This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
36 comments
Promising date last night with a nervous, sweet, handsome guy who I hope likes me too. I think he does? He asked for my number with shaking hands at the end of the date and said we should do it again, but we’ll see. Kinda intimidated by him but there’s real potential there if things gain momentum. To make it more fun, I almost got into an accident on the way there. I was okay, only ended up with a bruised bumper and scuffed tires but it delayed me by 20 minutes or so. He could not have been kinder or more understanding. When I got to the restaurant, still a little shaky from the adrenaline, I told the hostess I was meeting someone and she said “he told us – are you okay?” So sweet.
Date tonight with someone who seems a bit more adventurous and wild. We’re having a lot of good banter and fun talking so I can’t see it going poorly, just skeptical about his willingness to settle down already. It’s worth a first date. He’s a few years older than me which is refreshing because I’ve mostly had matches with guys 3-5 years younger than me. He talked me into letting him take me to a Cirque Italia event after dinner. I usually won’t agree to do multiple activity first dates (SO awkward if you know after meeting that it’s not a match and then you have to politely fawn your way through hours of time with them) – but I really want to see Cirque Italia and like. IDK. Why not on a Friday night?
Bad kisser from 2 Saturdays ago who supposedly went out of town for work texted yesterday asking to see me tonight. I was iffy on him and happened to see on his dating profile that he never did go out of town – his GPS location updated several times over the weekend, all locally. Wasn’t trying to check up on him, but was going to politely ask about the city he was in and had forgotten which one. Creeped me out, like why lie? We weren’t texting at all and I wasn’t going to pick things back up after that. But curiosity got the better of me when he texted yesterday and I was just direct and honest that I wasn’t sure what that was about or how to proceed. Not confrontational, just honest. He apologized profusely and said he was being sued and got fired before his work trip and was too humiliated to say anything but that it was stupid and crappy to lie about it, and he saw himself out. Woooooo that’s way out of my paygrade to handle. Hope he gets himself together. I didn’t know how to respond to that and then almost got into a car accident and went on a date so other matters were pressing.
I’m exhausted. After tonight’s date I’m taking a long weekend to myself with just some family and friends sprinkled in.
There was a post on my city’s subreddit asking people how they’d met their partner, and so many answers were along the lines of
“Hinge… 8 years ago” “Tinder, 12 years ago” etc etc
I wasn’t on the apps then so I don’t know how they could’ve been different? What’s changed that’s made them so shit? Were they just not monetised then so nothing was behind a paywall? Was the algorithm better?
He reached out after a couple weeks asking to see me again, saying he had been really busy. We agreed on a day, today, but did not confirm a time or place like previously, and I’m feeling over it. Not firming up plans is my pet peeve. So is the “I’m busy” excuse. We both know the last time we saw each other brought up some feelings. Past me would cut this off without further notice. New me is wondering what new action I could take. I’ve been thinking about wu wei, the art of doing nothing, as it pertains to dating. Allowing instead of forcing. I can’t tell if this is empowering or reinforcing dysfunctional patterns. I can let a connection die without doing or saying anything at all. If it is going to die, so be it. I was fine before and I’ll be fine now. Not everyone is ready to be honest with themselves.
Saw a man’s profile where he wrote the things he was looking for in a partner and one of the things on the list was “smart (but not too smart *wink emoji*)” 🤮
Had a first date a few days ago that ended in hooking up. He was so self-absorbed which annoyed me a lot but the sex was sooo good. I broke the silence last night by saying I had a good time, down to hang again and am now anxiously awaiting a response. I know “if a man likes you you’ll know” is accurate but it feels much murkier after one date particularly if you hooked up. Both people could sleep on it and change their minds!
He reached out after 2 weeks saying he had been really busy and asking to see me again. We agreed on today, but he has not firmed up plans the way he did previously. Both of those things are my pet peeves. I know how to read between the lines, and I know what avoidant deactivation and losing interest is. I’ve been losing interest anyway, the emotionally guarded texting is a turn off and maybe it’s run it’s course. Old me would have sent a text ending it immediately. New me is doing wu wei, the art of doing nothing. I can’t tell if it’s empowering or not, but it’s really nice to give closure to myself and not need it from someone else when they disappoint.
Going on 4th date tomorrow and I 38m get a text late last night “It doesn’t bother me but what do you think about our age difference?”
We’re 8 years apart. We talked about it and we are both fine with it.
Obviously it’s been on her mind since she brought it up. I just hope it’s not one of those things were she says it doesn’t bother her and then 3 or 6 months in when I’m fully invested it turns out to be a deal breaker after all
I haven’t gotten a single match back since the guy who ghosted me a month ago and it’s making me question everything about that interaction and severely beat myself up for whatever I did to turn him off. I thought ok I was maybe a bit awkward or boring on the 2nd date but hopefully he was into me enough to give me a chance at a 3rd. Nope. I had one shot and ruined it and now I do not know how many months it will be until I get another chance. Silly dumb stupid me not knowing how to attract a man. My friends think I’m funny cool and interesting sure, but I cannot hold anyone’s attention romantically. I should have responded when he breadcrumbed me a week later, it genuinely seems like it was the best shot I had at having a date atp
I’m really struggling, but whenever I think of venting on any subreddit I know I’m gonna get judged to the max. I just don’t know how to cope at the moment with my situation, I’ll vent a little just to get it off my chest. I was homeless and in addiction battling depression for a year when I met my now boyfriend, he took me in. During that year there were guys who wanted to “save” me but I never wanted to be trapped, I had been abused before. But my boyfriend was so different, made me feel safe right away, and oviously, I fell in love hard, he’s actually my first long term boyfriend. But here’s the thing, he was going through a divorce when I met him, he said it was getting finalized, now it’s a year later and still going on, but I just found out I’m pregnant.
I feel so emotional and like I don’t have a place in his life until he gets that done. It’s driving me crazy because there’s nothing I can do about it. Before, he said lawyer was very expensive and that she (ex) was asking for a lot of money, I said I need clarity I need to know where I stand. He said he was trying. Now I just feel trapped and alone and I have no one to talk to. I’m 33
I’m in an a weird place where I’m seeing someone before I’ve made any friends where I live.
I moved here about a year ago and there’s very few other visible minorities here. By census data it’s over 80% English folks (and 7% folks from other UK countries). Although I’m not opposed to befriending folks of UK heritage, many of my best friendships are with other brown folks who can identify with my experience. That racialized experience intensifies in places where I’m a more obvious minority and I need that mutual support in my life. I’ve made some attempts to move recently but they haven’t panned out.
So it’s awkward when we’re checking in about weekends and I. . .did nothing? I’ll go for a hike or to the gym or a book club but when you don’t have a social life you have nowhere to really *be*. My long distance friends are really pulling through and planning trips here and there but they obviously can’t do that very often.
It’s just awkward.
hypothetical question – for non ace people, would you keep dating if sex was off the table permanently?
edit: both partners are healthy. just decide to give up sex just like one would give up alcohol/meat
It’s great that apps can connect people. It really is. I know people who met their spouse on an app. In my experience, I consistently connect with people on apps who are simply not ready to date. Their hearts are healing, they’re dipping their toe in, and they withdraw quickly after what feels like an authentic connection. Even for something casual. Its been nice to feel attractive and appreciated, and I’m excited to see if I can open my heart more to people out in the real world.
Just a rant but: I guess it’s only been about a month on the apps and I haven’t really put myself out there in person but why is it so hard to actually get dates?? I don’t match with people often on the apps and even when I do it hasn’t led to any meetings which is frustrating! I take a little solace in some things I’ve seen about the transition to warmer weather supposedly causing for less activity on the apps but I still have to fight the feeling that I’m not attractive enough or that I’m not desirable enough! I just want to foster something with someone new now that I think my heart is ready but getting there is so hard!!
I think I am falling for a Redditor 2 time zones away in another country 🥲🫠
I hurt my girlfriend by making a comment about her body. I’m devastated that I have the capacity to hurt someone I care about deeply. I’m sitting with the gravity of knowing that I torpedoed our relationship, and I’m simultaneously touched and saddened by her maturity in responding to my inconsiderate and cruel act of disrespect towards her. I want to change so that I never hurt anyone important to me ever again.
Got stood up by the same person for the 3rd day in a row today… finally blocked her after a year of being into her.
I finally asked the guy I’ve been seeing for the last 3 months if he wants to be bf/gf officially, and he said yes! He said he adores me and he would love to be my boyfriend! I mean I had a feeling he would say yes, but I was still nervous because my last relationship never got a label because my ex didn’t want to commit, and I held on for 10 months waiting and hoping. I’m really glad I asked, and I’m glad we’re on the same page because he’s a wonderful person, and he makes me really happy.
Friends with benefits is weird!
We’re keeping it on the downlow and it’s a really funny mini-game to play out in public / around people we know. My gut says this will be a temporary, short-lived experiment and that we’ll go back to being just friends pretty soon, but we’ll see what conversation brings about.
[deleted]
[removed]
Gentlemen, how does your boy land a FWB situation? If I’m not going to find love & understanding, at least I could find pleasure
I posted on the old thread and then it got locked…there was consensus I should not message someone again after I asked them out on Wednesday, and they have not responded. I see it, I feel it, and yet I NEED to know WTF happened there. Will I remain strong in my resolve? Time will tell.
As for only engaging with people who are being intentional, I really did think this guy was being intentional, both from his profile and our previous conversation. It’s why I dared get my hopes up that we would actually meet.
Kinda just want to nuke my profiles right now. Love is not meant for me, I don’t think 🥲
So I’ve been multidating for the last month and I’ve finally reached the point where I feel like I need to start making decisions. Been on a lot of first dates but now I’ve got four woman I’ve met going into the 2-4 date range, and of course a lot of potential matches on the app I’d be interested in exploring further.
I would say I am a highly sensitive and empathetic person so I struggle to end things or feel like I’m hurting someone, and also a bit unsure whether I even want to end things yet.
Of the people I’m seeing, from my perspective there is one clear ‘hell yes’ who I am most interested in, also the person I’ve been on the most dates with. But it feels far from certain it will continue as she’s been hard to read. I do like and I’m interested in the other 3, but I guess they are more ‘maybes’ at the end of the day?
I guess I’m just curious how other multidaters handle this as it’s new for me. Do you only move past the 1st date with the people you feel ‘hell yes’ about? How long do you see the ‘maybes’? Since I know it is hard for me to end things, I don’t want to get too involved but at the same time it seems too soon to end things? But I also feel like at this point I can’t add anyone new to the mix even though I want to.
Just feel a bit overwhelmed and confused how to proceed at this point.
I’m having a hard time and want to call on some friends to vent/get advice about my hair situation but I feel bad for talking about this so much when I already know the ultimate answer is to get over myself and wear a wig, my feelings in it don’t really matter, people are going to get tired of me having feelings about it at some point. Like it’s not like there is much they can say and I know it is tiring to hear someone repeatedly complain about being single especially when you are long partnered/married
Like how do you choose between changing your appearance to a point where you literally don’t recognize yourself in the mirror, and have to reintroduce yourself to everyone who’s ever met you. Versus potentially never finding love ever
I’m moving cross country with my partner for his job. We’re going to be living together.
We’re not engaged and we’ve been together for over a year. It feels scary to move like this without commitment but my job is fully remote so it feels more okay.
M talking to F a long-distance. We met online last year, talked very deeply for months, then met in person recently. We have another trip planned soon.
Before meeting, we had a very strong emotional/intellectual connection. Long calls, daily messages, lots of vulnerability, future-ish conversations, talks about exclusivity, intimacy, values, etc. It felt very intense and meaningful.
The in-person meeting was mixed. There were nice moments: cuddling, closeness, sleeping in the same bed, some physical affection. But it was also awkward and tense. She was very reserved physically and emotionally, and I found myself freezing because I didn’t feel many “green lights” from her. She later explained she was unsure whether she wanted to push things past friendship vibes, plus she has body image issues that got triggered around me.
Since then we’ve had several very heavy conversations. She has said she likes me a lot, I’m important to her, she looks forward to my texts, she wants to flirt, she wants to travel with me and cook for me when I visit. She also said we’re not “just friends.”
But she has also said she’s 100% not ready for a relationship, doesn’t want to promise exclusivity, and wants to leave “relationship progress” aside for now and just wander with me. Her view is that she needs more real-life time, consistency, and practical/grounded stability before she can know whether a relationship makes sense. She also has mental health/self-worth/body image work she’s focusing on.
I’m trying to be understanding, but I’m honestly exhausted. After these heavy messages, her texting became much less warm/attentive. She used to update me naturally about her day, send little things, respond to goodnights, etc. Now sometimes I send something and get no reply, or very low-effort replies. It makes me feel like she wants the comfort/depth of me being there, but without the emotional responsibility of actually choosing anything.
I know I lean anxious. I’ve been working on not chasing reassurance and not reading into every message. But I also don’t want to gaslight myself. I feel like I’m constantly trying to understand her, adjust to her pace, reassure her, and not scare her off while I’m getting less and less back.
At the same time, she has been very honest. She hasn’t promised me anything. She’s told me clearly she isn’t ready for a relationship. She suggested reevaluating after the trip. So part of me thinks I should go, keep it light, see how it feels in real life, and decide after.
Another part of me feels drained and wonders whether I’m walking into a dynamic where I’ll keep hoping for more while she stays undecided.
I’m not asking whether she’s a bad person. I don’t think she is. I think she’s self-aware, caring, but very guarded. My question is more:
Would a secure person keep going to the trip and just treat it as “real-life data,” without expecting anything? Or would they step back now calling it a friendship because this already feels emotionally underfeeding?
Also, if we are not exclusive and she doesn’t want to commit to anything, is it reasonable for me to stop putting all my emotional energy into her and keep my options open too?
I care about her a lot, but I’m tired of feeling like I’m trying to earn clarity from someone who may not be able to give it.
Reading All About Love by bell hooks for the first time and there are some banger (as the youth say) quotes that have helped promote some solid reflection with regard to patterns and “types”. I think some thoughts or opinions are passed along as truths, so it’s important to read with a critical lens and of course disagree with other parts of the book as you see fit, but copying as a teaser if you haven’t picked it up yet-
“Many of us choose relationships of affection and care that will never become loving because they feel safer. The demands are not as intense as loving requires. The risk is not as great.”
“The wounded child inside many males is a boy who, when he first spoke his truths, was silenced by paternal sadism, by a patriarchal world that did not want him to claim his true feelings” (including this one because I think it applies to all genders, not just men)
“We fear that evaluating our needs and then carefully choosing partners will reveal that there is no one for us to love. Most of us prefer to have a partner who is lacking than no partner at all. What becomes apparent is that we may be more interested in finding a partner than in knowing love.”
Anyone have fun plans for the weekend?
FOURTH DATE WITH CONCERT BOY!! And he wants to hangout again Monday. Am I being love bombed?
I will copy the same from yesterdays thread because im not in the US timezone and got confused:
I (32F) had my first ever good date yeasterday. He (35M) really matched my freak. We have talked about a second date but he told me he is busy for the next couple weeks. I told him that we could at least have some coffee and he hasn’t answered in more than a day, and I don’t think he will. It really confuses me because he did take the time to prank me in a quite elaborate way via text. I feel like two weeks without seeing him nor texting him after a one hour date is too long to get to know eachother. But I am very inexperienced in dating, never had a second date before. Any opinions? I think I will double text him sometime in the following days but I am not enjoying the situation. I really liked him, it is making me feel very unhopeful with dating.
I know it’s lame but how many first/second dates do you have to go on.
Great chats, laughs, girls let me know exactly what they’re after beforehand.
They’re fun and we connect but I guess they just realise I’m not that attractive or what they want in person. I swear these apps just make it easier to move on to other people. Especially when you’re a girl living in a big city like London!
Very demoralising.
Dating myself, spoiling myself… why spend $20-100 on a first date when I can just spend that on myself lol. It’s raining all weekend but I got a new ps5 controller, mini lego set, and planning on ordering a pizza tonight. Love bombing myself like I’m Hormuz
I also chose not to contact the situationship from last summer that reached out. I am going to protect my peace and the right girl will (eventually) come along.
FWB asked if I was still comfortable with the dynamic. He knows I want more, he’s out of a 10 year relationship and is happy being single and having his freedom, which I’ve known from the start.
It was an uncomfortable conversation, I felt quite vulnerable and embarrassed but I’m glad we had it. He said he doesn’t want me to be putting energy into this if it would be better spent elsewhere and I said that that’s a decision only I can make and I’m checking in with myself.
I tried to find some way of saying that dating is something I find impossible and I’m lonely without physical connection that didn’t sound too self-deprecating and just ended up saying “I know what’s out there”.
He’s concerned with me getting hurt and doesn’t want to fuck me over, says it will be a long, long time before he considers being in a relationship again and I said I’m not waiting around for him and I know what’s this is between us, which he said sounded bleak.
I do think he’s sincere. He’s emotionally intelligent and I don’t want to stop seeing him. Obviously I want more but right now I’m happy with the needs he fulfils, even if it can’t ever be what I truly want.
How do people in FWB relationships handle the potential of an accidental pregnancy? Is it discussed that the woman will get an abortion?
Has anyone ever had the feeling that you are un-dateable? I don’t mean this in a sad-boy/woe-is-me type of way – I mean that you just give off ‘permanantly single’ energy. I had a co-worker say it to me a few years ago, that she couldn’t imagine what sort of woman I would be in a relationship is. And it feels like everyone else I know seems to feel the same way. Like, I’ve asked for friends/families/etc. to make introductions, be my wing man, all that sort of stuff and everyone just freezes up or changes the subject.
Everyone seems to assume that I’m single by choice, and when I express that I don’t want to be that breaks the image of me they have as a person. It’s weird, and I just wanted to know if anyone else has been pigeonholed in this sorta way.