I need honest outside perspective because I feel really lost and honestly ashamed.

I’m in my late 20s and married. My husband is a good person kind, silly, and we get along well day to day. I do love him. He’s very quiet and not very talkative, while I’m very extroverted, and lately I’ve been feeling a lack of emotional depth in our relationship. We rarely have deep conversations anymore, and I think stress, routine, and everything we’ve been through has created distance between us.

Another important part of this is that we’ve been married for almost a couple of years, but my husband has never told his family or friends that we are married not even his parents. That has been quietly painful for me and has contributed to feeling like something is missing or not fully acknowledged in our relationship.

Since around October, I’ve been talking on and off with a guy I dated before my husband. I’ve always known his patterns he’s inconsistent and low effort but I still kept engaging.

This past weekend I saw him. Nothing went very far we just watched a movie and kissed—but I regret it. In the moment I actually felt turned off. There was no real connection, and he mostly seemed interested in something physical without effort or depth.

What confuses me is that even though the real experience wasn’t good, I can’t stop thinking about it. I find myself fantasizing about seeing him again, even though I know logically he’s not good for me. He barely texts after almost 24 hours he just replied to one of my Instagram stories about my dog.

I think part of what I’m reacting to is that the conversation with him feels easier and more engaging than what I currently have in my marriage, and that scares me because I don’t want to lose sight of what really matters to me.

I feel a lot of guilt. I love my husband, and this doesn’t align with the person I want to be. I regret putting myself in this situation.

I guess I’m asking: has anyone experienced emotional confusion like this—being pulled toward someone who isn’t actually right for you, while also feeling disconnected in your marriage? And how do you start sorting out what is real need vs. fantasy vs. emotional gap?


18 comments

  3. Every other normal person goes through this. No need to feel guilty about it. Have a open talk with your husband about your expectations and emotional void

  4. Yes. Many times. I’ve experienced this before multiple times. Thrice in my time. 

    It always came down to burn out and unmet needs for me. I was getting too stressed and busy and going through life as opposed to being an active participant and then of course I’d day dream about my prince who was gonna sweep me off my feet- and then I’d text his emotionally unavailable ass and kind of remember that he’s just a dude and not my husband and I’d feel guilty but couldn’t make myself stop. 
    I finally told my therapist and she was like “yeah, this honestly happens often. It’s limerence, really, it’s day dreaming to escape reality because your reality isn’t enough. You have unmet needs” and she told me to write them down, everything I want, write it down. And I did. And that helped me understand myself better and I was better able to communicate to my husband what I needed from him. We stated surprise date nights we’d alternate planning monthly (total surprise to the other person every time), bought some board games, no phones at dinner, weekly check ins, using the wheel of emotions. 
    My therapist also mentioned burn out. Too much work, not enough relax time. So I tried to fix that as well. Also, taking vitamin D in the winter helped a lot. 

    But yes. Crushes are pretty normal and happen to many people- if not almost everyone but they might not want to admit it. The important part of course is not taking the crush past just a little crush in your head. The only way you can do that really is by dating your partner again. And of course, having relaxation time to fight burn out. 
    And you need to have your needs met. And that will likely require therapy for both of you and potentially couples therapy too. Not always, bc there are so many resources online, but you might. Find what needs aren’t being met and try to understand how you can help him meet them and how you can communicate to him that these needs need to be met. 

    In my personal opinion, you don’t need to disclose the emotional cheating as long as you promise to yourself that you will stop and will dive headfirst into your existing relationship. Build a better marriage out of this. It is possible.
    You want to feel seen, loved, swept off your feet, wanted, lusted after, desired, understood. 
    You can establish all of that with your husband. You have to communicate that that is a need, make sure both of you are prioritizing time for that like it is your JOB, understand each others love languages and attachment styles, use that as a jumping off point for more learning and therapy and healing. 

    It feels easier and more engaging because there is no weight. No promise of a future, no requirement to be a good partner. No fights if you don’t do the dishes. No worries about having a publically known relationship with them. 
    That’s why is feels easier. Because it is a secret with 0 expectations. That’s NOT a relationship. It feels easier to fart in private too. That’s why cheating ALWAYS feels “exciting” and “easy” is because it’s not a real relationship. And if or when it becomes one, almost all couples break up. The only reason they ever got together at all was that one or more of them was avoiding honesty, participation, and vulnerability at home. GUESS WHAT: those traits don’t be fixed by being with someone else. You have to fix that now where you are at home. 

  5. This isn’t emotional confusion this is an emotional affair and you are cheating on your husband. What you are feeling is guilt because he may have his quirks but you know what you’re doing is wrong and if you put the energy you are putting into this guy into your husband you probably wouldn’t be having any issues but yeah this isn’t going to be fun and you should make a decision now before it gets even more messy because if he doesn’t suspect he will men aren’t stupid and cheaters never think they’ll get caught.

    Edit: forgot to mention don’t wait on him to announce yall are married thats weird he hasn’t told anyone and you should really be vocal about that. I’m not saying you wouldn’t have any issues in your marriage obviously there would be issues that led you down this path to begin with. You need to self reflect on what you want in a partner and possibly get some counseling good luck.

  6. Read Laura Doyle the empowered wife – that man you fell in love with is still there

  7. “I think part of what I’m reacting to is that the conversation with him feels easier and more engaging than what I currently have in my marriage, and that scares me because I don’t want to lose sight of what really matters to me.”

    Sweetheart, you’ve already did. Imagine if the roles were reversed, he’d already be divorced. You didn’t mention abuse so it’s just sad to know a good man can get cheated on for being non-emotional at the moment.

  8. You are massively downplaying what you did, and almost sounds like your seeking validation here.

    Nothing, let me repeat NOTHING your husband does or doesnt do validates your choice (yes active choice, not a mistake) to cheat on him, and thats what you did.

    How you proceed will speak to your overall character, you need to tell him immediately and in full detail, he deserves to know whatever the consequences may be.

  9. I’m sure because she’s a woman, she getting more leeway because if this was a man he’d get slaughtered in the comments… she needs to know about her betrayal and acknowledge that.

  10. You should really be more focused on the fact that you cheated on your husband and you’re being unbelievably selfish. You made a commitment that you can get out of if you want to. There is no good excuse for what you did. Even with the obvious issues you laid out, to cheat on him instead of having a conversation about your needs is cruel and immature. Come clean to your husband and then get to work on fixing your issues if he even wants you back. I wouldn’t.

  11. Do you love your husband though? It doesn’t see like you and your husband any sort of talks about your issues, but instead sought out your needs with an ex. It’s a bit too late to ask for advice now the deed is already done. Tell your husband talk to your husband.

    Also is there drama between his family? Is he no contact? What’s the issue there? That’s not exactly normal his parents don’t even know you’re married. I need more info on that part.

  12. Confessing the affair will probably sort out some questions quickly. On the upside, I bet his family will learn all about the marriage.

    More seriously, for your own long term self respect, extricate yourself from your affair and confess to the man you took vows with.

  13. He hasn’t told his friends he’s married? I mean, family you can go no contact but he didn’t tell his current friends? I want to hear more about that.

  14. – I feel a lot of guilt. –

    You should. You cheated. Do your husband a favor and divorce him.

  15. I’m 57 and ive never done this. When I was 19 and not a clue I went to a guy’s room in the hostel where I lived and slept with a idiot who had a gf (who yes felt me up in a swimming pool i was in with my friends and he had a gf and didnt care) and she knocked on my door. Talked to a guy once when out escaping my controlling ex Iranian husband nothing happened. Also talked to guys on a dating app when with a young guy who did the same so I just showed him how harmful it is what he was doing. I’m not perfect but it sounds like you need to be single. You need to seriously grow up as people are going to be hurt. All of what I mentioned happened yrs ago and a few yrs ago and I’m actually a loyal older girl and now with the right man and I would never do this to him and a functioning realtionship is based on trust and your partner isn’t doing this to you is he ? So its confusing how your justifying cheating with a guy who obviously doesn’t care about you and still you go after him. The number one rule never chase a man and I have in the past just before I found the lovely man I’m now with as i forgot and he was old and stupid and dumped me on the second date and confused me and it’s been like that my whole life as im pretty and nice and probably to nice and learned the very hard way. You will learn the hard way unfortunately because your stupid. You will lose your partner and this guy will probably disappear as well as they don’t like women who chase them seriously men do the chasing and that’s the way it’s always been but you modern young woman think your all that and chase hard and end up learning the hard way ….loneliness for the rest of your life and getting older and alone. Me I never will be as i know the rules and when you break the rules you lose 💯. I have gone through suicide at 18 and abused as a kid and run over and a abusive ex husband for 30 yrs and my partner now the same has done prison and a rough past full of abuse and regret. We don’t live together and it works and we are not married and I found him on a dating app and it’s been 2 yrs and life changing for both of us as we are abused and neglected adults and were as kids and is why we appreciate each other and im 9 yrs older but so is his ex he just has a preference for gorgeous crazy older woman like me as I’m rare and kind like he is and understand him and what he needs. Your a little girl playing a dangerous game which will only end in heartbreak. If his family doesn’t know about you maybe he is ashamed so you need to ask him and communicate more or leave and do the right thing as the damage is already done. Woman or men who cheat on their partners should be single as when your single you can’t hurt anyone so figure it out before it’s to late. Older and wiser and honestly glad I’m not you as it’s hard enough been me.

  17. Sounds like you wasn’t able to pair bond with your husband and is now trying to capture the “butterflies” you once felt when getting with someone new. You are craving that dopamine hit your brain releases with new people and your husband is now “boring”. You’re confused on why you feel like this but it’s the reality of the lifestyle you probably lived when you were single. You already cheated on your husband so he deserves to know. You need to give him the choice of whether or not he wants to stay or file for divorce. Cheating comes in different forms and emotional cheating in my opinion is worse than physical. I feel sorry for your husband.

Leave a Reply