This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
37 comments
I don’t think my standards are high. I just like nerdy men who lean left on the political spectrum. So being rejected (after matching) and ghosted every time is killing my self esteem.
I started using a voice dictation program recently, so my replies are about to get reallyyyy long lol
More shower thoughts
1. living in NYC kind of sucks because whenever I’m out at a bar I want to enjoy myself but there are inevitably hot couples out on dates and making out in my field of view and it’s sooo hard to ignore and not be reminded of what I’m missing
2. I was thinking about how with the last guy I picked the location of the first date (he said he would look but then didn’t propose a place for days) and so for the second date, even though I had an idea of a plan I tried to stand my ground, I suggested the activity (a pretty specific one which if he just googled once, he would have found the place I was looking for) and he replied like eh I doubt we can find that in the city… so I said point blank that I picked the place last time so I would let him pick this time… eventually the date was actually not bad (though obv he ghosted me so he didn’t think the same) but!
basically I’m quite tired of always being the default planner simply because I don’t find it hard to think of a fun activity and set a date time and location! and yet I don’t want this role of always planning but it seems so difficult to find people who will plan without being asked :/ why!
2nd date went great! Conversations go really smoothly and I feel really comfortable being around him. Spent 3 1/2 hours walking trails and talking and going to plan date #3.
Cat dad stereotype in our 30s?
I’m 33 and got a rescue cat after I bought my house in part for the companionship but I also had mice move in. I would like a dog and have the yard for it but I work too much and its not acceptable in my opinion to leave a dog at home unattended for 10+ hours. I bring that up because some people are seemingly team dog or team cat.
When on the apps should I indicate I have a cat where asked about pets? I love my cat and wouldn’t want to date a woman who is anti cat or allergic. At the same time IDK if its like how “looking for long term open to short” is being seen as a red flag now. Even though that’s just being honest.
Can’t believe I let this happen to me again
I met a guy at a singles event and we’ve been chatting and have been on three dates in the span of a month. I was very cautious going in as he was recently out of a long term relationship so I had no big expectations of anything serious between us.
He came on very strong. Sending multiple long texts and updating me about his day and what he was doing etc. a little much for me tbh but I kinda felt like he was just trying to fill a void. I had no strong feelings and was having a good time on our long all day dates.
I also had no plans on sleeping with him anytime soon. On our third date, one thing lead to another and we did wind up sleeping together. It was a fun time and we spent hours in bed just talking and hanging out afterwards.
He immediately went quiet after. No communication or checking in. A noticeable shift in how he was pursuing me before. It’s so annoying that men do this. I feel so used. Especially because I was fine! I didn’t have strong feelings and I didn’t expect anything. And yet here I am extremely frustrated, angry, and a little hurt by the shift in pursuit. He got the cookie so fuck me now I guess?
Anyone have anything to say that will help me understand or feel better? lol
Dating 7 months. I finally told him I loved him! I couldn’t hold it back anymore, or moreso, the desire to tell him outweighed the fear of him not feeling it or not being ready to say it back. But he said it back!
I had my 37th birthday yesterday and it was bittersweet. I fear I’m going to be single forever. I try online dating but get literally 0 matches.
Anyone else keep getting the “I like someone else” schtick? I see “not ready for a relationship” a lot online but I’ve gotten dumped for other people 4 times this past year. I am always a placeholder it seems like. Very much lusted after, but never loved. They don’t even give me a fair chance. It really fucks with my confidence and self worth when it keeps happening over and over again.
How to get back out there after a long term relationship?
I’m about to be newly single as a 32M. I had been dating this woman for nearly 4 years and she was absolutely incredible. 5’3 with a big brown eyes and petite. The smartest person I’ve ever met (I’m talking like 140+ IQ, over 450 college credits at 3.99 GPA and degrees from like 5 universities around the world. Insanely adventurous and experienced having traveling to over 80 countries in her 29 years of life and knew all the secrets of every place she went. Charming in that she can make friends every place she went. She knew every doorman and janitors name. She spoke 8 languages. She was organized and knew what she wanted in life and who she was. And she was rich. She had this crazy ability to never pick a losing stock. And her father is a billionaire.
We were engaged to be married, but she wanted to return to her country. I had told her for years that I would join, but that proved harder than expected. I couldn’t guarantee a date or plan for me to move. But even that didn’t dissuade her even if it brought on stress and pain. We fought a lot because of it. But she considered getting a job where I live and being with me until I could move even if it meant delaying her life and the business she wanted to start.
But I was uncompromising. She asked me but a few things: 1) Have a way to live together during our marriage. 2) Have friends that don’t bring me down and don’t rely on my family so much. 3) Learn new skills and teach her things from time to time. 4) Don’t have a big wedding. A courthouse is preferred. But if not, a small private island with no more than 20 guests. And if I decided I want a bigger wedding, then plan it and pay for it rather than relying on her billionaire father (who she doesn’t even like or want part of her life). I couldn’t meet those expectations. And when she told me to tell my family that our upcoming engagement party would not have a wedding date because we didn’t have a plan, I interpreted that as us breaking up and accidentally canceled the event, which reminded her of all the reasons why we’re so incompatible.
The thing is we are both still super in love with each other, but she’s decided we’re toxic for each other. And I’m not mature enough to have a selfless relationship. She wanted things to work but the damage has already been done. I will admit that I could grow up in multiple ways. It will be a long time before I’m ready to date again. But how do I get back out there without comparing everyone to her? I had everything I wanted in a wife: beautiful, brilliant, charming, adventurous, logical, and able to see the big picture in life. To put it bluntly, she was so far out of my league and I just got lucky because I was kind and met her at the right time. So now I’m scared I’ll be alone forever, and if I do find someone, it will just be settling for someone who is good enough but never what I had with my fiancée. That seems lonely and unfair.
It’s been a bit since I have posted. Took a semi break from OLD school has been harder.
Was talking to this guy still thought that I had been talking to since December. I knew we weren’t anything. Just like slightly more than friends as we weren’t dating and had only seen each other twice, and that was fine for now. Well today he texted me that he wants to focus on himself and his kid. It makes sense. I’m not upset knowing everything he’s facing. But boy does my heart hurt today reading those words. I’m still waiting on him to clarify if we will keep talking or not as friends. But knowing there is no possibility of anything more is just a loss that I didn’t realize I would feel as hard as I am
I feel like giving up…it just seems futile
Can’t remember the exact day, but back half of May is my one year breakup-aversary from my last partner, so pour a little out for me tonight. Over the last year, I went on 32 first dates(!) with most being this year (9 from July last year through December; 23 from January 1st til now). All but three were from Hinge- one I DMed (but she was a previous Hinge match where we never made it to a date), two were from a Pitch Your Friend event where I was pitched. I never ask for feedback but some offered it anyway lol- if I had made a word cloud of it all, sweet/kind, calm, and thoughtful would be the biggest words. While this is fitting overall of my self-perception, it’s had me reflecting a lot on the idea that “sweet is not sexy” I heard on a podcast a while back. I know one day I’ll find my partner who appreciates me for me & I don’t plan to change who I am to appease others, but I’ve realized since I’m very balanced so to speak, don’t get riled up, or bring high energy, that may result in a lack of tension/spark/spiciness that many are looking for in a relationship, at least early on.
But, however, lots of interesting trends I noticed from the few notes I took- if a woman sent me the initial like, they would almost always be the one to decline another date, rather than the other way around. If someone’s profile mentioned “clear/consistent communication” or something along those lines & we had a truly neutral date, it always ended in a mutual ghost or slow fade. Those mutual ghosts would then pop up in my Instagram people you may know suggestions, which means they were then looking me up later? Lol.
I’ve learned that I’m exhausted by anyone under the age of 30. I’m sure there are some great potential matches out there under the age of 30, but I feel like it’s such a before/after milestone that I struggle to relate and/or emotionally support someone going through it (also recognizing it’s a bigger thing for women vs. men) now that I’m on the other side. On the flip side, I went on dates with three people over 40 and learned that is also not for me. So for now I am firmly in the 30-35 range due to wanting kids. Eventually, I’m open to raising that upper bound or being a step parent with someone who has older children, but I don’t feel old enough for that quite yet lol.
Had a second date last night with a woman who was very into me, somehow in an attempt to tell her I need to move slower and not get too carried away with myself in dating – she got the impression I didn’t like her and left. We messaged after that it was a misunderstanding on both ends, but something like that happening so early on its probably not worth trying to get past.
Dating in your 30s is so fragile, everyones been so hurt before. I’m a little bit sad this morning but i’ll live.
Had the weirdest dating interaction ever. Profile said that they were loyal. then said Love infinity sign, no vanilla and I was like what does the infinity sign me, asked me if I was a sub and I was like I was just curious what the infinity sign meant and I would rather get to know you first, unmatched. I guess sub or mommy was the right answer
Spent majority of my 30s dating with zero luck.. about to turn 40.. onto another decade of putting myself out there with nobody interested in me.
This is really tough..
I accidently stood a date up today and I feel awful.
She was already accusing me of being flaky, then I confirmed her accusations.
I set a date for tonight at 7 pm and put it into my calendar.
For some reason, I thought it was 730 pm, so I got ready around 630 pm and left my house at 7 pm.
She texted me at 651 pm that she was on her way, I thought, “hmmm, that’s odd, I thought she lived close.”
Then I looked at my calendar and I saw the date was at 7 pm.
I told her and apologized and said I’ll be there in 30 minutes (that’s how far it was to the location from my house).
She said forget it and she never wants to hear from me again for wasting her time.
I apologized profusely.
I was so careless and stupid!
I completely fucked up and feel awful.
I’m over here almost 40 years old and am making mistakes like this.
I noticed I never get to date the person I really want to. I get life is never fair, but dating has really made me feel like i have no say in dating. I can only hope that they will like me and then that’s enough for me to date them. Im never really over the moon for these people.
“Hang out. Make out. ‘Oh, I guess we’re dating.’”
I remember how odd it sounded 13 years ago when my buddy said those words to sum up his impression of how things went for everyone in relationships around him.
13 years later, I look back over the past decade and realize the coolest relationships I wound up in started pretty much that way, as opposed to starting with a formal date outing.
Smitten
sitting in my apartment thinking of all the relationships i’ve messed up
I really hate how the person who can make me feel the happiest is also the one who makes me feel the saddest.
that little minefield after your first date with someone that went pretty good and it’s like “alright don’t fuck it up, don’t fuck it up, don’t text too much but don’t text too seldom” is something else
As someone who grew up in an emotionally distant family and has had conflict avoidant partners, I feel so inept in dealing with emotions.
It’s something I’ve been working on for 15 years but still struggle to be vulnerable and communicate my emotions generally and especially in dating.
I’m trying to do that now with this person I like/am dating and my initial thought is I’m incompetent at emotionally connecting and so am actively messing things up in how I bring up anything that isn’t “positive.” He’s shown more maturity and grace than previous people I’ve dated, which is great. But it doesn’t make me feel any less pessimistic that I’m messing things up even though I know I’m doing my best to be better and learn.
If you have any mantras or framings or practices or anything else to get me out of these counterproductive thought patterns, I’m all ears 🌽 (bad pun intended)
I’m trying to be more open minded with dating people closer to my height. I never dated specifically tall guys, but I’ve mostly dated tall guys.
I’ve gone on a few dates with ppl closer to my height (5’6). But it’s hard for me to feel attracted to them when I feel bigger than them. I’m trying to rewire myself but it’s kind of hard? Like imma crush them and I’m not even big, just curvy in shoulders, chest and hips.
Need advice please: been dating for 1 yr and 8 months, me (female 33) he is 30.
i lived in CA my entire life and we became friends right before i moved out of state for a job. A few months after i moved we started dating long distance as he lives in CA. We would always see each other every 3 weeks or so as all my family and friends are in CA and i would visit often.
When i moved away my goal was always to come back to CA, but right now my moved back was highly motivated based on this relationship as i dont wanna drag for too long since long distance does delay things.
Anyway, i did move back a month ago, and rented a room month to month. I didnt like the place and will look for something else. However, me and everyone else around us raise the question “why dont we just move in together?” He says he would like to wait a few more months for us to have our routines settled and date in the same city for a little bit first.
However, its been difficult to find a place to rent for just a few months. And what if in a few months he is still not ready?
i am female 33 he is 30. About 8 months into dating i had already told him i have a timeline, i dont wanna wait Too long to have a life partner/ marriage and all that. I am to blame too because when we started dating he was not very independent and in control of his adulthood in a lot of aspects and even living with his parents, but he has changed a lot for the best and grown a lot. He moved out 6 months ago and thats one of the reasons he wants to wait a little longer to live together, cause he has a cute place and is enjoying living by himself for a little bit.
i dont want to be desperate and rush, and agree that if i had found a better place to live would be nice to date living in separate homes for a while, but, because i moved back and cant find a place to live i feel like i am getting the short end of the stick and putting a lot more effort in the relationship than he is.
For context, i am a little insecure because i had a horrible relationship before and thats why now i am so scared of wasting time or being the one put too much effort just to get hurt and be left alone later.
I do love him and he is amazing, has great values and all but at the same time i am such a giver in a relationship and never had a bad time being single either so i feel like i would rather just put all my time, love and attention into myself instead of wasting years into another failed relationship.
anyway, should i give him the extra months and see how it goes or should i just leave now cause nothing is gonna change in a few months and i will have just wasted my time?
Every day feels like that scene from Fresh Prince “how come (they) don’t want me, man”. I don’t know anymore, guys.
My (31M) girlfriend (28F) of 4 months wanted some space after an incident on our first trip together so after 2 days, she asked me if I would like to meet on Saturday night. We were frosty for the second half of the trip, so I anticipated the breakup, but we had a frank heart to heart on the drive back where I told her some things I self-examined about the triggers that resulted in how I disrespected her (I made a stupid quip attacking one of her biggest insecurities and was casually talking about a feature of her body without realizing how much it hurts her), that I wanted to take accountability to work on myself so I would become a better partner (and specified that I wasn’t saying this to win her forgiveness; I thought that this drive would be our last night and let it out). By the end of the drive, it felt like we really reconnected, and we affectionately wished each other goodnight. After that, we were warm over text yesterday and this morning, then she became colder like prior to the drive and asked to meet up. I agreed to it and told her that I understand it’s awkward and I want to do whatever is within my power to make her week a little easier, and that despite this awkwardness, I truly want her to have a great week (she’s been dealing with burnout as well, which was a big point of guilt for her before this incident since she felt that I was taking care of her for the most part). She responded really warmly and wished me goodnight as well, in the usual affectionate way that she does.
I’m really sad that I blew it with someone I really liked, but she truly is a great gal. There’s a part of me that wishes we can still work things out but this is a lot to have happened so soon. I wanted to be someone that made her smile, but instead I ended up just causing a lot of hurt. It’s gonna to be a challenge to sit with this until Saturday morning.
Another day, not much of an update…
I was clearing out and consolidating files from a bunch of old computers this weekend, and came across my library of saved iChat messages from circa 2005-2009 when I was ~20 and in college.
Crazy trip down memory lane, and pertinent to this sub, all the chats with the girls I crushed on back then, or my first ‘girlfriend’. 20 year old messages about how I owe her a make out session hit hard. So weird to read things I wrote back then, and the ways I’ve changed and not changed. I was way wittier back then, I feel my social skills have regressed lol. Also brought back so many memories about how insecure I was, and the regrets about not being more free and pursuing those girls I crushed on. Seems so low stakes now.
Lastly, just crazy to have all those memories of 20 years ago resurface. Things were so different then, we were so innocent. The smartphone didn’t exist, streaming media didn’t exist, social media was barely a thing. We shared MP3s and rented DVDs for movie night.
Anyway, comparing to my messages on the apps these days, I need to bring back some of that playful wit I used to have.
Why do men choose to be pen pals? Maybe validation? Had to shut it down.
Almost impossible for me to find a man that I’m attracted to, compatible with, and chooses me.
i feel disconnected on dates lately. guys have a good time with me even when i feel like i’m being boring/tired/feeling meh.
i think part of it is i just don’t do well dating multiple people. i think there is a part of me that feels guilty/knows what i’m doing is wrong/will hurt people. and it’s just honestly exhausting/time consuming when each guy want to see you 2-3 times a week.
It’s really unfair to search your entire life for companionship, for intimacy, for just one person to see you as worthy and deserving of love that so many people claim is a given, to somehow find that for such a brief period, then have them ghost you and send you back to square one (probably further than that).
I’m not outgoing or the life of the party, and if my success in person is any indication I might be the ugliest person on the planet. So many people say “the worst they can say is no” but gathering the courage to reach out in public only to be laughed at or ridiculed or bemeaned like I’m unworthy to even approach is worse than that. There’s no dusting yourself off from that without having what little self worth you have take a hit. Sure I can go on with my day and act like I’m not fazed like I usually do but it doesn’t make the lonely nights or sadness or tears not come any differently.
I know I shouldn’t base my own worth on my relationship status but it can’t be this difficult to meet someone nice who likes me for me can it? Is life just some sick game of everyone deserving of the love that I can’t seem to find?
Just got back from my first vacation with my bf of 8 months and it was incredible! We had so much fun and got along so well. I met his brother and we had a blast. I feel so happy and fulfilled. It feels amazing to be in love and to feel loved! I’m just gonna enjoy this feeling!
So being in my late 30s and being overweight. I’m struggling to see the point in losing weight at this age. Even if I lose weight my dating options will still be extremely limited since I’m now in a older dating bracket and on top of all that I’m bald and my teeth are unfortunately starting to fail. I feel like even if I could magically fix everything over the next few years I’m so far behind ive already lost.
I think i’ve decided to try a singles event called Thursdays. Theres one on… well, Thursday in my area. They cost $30 so not free but also, not gonna send me broke.
I do fine on dating apps, but I do get very in my head about it and hate the pace of some convos and the commitment of a date.
As much as i’m a bit shy, hopefully I’ll have fun. Anyone tried these, most stories I read are of people who didn’t meet anybody but still had a good time.
I have been dating a guy for 3 months and we are on our first vacation together. The trip was for my birthday, I organised the flights, hotels, transport, tours, activities, made reservations for restaurants and classes. He has not thanked me or offered to pay me back for any of this stuff. Every day he has turned to me and asked “what are we doing today?”. I have such decision fatigue. I told him this and he argued with me, claiming that if he planned anything he wouldn’t get it right and I would be upset. The final straw came on the night of my birthday, we went out for dinner and when the check arrived he looked at me. I paid for our meal on my own birthday. The next morning I dumped him. I was going to wait until the end of the trip but it’s too difficult to pretend that everything is ok when it isn’t. Anyway, he has gone off to sulk while I enjoy a glass of wine and some peace and quiet on my last vacation day. I feel like a weight has been lifted, what a burden he was.