This is my greatest relationship so far, everything is quite fulfilling, including sex. However I didn’t have much chance to explore in the past and I have a high sex drive, so I am quite demanding on this side and it’s a very important part of the relationship.
We slowly got to know each other in these last 2 years and we had a few fights, mostly around our respective needs. A few ones were about sex where I told her I was frustrated we were too vanilla despite talking and agreeing in the beginning about what we would like to try. I tried to understand why it was blocking, if I was doing something wrong, if she felt safe etc… on which she told me everything was fine but just busy life taking over and her being very happy with our sex life.
The thing is that I recently discovered she lied about her past (things she told me she never tried but in reality she did), she was more adventurous and worst, she recently started to blackmail me : « I would do that only if we marry ».
I respect her boundaries but I am really hurt. I love her but I feel like a second choice or the guy she settled for. Is it possible to move on ? I feel there is no other alternative than leaving at this stage, which is really bad as she makes me quite happy.
Tl;dr : Gf is very vanilla with me, but explored a lot in the past and is not that motivated to explore with me despite telling me the opposite when we started dating.
8 comments
She lied. There can be no trust after that. Move on brother.
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Sex is a mutual act between two people. She is attempting to use it as a bargaining chip for marriage which means she doesn’t fully respect you or desire you that much. You also know there’s a lack of desire by the fact that she was very sexually adventurous before you but now she plays vanilla. The sex being used as a means to bargain with you will only get worse if you marry her and give her that extra leverage
So she tried some stuff out before, and realized she didn’t enjoy it. You’re upset that you didn’t get to be the person she tried those things with. You wish you had the experience of giving her sex that she did not enjoy.
Also, she has a history of people-pleasing in bed – doing stuff, or promising stuff, that she doesn’t like doing. She is trying to stop doing this, but you’re upset that she “lied.”
More specifically, she made promises that she did not want to keep. Because she views these sex acts as things she doesn’t want to do, but that men want, despite her lack of enjoyment. Seems like you view it the same way, since you feel entitled to receiving equal service as her previous partners, when she was less experienced, willing to try stuff she didn’t want to do, and had less of a backbone.
If you want a less vanilla partner, find one who actually wants to enjoy those things. Don’t accuse this one of manipulating, withholding and lying.
OP, did she happen to go through a period of life where she over sexualized herself? If so, being with you may make her feel safe enough to actually perform the way she feels most comfortable and safe instead of putting her own feelings aside to validate her partner (only saying this because that was my situation).
What was the context surrounding how you found out? Did she tell you? What were the circumstances? Was it years ago?
Personally, I think it’s a bit silly to leave a relationship because your otherwise spectacular girlfriend is too vanilla and/ or has been freakier with past men. You say that you are fulfilled, sexually as well.
“she recently started to blackmail me : « I would do that only if we marry ».” – I’m not sure this counts as blackmail. In the end, you have a say on if you marry her or not. I doubt you would force yourself (or allow someone to force you) to marry her just so you could get a little more adventurous in the bedroom.
I guess I’m just left with questions. I think this is a confidence issue on your part and less of a lack of effort on her part.
The real question is, do you love her (and vice versa).
That’s not what blackmail is lol.
What exactly are you hoping to try?
How vanilla is it really?
Hard to say if you or her are being unreasonable without this info..
She can always say no… But boring sex is also a valid reason to break up…