Being an introvert and academically focused honestly feels like a disadvantage in dating nowadays. From school till 12th we were told to only study score marks, stay disciplined, and avoid distractions. Ironically that was probably the time when most people naturally formed connections and relationships. But many of us nerdy and introverted kids stayed focused because society, teachers, parents, and even YouTube “study gurus” kept repeating that success should be the only priority.
Then came college and degree life…Again the same thing focus on placements, internships,career, future. While others learned how relationships, communication, emotional bonding and dating actually work many introverts stayed inside their bubble trying to become so called “successful.” And because we were introverts we often didn’t even notice when someone liked us. We rarely approached anyone ourselves either. So real closeness and bonding never happened naturally. Meanwhile, the people confidently dating were often the ones talking to multiple people at once. Now suddenly in 1-2 years society expects us to marry a completely unknown person through arranged marriage setups.
We are expected to judge compatibility in a few meetings like it’s some business deal, without really knowing how that person will turn out in real life. Sometimes it feels like the people who rebelled a little, dated, made mistakes, learned emotions and relationships early were actually smarter than us. Meanwhile many introverted, studious people followed every “safe” rule perfectly and still ended up emotionally inexperienced and confused about how dating and relationships even work…..
As a girl it’s difficult too because not everyone is after money and property like many of them think some of us just want a normal husband and small happy family where both work together and don’t get cheated on or face problems in marriage after all this…..
31 comments
Eh. It’s studying different shit. Some focused socially and others didn’t
you followed the be disciplined, focus on studies path perfectly and still got thrown into the dating world with zero tutorial and a timer already running
Not to mention men automatically think there’s something wrong with you if you’re single above 35. I’m literally 36 and half my life was spent getting my doctorate and the other half was spent with a partner who ended up having addiction issues right before our engagement. So is it my fault I’m single? No. But here I am suffering because I’m “too old”
You can do sports, studies and relationships altogether without much problems.
We just realise it too late that’s all 🤷♂️
And not to mention all the truamas and self esteem issues that prevented us during younger years.
It used to be smarter and more prudent to hold off a bit, but the game and the landscape changed and if you predicted that then I would say that is clearly smart. It should be really simple and easy; it sounds like it but unfortunately it isn’t.
The newer societal proscription is not working, it used to. We really do need to be more intentional younger now as a result, a time when we’re surrounded by the most people and have natural human connections and vetting. The amount of default dating one has to do just to get an understanding of who the person is, is troubling, not to mention the other downsides.
Didn’t always need to be, ten years ago you could still get away with it, but new social norms and rules, social media and apps, new more visualized and digital venues and standards before actual interactions, default fast and casual dating norms, we emerged from a pandemic and don’t know what we are looking at anymore, which was of no benefit of itself. Flaming gender war, looksmaxxing, extreme feminism and manosphere.
If many of us know what dating and getting to know people would turn into, we would have tried to lock it down before. Workplace is off limits, you can’t approach, as you age you don’t have the social network and sphere you once did, if older everyone is dealing with marriage and kids and if you haven’t been as fortunate there, you really can’t do much now. You basically have to use the time you would for more financial and self-improvement to join hobby or volunteer groups for a chance you may meet someone organically.
Honestly, if you’re one who has so called success with apps and social media, then it’s likely you are not the settling down type or not doing so anytime soon or have such inflated standards that the same people who would make for getting serious and settling down with, don’t want and don’t need to do, so an argument can be made they’re not great prospects anyway.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I haven’t wanted to date in ages and now that I do, IDK what the hell I’m doing. The worst part is that people expect you to have experience/knowledge in dating when you’re older.
I was a honors student in K-12 and again in college. I also made myself too easy and had too much fun instead of working on finding some one serious. Fast forward and I’m in my late 40s looking for a partner with children of my own. Never thought I’d be in this situation where guys do not pay much attention to me at all and I’m dealing with moody teenagers arguing with me every night before bed.
Wish I could go back in time and kick my self in the butt for my choices.
The men who started dating early and get more practice will have a huge advantage because their success compounds over time. They know exactly what to say, do and act to trigger a “spark” and “vibes” during dates and interactions with women
I sort of disagree.
If you dated in your late teens / early 20s and found “the one”, in my experience you are almost always settling. The person you are at that age is so, so different than who you are when you mature into adulthood. In my experience, most people doing that end up disliking or just not being “crazy” about their SO into their 20s/30s. But when you date later in life and find your long term one when you’re more settled into a mature version of yourself, you’re much more likely to keep dating until you find someone that is crazy for you and you are crazy for. In my experience, people that waited end up in better relationships.
Initial dating is hard, but that’s a small bump in the road if what you’re looking for is a LTR / life partner
yup. totally understand this. And i honestly feel like not having baggage has put me at a disadvantage too ironically lol. Made me too trusting when i entered the dating game and also unable to anwer questions like “how did your last relationship end” to the other person’s satisfaction. everyone expects you to have learned from a relationship by now or else you are a red flag and apparently focusing on studying and money is not an acceptable answer. But then you cant gain experience without having experience and its hard to navigate red flags when you have nothing to compare it to.
University years were the last when you could date for the fun and meeting people. And now I’m damned because I don’t have an apartment in the city centre, so no woman will consider me even a dating material
I will have to agree with your assessment. Me and several of my older unmarried guy friends have encountered this. Got our lives together first or traveled a bit. And now, once we are ready to date, all the options have so much baggage and problems. They do say: the older you get the less good options there are on both sides, for men and women. A lot of the good people are already taken early on.
I have also has some of these “arranged meetings” but they just feel forced.
I think the best we older, set up in life people have to do is do some self study about dating and go it ourselves with meetup groups and such.
Different people have different priorities earlier in life. Doesn’t define whether or not they’ll meet the right person early on.
I did date young while pursuing an ambitious postgrad education and it still didn’t work for me.
This is because of the following:
1) I had low self esteem and tied my self worth to academic performance, and picked multiple partners who reflected this. They didn’t harm me but I did bend over backwards for them and put them on pedestals. Only after I graduated and started working did I gain higher self worth and standards.
2) at a younger age, we were all on similar playing fields. But I decided to continue pursuing higher ed AND wanted to live alone. This is where the paths diverged with guys I dated. Most of the time it wasn’t an issue that they didn’t study further but they stayed momma’s boys and I was dealing with a higher level of responsibility in my mid 20s, so it was feeling like an uneven playing field.
I agree. I wish I would have started dating way sooner. I had the chance to my first year of university, but I was shy and self-conscious of my lack of experience back then. Wish I had just pushed myself to date and become more comfortable with it.
I also think social media has not helped.
I did date in my late teens early 20’s and STILL ended up single at almost 40. I was almost even married there truly is no magic formula.
I’ve always felt the exact same way!! I was in an all-girls boarding school for a lot of my formative years, and so when I got to college, I felt sooo behind the curve when it came to dating. I spent my entire freshman year dating monsters because I wasn’t able to see the signs I was being manipulated as quickly as everyone else.
I also would NEVER recommend experiencing your first heartbreak in your 20s and when you’re working. When you’re a teen / in school, you have time to mope around all day and deal with your feelings. When you’re in your mid-20s you can’t cry at work, and everyone expects you to get on with things even though you feel like shit. That compounded with the existential dread you have to face, thinking that you’ve just wasted precious time you never had in the first place.
I think as well being from an all-girls school background gave me a fear of men that I have never quite recovered from. Most of my young interactions with them were through the horror stories of other people. So I was never really interested in dating to begin with.
Nah, they were just luckier on the dating scene. They had no idea what would happen that young and happened to find someone they could work with AND stay with for a long time
I think introverts just take longer to learn those skills. But yes many of the people who find soneone early were the people with a high social iq who were able to sort it out early and get the early mover advantage.
It’s not about “being smarter” it’s about how good your genes are
It don’t matter how “social” you are or if you were academically focused, of you have a good enough face then you could get some dating opportunities.
I think the hardest thing is it changed rapidly. The forms of communication post covid, the advent of online dating before that, or the current high bar of needing above a 3.8 to get a decent job.
In my day i was a nerd and still am, but i also had time for dating and life. Cause back then you could graduate with a 3.0 and get a great job, if you had supporting stuff. I had hackathons and sports on my resume to bolster me for tech jobs.
And yeah i learned a ton about dating in my highschool and college tears. But its changed. Idk if i having the exact grades i did, would get where i got.
Godspeed
I totally agree with you 😢
This… might be right. Damn.
Dating at 40 is literally hell.
I dated young & some of my friends looked down on me for being in long term serious relationships young but now I am so so so so so thankful I had those experiences. In my opinion you learn so much about yourself and others through relationships and learning those lessons earlier when marriage, children aren’t so imminent is crucial.
I think people need to start emphasising the importance of good romantic relationships early on instead of some afterthought. You need to learn that success in life isn’t just about having a successful career but also from a successful relationship, then people may put more time and effort into developing this critical area of life.
My guess is if you weren’t taught relationships are JUST as important as your career/making money, you’ve surrounded yourself with the wrong people. Get yourself some friends, mentors, idols, anyone that has a great relationship and watch how seriously they take it. Only those who ‘don’t’ have it will treat it as unimportant and therefore mislead young people to also disregard it.
i’ve noticed the same and glad i’m not going through this. I dated a lot from 5th-12th grade and did OK academically (B average student). Now, I’m 28 with a bunch of dating experience and it’s very easy to me while I see other people around me who never dated through their school years struggle.
Like me, almost 23 and never had any sex or a romantic relationship. It’s going to be really hard
As someone whose career oriented with only one previous long-term relationship, I heavily disagree. I’d much rather be well-off and content alone than have “experience” dating
Yes I wish I dated more in college
Lady, I think you overthink everything.
I’m an introvert. I dated early and learned very early on that relationships are painful.
I think we think the grass is always greener or if we did things differently. Looking back at my life I wish I had focused more like you and worried about myself more. But I was always aware that as women we have a finite period of time for us to try to find a good one to settle down and have a family. Like you I only wanted a nice husband and a nice family and a nice career and we would work together happily ever after but my life didn’t turn out that way either.
As women it’s so hard for us to have everything. It’s hard for everyone but even more so for women.
But for real. I think you overthink things way too much and are driven to a fault.