This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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A couple of weeks ago, I met a guy in the wild outside of a UPS Store while I was struggling to get stuff inside. He helped, and apparently waited around in the parking lot to ask for my number. I was kind of flustered and just gave it to him.
But on the drive home, I kept thinking about how many chances I’ve given to nice guys I wasn’t physically attracted to who did me dirty (cheated, abused, etc). When he texted and revealed his availability was completely opposite to mine, I just sort of ghosted. I feel kind of bad about it, but the louder part of my brain says I did the right thing by not settling during a period of loneliness.
I went to a big party last night and my friend challenged me to introduce myself to a guy or two. I just couldn’t do it.
I’m SO use to being alone and independent that I just don’t operate in the world looking for guys. I go to places like that to have fun and enjoy myself. I’ve just never been a “lock eyes across the dance floor” gal, also because even though I’ve grown to love dancing, all the noise and lights are still super overstimulating, and I always have ear plugs in.
There was one moment I was walking to an outside area and a guy told me I had a wonderful smile. I thanked him and gave him a hug. Idk why I didn’t stay and chat more. I feel like I just have this panic instinct where I need space and a moment to collect myself and decide what I want to do, so I scurry away.
There was one guy on the dance floor where I said I liked his hat. Later he was sitting on a couch and I went to sit next to him. I was trying to work up the courage to say something. Finally I did but he didn’t hear me so I gave up.
What’s my score for that? A C-? Do I get a passing grade for trying? lol
I tend to be in a lot of party spaces where people dress super sexy and provocative. That’s never been my style so I always feel like such an odd duck. Doesn’t make me feel better about myself, that’s for sure.
I really want to get better at looking around for guys I am drawn to when I’m in different settings and at least saying something to someone once in a while, even something very small, a small compliment, just anything at all. I have to be able to do this.
I (33F) got out of a very long term relationship earlier this year (January). I got back on the apps just to see what was out there. My goal has and always been to be in a long term committed relationship, but I figured it would take a while to meet someone and that I’d probably date around a little.
I talked to a few people but no dates ever came of it. Then about 2 weeks after I got on the apps I started talking to a man. we hit it off and decided to meet up. Again, was clear that my goal was a long term relationship but I had very low expectations and just figured it would be good to try and get over the hump of a first date.
Well, long story short, we totally hit it off. We’ve been seeing each other almost 2 months now and both really, really like each other and want the same things. I could see real potential as a long term partner.
However, my fears are that A) im moving too quickly and will regret not dating around/getting serious with the first guy I date, B) that I’m missing some red flag and that will later break my heart, and C) that my family will judge me for rushing back in too quickly into dating and think I’m just desperate to be in a relationship with anyone.
I certainly didn’t plan for this but it seems ridiculous to end a good thing just because of the timing, but also I don’t want to date around just for the sake of dating around? I have limited free time and it’s been so nice spending it with someone I know I really enjoy!
I double texted a guy I really liked on a first date to agree for a second date. I have never been in a tinder second date before. He told me before he is very busy but I told him we could at least get coffee. He answered one day later saying he is too busy but we will talk for next week. All the advice is always very negative when people don’t answer fast or never answer. We make too much of a deal with texting. I will wait for him too text me next week and I plan on being optimistic, there is no reason for him not to do it. All the advice is always very negative, let’s not be stupid, but not paranoid either! And if he never texts me, well, I will move on then, but not for now.
Had to end it with yet another woman today after 2 dates due to schedules not matching and difficulties meeting for too long. It’s now 4 years since I (M33) started dating (never had the confidence to do it in my 20’s, never been in a relationship due to a mix of shyness, mental health, attachment issues and the fact that I’ve studied and worked in tech with very few women around) and since then I’ve been on 39 dates in total with 26 different women. I think it’s safe to say it isn’t meant to be for me. It also makes it difficult to believing in anything when meeting someone new because sooner or later I know it will end. Be it after one date or five.
Have decided to take a long term break from the apps and it feels so good. I (35m) got out of a serious relationship in November. While dating, have had two separate women tell me they divorced their husbands for being “too agreeable”. One point of tension in my previous relationship was that I was not agreeable enough. Hearing that put the absolute worst taste in my mouth, and made me realize I want nothing to do with women right now. I’m finding plenty of joy in living my life the way want. It’s liberating.
have a first date in a couple of hours but i’m extremely sleepy. i want to doze off for a bit but im afraid ill sleep thru the date lol
Boyfriend (with a small kiddo) wants to move in together in November. I’m on the fence because I really wanted to get married before living with another partner. I’m afraid of us getting too comfortable and me having to unwind another relationship.
people can be so weird when it comes to success in their dating lives. it feels like money/wealth – people are perfectly willing to flaunt it and even brag about their success until someone calls them on it, and then they are all defensive or suddenly trying to give reasons for why their life is actually so hard. i feel like some of my partnered friends act this way when i try to talk to them about my dating struggles. like i’m happy you’ve found someone! but don’t try to make it seem like it’s the same as what i’m dealing with as well!
So tired of matching with guys and the conversation is like pulling teeth. So tempted to just tell these men they’re boring (I won’t though, I’ll just unmatch).
Wild how my hinge has been the most active in the last week than it ever has been in the last few months, right when I was about to delete it. But all of the matches have led to nothing. I’m tired man.
Matched with someone who said she paid for premium just to undo her left swipe on me. We made plans to grab a drink after work – on a day she picked since she travels for work. I told her I’d touch base day-of to confirm we were still on (I try to keep messaging between plans & the first date to a minimum so as to not ruin first date conversation topics). Messaged her day-of to check if we were still on… radio silence. I naively still showed up at the agreed time & place and had a beer by myself before heading to a local mexican spot to have dinner – also alone. Fortunately for me – the place I had the beer is a place I frequent (often solo) so it didn’t feel too out of place. Likewise – the mexican spot I grab solo dinner all the time anyways. So it really all played out fine, just bummed about being stood up.
She messaged me back about two hours after our planned meet-up time and said she had it on her calendar for Friday instead of Thursday (even though she was the one that picked thursday). She wants to try again and “make it up to me” but I’m skeptical.
Chat,
I think my rose colored glasses have finally come off regarding my casual long distance situationship seeing it for what it really is. We usually text everyday and I realized it’s bc I’ve been the one initiating majority of our conversations. I’ve carrying this connection and they’ve just been responding. It’s been 1/2 a week since we last spoke only bc I initiated the last conversation.
… and I’m tired lol
I’ve been seeing a guy for a little over a month. We’re exclusive and have plans to see each other on Tuesday and then again on Saturday. The last time I talked to him was Thursday and he said he was going out of town for the weekend. I have anxious attachment so while I’m not too worried I still haven’t gotten a check in text from him, I’m starting to get anxious. I have nothing to worry about right?
Just found out one flatmate will be moving out to live with her boyfriend in August. The other flatmate will do the same in November.
How do you manage the feeling of being behind your peers? Of getting left behind?
I only have one other friend in this city who lives with flatmates, and she recently got a boyfriend so who knows how long that’ll be true for. Literally everyone else is living with partners.
So update on the 9 year age gap first date: it went well! We grabbed drinks to go and walked the 3 mile trail around the lake then sat on a bench a talked some more. Time really flew. We tried to keep our convos light but it always led to deeper and more meaningful connections between us. He came off very mature, intentional, considerate and knowledgeable. I think subconsciously I was trying to find a flaw in him because I’m used to being disappointed and dealing with inconsistency. I’m a direct person and he didn’t shy away from my questions. We surprisingly had a lot in common like family dynamics, upbringing and the pressure to be perfect, etc. I think the only thing that I see in him is that he’s still recovering from being a people pleaser. Which I totally understand because when I was around his age I was also learning to say no to my parents.
Anyways, I got home with a text for a second date to a winery and an escape room (I mentioned I liked it in passing because it’s a great way to see how folks are like under pressure) for this upcoming Friday. Of course I said yes. I’m sure it’ll be fun.
I will say that I did end up signing up for another speed dating event last night this time for 24-39 in hopes I can meet more men around my age.
Ended my first situationship. He hasn’t even replied to that text so that’s the cement poured on the grave. Lasted 2 months. May I NEVER go through one of these messy things again, amen.
Is it okay to ghost after an insane date? I feel like both of us just want to forget it and neither of us have texted each other all day after texting daily for a week and a bit
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Does anyone see people with the “my love language is receiving gifts and acts of services” as a bit of a red flag?
Just feels disingenuous
Vent. I’m annoyed that my newly appointed boyfriend is more committed to doing chores this weekend than enjoying the long holiday by doing something fun with me. I know he theoretically doesn’t “want” to do these things and would rather be having fun, but his anxious adhd brain is really hard to convince otherwise.
Frankly, I’m not confident that I’ll ever be a priority. I’ll just continue to be another moon in his orbit instead of being invited in to grow with him on his little planet. Dramatic, I know, but it is just dissapointing to finally have a boyfriend but still not feel chosen sometimes. It’s been 6 months, we’re still learning each other and how we work together. I wonder if this beginning stage can always be a bit bumpy for people (adults with established lives trying to merge) or if we aren’t compatible and I’m neglecting my needs.
For those who had never tried multi-dating*, and then did try it. What was your experience like? I’ve never understood how people can be interested in multiple people, my brain always seem to latch on to one. But latching on can bring disappointment, or a scarcity mindset. With that being said, I often think the reason I haven’t done something before is i’m just not that kind of person to do it.
*multi-dating is a very strange word for an otherwise normal thing, but you know what I mean by it hopefully.
Again mostly interested in the experiences of those who had gone from not doing it, to trying it.
I’m happy for my sister who just met a gem of a man on Hinge, but also struggling with some “why her and not me?!?”
This is her very first date off the apps after a 10 yr relationship ended (8 months or so of healing). I’ve been on/off apps for 10 years (between LTRs from apps) 😩
This guy is everything on her list—but the thing is her list is very close to mine… I’ve shone a light for her in terms of what’s possible, being the first to go to therapy and raising my expectations, sharing all my dating trial and error. She’s followed suit. She’s told me how I’ve helped her.
I do want the best for her of course, but it’s just ridiculously humorous how this all happened. I was temporarily in her city but knew I’d move, so after seeing the local Hinge scene was minimal, I’d been off it for many months. Just stayed on Bumble for kicks and when I traveled. I encouraged her to try dating apps. 🤦♀️
I can’t help but think it could have been me.
Timing is everything. C’mon universe, sooooo where is my liberal, spiritual, graduate degree with meaningful work, 6 ft+, rare drinker, no drugs, remote worker, emotionally intelligent family oriented man?
Again I am happy for her. But also dealing with the natural what ifs because I was seriously so close to starting up Hinge myself, but focused on helping her.
My other sister, newly happily married, has told me if it weren’t for me basically acting as her unpaid therapist on many many calls over years she wouldn’t have landed her husband.
Ugh I guess the lesson is — again, focus on myself. Got it, universe.
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Vent. My boyfriend of 5 months has gone silent for almost 24 hours after texting “I’ve probably been feeling off without realizing it, but nothing you did or are doing, just want to be fair to you and communicate.” I’m hurt, it feels like the relationship is unraveling, I hate the stonewalling. How do I reach out without seeming accusatory or needy? He has a lot going on but I can’t help but feel he feels off about us.
I’ve been dating a man (M) for over 5 months. I find him alluring and goofy in the best way possible, but communication was always off.
Recently I met some more of his friends, and when someone called one of them on the phone asking who else was there, the guy called me M’s girlfriend, but made a weird hand gesture as if asking me if that was true, and I could honestly just do a questioning hand gesture myself.
Tonight I was sleepless, and I have this creepy habit of checking on his Tinder profile from time to time. Honestly because I was bummed he even has one, although even I kept it installed on my old phone I only use to browse TikTok at home. Even though I could access his profile from my chat history, I could still pretend he just forgot it was even on his phone.
And then I noticed he removed a picture. My illusion is completely shattered. I thought we might be going somewhere, but I’m afraid I’m just a warm body until he keeps options open.
I honestly want to confront him right this second. But I need to sleep (it’s 2AM), I have an exam coming up and we already agreed on me spending Tuesday there because it’s easier for me to travel to the exam location from there.
I was hoping thinga could work out with this guy. I don’t feel strong enough to go on dating. I crumbled so hard I checked my ex’s social just for an extra rush of pain in case he got a new woman, but doesn’t seem to be the case.
I don’t know if i’ll ever be in a serious relationship again unless i’m being forced into one
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Almost ready to pack it in at this point, feels like my chances of finding my special someone is getting smaller and smaller each day. I’m afraid my only option left is to make a major life change (moving cities or even to another country) and I’m too old to start my life over again, plus my family are within driving distance and I don’t want to lose that.
I (31f) had a first date with a guy I met on hinge (33m) the other night. We talked sporadically leading up to the first date. Hes very busy with a full time job and running his own business on the weekends. We originally had plans for the date earlier in the week, but something came up at work so I suggested rescheduling for later in the week. He agreed and said that worked better for him. Then 48 hours went by and he didn’t say anything (hes admittedly bad at texting). The day of our rescheduled date came and went and that night I texted him “Hope you enjoyed our date.” And he genuinely apologized and admitted he forgot and immediately made a plan to see me this weekend.
Fast forward to this weekend. We had our date. The first spot we went to was terrible and he seemed super uncomfortable till he suggested we hop over to a different spot. Immediately at the new spot he relaxed and the vibes changed. We bonded and talked about interests, music, what we are looking for, and even he made some jokes about other dates and quipped about meeting my dad (not seriously). I ended up staying the night at his place and we had a fantastic time. The next morning we got up very early which is normal for him because of his side business. He seemed a bit awkward again so I asked him if he struggled with “doing nothing” aka lazy mornings and he said yes he tends to always need to be productive with his time. He wasn’t rushing me to leave. But he was clear he shad a schedule that day. We had a great chat, kissed goodbye, and I headed home. Texted him once later in the day a show recommendation based on what we discussed the night before. He said he’d check it out and probably like it, and I replied with a brief synopsis of the show. He read it and hasn’t responded.
I am interested in seeing him again and don’t want to rush into things just because you know sometimes one date can have a lot of weight on “is this person trying to rush into a relationship.” But I’m not a casual hookup and going home with someone on a first date isn’t normal for me. I guess I’m looking for guidance instead of over thinking this. I can’t tell if he’s actually into me, or if I was just a hook up for him. He said he’s dating and if something clicks he will pursue it. His background sounds like he’s a monogamous guy not a serial dater.
So I guess what’s my next move here? Let him circle back and go from there? Or would it be too desperate to reach out again if I don’t hear from him for a few days and just say “hey I’d love to get to know you more if you want to hang again.”
Ahhh dating sucks
I know we talk about how bad the dating scene is but yeesh. Each passing day its more insufferable. I lose hope with each passing day
I’m trying to internalize the “what is meant for you will find you (and stay)” mantra. It’s always seemed a little silly to me, as I’m more of a “seize the day” type of person, but I’m hoping a more laid-back approach will ease some of the anxiety I feel when seizing the day does not accomplish what I hope it will.
I had a great second date over the weekend. There’s a clear connection and a growing level of real intimacy. Which is right about the time things usually go pear shaped for me, so I’m trying not to get too anxious about it.
Also have some slight concerns about moving too fast. Our parenting schedules (which are thankfully in alignment), will force a slower pace though I guess.
Realizing I don’t think he cares if I come or not and I need to be more assertive if I want this arrangement to benefit me as much as it does him.
i wish that i didn’t want to be wanted
It’s certainly weird seeing more and more profiles searching for “providers” and “princess treatment” lately, especially weird being in a predominantly liberal city. I mean I totally get it, who wouldn’t want a soft life but I can’t help but laugh. Anyone else seeing more of this?
Fighting my anxious attachment the last few days. My bf and I usually see each other once or twice a week, but we have longer/deeper text convos pretty much every day. That hasn’t been the case this last week because his friends have been in town visiting (and they took a weekend trip to another near-ish city). I know my guy has limited spoons and they are all being spent on keeping up with his friends’ plans; I know that he loves me and still manages to say hi and ask about my day each day, even if it’s not a deeper convo like I’m used to; I know all the signs of him loving me are there and this is just a temporary pause in our routine. I’m not actually worried about our relationship one bit.
But he got home tonight and I know he’s *tired* but I feel like the dog that’s sooo pumped that their human is home, and he just isn’t matching that energy at all. I had my own plans and busy weekend but I did miss talking to him this last week, and I told him that, and he hearts those messages like he usually does but… he hasn’t said “I missed you too.” And we both have free time tomorrow but I knew he’d be sleeping and recovering from his nonstop week but gosh I wish he could have said “I can’t wait to see you as soon as I can.” We have plans on Friday that we’re both excited for, and this weekend we’ll spend it together like we always do, but I just… I’m letting his apparent lack of urgency, compared to mine, get to me.
I will probably mention this to him whenever we do hang out next. We’ve talked before that while we feel pretty balanced in our relationship, he’s a touch more avoidant and I’m a touch more anxious. He’ll be open to hearing my feelings when he’s rested up, and I’m not worried about that either. But tonight I just am sitting with my feelings of wanting a *little* more than I’m getting, and questioning if I’m forming a slightly unhealthy dependence on him or if he’s being distant. No advice needed, just…AUGH, you know?