Hey y’all, I’m posting about this problem because it’s been bugging me, but I feel like maybe there are different perspectives out there that could help me see this from a different POV.
The title is the main situation, but I will provide a bit more context. My bf and I are long distance, and we don’t get to call very often because of the time and schedule differences. When we do call, he often multitasks (scrolling on his phone, playing games, texting someone else, etc.) and only half listens to what I talk about. It’s the same with facetime; we call and I look at him while we talk, and I only see his eyes following his screen and his finger scrolling like 90% of the ft call. I felt hurt by it because he did not seem that interested in listening or even talking to me in the hour (if not less than) phone calls that we had.
After realizing that it had become a pattern for him, I gave him a heads up and told him “Hey, I would really appreciate it if I could have your undivided attention for the little time that we spend together. We don’t get to call/ft much, and I would like for us to feel more present when we do.”
His reply was “I am present. I’m listening to you, and I respond when I can. Whenever we ft, I always have you on the side of my screen, and I watch you.”
I said “It doesn’t really feel like you’re paying much attention to me when half the things I say are dismissed or you don’t respond much to them. It feels like I see your thumb scrolling more than I see your face. I don’t feel like it’s a huge ask for you to give me your undivided attention for an hour since I give you mine?”
To that he said, “But I do give you my undivided attention. I might be scrolling or doing stuff on my phone, but I’m still listening to you. And honestly, I don’t know what you could want my full undivided attention for, I just don’t have much to say back, and I just don’t get why you need me to drop everything I’m doing to talk to you. Also, I’m pissed off by the fact that you can’t play games and talk at the same time, but you don’t see me getting upset do you? When you couldn’t give me your full attention then, why do you ask me for this now?”
I told him “You told me you were okay with that, so I’m not sure why you’re bringing up the fact that you’ve actually been angry at me because of it. I’m not asking you for when we play games, I’m asking you to make me feel like you’re actually interested in what I have to say and that you actually like talking to me when we do call.”
He said, “If I wasn’t interested in calling or talking to you or listening, I would’ve just ended the call.”
After that, I kinda shut down. I can’t tell if I was wrong for how I approached it, if I was wrong for bringing it up at all, or something else. I had a concern, so I brought it up to him to talk it out (at least, that’s what I thought I did, but please tell me, I’d like to be made aware) I either finish or drop everything I’m doing just to stay flexible for him so we can call at his convenience (and so I can give him my full attention for the times we schedule), but I feel like I’m not getting the same kind of effort/attentiveness than I’m putting out for him. It also feels like he was shitting on me for something that is somewhat out of my control, but is something I do my best to manage / work around to make him feel taken care of.
I feel like shit because of the comment, but I don’t know if I should feel this way. Is there a different way I can look at this situation? Am I being too needy or selfish? Am I being unfair?
(I’m not diagnosed, but I’m planning to. I have a reasonable suspicion that I have some sort of attention deficit disorder, I’ve always had a problem with losing track of time and multitasking. I often have to finish one task first before I start another to get it fully done, or I task switch and everything gets done slower. With the video games thing, it applies to almost anything that involves multitasking; I’ve let my employers know and my bf know that I’m not very good at it, and that I prefer to get one thing done at a time. My bf used to say he was okay with it, but I find him bringing it up now when I had a problem with a pattern of his unsavory.)
6 comments
This “relationship” (not even sure if it qualifies) sounds incredibly unfulfilling for you.
maybe this is mean on my part but i just genuinely don’t understand. how does this even count as dating if you very rarely talk and when you do he “doesn’t have much to say”?
I don’t understand what your need to focus on one thing at a time has to do with him multitasking on a phone call.
I also don’t get this “he’s my boyfriend” thing where you don’t see each other and rarely talk. I don’t see the point. It’s certainly not dating but whatever.
If you two are having a ten minute phone/video call once or twice a week and he can’t or won’t focus on you and stop the other things he’s doing, he’s being rude. It’s not that hard to focus and interact about what’s been going on over the week, blah blah.
If on the other hand, you’re expecting these calls to be hour+ long hang outs where you just blab along and he’s supposed to smile and nod then sure—I can see why he’d multitask. I do that when my mom calls. She’s not going to ask anything about me, she’s just going to tell me about a bunch of shit I don’t care about and take up time I’d rather be doing something else so I just say the appropriate things and let her get it out of her system. I don’t do it on video though. I don’t do anything but work on video.
Anyway…you might have better luck dating in person where you’re actually DOING something together.
You should look at this situation in another way, but not in the one you think. Why on Earth would you be with a person with whom you can barely interact, and that spends the little time you share scrolling on his phone, playing games or texting someone else at the same time?
His attention IS divided, because he’s paying it to two things at a time. If anything, he doesn’t pay attention to you. That’s why he doesn’t respond properly or dismisses your comments.
Girl, I don’t know you, but just the fact that you give your partner your full attention tells me that you deserve the same thing back. Have some self-respect and dump this prick. You are worth more than that.
This really sounds like a repost. Either way this is a crappy faux relationship
I have ADHD. You either have my eyes or have my ears.
But I think this relationship is of poor quality. Not worth the stress.