My marriage is not in a great place and I’m feeling like I’m at the end of my rope. My husband and I are set to start marriage counseling next week to give this one final shot at working. I want to put every ounce of effort I can into saving this. What should I expect from marriage counseling? Can it really be successful when a marriage is so close to failing? Can you share your experience? Thank you.
9 comments
I have done it all and now years later. I wish I left back then
You’ll get what you put into it. The therapist should be a neutral party to identify problems and give you tools to solve them.
We went at the 10 year mark. It helped some butnin ways made our relationship more rigid. We ended up divorcing 10 years later.
I learned a lot about relationships, communication and boundaries.
Also, your partner needs to willing to accept change and put in the work asked of you by the therapist.
Good luck.
It’s been my observation that when people wait and counseling is a last ditch effort before filing for divorce, therapy isn’t beneficial in saving the marriage.
We’ve been together 15 years, coming up on ten married, and we go to individual therapy and couples therapy pretty often to check in, figure stuff out, etc.
We’re both 100% committed to being the healthiest selves we can be, and to having a loving, supportive and honest marriage.
Have you considered or are you also in individual therapy? I know it is a time and cost commitment on its own, but it might be a constructive space to sort out what is important to you, what you are looking for, and to process your feelings about your marriage. If you feel your partner is resistant to change I think this additional support could be helpful.
As far as what to expect, couples counseling was very positive for my relationship. My wife and I went proactively to work on some relationship dynamics we wanted to improve before we got married. Our therapist was an advocate for our relationship and helped to translate our perspectives to each other. The sessions could be very draining as we often went into emotional territory, but the suggestions our counselor offered gave us tools and strategies to try in certain situations. I left with more respect and empathy for my wife and feel like she better understands me as well.
I did marriage therapy for 10 years. I’m really glad I did. It made me a much better person. I’m a better listener, less defensive, more insightful and intentional. I understand myself and my relationships with people in a much deeper way.
It did not save my marriage. After 10 years, we still divorced. We’d established rules that we had to follow to get along, with the help of therapy. But so many rules made the relationship feel harder than it should’ve.
It did give us 10 more years of marriage. There were a couple happy years in there I suppose, but it was a bad relationship that neither of us really wanted anymore. All the therapy in the world couldn’t have saved it.
You have to be realistic about the issues in your marriage. When making your marriage work requires fundamental changes to yourself it is not always worth it. Marriage counseling should bring all of that to light. It should help deconstruct the issues and guide you to deciding if the marriage is something that will be good for both of you.
First of all, feel fortunate that your husband is willing to go, because I have asked my wife on many occasions to go to marriage counseling and she refuses. I would say that any type of therapy you get out of it what you put into it so both of you have to be willing to approach it with a positive approach and a hope to work things out. Beyond that I would say use it as an opportunity to discuss what isn’t working with each other but not to attack each other.
If both go in with open minds, open hearts and open ears and a willingness to learn and improve, good can come of it. A lot of what marriage counselors do is teach couples to communicate better and to solve problems together. It’s not psychotherapy, it’s training because nobody teaches us these things in school.
We had a noted marriage counselor and author do an AMA in this sub a few months ago and you might find it useful:
[I am Liz Earnshaw, couples therapist and best selling relationships author. Ask me anything about marriage counseling!](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/qk4dfb/i_am_liz_earnshaw_couples_therapist_and_best/)
Have conversations about how you feel like therapy is going. We’ve had a world changing therapist. We’ve had two therapist who nearly ended our marriage. You both need to make sure you’re comfortable with the therapist.
This is the ultimate, us vs the problem. I statements whenever possible. The problem might feel like the other person, but it’s both of you in one way or another.