Husband sits in car for 30+ minutes everyday

39 comments

1. Did you talk to him about it?

   Maybe suggest that if he does need to decompress, come in the house first, greet everyone, then let him head off somewhere in the house for a half hour of guaranteed alone time.

2. ~~He’s just decompressing so he can keep his work & home life separate. It’s actually a common thing and is a healthy tactic for your mental health. I do it for about 15 mins each night too. My wife knows, I explained it when we were still dating 15 years ago.~~

   **EDIT**: This response was made prior to OP adding in an edit to state husband car-pools. I don’t feel my post has relevance as a result.

3. this is actually a pretty common transition issue, but 30 minutes is excessive when you have an 11 month old. Maybe suggest a compromise, he gets 5-10 minutes to finish his podcast or decompress in the drivewat, and in exchange, he’s 100% in the second ge walks through the door.

4. Driving for an hour and a half is hardly an opportunity to decompress.

5. For me it’s completely normal. I work in a high stress, overstimulating environment (classroom teacher), have a 30 minute commute, and always need to sit in the car for at least 15-20 minutes and just decompress on my phone. Even though it’s quiet in the car, your mind is still working because you’re driving, so it doesn’t really count. I don’t think it’s abnormal. Hopefully relocating can help you.

   I understand your frustration though because you’re also in that environment. I would try talking to him about it though and seeing if there is another time you can give him to allow him to decompress so that he can see his youngest, and finding time where he can take over and you can go outside and decompress.

6. What did he say when you talked to him about it?

   It’s very normal in my marriage. We both work stressful jobs and need a few minutes to decompress before jumping in. If he helps you in all areas and is very hands on then I wouldn’t be mad. Does he give you time to decompress?

7. Driving an hour and a half home can be quite streasful and draining. I alsp decompress in my car with a much shorter driving distance. It gives a nice transition and the ability to switch mindsets and be more present. You’re being unreasonable

8. You should talk to him. He either dislikes his job or coming home.

9. Do you ever get any time to decompress?

10. My husband and I both work and we have four kids. Neither of us would ever do this on a regular basis. Once in a while maybe. But every single day? No. I would be irate.

11. What is the first thing that happens to him when he walks in the door? That would be good to know because I’d do the same thing if I’m not looking forward to it.

12. Slightly different scenario. I work from home, when my wife returns from daycare pickup with our two kids I race downstairs out to greet them and help bring them inside the house. I love seeing their faces and hearing about their day. I can’t imagine delaying that by 30 minutes to “decompress”.

13. It’s not unusual, I do it myself, I get the impulse, but he should not be doing this right now. I remember the days of being home with a baby all day and just being desperate for another adult to walk in the door. At this particular point in your lives, it’s not OK for him to sit in his car for 30 minutes ignoring you and the kids.

14. It doesn’t matter if he’s carpooling. Commuting sucks.

    But he’s a dad so he needs to suck it up. Sit there for ten minutes. Then go in and be a parent.

15. If you don’t get to decompress the moment he walks in the door.. then yeah I can see why that would bother you.

16. As a sahm myself I 100% get where you’re coming from OP. These people in the comments talking about an hour and half drive is hardly decompressing.. what are we talking about? An hour and half to drive peacefully without a screaming baby and a child asking you a different question every 5 seconds, be able to listen to ur music, podcast, whatever. She doesn’t get that? So to her that 3 guaranteed hours of peace a day, is in fact decompressing.

    11 month old probably goes to sleep very latest 8pm I’m guessing, that means she’s basically raising these kids on her own. OP I’m going through something pretty similar with slightly different circumstances but i understand how hard, lonely and isolating this can be and I’m sorry you’re going through this, I recommend asking him if you two can agree on a fixed time, somewhere between 5-10 minutes seems reasonable to me. I hope you guys can figure something out!

17. “Am i overreacting by being upset about this? I feel like the hour drive is the time to decompress! ”

    I have no idea where you live, but traffic is brutal where I live. I also decompress in my garage when I get home. My husband asks me whats going on when I do this. Please chill out.

18. My husband does the same and it pisses me off but I’ve caught myself doing it too so I try to have a little grace. It’s hard when I’ve been sitting and feeling like I’m just waiting for him to get home and then that 30 min I’m just more and more annoyed… but I’ve caught myself sitting in the car after a shift mindlessly scrolling, not even with the music on, just resetting my brain. My mind doesn’t start to decompress until I’m in the garage. Something about finally pulling into the driveway, that’s when everything melts away.

19. I’d start heading out to the car to greet him with the kids when he gets home!

20. You need to have a conversation. He needs to know that sometimes you’re waiting because you need to go to the bathroom or have a few minutes alone. I think it probably bothers you more that he doesn’t consider that you might also need a second to collect yourself and he just takes his whenever he wants to.

    Talk about it. There is understanding and compromise in the situation where both of you are getting what you need.

21. I’ll tell you that driving is definitely not a way to decompress. I wake up at 4:45am and get home around 4:30-5pm. I work with screaming crying kids all day, I definitely take time to decompress in my car 15-20min. BUT i also think dad should be helping out somewhat. He should at least put the kids to bed and tidy up the place. And maybe on his days off, alternate who sleeps in and who wakes up with the kids and makes breakfast. At this time, you should be given time to yourself. You both need time to yourselves everyday or else you will always resent him for it. So when you talk to him, think about ways you 2 can compromise with each other so you wont be so overwhelmed.

22. I think it’s fair that he may need time to decompress after the workday and long commute home. However, I think it’s unusual to not to come inside and see your kids before they go to sleep. So, I would agree in this case it makes the most sense to decompress from the day after the kids go down or he at least gets to say hello and ask them about their days and what not. I know those small moments with dad are important to my babies everyday.

23. Mine did this and in hindsight it was because he was unhappy. He didn’t like his life and avoided coming inside as long as possible.

24. I think it is normal to need to decompress for a while when you’re switching from work mode to home mode. Sometimes being at work is just very straining mentally and having time where you are sitting in a stationary vehicle and not having to think is actually relaxing.

    The only thing about this situation that should be different is him coming in afterwards and giving you an hour to decompress in the car or on a walk by yourself while he takes care of the kids.

    There are 2 of you, you should be able to trade off taking breaks and it be okay. Neither of you should have to wait until after the kids bedtime to be able to start decompressing. You both should be able to get time to rest during the day at some point to avoid burnout.

25. I totally understand decompressing before coming inside to my home. Btw, I am a woman who works full-time.

    Is your home a stress free zone? Like, is is cool and calm by the time he comes home? Are you settled? Kids settled?

    Working and staying home with kids are BOTH hard.
    IT IS ALL HARD!!!!

    But, if I leave one bad environment, I don’t want to walk right into another hellish environment immediately.

26. You made me in a shitty mood just reading this. Do you think driving to and from work in traffic is at all relaxing? I get that you’re probably wondering who he is talking to in his car, but I just felt this post sounded very selfish, micro managing, self entitled (do you know how many husband’s don’t “greet” when they get home?) and there are probably so many unhappy woman who would gladly take your husband off your hands.

    I sit in my car all the time, just decompressing I guess after my very hard shifts, and drinking a soda, scrolling through notifications and text from family or whatnot after I stop and turn my car off.

27. Depends — do you also get 30+ minutes to sit by yourself uninterrupted to decompress/do whatever you want? I’m guessing you don’t.

28. What does your husband do for a living? I need to know this before I pass judgment.

29. What does your husband do for a living? You discussed everything he does and doesn’t do when he gets home but nothing about what he does at work.

30. So look i get your side i do but driving 1.5 hours in rush hour is no decompressing. Its stressful and just down right soul sucking. My life became 100% better the minute i cut my 45 min commute out of my life. I hate that you feel unsupported and i understand that u feel that way, but if i had.to walk into a house with kids and a spouse that was ready for a break afyer a nine hour day with a 3 hour total commute i would probanly snap. I’m a 40 yr old woman BTW. Try to give him grace until ypu move closer and try to problem solve together. Let him know you understand his perspective and then share yours. Maybe give him half an hour undisturbed with noise cancelling head phones once hes given you a half an hour undisturbed break doing wjat ypu prefer (for me that would be a walk in the sumshine out of the house).

31. I definitely think there’s something wired with some husbands of SAHM’s that feel the need to just take a break before coming home. And I’m just speaking of various coworkers that I’ve had over the years that I’ve noticed this habit forming. They often are afraid of their wives or afraid that they’re hit with a to do list as soon as they get home. I had one coworker that preferred to stay in the office until 8/9p to avoid going home even though he lived 2 hours away. Another coworker refused to go home early when we were allowed early excusal because he said he’s always met with a “honey-do” list. The latter individual is now going through a divorce after being together for over a decade.

32. He’s just going to park the car around the house and decompress there from now on.

    You can feel the stress he’s going through just from what you have said on here.

    You need to move closer ASAP

    You get to decompress on the weekends etc so that’s his time to shine. He decompresses 2 and a half hours a week or so.

    It’s very tough out there in the job market. My wife is very unsympathetic so I don’t bother telling her any more how hard a day I’ve had cause she’s had it tougher. Don’t be that kind of wife pls.

    At one point I worked from 8am to 3am. Exhausting but I’d get into bed and she would complain about her day and wanted me to give her a massage to relax her!

33. I do this almost every time I get home from anywhere and many times before going into a public space. I need just a bit of time where all of the action, demands, social expectations, etc just pause so I can come back to center and show up fully to the next thing. I’ve never timed myself, but I know I have entered my dreaded ADHD time vortexes in there a couple times and went well beyond 30min. That is not the norm though.

    I was also a SAHM with small children before and I vividly remember the relief when my husband came home from work and I wasn’t the only adult anymore. I also vividly remember those *hard* days and wanting to collapse and be alone the second he got home.

    Your feelings are valid, but I would not let them run the conversation that needs to happen here. They are your indicator that something isn’t working and needs to be assessed. Take their cue and talk to your partner. I’d approach this in a calm and compassionate way and work out a well defined compromise.

34. Sitting outside to decompress occasionally for a few minutes is fine. Spending an extra 30+ minutes everyday is selfish. You both put in the same amount of hours everyday. Taking care of children is just as stressful as going to work, if not more sometimes.

    Not sure if it’s intentional or not, but him sitting in the car knowing you’re struggling to get the kids ready for bed and cook dinner is irritating. He needs to come in and help with one or the other, or at least copilot so you can both relax sooner. It’s things like this that cause resentment.

    The saddest part about this post is him not valuing the time where his kids are actually awake and excited to see him. He would rather be outside to decompress, miss quality time, and then decompress further before going to bed.

35. Unpopular opinion apparently, from reading the comments… but I would also be annoyed. I’ve basically been in the same situation since our kids were born 4.5 years ago. My husband almost never comes inside when he gets home from work. And my kids wear me out and I just want help at night. I also rarely, if ever, get a break. So no, I don’t think you are overreacting.

36. I am in the exact same boat as you, except my husband works nightshift. Hour and a half away, 6pm to 6am. 60+ hr weeks. He gets home between 7:30-8, takes a shower and lays in bed on his phone til about 9. Sometimes if our 2 yo is awake he will play with him while I deal with our 3mo. Or if the kids are still asleep we talk. Maybe 20/30 min. Then he sleeps til 3. Wakes up and does his business. Doesn’t come out of our room/bathroom before 3:30 and leaves at 4. We get maybe an hour with him on the days he works total? I get really frustrated when he takes a long time in the bathroom on his phone or if he doesn’t wake up when he’s supposed too. I know he’s tired and exhausted so I don’t say anything, but I’m basically a single parent those days to a VERY high energy toddler and brand new little. So I get it.

    You’re 100% valid.

    Talk to him. Give him 10 min and if he stays longer then walk out to the car and talk to him and get him to come inside. Don’t nag him, time is probably slipping away without him realizing it, just come out and be like “watcha doin?”

    On the flip side, when I was working at my job I was really depressed. Very stressful work environment and high demanding customer service. When I got home I was so drained and depressed I would sit outside in my car and just lose track of time zoning out to the silence, so I do get his side as well, but he can’t do that when you’ve been home all day with the kids. You need a break too.

    They don’t realize that they’re our only adult interaction some days so it’s really hurtful when they don’t make an effort to spend time with us.

37. Just curious, when your husband gets i. the house, what happens? How do you greet him, what do you say?

    I had the issue when my husband got home to dump on him. I was excited to see him but felt the need to fill him on all the things that went wrong in the day. That’s overwhelming and would be for anyone when they step in the house.

    My husband used to do the same as your husband. He finally told me he was “preparing” himself to come home. He knew as soon as he walked in, he would have to put out “fires” so to speak. I felt bad when i realized that.

    Now I give him a huge hug and a kiss. I ask him how was his day, even though we talk on his drive home lol. I let him get settled and he showers right after getting home, then I can fill him in. He does whatever needs doing after that. It’s made it much better for both of us.

38. My husband would never. I’m also a SAHM (4 kids) and he works away and does a 2 hour drive to work and then home. He jumps out of that car, can’t get in the house quick enough to see us all, and usually one or all of us greet him at the door. Any husband who is sitting in the car for an EXTRA 1/2 hour when he’s already been wife and child free ALL day is selfish af.

39. Every family is different. When I was a SAHM with three kids under the age of 3, my husband got off work around 5:30. He ways always kind of tired and stressed when he got home. At some point, I insisted that he go to the driving range on the way home for 45 minutes. When he got home after that, he was always super engaged and energized. And grateful. For us, it made a world of difference as it was a nice short transition period between work and kids. He then would spend time with the kids, I would get a break, and no one felt put upon. Not saying it would work for everyone, but it definitely did for us.