I want friends. But unfortunately, I’m not made for having friends. Everyone, and I mean every single one, everyone who I’ve tried to make a friendship with has been made uncomfortable by me, and I’ve been a burden to them. I’m not exaggerating when I say every friend has directly told me that. How can I stop having a desire to have friends?
20 comments
Oh wow. Do they specify what it is the makes them uncomfortable?
make acquaintences and don’t expect them to become friends
what exactly did they say when they expressed that you’re a burden or they feel uncomfortable? i find it hard to believe that EVERY friend you’ve ever had has said that. your post history suggests you have a lot to unpack and you should seek counseling. it’ll be way easier for a professional to go through your history and tackle things from the root
The desire for friends and connection is just kind of a human thing, I don’t think you can get rid of it entirely. To help, you could start spending more time and energy on hobbies, learning new things, volunteering, going to community events, etc. These are all things you can do alone, so even if the desire is still there, at least you’ll be able to enjoy your own company and it won’t feel like such a void.
go see a psychologist
That’s sad OP. But from my own personal experience, yes, it’s possible. Get treated like dirt by enough so called friends and you can’t really take anyone else seriously beyond false platitudes and good manners.
To stop desiring having friends By becoming the best possible friend anyone can ever ask for will cease your desire to have friends; I’ve been at the end already, every end talking behind your back and kick you out of the friend group for some incredulous reason(or because of girls).
Context matters how exactly did you make them uncomfortable? Did you cross a boundary, or is it just a personality mismatch?What makes you feel like a burden?
Did they say something, or is it how you’re interpreting their reactions?
I think temporarily
Yes.
Keep trying, always meet new people amd practice becoming a good friend
Become your own best friend first. Make your life one where you want to live. Others will come. Remember that seeds take a while to grow, longer to sprout, and ages to blossom. The work is SO worth it.
Have you considered changing your behaviour?
no clue. i dont have friends either and havent for 10 years, although ive only been told im great ro interact with. hoping i can lose the desire soon asap aswell.
What in the world is that profile my guy, i clicked in because i got your r/dating post in my feed too, and especially because its literally the same wording and i got suspicious of ai, i did not expect hovewer a combination between horny, emo and jaded “am i wrong???” posts, i am sorry to make “fun” of your profile but when your post history is like *that*…
E: huh, thats the first time ive been snapped at by a comment on reddit, i apologize op, i was merely scrolling, bored, trough reddit and was unaware this was a vurnerable point in your life, ill make any further comment about your profile in silence (he deleted his comment immediatley, but it was still readable in my inbox, ill give him the decency to keep that comment to homself as he seemed to want to)
Wait omg hah the other post of his is gone HA wow
…Sorry!
The reasons can be multiple of why to stop having friends. In your lifetime, you will see the real color of most people and how they generally behave. Your question comes after this, only then you will figure out if it is worth it
Suppression doesn’t solve any problems , it just hides them in the floorboards and they rot till you’re stuck halfway through the floor and your original problem is looming over you again.
I don’t think it is the desire to have friends that is the problem. You admit that you want friends in your first sentence. I think the focus needs to be on the idea of being a burden and that all of your friends have previously called you a burden. Eek!
The thing is, a burden is a responsibility that you have, that you don’t want to have. Caring for an infant when this is your responsibility (and this is the responsibility of parents) is the classic example of a burden if a parent doesn’t want that responsibility. However this responsibility to fully support someone else does not exist in friendships. In friendship, we get to pick and choose how we show up for our friends.
The short of it is, you might be contributing to the problem, but I don’t think you *are* the problem.
In this circumstance, I view it as your friends’ responsibility to set boundaries and be communicative to not take on more responsibility than they’d like in your friendship. If you say, “I need help moving on Saturday.” They don’t have to say “Yes.” This is where people pleasing is so rough, because when friendship becomes a responsibility or obligation rather than something we want to engage in, then friendships don’t last. That is when we become a burden. But we can’t mind read if our friends will say “Yes” or “No” to our asks. Friendships won’t deepen if we never “impose” or share what really matters to us in our lives. Ultimately, we want friends who will show up but who won’t offer more than they are willing to give.
Now your responsibility is not pushing those boundaries. If you need help moving and they can’t help you, then you need to ask someone else or hire movers rather than piling on them.
People are so shy of conflict that they won’t communicate when something is too much; they’ll over extend and then be resentful. Ideally, we want to talk with our friends about capacity and be respectful of each other’s capacity.
My friends will tell me “I’m done for the day.” and I respect that. I create space for us to have this conversation and for them to communicate that. I will ask them. “How are you feeling?” “Are you done for the day?” “Are you hungry?” Not obsessively, but if there is any body language that might indicate that. And I accept what they tell me full stop because I care about them and I want them to feel good in their bodies and be cared for, because this is when it is fun to be friends. To me, this is what friends do, we want to build each other up.
Ultimately, you want your friends to communicate with you before you are imposing or even once you have imposed, so that you can be responsive to what they want and need in that moment. Their capacity is going to change from day to day. You might think that they don’t have time to road trip with you to the state over to clear out your parents house, and then they end up being excited to do so. That day, they have capacity. At other times, they won’t.
The other piece that I think has really supported my friends being friends with me is that they know they aren’t my only friend. They know that if they aren’t available, someone else is. I don’t put any of my friends in the position of being the only one to help me. I never make them feel like something bad will happen to me if they don’t show up. One of my friends early on told me, “I am happy to listen to anything you care to share, but I can’t do that for you unless you also have a therapist.” She cannot be my therapist, and that is legit. She is not a therapist.
I think it will be helpful for you to clarify what friendship means to you and how you might be able to show up differently or if the past reflects a lack of boundaries or communication from your friends. Also, if you are starting from no friends, being thoughtful about how you show up in those relationships so that there isn’t excessive pressure on those folks as you build up your community can be important.
Try asceticism although I doubt this will be enough motivation for you to really live that lifestyle
Just say they are a waste of money, because it is and they are!