For context we've been married 7 years, together for 12. Wonderful kids together and a fantastic life. My mother had a important birthday and we went to a all inclusive hotel in a African country (being somewhat vague intentionally). Due to his work he couldnt make it. So was my mother, our kids, and me.
After being there for a few days I knew the staff by name and they knew me and my family. One particular member of entertainment staff. Mr F took particular interest in me and we spent alot of time together.
One night while we were watching the show, my mother said she was tired so would take the kids to bed and go to bed herself. I stayed and watched the show, Mr F took no time in coming up to me and striking up a conversation, telling me I should meet him at a bar down the road, I reminded him I was married and he assured me this was friendly not romantic.
I decided to go, after all I'm a big girl and have self control. We sat at this beach bar maybe 500 meters from the hotel for hours just drinking and talking. Its was after this that I cant explain my actions but I broke every bit of trust between my husband and me. I did more damage on that beach than I can bare to hide.
I need to tell my husband and its effecting my everyday life. He needs to know. I just have no idea how I attempt to break this news to him. I'm fully aware that I need to beg his forgiveness and that there is alot of work for me to do on my part to rebuild with him if he keeps me.
I just dont know how to approach this. I love him so much and have done something so horrible.
17 comments
The first step is saying to yourself “I broke our vows and I cheated” not “our vows are broken”
Eh idk if there’s gonna be much rebuilding tbh and that’s really his decision and one you’ll just have to live with since you made yours. I feel awful for him. I’d just sit him down and tel him there’s no use in prolonging things.
Wait so cheated on him?
If you loved him so much, you wouldn’t have even gone to the beach in the first place.
Fake
If he keeps you, you won’t respect him on a fundamental level.
“I’m a big girl and have self control”
Sounds like you need a leash.
Another bunch of childrens lives ruined. Fantastic.
Hmmmmm
Boy I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes. And that Mr F sounds like he was definitely on the prowl for you … it sounds like he was trying to lower your guard.
My usual inclination would be to say you just have to come clean.
But honestly, by doing that, you need to know the nature of your marriage is changed – whether you guys stay together or not. Your marriage is not the same and can’t never the same as it was.
Now – there’s several outcomes that can come from you telling your hubby.
He can decide to stay and work through the infidelity – but trust will be hard to rebuild.
Or he can decide to leave.
By telling him, you need to be prepared for both realities.
Some people would say don’t bother saying anything … if you choose that route, you have to ask yourself if you can stomach holding this in forever. Some people can, some can’t. You will have to identify which one you are.
What happens in Africa stays in Africa baby girl. You goood our boys gonna be alright not knowing. Convince yourself it was all a weird dream and as the italians say fooooogettttahhhh bouttt it. Anyway follow me for more relationship tips.
You just have to say it straight up, no softening it. pick a calm moment, be honest about exactly what happened, and don’t make excuses. he’s gonna be hurt and you can’t control that part, only how honest and accountable you are. if you try to downplay it or delay it more it’ll just make it worse later.
You may not have a fantastic life anymore!
You will need to answer the question of Why?
You need to get tested for STI’s.
Then you need to start marriage counselling.
Then you need to take your husband to counselling with you.
Does needing to tell him make you feel better for what you have done?
The trust he had for you will be forever broken.
Personally I would suggest therapy for you and provided the STI checks are clear, I would shut your mouth
permanently.
You need some real help to manage yourself in the future because this is no way to live and behave with your husband.
Just simplify it: You cheated on your husband.
So tell him during the trip you cheated on him and give all the nitty gritty, answer everything, don’t trickle truth him the way you’re kind of trickle truthing in your post.
Agree to take STI screening as well. And take his reaction.
Whatever you do, tell him before you have sex with him again. You have no idea what you might be exposing him to, and that’s literally adding injury to insult.
You know as well as there rest of us that there’s no advice to be given here. Rip the bandaid tonight. To do otherwise is to further degrade your husband and mock your vows. Own up and take full responsibility.
I think you ended your marriage looking for someone else. You made a choice of enjoying with someone else other than your husband. As you said you loved your husband is false statement. I love my wife and she loves me, we never encourage others to come near us. But your loved the attention and made your choice, now you need to face the consequences
Your kids will be the losers because your decisions. Sorry it might be harsh, but it is the reality!
If your husband is as wonderful as you say he is then he deserves to know.
And you can’t say that you have self control because you went on vacation to celebrate your mother with your children and still somehow fell into the arms of another man you didn’t even know. You don’t have self control, you’re not trustworthy and you gotta come to terms with that and face the music.
If you love your husband you’ll tell him what you did and give him the ability to make his own decision. If he leaves you, then you deserve it, if he stays, then you better fight like hell to bring back the security in his home.
would you be telling him for him, or for you? if this is just about guilt idk girl…
is getting it off your chest (and transferring a ton of the pain to him) worth blowing up your life?
So you’re a big girl who doesn’t have self control? Got it. You should take that sentence out your post, since you cheated.
You seem to feel remorse which is good, but you honestly need to be straight up with him. I think you’re unintentionally trying to ‘lighten the blow’ by the extra ‘I broke our vows. How do I tell him?’
Just take straight accountability & say to him you need to talk to him about something serious, and tell him you cheated on him.
Unfortunately, if he doesn’t want to stay with you that is the consequences of some actions & he’s well within his right if he feels like ending it. Wish you luck.
Dear brokendreams, I sort of agree with [BigAffectionate7631](https://www.reddit.com/user/BigAffectionate7631/) below who’s gist was “what happens in Africa stays in Africa.” But first I say, please don’t make the decision to tell your husband when you are this emotional. Emotion based decisions are not always the best and you’ve got a lot to lose here, so I hope you proceed with caution.
I don’t know what your beliefs are, but I’m a Christian, and I would prioritize getting right with God first on this and let Him lead you.
Look, I’ve spent 40 years in and working with the military. I’ve seen so much crap. Most of the ppl here will say “once a cheater, always a cheater” and call you garbage etc., well you don’t need to listen to all that. I’ve seen men and women cheat… repent… go on with life and never jack up their relationships again. Not like just a few, like dozens if not 100+.
If you are truly disgraced with yourself and have no intention of cheating again, recommend you take some time before moving on this. Do an asset / liability type analysis, like if your husband goes to his grave not knowing you had a one time “indiscretion” (stupid word for cheating I know) what ‘s the big deal? You blew it, you got away with one, you don’t want to do it again, you’re genuinely remorseful, so I’d wait. People will also say you don’t have the right to let your husband “live a lie” … that sounds real noble, but is blowing up your entire family just so you can say you don’t have any secrets really worth it? I’m really leaning with “what he don’t know can’t hurt him”. I think all’s you can do here is learn from this and try to be more better. aloha!
Btw, Jesus still loves you!