I have had a few moments where I was being disrespected. One moment it was the guy’s entire goal to get me angry. He kept “playfully” putting his hands on me while we were out at a club and then threatened to take me to an alleyway and fight me. We leave the club I get back into our car (group of 5 people) and he continues putting his hands on me and takes away my bag and threatens to stab me with my epipen. This is where I got angry and said “that is not happening” and yanked it back. He then said “hahahaha I love making people angry.” And the ride was kinda quiet the rest of the night.
I cut him off after that night but this and another altercation where some dude tackled me for pissing on a tree at a party, I can’t stop thinking about how I didn’t do anything. I just froze. I should have shoved the guy putting his hands on me and called the cops on the guy who tackled me, but I didn’t. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy here. I want to know how to stop thinking about this shit and move on with my life because it’s affecting my well being.
It was embarrassing and I feel like a failure for not enforcing my boundaries.
Thanks
21 comments
Here’s an original copy of /u/Key-Structure4841’s post (if available):
I have had a few moments where I was being disrespected. One moment it was the guy’s entire goal to get me angry. He kept “playfully” putting his hands on me while we were out at a club and then threatened to take me to an alleyway and fight me. We leave the club I get back into our car (group of 5 people) and he continues putting his hands on me and takes away my bag and threatens to stab me with my epipen. This is where I got angry and said “that is not happening” and yanked it back. He then said “hahahaha I love making people angry.” And the ride was kinda quiet the rest of the night.
I cut him off after that night but this and another altercation where some dude tackled me for pissing on a tree at a party, I can’t stop thinking about how I didn’t do anything. I just froze. I should have shoved the guy putting his hands on me and called the cops on the guy who tackled me, but I didn’t. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy here. I want to know how to stop thinking about this shit and move on with my life because it’s affecting my well being.
Thanks
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenOver30) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I can tell you this:
Dude in the first story, 100% “won”. Because if his main goal was to piss you off….and here you are, years (?) later, still thinking about it, still mad, on reddit venting about it….he totally “won”. That was his goal. I guarantee he doesn’t think about that situation or you, at all.
I don’t say these things to knock you down man, but you gotta let it go. Living and tormenting yourself with “woulda, coulda, shoulda” situations is such a waste of time. You can’t change or take back what you did or didn’t do. What you CAN do, is make sure it doesn’t happen again.
I recommended therapy since this seems to just be the tip of an iceberg.
Maybe learn jujutsu/jiu jitsu and a little boxing. Jujutsu would be better because you just don’t want people to mess with you so it lets you redirect their energy.
It’s easy to stop.
Just stop.
You are in control of your mind. You don’t need to think about it.
We all do it. When you start it, realise you’re doing it, and just stop. Think about something else.
End of. Otherwise, you are not in control of your mind. Stop it. End of.
The thing about rumination is that it feels great. So does anger, so does shouting. But it puts you in a negative state. So stop it. If you do it and don’t realise, that’s fine. Even if you’ve been at it for an hour before your realise, just stop then. Don’t feel bad that you’ve done it. Just stop.
In a few days you’ll fall out of the habit, but you need to actively stop yourself from doing it.
I had a neighbor like this and I tend to fume over their Bs occasionally even though they’ve moved out of the neighborhood.
You need to stop thinking of them as reasonable people and just tell yourself they treat everyone like this and move on.
Obviously in my case if I could have went back o should’ve just called the police and animal control instead of trying to take the high road and not call the police on a next door neighbor.
It’s hard to not be hard on ourselves. I ruminate like this too but we only hurt ourselves. The thing is already gone.
You may want to work on self-confidence issues. I find that helps me with this problem.
The rumination is a symptom of not having other things going on in life.
To fix this mental illness, fill your life with more meaningful things.
For some people it’s a lifelong process, learning not to accept disrespect, learning how and when to shut down bullshit. Especially for people who are genuinely kind to others, sometimes people will decide to fuck with you because you don’t stand up for yourself. I’m one of those people so I can understand where you’re coming from. I’m in my forties now, I’m still a nice person but I’ve developed a little tougher skin and it’s been a long time since anyone has fucked with me like that. You just have to learn to identify assholes quickly and shut that shit down before it gets under your skin.
literally every man has this problem, we all have at least one moment where we felt like a pussy for not reacting in the moment in the way we later wished we did, you genuinely just have to just forget about it and not let it bother you, there’s no undoing it, no point thinking about it too much
It’s easier said than done, but you have to let these things go. Cut them off and move on. Distance yourself from toxic people.
A technique to help let it go is to write yourself a letter. The self that experienced these events and explain to them that it’s ok you don’t have to exist in the front of mind anymore because you got this.
Discuss how you would handle similar scenarios in the future if they arise, in a way that satisfies what’s bugging you about how you actually handled the situations you think about. How you would set and enforce boundaries so that you feel safe and dignified.
Basically you’re coming up with plans and telling your brain that you don’t need to worry about it anymore.
I think coming here and asking for advice has been a good step. Hey also use an AI chat bot (chat gpt) to bounce ideas. I used it a while back to help me process some stuff and I found it really helpful. Just need to be a bit careful as it’s not a real human can can give dud adviceinfo so pays to look at some pages too to verify things that you’re not sure about.
There’s a Zen parable:
A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side.
The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.
Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his journey.
The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them.
Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”
The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?”
Luckily, those types of situations will likely stop when you grow out of the party scene.
Take advice from Elsa.
“Let it go, let it go….the past is in the past”
It feels like a general advice but don’t forget it remember it as a option of rage fuel that what I call it the moments of disrespect are what i collect for someother use its not a good advice I would say as you slowly need to let it go but the one thing I have learnt in life what works for you works for you and no explanation is ever needed of how the work was done if its done so that what I would say
A story of mine is i was a transfer student and kinda good at everything than the rest for the start so the previous start student got jealous and with his gang (i was new i didn’t know shit about the hierarchy there) empty whole bottle on me in class I remember I was enraged but i couldn’t do shit and i channel my thought how pathetic someone has to be to one up a person i relaxed and styled my hair folded my sleeves and just remember it and that night I planned how to deal if something like this happen but i will not forget the incident i befriend him and got on with life the karma kinda got him on his results but now I didn’t care about revenge on him but just the rage energy that I saved on a pointless time of action and can live with that satisfaction
I am new on reddit so I don’t know if this will help someone but if you liked it do upvote thanks
Track him down and settle the score if you’re still hacked about it. If he complains, tell him to wait a few years and see if he’s still pissed about it, if he’s in a state to have a conversation.
Honestly OP, if you’re looking for legitimate methods of moving past this, I’d check out the women’s sub.
The ladies have been dealing with this for their entire lives. Unwanted attention, baiting, catcalls, physical touch, sexual aggression, provocation, etc., ad infinitum, as nauseam.
I’m not making less of your situation. I’m saying ask them. How do they get by in life and let these things go without going crazy, when this stuff happens to them all the time?
I get you man
I’m kinda the same, I’ll have moments where I look back and hate that I didn’t do anything, I’ll even talk to my friends that have been in fights and have that “gusto” behind them when I feel like a pussy. They reassure me and say “it’s better to not just start fights like monkeys” which is right, but makes me feel weak.
I can suggest (because I’m doing the same) learn a martial art, I’m doing Muay Thai. So later in life (if it ever happens) you know that you can do something in confidence, even tho at that point you probs won’t want to
It can work for me saying to myself: “This is not happening now…” and then try and focus on what is happening now.
The body thinks it is happening now when you think about it… so that is very stressful.
It sounds like you feel insecure and threatened by these men. These men were able to dominate you and its fucking with your head because there is nothing you could really do about it.
Its the adult version of your brother pinning you down and putting his knees on your arms and slapping your face saying ‘what are you going to do about it you little baby’.
It’s not about disrespect, its about your ego and feelings of being a man. Not something Reddit can talk you through as there are likely deeper reasons why this still bothers you so much. No one likes to be made a fool of or made to feel weak, but holding onto it for years and years says there is something a lot deeper going on…just to give you a hint, its something in your childhood.