What sort of “depth” are you looking for in the start of a relationship? 5-7 dates in.
May 20, 2026
What sort of “depth” are you looking for in the start of a relationship? 5-7 dates in.
15 comments
I would expect I’d already know their thoughts on commitment, children, any major kinks, or fetishes, religion, and a general idea of their long-term goals by then
Meh, 5-7 dates isn’t much (especially if you meet off an app like Hinge). I guess things like do they want kids, where do they want to settle, their stance on marriage etc. But I don’t usually force these things. I like them to come up naturally in conversation
[removed]
I’m a guy, but I honestly think the answer is the same irrespective of gender: 5-7 dates in, unless you are a kid, you should be starting to move a bit past the _date_ stage and entering a phase where you are beginning to _share life_ in a casual way. You are running a couple of errands together. You are deciding to hang out across a full day together – errands, cooking, cleaning up, shopping – all done together.
In other words, there’s depth of conversations about important topics. Those are all important. Those should have already started.
But now – you should start having more “normal life” experiences vs. all “dates”
(Added: And in terms of adding depth, you will learn quite a bit about someone when you spend a day vacuuming, cleaning, going to the grocer, cooking and doing laundry with them. And if you are a woman dating a man, it is VITAL that you learn early how the dude you’re seeing deals with household chores.)
I’m looking for consistency. That’s the real depth. Not highs and lows and then ghosting me.
If you’re still going at 7 dates with someone then you really like this person and things are shifting to a commitment. First thing to discuss is “our we exclusive?” if that hasn’t come up already. Sex is REALLY good at this stage.
5-7 dates is enough to gauge personality+vibes+chemistry and ask about major values and life goals. It takes a bit longer to get to know someone’s character – to see how they enact their values/how they consistently show up. It just takes time to get to know someone.
The closest thing to that: if you’ve met some of their friends, do they act the same in front of you when their friends are around? And start looking at their consistency
Approaching 50 I’m not going to mess around with games when dating. By 5-7 dates in I’m past the point of wondering if there’s potential and would want to be at least at the beginning stages of developing a deep connection.
Hmmm I think I’d be looking for introspection and the ability to articulate your feelings and emotions in a way that’s more complex than “I’m sad”.
I’m in my 30s, was in a 5 year relationship with someone that wasn’t “deep” and I was overly patient waiting for them to get better with expressing themselves. They admitted it was a weakness but if they did try to work on it during our relationship, the pace was incredibly slow because it’s not something they valued.
With some people, it’s just never going to work because they’re not naturally introspective and don’t care to be, or they haven’t reached that level yet. Maybe they have too many walls built up or they don’t want to face heavy feelings like shame. When dating someone like this, I felt alone, empty and unfulfilled because I couldn’t have serious conversations with them or open up because they didn’t understand my feelings and lacked real curiosity about me as a person.
A lot. Answers to most of these questions
GENERAL
What’s your typical day start to finish?
What is your relationship with work and how will this impact a relationship? (e.g. work is important/not important, work takes up a lot of time, etc.)
What hobby or activity is a non-negotiable for your happiness?
How do you like to spend your day off?
What’s one thing you’ve changed your mind about recently?
Are you currently in therapy? Do you have any mental health issues and if so, do they require meds and are you taking those regularly?
What’s our relationship and beliefs around money? Do you have debt?
How do you handle conflict/challenges? Do you yell? Do you say things you regret? When do you bring things up (right away vs late)?
How do you recharge when life gets overwhelming?
Is there a side of yourself that you rarely show to anyone?
PAST
What’s a relationship that changed you significantly?
What’s something you’ve forgiven someone for, even if they never apologized?
FUTURE
What’s your biggest goal / priority in the next year?
Is there something you really want to experience one day?
What’s the most random thing on your bucket list?
DATING
Does anybody think they are in a relationship with you?
How would your exes describe you?
How has dating changed for you since you first started dating?
When was the last time you were intimate with someone?
What did you learn from your past relationships? What did you used to accept in relationships that you are no longer willing to?
What did you not hear enough in your last relationship that you’d like to hear more of?
Biggest age gap in dating?
Are you emotionally available?
Do you want children? How do you feel about abortions?
What kind of porn do you watch? Are you addicted to porn, do you pay for Only Fans?
What are dealbreakers to you?
RELATIONSHIP
How much time apart and time together feels healthy and safe for you? How much alone time do you want/need?
What excites you the most about building a relationship?
How do you show someone you like them?
What makes you feel loved?
What makes you feel supported? How would you like to be supported in a difficult situation?
What do you sometimes need that you don’t always say?
How do you picture home life? (e.g. traveling often, home quite often, lots of space, minimalistic home, shared chores, household roles, etc.)
What privacy or boundaries do we have around things like social media, our phones, laptops, etc.
How can/will we celebrate milestones in our relationship?
How willing are you to go to therapy, even when things aren’t bad?
If we were to break up, what would the reason be?
What is your biggest fear in relationships?
Would you stop drinking and smoking to improve your sperm quality?
WOMEN’S ISSUES
Who is your favorite female singer or author?
Are there any women you admire besides your mother? Why?
What do you think of feminism?
Would you buy period products?
What’s your view on prostitution? Have you visited a sex worker?
OTHER
If I gave you three wishes right now, what would you use them for?
What’s your last Google search?
How early do you get to the airport for a flight?
How much do you think about emails before you send them?
What do you think happens after we die?
6 inches deep at least
If I find them interesting and want to know them better and think about them and come up with questions to ask them while we’re apart, then that’s good enough for me. If I’m not thinking of them at all between dates and I find myself bored by them rather than curious about them then it’s time to end it. This is assuming they’re doing everything right and reciprocating on their part.
[removed]
Depends on the dates and how they’re spaced across the timelines. Actions speak louder than words. If the man shows up when I tell him about a problem in my daily life and takes me out to dinner dates where we can talk about anything and everything I’d expect to know what he is looking for, what his future decades will look like, what he wants in a partner, and through personal contact I’ll also know about his body language, etiquette, behaviour, a bit of his character etc…
I’m nosy and of the opinion that strong values and life goals should definitely be shared early on, otherwise you are generally incompatible and most likely wasting each other’s time.
This includes things like religion, children, and marriage. I asked my current partner about these scenarios in our first week of dating.
15 comments
I would expect I’d already know their thoughts on commitment, children, any major kinks, or fetishes, religion, and a general idea of their long-term goals by then
Meh, 5-7 dates isn’t much (especially if you meet off an app like Hinge). I guess things like do they want kids, where do they want to settle, their stance on marriage etc. But I don’t usually force these things. I like them to come up naturally in conversation
[removed]
I’m a guy, but I honestly think the answer is the same irrespective of gender: 5-7 dates in, unless you are a kid, you should be starting to move a bit past the _date_ stage and entering a phase where you are beginning to _share life_ in a casual way. You are running a couple of errands together. You are deciding to hang out across a full day together – errands, cooking, cleaning up, shopping – all done together.
In other words, there’s depth of conversations about important topics. Those are all important. Those should have already started.
But now – you should start having more “normal life” experiences vs. all “dates”
(Added: And in terms of adding depth, you will learn quite a bit about someone when you spend a day vacuuming, cleaning, going to the grocer, cooking and doing laundry with them. And if you are a woman dating a man, it is VITAL that you learn early how the dude you’re seeing deals with household chores.)
I’m looking for consistency. That’s the real depth. Not highs and lows and then ghosting me.
If you’re still going at 7 dates with someone then you really like this person and things are shifting to a commitment. First thing to discuss is “our we exclusive?” if that hasn’t come up already. Sex is REALLY good at this stage.
5-7 dates is enough to gauge personality+vibes+chemistry and ask about major values and life goals. It takes a bit longer to get to know someone’s character – to see how they enact their values/how they consistently show up. It just takes time to get to know someone.
The closest thing to that: if you’ve met some of their friends, do they act the same in front of you when their friends are around? And start looking at their consistency
Approaching 50 I’m not going to mess around with games when dating. By 5-7 dates in I’m past the point of wondering if there’s potential and would want to be at least at the beginning stages of developing a deep connection.
Hmmm I think I’d be looking for introspection and the ability to articulate your feelings and emotions in a way that’s more complex than “I’m sad”.
I’m in my 30s, was in a 5 year relationship with someone that wasn’t “deep” and I was overly patient waiting for them to get better with expressing themselves. They admitted it was a weakness but if they did try to work on it during our relationship, the pace was incredibly slow because it’s not something they valued.
With some people, it’s just never going to work because they’re not naturally introspective and don’t care to be, or they haven’t reached that level yet. Maybe they have too many walls built up or they don’t want to face heavy feelings like shame. When dating someone like this, I felt alone, empty and unfulfilled because I couldn’t have serious conversations with them or open up because they didn’t understand my feelings and lacked real curiosity about me as a person.
A lot. Answers to most of these questions
GENERAL
What’s your typical day start to finish?
What is your relationship with work and how will this impact a relationship? (e.g. work is important/not important, work takes up a lot of time, etc.)
What hobby or activity is a non-negotiable for your happiness?
How do you like to spend your day off?
What’s one thing you’ve changed your mind about recently?
Are you currently in therapy? Do you have any mental health issues and if so, do they require meds and are you taking those regularly?
What’s our relationship and beliefs around money? Do you have debt?
How do you handle conflict/challenges? Do you yell? Do you say things you regret? When do you bring things up (right away vs late)?
How do you recharge when life gets overwhelming?
Is there a side of yourself that you rarely show to anyone?
PAST
What’s a relationship that changed you significantly?
What’s something you’ve forgiven someone for, even if they never apologized?
FUTURE
What’s your biggest goal / priority in the next year?
Is there something you really want to experience one day?
What’s the most random thing on your bucket list?
DATING
Does anybody think they are in a relationship with you?
How would your exes describe you?
How has dating changed for you since you first started dating?
When was the last time you were intimate with someone?
What did you learn from your past relationships? What did you used to accept in relationships that you are no longer willing to?
What did you not hear enough in your last relationship that you’d like to hear more of?
Biggest age gap in dating?
Are you emotionally available?
Do you want children? How do you feel about abortions?
What kind of porn do you watch? Are you addicted to porn, do you pay for Only Fans?
What are dealbreakers to you?
RELATIONSHIP
How much time apart and time together feels healthy and safe for you? How much alone time do you want/need?
What excites you the most about building a relationship?
How do you show someone you like them?
What makes you feel loved?
What makes you feel supported? How would you like to be supported in a difficult situation?
What do you sometimes need that you don’t always say?
How do you picture home life? (e.g. traveling often, home quite often, lots of space, minimalistic home, shared chores, household roles, etc.)
What privacy or boundaries do we have around things like social media, our phones, laptops, etc.
How can/will we celebrate milestones in our relationship?
How willing are you to go to therapy, even when things aren’t bad?
If we were to break up, what would the reason be?
What is your biggest fear in relationships?
Would you stop drinking and smoking to improve your sperm quality?
WOMEN’S ISSUES
Who is your favorite female singer or author?
Are there any women you admire besides your mother? Why?
What do you think of feminism?
Would you buy period products?
What’s your view on prostitution? Have you visited a sex worker?
OTHER
If I gave you three wishes right now, what would you use them for?
What’s your last Google search?
How early do you get to the airport for a flight?
How much do you think about emails before you send them?
What do you think happens after we die?
6 inches deep at least
If I find them interesting and want to know them better and think about them and come up with questions to ask them while we’re apart, then that’s good enough for me. If I’m not thinking of them at all between dates and I find myself bored by them rather than curious about them then it’s time to end it. This is assuming they’re doing everything right and reciprocating on their part.
[removed]
Depends on the dates and how they’re spaced across the timelines. Actions speak louder than words. If the man shows up when I tell him about a problem in my daily life and takes me out to dinner dates where we can talk about anything and everything I’d expect to know what he is looking for, what his future decades will look like, what he wants in a partner, and through personal contact I’ll also know about his body language, etiquette, behaviour, a bit of his character etc…
I’m nosy and of the opinion that strong values and life goals should definitely be shared early on, otherwise you are generally incompatible and most likely wasting each other’s time.
This includes things like religion, children, and marriage. I asked my current partner about these scenarios in our first week of dating.