I was making him feel like a douche bag.
That’s because he IS one, love. I still have no idea why you’re with him.
*”He then said that* ***it doesn’t help*** *that she’s very unattractive and that its hard for her to keep his attention because she’s unattractive.”*
My interpretation is, he agrees with your comment earlier and also meant; not only your friend did not stimulate him intellectually (similar to your own comment) but she is not visually pleasing to him either.
Does he only pay attention to attractive men as well? Or is it only women this phenomenon kicks in for?
That does seem pretty sexist, since I doubt your boyfriend gauges his interest in other men based on their looks. But even if he does, it would come across as incredibly shallow- which is a huge turn-off in itself.
Gender aside, hardly any of the famous thought-provoking intellects in history have been particularly good-looking – and like, I’ve never heard anyone suggest that Noam Chomsky or Gertrude Stein were influential due to their sex appeal 😅
This is why he’s dating a young woman who hasn’t hit her mid-twenties. He can’t get a woman his own age, because they have the experience to trust their guts and throw him out.
>He said I was making him feel like a douche bag.
Because he is
And now he’s telling you how to think about it because your own thought processed is so flawed? Oh honey. No.
The update tells you everything you need to know about this guy.
It’s a no from me, dawg.