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28 comments
Please talk sense to me:
My dating dilemma today is that I have had 4 (maybe 5) dates that I would like to see again (for 2nd dates), plus I am working a ton, fixing up my house, trying really hard to see friends. So at my max.
The men seem interested and we’ve been texting often. But no one has asked to set a 2nd date. A few of my friends have said to let them set the pace, to not initiate plans this round (not in a gendered way, just like so I know they’re interested. I have a history of over-compensating and trying to carry everything). But if I do that, I feel like within a few days, I’d have to schedule anyone who asks 2-3 weeks out. And I feel like that could come across as disinterest.
If I could get everything on the books, I could relax into my next few weeks and enjoy this. I didn’t expect to get on with all the dates, and I didn’t expect work busyness either. The quick coffee first dates are easier to work in.
I know I could just pick 1-2 dates, but all the guys have some shared interests and are also open to friendship/activities, which I want to build as well.
It’s dumb to want them to initiate, right? Bad dating advice? Or is it dumb and controlling to make everything scheduled and should I just sit back and be available when I’m available?
Thank you for reading, not sure why this is stressing me so much.
Going to bring up the topic about future plans/relationship type/kids etc. tonight with a date of mine. Seen each other a few times.
How and at what point of the date do you bring that up without being too forward/awkward? I’m visualizing myself doing it and I’m probably going to make it sound like an interrogation
Let me just say it’s refreshing when a guy goes after a few texts back and forth with a ‘let’s go on a date’
Yes, finally, I’m tired of pen pals. I’m not a fan of small talk either – I’ll do it, but no thank you.
Guy prior vanished from the face of the earth when I mentioned when i was free after he wanted to meet up. Lol
34F. I work so hard on my image, my health and am a great time to be with. Unfortunately I’m a late bloomer in life, just graduated and in a low paying job, in a grad program, not great relationship with my family – I come from a broken home, and I’m just having a hard time having steady dating with someone I really like and makes me want to be a better person. The last two guys I dated, I really liked and I focused on one at a time only to find out that I’m not their person and I was crushed when they cut it off after 1-2 months.
Now I am spacing out the dates with men, and decided to not see them more than 1x a week to avoid emotionally attaching or over compensating emotionally too early – as well to dating multiple men. The only reason I’d stop seeing a man is bc I’ve decided he’s not a possibility for long term / marriage for me. My friends tell me I have a lot of success with online dating.. but I feel like great dates consistency and good quality doesn’t necessarily mean success. I’m still single and overall yearn for companionship love cuddles and being wanted by someone I care for trust n vice versa. I’m just getting tired of swiping and first dates.
I lost someone really important to me. It’s so rare I meet someone who makes me feel lucky being with them, and I can’t believe I fucked it all up. He was who I was looking for for a long time.
Struggling a little internally. After starting to develop feelings for someone, I tend to feel like I need to chase them harder to show them I’m worth being with. This is the first time I’ve recognised it, and don’t think it’s being externalised at all, but I feel it there. Anyone else do that?
How do you ask someone to kindly slow it down a bit? I think part of the reason I am feeling overwhelmed right now is that it’s too much. I don’t want good morning texts every day (especially not two of them, why were there two today?!?) and I also don’t want people planning for things months out when we are in the very early phase of getting to know each other. I know some people want these things, but not me! And I struggle to communicate that kindly without making them feel like I’m not attracted to them.
Another week, another “omg you’re going to hate me, I actually live 1.5 hours away…” match. At least this one happened while planning instead of on the actual date 🙄
Two meh back to back first dates this week. One just didn’t have the attraction there despite lots of shared hobbies/interests & the other didn’t ask me a single question the whole night besides “what about you?”. Eventually I just started interjecting my own stories because it felt like a borderline interrogation. These meh dates actually bum me out worse than one that bombs- idk if that makes sense to anyone else lol.
Hoping for the best with my last/other match though, two dates in and feels like we broke the barrier where we’re talking more casually & have had some light bantering. Seems like we’ve both expressed mutual excitement and interest while not going overboard, which is always tricky during a slow burn. I think it’d feel weird to unpause Hinge and look for more matches at this point because I like her, so I’ll just let this one play out I suppose- wish me luck!
Things were going well…consistenct, wasn’t dismissive around my overthinking etc, good communicator, showed interest..bare minimum really but we all know how hard to find this.
Now I am on high alert, he is the 3rd man in 5 years I am with that suddenly lost his job or came into some kind of financial hard ship. And while no direct request came , he mentioned he needs to find someone to borrow money from and his rent is due etc. this is the 3rd man Im seeing to have this happen to. Feel like I’m paying some kind of Karmic debt at this point that I keep attracting this. I am not focused on money, pay Ur bills and let us grow towards living together or marriage. But I was used before for a place to stay and for money and now I am on high alert and scared same will happen.
Only been together since January it is not my duty to help a man financially , we are not married. Guess I can just keep observing things and make a decision , do I stick by a man in a bad place in his life or be cruel and leave cause of my fear of being used.
Since I can’t reply to yesterday’s post, I went with option A when replying to an invitation for a one-on-one hangout from a guy I do trivia with (I said something about liking bowling. He said we should go sometime. I said “yeah, we should get a group together! That would be fun!”) and then I also did D and dropped a casual mention that I’m seeing someone when I saw him at trivia night later (I winced when sitting down, someone asked if I was okay, I said I went climbing yesterday with my boyfriend and I’m super sore – which is true). He hasn’t followed up with me directly so it seems like he understood, and the group vibe was normal during our trivia game.
I’m tripping a bit about date tomorrow night. So the restaurant I picked is the more casual diner version of the michelin starred sister restaurant right next door. She said she had wanted to try the restaurant after I suggested it, but I’m not sure if she meant the diner or the sister restaurant, and I’m worried she’s expecting the latter. They are both highly rated and not cheap, but the diner is obviously more casual and just a normal restaurant. I felt like a michelin starred tasting menu was too much for a first date? Or maybe I should change the reservation and just go all out. Ugh.
Howdy everyone,
New to this group, hope this post is ok.
I’m 43F and my last relationship was 3 years ago. I mean, if you can call it a relationship. I guess it was more a situationship where, even though he effectively moved into my apartment, still somehow found the time to date other women. It was a short stint – a few months, but it was exciting, and all-consuming, and the first time I had ever gone away with a significant other.
It ended horribly and since I’ve had no desire to date.
Year one and two after, I had a couple of casual flings, but really didn’t have any interest in pursuing a relationship.
As time goes on and I am further away from that relationship, I have absolutely no desire to date or to be in a partnership.
I love my life and I have never wanted children, but admittedly there are lonely nights – I guess just not lonely enough to want to pursue anyone or subject myself to dating again.
I’m curious if anyone else has experienced this?
I delivered two presentations this week and nailed them. I am away on a research fellowship. Honestly, I just wish someone I loved and who loved me back could witness it. And maybe even give me a hug, lol. It’s strange how, after the pressure lifts, those other feelings you didn’t have space for—like loneliness—begin rushing to the surface.
I have this bad habit of getting intense really fast with people. Working on it! It’s nice to meet people with sincere intentions, yet I really miss feeling playful and joyful. It takes a special kind of vulnerability to tell someone I wanna play with them, like, I wanna dance with you, do you wanna dance with me?
Yeah the plans I had for joining a friends band fell through due to money problems. Seriously a bummer but it’s okay. Maybe it’s the universe telling me that it wasn’t the right path to take as I’m still trying to hyper focus on cleaning up my credit report and getting my own apartment next year.
Had a talk with the woman[36F] and she helped put things into perspective. I was hesitant to mention to her what’s going on but she was accepting and I appreciated that a lot. Idk why I’m weird about that stuff 😂 just don’t want to treat her like my therapist lol
Rant.
Caught up with a friend I haven’t seen in a long time.
She brought up in a conversation, during a group setting, that she saw me on a dating app (I saw as well but swiped left).
Then she proceeded to brozone me in front of said group talking about how I”m like a brother to her and she could never date me.
I’m like thinking to myself, “Bro, you’re not even my type. I may be single but I was never gonna shoot my shot.”
The absolute audacity. How you gonna verbally and implicitly reject me in front of people when I wasn’t even gonna make a move? I’m hella annoyed lol
Starting to think about an exclusivity (but not DTR) conversation with someone – the last time I did this (last fall) I was TERRIFIED of doing it. This time, I feel so at ease and excited, we’re so in sync and I feel like it will be quick and easy.
Question
Those who hired a matchmaker, why? What led you to making that decision? How did you find out about it? Did it work out? I want to hear all the stories.
Had been chatting with someone the last week, asked her out to see if she was free this weekend. No response, always frustrating.
Been struggling with self-esteem after a months-long connection that fizzled into ghosting/fading and ultimately her not reciprocating feelings. I know that we can’t base our self-worth on rejection from someone else but it’s been feeling easier said than done.
Had a nice W for my confidence yesterday – on Monday I was asked to sub a gig next week in a 90s alt-rock originals band, I learned eight of the songs in 1.5 days, nailed them at rehearsal and learned the other four on the spot. It’s rock so like… there are only so many chords, and it isn’t too complex, but it felt really good to show up and just know I was going to do well.
What was your breaking point and how long were you away from the apps? Ready to do the big delete and kill my last remaining app. First time actually dating in my adulthood = 8 months meeting 15 people, 3 mini heart breaks, one short term relationship, lots of fun but much more frustration. I’m exhausted. Ready for a break but will probably restart when I’m ready.
Im so so tired of getting my hopes up. I am so tired of just constant disappointment.
How did you end things with someone you genuinely liked because you knew that things continuing the same would not be good
Politely, respectfully, is there a whole other world where people over 30 use Snapchat regularly? Or is it just for younger people and cheaters?
Even though I do watch some content on social media that’s dating advice/discussing dating struggles, I do think a lot of this content can be toxic and instill really unhealthy standards about what people “need” to do/be in order to attract the opposite sex and get into a relationship. I’m mostly speaking about content aimed towards women because that’s what I consume (although of course there’s plenty of toxic content in this space aimed at men, especially pickup artist/manosphere/redpill dating advice): I just don’t like how much of this content is telling women that they need to lose weight, always be dressed to the nines, and always have a face full of makeup in order to find love. I watched a video where a female dating coach told a woman who didn’t look overweight and had lost 20 pounds to lose 15 more pounds! If you were to judge reality based on these types of videos, you’d assume that no woman who isn’t extremely fit, stylish and conventionally attractive can find a partner or get married. Meanwhile, if you go out and about in your daily life, plenty of people who don’t have perfect bodies or who usually wear T-shirts and jeans are in relationships. I’m someone who doesn’t wear makeup (except lipstick sometimes) and, although I wear nice tops and occasionally dressier clothing such as jumpsuits, I’m not going to wear a dress and heels every time I step foot outside of the house, nor do I feel that I should “have” to to potentially meet someone. It just sucks that some people really think you have to be “perfect” in order to deserve, or even have a remote chance, at love.
Then there’s the advice people give that if you keep attracting the wrong partners or can’t find anyone, you should to “heal” before getting into a relationship. While I agree that many people do need to reflect and do some inner work, I don’t think you need to be completely healed before you “deserve” to have a healthy relationship: after all, healing is a lifelong process.
How fast is too fast? A guy asked for my number, then texted me three times within an hour and a half after we parted and by the time I got home. In the texts, he asked if I was free the next afternoon. I told him I’d rather just text for now and he agreed, but today he’s asking to call on the phone tonight. Is this quick or totally normal?
You know those people who ghost and slow fade? They took the cowards way out and aren’t worth your time ❤️
PLEASE wish me well. I’ve gone on two dates with a guy, scheduled the third, and I like him so much. Everything about him is interesting or fun or aligned with me or I vibe with. He’s handsome and motivated and successful and caring and kind. I want to fall so hard for him so hopefully it’s reciprocal.