My coworker is an old russian guy who is very nice, but not the most patient person. English wasn't his first language, so communication isn't always perfect between us. He had a stroke this winter, and this has been even worse between us since he came back. He is mentoring me on repairing and building medical scopes. He typically gets very frustrated with the way I ask questions, a lot of the mistakes I make and *then ask him for help after already fucking up, and a few other nuanced points. I finally had a discussion today with him to try and figure out a better way forward for us. He explained that he feels like when I ask for help, I sometimes don't listen and break stuff. He also explained that I get combative at times and act like a kid. He stopped him self after saying this and said he didn't want to get into that anymore. This tells me I might not be fully aware of myself. How would you guys handle this situation? Just to be clear, in no way am I upset with my coworker, I appreciate his feedback and honesty and genuinely want to improve our working relationship. I look up to and respect this person a lot, and take it personally when I upset him. Thanks guys.
I have personality issues and mental health issues I'm working through with professional help currently, I'm not your normal regular joe lol.
12 comments
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Honestly I would be wary of worrying too much about this off handed comment. If he’s Eastern European and older and there’s a culture/language barrier then the way he’s saying you act childish could be anything, including some possibly misogynistic or homophobic ideals. If he has specific complaints about your performance then take those, but don’t take criticism about your personality from this person unless you have a good reason to believe his social life is much more successful than yours, which I somehow doubt.
You sound like you are an open person, asks questions, and gives a fair go at things before giving up. Keep those qualities.
I would listen to his feedback and try to find ways to be less combative with him if you truly want to improve the relationship. Being ‘combative’ with anyone at work is highly inappropriate, and if he’s telling you that’s how you’re coming across then you need to listen to that.
Also, maybe try taking notes when he explains things to you so that you make less mistakes. It’s not acceptable to be making mistakes at work on things that have already been explained to you, so he does also have a valid point there.
He could have stuff going on in his life, he could feel that he doesn’t want to mentor anyone, he may not be equipped to deal with your specific “personality and mental health issues”, whatever they may be.
The most obvious thing would be, try to listen carefully, and try not to brush off advise or intructions. My grandad once showed me a little pocket notebook he kept on him all the time when he was a young apprentice, where he’d write down all the advice and tips the older guys at the factory gave him, so he wouldn’t have to ask twice. You might use a phone these days – although I bet the older guy would appreciate the aesthetic of a notebook!
You should really think hard about the way you phrase your questions and your tone. A lot of people can think you come across as confrontational depending on the way you phrase things and take it the wrong way. It’s easier to notice this if you listen to a lot of unedited conversations between other people.
Instead of telling him, ask him. Ask him how, ask him why. Ask him before you make the mistake to verify the approach. When you do make a mistake don’t provide any excuse. Ask how to prevent that mistake, nod and say thank you I will do better next time. It is what it is. I bet you are thinking it’s polite to tell him the story about the mistake (how or why or what you were thinking) and he thinks that is defensiveness. Instead of “I just thought..” ask “what do you think?” I believe he will like that style.
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Cultural and intergenerational concerns are relevant here. Take the training, don’t give him shit, and develop your own practices as you go. In these cultures, compliance, or better yet, PERFORMED compliance is a display of respect. He perceives you as a child needing parenting because of the way children are raised here. You think you know what it’s like to be around adults (and you do), but in his culture children are molded through strict/rigid expectations, compliance training, power, and expect stoicism.
Get what you need from the relationship and then find someone else to work with to continue your personal development.
Sounds like he’s a bit of a bellend.
Did you reply: “Thank you!”?
It’s quite a compliment!
Definitely bring this up to your therapist next time. It’s important to keep things smooth at work. It might help to write down what happened if you notice when he’s mad and bring notes to your session.
You did say “He had a stroke this winter, and this has been even worse between us since he came back.”
I had an older friend in her 70s who suffered a stroke and it changed her personality a bit and she seemed less tolerant with less patience. I’m sure it’s an awful thing to go through. And I’m sorry you and your pal are struggling. Just wanted to say it could be medical too.