This evening, I went out with my wife, two of her friends, and one of our couple friends for dinner. My wife is almost 5 months pregnant with our twin daughters. I am insanely happy in our marriage, and I absolutely adore her with all of my heart.
I'm aware of the fact that she has a group chat with some of her close friends where they maybe share some intimate things in our marriage. She's made jokes about things some of her friends have said.
One of her older friends in particular has made jokes, and has been maybe a little overly playful about me, and I've kind of noticed she wasn't always joking. I caught a bad vibe from her the times I've met her, and she would ask me super candid questions. When I told my wife about things, she said she thought she was just "joking" and thought it was funny. But I was 99% sure she wasn't.
Anyways, at dinner tonight, my wife and the other friend left to go to the bathroom before the food arrived, and the other couple was at the far end of the table and she was sitting to my right on the opposite end.
As soon as they walked away, she touched my arm and said something along the lines of "Hey… I know you and (my wife's name) really have a lot going on right now and that it's a lot. If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm always here to listen and I'll keep it between us".
It wasn't what she said, but the way she said it, and it was very clear what she meant. I work in sales leadership, and read people for a living, and there was no misunderstanding about what she meant and she's made several comments towards me before and that it was a "standing offer".
The point is, I want to address this with my wife. I want to do it the right way. I know she won't be upset with me, but my biggest concern is that she will be dismissive at first and think it wasn't legitimate. She's also only been in the US for about 4 years and moved here from Sweden, and this girl is one of her first friends she has made, and has struggled to make friends a little bit.
I just want to be straight up without hurting her too much. How do I handle this conversation the right way?
37 comments
How do you respond to this lady that make her think talking to you this way is ok?
And just tell your wife everythiing. That’s what I would want, I mean I tell my boyfriend EVERYTHING. A guy flirted wit me? “Omg honey today this guy flirted with me!” blah blah why would you keep it. Just say something
If one of her friends is making you feel uncomfortable, you are fully within your right to say you feel that way and explain your perception of what’s been happening. Your wife should be supportive of you. Even if she thinks things said are not said not *in that way*, she still should be receptive to your feelings and enforce your boundaries and preferences with this friend moving forward.
You just sit her down and tell her an incident occured that made you feel very uncomfortable and you want her in the picture to decide together how to handle it and the person involved from here on. Just be honest to her, she will appreciate you came out with it right away.
Oh and adding in case she is dismissive, emphasise that these are your feelings, she makes you very uncomfortable and if roles were reversed and some guy would make your wife feel like this you would take this very serious as well. You are partners and the others well being should matter the most also when it comes to creepy behaving friends.
How are you responding to these advances? It seems like you aren’t directly rejecting them and that may be necessary. Her behavior isn’t appropriate. I’d set boundaries for yourself
“hey i want to be transparent and let you know x offered to be there if i needed to talk about anything and specifically keep it from you. she makes me uncomfortable and i do not want to be alone with her. I don’t want to be included in any plans she is at and i don’t want her in our home.“
Keep it simple and factual, don’t frame it like an accusation, just tell her exactly what happened and how it made you uncomfortable, and make it clear you’re telling her because you respect the relationship and want boundaries, not because you want drama with her friend.
I think focusing on your discomfort might be more helpful than on the particulars of the incident. I believe you that you had an accurate read of the situation, and I hope your wife does as well. But if she doesn’t, and it may be hard for her to accept that someone she’s trusted would do that, you need to be clear that you’re uncomfortable around this person. You’ve given it multiple shots against your better judgment for the sake of your wife, but this crossed a line for you.
If you don’t wanna be around this friend anymore, you can say you don’t wanna be around this person anymore. Whatever boundaries for you that you need to set, make it about your needs. Bc those deserve to be respected even if she doesn’t think her friend meant it that way or was “joking”.
I do hope that she believes you, or at least is willing to really consider it now.
When this woman came on to you, what did you say to her? Why does she think you would be interested?
Just tell the woman directly that you are not interested and that she needs to stop being sneaky and disrespecting your wife. She is a terrible “friend”.
It probably says a lot about my life that I would have completely failed to see this as a come-on and assumed it was some kind of sincere offer of help, if misplaced.
Yeah so what’s stopping you from telling her “Hey I’m not comfortable with you and your offers of one on one friendship outside my wife.” You don’t have to involve your wife at all. Are you scared of looking like the bad guy?
How close are you with the other couple? They witnessed it, so at least if you bring it up to the predatory friend or your wife there will be others who can vouch for what happened and that you aren’t misreading the situation.
Ultimately, nothing can happen without your consent or you allowing it.
Keep shutting her down (I assume you are? You didn’t really say how you responded to her…) and definitely let your wife know what happened.
Make sure you bring it up when she isn’t stressed or tired and try not to hand off the issue to her.
State what happened. Say the couple saw it happen. Tell her you don’t want to ruin her friendship, just want the behavior to stop and ask if she’d be okay with you messaging the friend directly via text.
The friend with either brush you off and say you’re misreading what she meant, or she’ll double down.
Either way, there will be a text “paper trail” that you can show your wife if she tries to make moves again. 👍
I get this. One of my husband’s friends said something similar to me with obvious intent. We are close with he and his wife and have all vacationed together, been at the hospital right after kids were born, etc.. like legit long-term friends.
I felt conflicted about how to handle it because I enjoy talking to his friend (as a friend) and I didn’t want there to be a rift in our friendships. I also knew he and his wife were going through hard times and this wasn’t his usual character.
I rejected him on my own, but he persisted so I finally just told my husband. He talked to his friend and it made things so awkward for a couple years. Time has passed and we all hang out again.. BUT his friend and I are much more guarded with each other. It’s sad to have lost that vibe but that’s not on me.
Maybe you could begin the conversation with your wife by saying something like “if any of my friends ever said something to you privately that made you feel uncomfortable I hope you know that you could tell me. Right now, I would like to ask the same of you because …”
I would not like a friend like that, better to cut ties
I just want to give props to you OP for being a stand up husband who respects his wife.
If your wife is dismissive, the next time friend makes a comment call her out and make her feel like an idiot when you very clearly tell her “I’m not interested in what you’re trying to offer me and I seem to respect my wife more than you do” or something. Don’t let it slide.
It’s embarrassing to be rejected especially for inappropriate behavior as well as acknowledging that she’s being shitty to her close friend. Especially an in person confrontation. It’s a power move lol.
I promise you’ll never have another problem with her again and it saves your wife from having to deal with this situation herself.
What did the other couple say? What did you say in response to her?
I would get off reddit and just tell your wife the truth “X said Y and I am not comfortable with her anymore. I won’t be socializing with her and she isn’t welcome in my home.”
You’re over complicating this.
Just tell your wife exactly what she said and how you perceived it as a flat out offer to hook up and that there is no misunderstanding about that from your pov. If your wife wants to try to minimize that, that’s on her………..you do you and come clean about that friend’s intentions towards you. If you were my husband, I’d take what you said quite seriously and limit contact with the gf. 66 yo woman here. Nip that in the bud.
Just tell her. So what if shes dismissive at first.
You do it gently and more importantly you do it immediately. You absolutely do not want to be the second person to mention this to your wife. Sadly one of the “stressors” that often prompts those of a cheating mindset to act is a pregnant wife. What I’m saying is that given the timing and how this is being played out this very well could be a test. Either on behalf of your wife or without her knowledge. You need to tell her regardless of what is actually going on though otherwise you just added another worry. A partner that would hide something they “feel” is inappropriate from their pregnant partner. Good luck.
I’d say specify the fact that it makes you uncomfortable. Regardless of if it’s a joke or not a joke, it’s not okay to do that and make you uncomfortable
You can say she said blah and it made me uncomfortable. I know she’s your friend but I don’t want to be around her anymore.
Then you can say (once dismissed) I know she might have good intentions but I’m just not comfortable, ok? I’m sorry. You can still go out and stuff but if she’s there I don’t want to be.
This is called a boundary. I will do x if y. You can’t control her, only you and your reaction.
You’re wife should respect your decision.
You just gotta be honest and state the facts. I had this come up on my last relationship. My ex didn’t believe how bad it was until I showed her texts of the other women offering to show me clothes she was trying on unprompted. They had a women talk and then the other woman finally stoped hitting me up. She glared alot, but not my problem.
This woman is not your wife’s friend, friends do not hit on there friends SO’s this woman is trying to tempt you into cheat on your wife and a full blown a affair. You do very firm with your wife tell her this woman makes you very uncomfortable and you don’t want her in your lives, I know you don’t want her to lose a friend but this woman was never a friend in the first place
1. I hope you shut that down quick. You don’t have to be nasty but a quick “I’m good thanks”
2. You need to absolutely tell her. Be gentle because she obviously has all sorts of hormones. And be very reassuring.
Good luck
Say you don’t want to see that friend again. She will ask why, then you tell her what happened. Even if it’s not a big deal to her, you say it makes you uncomfortable and you don’t want to see them again. That way you have laid it out, drawn a boundary for yourself and you won’t be in that situation again.
Her friend is asking you to confide in her so she can tell your wife stuff your wife thinks you hide.
So approach it like that assure your wife that you are open and honest and communicate everything, so you don’t need to talk to anyone else like … But you are touched that she felt you might need someone and it was sweet of her friend to offer. Or some such BS, you work in sales I’m sure you can dress it up.
Immediately set a boundary with her. She’s not a friend to your wife! One of my bridesmaids did the same thing. Our friendship ended that day! I learned later that my husband was engaging in the suggestive conversation. He’s gone too!
“If this was one of my male friends approaching you and you came to me saying that they were making you feel uncomfortable, how would you want me to respond? Do you think this is any different? Your friend is making me feel uncomfortable in my own home.”
She is brushing you off because it’s easier than confronting someone’s bad behavior. But force that to face her hypocrisy and you may get more traction.
Remember, if you try to keep the peace, the only person’s peace that will be protected is the person who is making you uncomfortable. Always protect your own peace first.
Just be homeostasis and upfront. She may brush it off but stress that it made your uncomfortable and you didn’t think it was a joke or trying to be helpful. Your wife may be a bit innocent in how she views her friend
She is NOT your wife’s friend. Tell her immediately what occurred. If this person is willing to betray your wife in this way then she needs to know ASAP!!! This is a person who cannot be trusted in any way shape or fashion! I hope you find peace🙌🏾
That woman is not a good friend to your wife. She’s only known her for 4 years and that behaviour towards you is not cool. She was definitely enticing you into connecting with her and keeping secrets from your wife which is highly inappropriate. I’d say she’s jealous of your wife so don’t feel bad if you telling your wife ends that friendship because I would not trust her to have your wife’s back.
You need to tell your wife asap and tell her that it concerned you, that you knew what this friend meant. Your wife will believe you.
I don’t see it as a come on either. I see it as your wife has been complaining to her about your marriage and she wants to help you because your wife is a good friend
I’m not sure you’ll get the reaction you want if you tell her.
One of my closest GF’s husbands did this to me. He was less subtle. Said he’d always thought he’d end up with me if it didn’t work out with her. Massive 🚩
I chose not to say anything but decided to play the long game – was more standoffish around him, didn’t laugh at his jokes, supported her “exploring her options” when she expressed doubts about him & their relationship.
I eventually told her…. after they divorced. She laughed and said she’d always thought he had a “thing” for me. I asked if she would have wanted to know at the time. She said no. She was glad I didn’t tell her because it would have made our friendship difficult. Not that she ever thought I was interested in him; she knew I wasn’t. But it would have put an uncomfortable pressure on our friendship.
Ypu can shut this down very easily by calling the friend out on it, even better if it’s in a public place. A “yeah I am soooo not interested, forget it”, or, if you want to be polite “Naa. if there were any troubles I wouldn’t discuss them with a friend of hers, that’s illoyal.”. End of story.
my hot take- you read like a very aware person to me and whatever you do say or do; youll do,a great job of it without alienating anyone
You are a good husband.
You might want to share this thread with her.
5 months preggy with twins is very tough so be careful of her mental health.