I don't know how to be the lead in a conversation. I can't come up with topics, or it feels awkward to randomly bring up something completely unrelated to the current conversation, like it's a "phrase from Google." I don't know how to talk to people.. but I'm really good at being the second in a conversation. I can comment, support the person, because I'm an INFJ, an empath, and pretty intuitive. I know how to stretch a dialogue, reply in detail, pay attention to every little thing, and focus on every emotion.
But I'd really like to be self-sufficient and be able to start a conversation on my own.
I work from home and have no friends (I don't really need any, I'm talking more about a potential romantic partner). So there's not much going on in my life and nothing to tell. But conversation isn't built only on that, right? I do have interests, and of course I can talk about them, but sometimes the dialogue hits a dead end and I literally don't know what to write or say. It really pressures me and drains my energy.
Has anyone else had this experience and how did you improve yourself in this area?
2 comments
Conversation leading comes from who you are and your relationship with yourself.
If you’re grasping for others, for approval, for care of others, for a satisfying laugh to a joke you say, you’re in a relationship with the eyes and image others have of you.
Focus more on your own life, create the focus of your life to be about how you are and feel, let go of the grasping for approval, for attention, for company of others and through the enjoyment of time with yourself you’ll form a strong bond and identity with who you are.
Then the stronger this relationship you have with you, the more you can express it around others (not for approval but for the sake of experiencing who they are) and thus can be a conversation lead because now you know who you are and you come with an aura of love, understanding and depth.
That’s how you also public speak and retain the audience interest.
Starting a conversation (or anything, really) is inherently risky. It can turn out awkward, sure, but it might also go really well (if it even ends up notable at all.) That’s just how it goes.
Likewise, there’s no one formula to start a conversation… I guess throw out a question or prompt that you would have liked to build on. Give a compliment, ask for an opinion, tell a joke. But be prepared to carry the conversation for the first 3-4 sentences (if they’re not interested, don’t push it)
For example, I might say “Your jacket is really nice!” then also prepare a several hooks. Like “I’ve been looking for a nice winter jacket that isn’t bulky that I can use when ice skating. Where did you get it?” That way they can also comment on their likes/dislikes on jackets, ice skating and other winter activities, or where they found it.
You also don’t have to be an authority on the topic you’re introducing. And I don’t mean that in any kind of anti-intellectualism bullcrap, it does not mean you can pretend to be an authority or professional in a field that you are not qualified in. But you can, for example, reference something you heard from someone else.
I’m not a particularly opinionated person, but I can guess when someone I know might have a bone to pick. So I might spring up a conversation about how my friend (as conversational shorthand, I’ll use the word “friend” quite loosely) suggested Rose and Lychee flavor as a decent Peach substitute (because I’m allergic to peaches). They they might talk about baking and where one finds rose or lychee flavoring, or they might make fun of me for being allergic to peaches (this, usually). There’s no concrete formula because conversations are just ad libbing in real time.