This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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34 comments

  2. My friend who I’ve had a crush on moved back down here but she’s isolating herself working through her PTSD. Just ler her know I’m here for her.

    It’s frustrating cuz I want us to hang out so bad but I know I gotta be respectful of her needing space.

  3. In the … roughly 2-3 years I’ve been trying to date, I’ve struggled with how to disclose my long Covid. What say you all?

    (I am on the long Covid page, but I can’t make a post there just yet. I can next month.)

    I lost my smell & taste in 2020 long before the vaccines and stuff. Hardly any improvement in the nearly six years since then. And ongoing Covid safety is still very important to me. (Which is on my dating profile and probably slashes my matches by 98% percent lol).

    Anyway, on the very few dates I’ve had in the last three years or so, I only mentioned to one guy I had long covid, because we made it to four dates. The other two guys I went on first/second dates with, I didn’t bother mentioning.

    But essentially, this is a safety concern for me, as I’ve lost the ability to detect danger/more susceptible to food poisoning etc. So, while I am fairly silent about it, it’s not something I could/should hide. And my potential suitors (lol) should also have agency in deciding whether or not they want to be with someone who has this ailment.

    Perhaps this is something I should maybe put on my profile? Or bring up on the first or second date? Or just wait until things legitimize themselves more? Idk. It’s also kinda scary telling a stranger because they could literally do anything to my food or drink and I would be none the wiser.

    Alas, this is my greatest dilemma.

  4. When does the desire to see their name pop up on your phone stop? This is quite an annoying feeling :)))

  5. I have a date later tonight. Hope it’s gonna be fun! No expectations. 

  6. I’ve been reflecting a lot (too much) on getting dumped, and what could have possibly gone wrong. And I really think it has to do with me not being sexually assertive enough and not creating that sexual spark/energy with her. We had an awkward first kiss, and while things improved and it wasn’t bad when we were first intimate, I think I was too reserved and let her take the lead, whereas she desired the opposite.

    I know it’s something I genuinely need to improve on, and it’s probably affected connections with people before, but it takes me a while to warm up to someone and feel really comfortable with taking those physical steps. And I think I’ve also really internalised a lot of the social negativity around men’s sexuality and not wanting to be ‘that guy’.

    I don’t know how to balance being respectful and assertive. She flat out said she was into my ‘gentle energy’ but she also said I was so safe and I’m realizing that was not a compliment. If she had given me one more chance she would have seen the more passionate side of me, but I wasn’t given the chance and I feel like this is common that the absence of this early on just kills the attraction.

  7. Hey. New here, but I need to vent a bit.

    So, my mother lives with me. My mother retired when she had me (at 44) to raise me, and as a result, her financial retirement situation is not enviable. She’s now 80, still pretty spry, but needs help with aspects of daily living (physical stuff, technology, finances). I work, take care of the expenses (I own the home), help when she needs it, and we both benefit from each other’s company. We get along well together on a personal level too so that helps. It’s a bit like a roommate situation, we just happen to be related.

    I also was raised in a multigenerational household. My grandmother stayed with us until she had to go in a specialized care home for dementia. So all in all, multigenerational living is very normal for me, even though I don’t live in a place where it is widespread. Filial piety, duty, loyalty are values I hold dear as a result of my upbringing. My mother is the strongest woman I know and gave everything to take care of my grandmother and I as best as she could. It simply feels right that I return the favour now that she needs it, and I made the choice I made knowing what I was getting into.

    Needless to say however, it makes dating…not easy. I’ve been 12 years single, now, some of that time unrelated to the above (as this wasn’t always my living situation). When I say single, I mean very single: nothing even casual or ambiguous. I generally wear it well, but sometimes I get lonely. And honestly, what I miss the most is touch. Like, the gentle touch of someone for whom you might mean something, not like, a poke or something. I do have friends, so it’s not like I’m totally isolated, but it’s just not the same. They can’t really fulfill that need. Being seen, and chosen, you know?

    I hate wasting anyone’s time and I feel like I would with my living situation, so I don’t date. I totally understand that most women wouldn’t really know what to do with this dynamic. I’m not bitter towards other people for my own choices. The traditional relationship escalator is just stalled for me at the moment. It is what it is. Unfortunately, it doesn’t act as a pause button on feeling kind of alone on this huge rock.

    Lately I’ve been feeling more lonely than usual and it’s making me want to throw my hat in the ring and see what happens. I’m flexible on what form a committed relationship would take; whether we live apart always, or just for a while, or buy a multi-unit home where my mother (and why not her own parents, if she is in a similar situation) could have a place. I have an substantial independent streak and I have always felt drawn to LAT, but I’ve never cohabited with a partner before, so I don’t have strong feelings against that either. I’ve never wanted kids, so that’s clear at least.

    To be quite honest, I feel like the best situation would be to meet a woman in a similar situation as my own, to make time for each other as we’re able for now, and see what happens down the road. I do feel like I have something of worth to bring into a relationship. If nothing else, I know I’m a dutiful, loyal and steady person, and I can bring that with me.

    I also do feel like I have space in my life for someone else. This is not, like, a terminal care situation where my mother is completely helpless. I’m not on call. It’s really just a socially unusual, but personally perfectly usual, multigenerational living arrangement. I sometimes travel for work, so it’s not like I couldn’t spend time on a weekend getaway or something. I can host as well (though I understand it might be a bit awkward!) I have talked about it with my mother at length, who is supportive.

    I figure that if the roles were reversed, for the right person, I would not mind the constraint. So the global dating pool is at least n = 1. Maybe it’s not that big a leap of faith to believe it could be n >= 1.

    So, just wondering if someone here has been in this situation, and had some measure of success. Maybe a caregiver, or someone who made LAT work. Any hope, tips, help? Should I just suck it up, go for it and see what happens, keeping in mind my potential dating pool is smaller? I just really don’t want to bother people, rofl. Maybe I’m kind of over-thinking it.

  8. Disorganized thoughts after a month off of dating:

    My BIG Breakup-versary passed this week. It brought stuff up, of course, but god it’s good to be healed. I didn’t get to enjoy Spring last year as I was profoundly heartbroken and it’s a literal breath of fresh air to be able to appreciate the life I’ve built for myself and feel excited about the future. Also found out he’s bald now (didn’t go looking, a friend thought they were being helpful by telling me). Feeling pretty good about life and myself in general but also not actively dating so trying to suss out if I’m ready to get back on the horse. Maybe in May. Also into the process of freezing my eggs which is both sad and empowering because I really can just do this myself, can’t I?

    The last guy seemed so promising. I’m still confused about what happened. For a brain dump/feedback, I’m going to list some points instead of how I feel about it because the flags felt overwhelmingly green, and maybe they were but (in no particular order)…

    1. Asked me a lot of questions about myself and remembered details that even I forgot from our dates.
    2. Did not push for early intimacy, seemed intimidated (would sometimes shake and cover his face after being vulnerable with me). Once things progressed a bit on date 4, he told me he wanted to sleep with me but wasn’t ready – I wasn’t either, so it was like cool, we’re on the same page.
    3. Took me on proper, planned dates.
    4. Talked about future dates + integrating me into his life.
    5. Told his friends about me.
    6. “Busy” “Not a good texter” Sometimes long communication gaps but was like that from the beginning so not ideal, but not that alarming.
    7. Comments about how clean and nice my house and car were, bashful admission that he is messy, hesitant to invite me over.
    8. Brought me flowers for V Day and a small thoughtful gift (something I’d mentioned I liked on date 1).
    9. Frequently had to change plans/postpone but would insist on rescheduling.
    10. Ultimately decided he didn’t have the time to start anything serious right now and asked if I’d be open to casual. I said no and we cut it off, he claimed it hurt on his end too – that he “sensed I had a timeline” and “didn’t want to waste any more of my time.”
    11. Awesome physical chemistry (at least for me, and it seemed very mutual – once we broke the touch barrier he seemed to always be wanting to touch me).
    12. Long distance + careers involved that made scheduling and momentum a challenge. Seemed genuinely in a busy season of life but I don’t want to be naive if that was just an excuse. I wish I could trust people are being honest but experience has taught me not to.
    13. Also I am 4 years older and I recognize that makes the stakes for starting something serious BIGGER. I both totally understand turning away from that pressure if that’s the case and also am fighting a sinking dread that nobody is going to want me enough to take a chance on starting life a little late with me. I have never been the type that KNOWS I want to be a mother, but I am open to that experience with the right man (hence freezing the eggs to give myself more time). I could be happy without as well, with the right person. For me it’s about being so in love with someone that I WANT that, and my biological clock is also probably ticking, ngl.
    14. He did mention his ex and other dates a few times, and had run into one while we were dating so speculation about other women is def going on…

    IDK. None of it really MATTERS except to the small part of me that hopes maybe we’ll get another shot because if I’m totally dumb and got played, that’s one thing, but if it was just a clunky misfire…either way, I know better than to blindly fall back into anything – I’d need to understand exactly what happened and exactly what changed. I *wish* I could do casual but I only had to learn once that won’t work (and now I have a guy I run into a couple times a year who stares a hole through my soul every time but won’t speak to me).

    It’s so nice to feel like myself again, but weird because I am going to keep pursuing “the dream” of a loving and safe partner and possibly a family, meanwhile I truly have no idea if I’m ever going to be capable of both finding and trusting another good man and the idea of trying to build a life with someone again makes me queasy. I’m finally at peace, I have my stuff together, I consistently get told how wonderful and “wife material” I am, and yet I feel like I’m just signing myself up for more punishment. Pisses me off how much love is worth it.

  10. I haven’t had a date/interaction that lasted more than a few days for over 9 months now.

    I’ve gotten maybe 35 or so matches in the last 14 months, and maybe 4 of them actually responded to my initial message. Even people who messaged me first just never replied.

    I don’t think I have the self-esteem to even try anymore.

  11. Guy asked me out on tinder by saying (first message, mind you) “let’s skip the small talk and meet for some active sport? Bouldering, ice skating, walking, barre class?” Please is there someone out there that has done barre class as a first date? Are we going to do the presidential fitness test at the end as the final elimination round??

    He also mentions in his profile that he “likes women who are fit” and that’s the first thing he says he likes about women. I used to be 300+ lbs (lost 200+ lbs!) and I can tell you, this is PC language for “I am expecting a thin partner” but wowza, I hope he doesn’t take me out back like Old Yeller if my mile time is over ten minutes

    For what it’s worth, I don’t mention in my profile that I’ve lost weight (since it’s nobody’s business unless I choose to share once I know them better) and I’m fairly skinny now, so I always find it a bit amusing to find the fatphobic men in the wild and then to see how uncomfortable I can make them

  12. The other daily got locked before I could reply.

    I posted that the mom of my now married ex from 16 years ago friend requested me on FB this morning, and I’d be a little offended if my MIL friended my husband’s ex from years ago.

    Someone replied that maybe it was a fat finger fumble. While that does happen, it was not. I also saw she sent me a message, so definitely not a mistake lol

  13. Most of my fwb’s seem to want something serious with me until they realize that “something serious” entails more than merely (them) receiving more support (from me). 

    I expect you to cut ties with your exes, show up when you say you will, and be there for me too- or I’m out. Pretty low bar IMHO. But of course I’m “avoidant” for not being a doormat. 

  14. In a allegry haze yesterday and today, and seemingly got 19 likes last night on bumble, wtf.

  15. Signed up for another speed dating event tonight, second day in a row. I don’t even know why, nothing is likely to come from it, but I guess I’m just craving human connection right now however fleeting and non-committal. This one is a 25-38 event so I’ll probably be one of the oldest people there lol.

  16. How does DOT feel about pics in uniform (military) on a dating profile? Had a pic taken recently that I think is one of my better ones in a couple years buuuuut it’s in uniform and I don’t want to be super cringy.

  17. I know I’m probably going to get downvoted because whenever I post about my own experience, people here seem to hastily judge those in untraditional relationship dynamics, but I’m feeling really jilted today about people in general after this morning. My fiance and I are for a lack of better terms in a more open lifestyle dynamic where we like to occasionally meet other couples for connection and fun together. There was someone I’d been talking to who we seemed to hit it off really great with and shared a lot with. He said he and his longtime girlfriend were really interested in meeting, but then today hits me with the “Oh, right now is not a good time for us. She’s not in the right place right now for meeting another couple.” This is always always always the excuse these so-called couples give us. It’s always a copout that suddenly the woman half of the couple has too much going on, but don’t worry, maybe down the line they can reconnect with us. It’s such a waste of time!

  18. Going through a breakup right now, my first serious relationship in 8 years (we only lasted six months). I’m struggling, to say the least. I also probably hopped back on the apps way too quick and everyone is ugly to me lol. I don’t want my ex back, but I truly can’t see myself ever being happy with someone again. At 31, I feel like I’m running out of time to do the things I want to do with a partner, and starting over seems so difficult.

  19. Had an impromptu date with my lover yesterday night; we watched Harry Potter and cuddled.

    Both of us grew up reading the books (which I know isn’t a rare thing) but it’s the first time I’ve dated someone who also enjoys/enjoyed Harry Potter and it brings up some childhood nostalgia

    Next week is our six month anniversary of our first date and I’ve been considering having the convo about making it official. Still not sure and not going to have the convo until I am sure

  21. Hi all,

    A week ago I had a chat with a girl I’ve been seeing about being happy not to rush things but also I am hoping it’s going somewhere, although to be honest I probably would have been happy to call it a relationship then. We just hadn’t discussed what we were so I wanted to be clear.

    Anyway, she came over last night and we slept together and she also mentioned she’s told her parents about me, not in depth but just that she’s seeing someone, which surprised me in a nice way because I wasn’t sure if she saw it like that yet.

    Anyway, I’m pretty keen to just make things official now but I also don’t want to seem like I’m going back on what I said the week before, and blind side her by asking it out? We have future plans I’m hoping it’s just a matter of time, but would be curious of thoughts.

    Thanks

  22. I (32M) [joined a local startup matchmaking service back in early February](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/nMnB49n27E) and have been sharing my adventures here for those curious about what the experience is like ever since.

    Last week, I mentioned that my [first match through the service ended](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/gV0RgIltEP)because she wasn’t sure she was ready to date. Around that time, there was also a potential second match in the works, since both my matchmaker and I saw where things were heading with match #1.

    I also mentioned that the evening before my first date with potential match #2 was supposed to happen, [she canceled without suggesting a new time](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/EuzRJ2wZgf).

    Since then, potential match #2 has popped in and out of my matchmaker’s inbox a few times saying she’s still interested and will look into setting something up. This has happened three times now and each time, she either goes MIA after I send my availability or ends up needing to reschedule last minute.

    In the meantime, I’ve been shown other profiles and have mentally moved on, since it didn’t feel like she was serious. But she resurfaced again on Monday after my matchmaker reached out to ask if she was still interested. Once again, she said yes, asked for my availability… and then didn’t respond until last night, when she suggested a time that was clearly outside of what I’d already provided.

    After reading that this morning, I told my matchmaker that I’d prefer to officially move on from her. I get that people are busy, hell I’m busy too, but at some point actions have to line up with words. I’ve consistently sent availability when asked, and this just started to feel disrespectful of my time.

    I have my weekly check-in call with the matchmaker tomorrow, and she’ll be sharing more new profiles [after the last round didn’t go so well](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/0pv97pTLXo). We’ll see what happens.

  23. How to even know, when to say ily for the first time to the person you’re dating/you’re in relationship with?

  24. Romance is not the be-all, end-all of life. I know I have to keep making the best life for myself in whatever areas I can. I just can’t see anything happening at this point. Maybe I’m cursed or something lol.

  25. I’m trying to be strong, but my empathetic heart is struggling with being firm. This guy I was talking to for a few weeks up till last Tuesday, when he ghosted me after we had unprotected sex on Monday reached out again. His mother passed away from complications of a surgery.

    Before she passed, I was realizing we had incompatibilities so I was thinking about ending it.

    On one hand he did say his mom was back in the hospital the day he ghosted me, but he didn’t say anything for the week. On the other hand he only apologized after I told him we should part ways. Also, he reached with asking if I’m free on Friday because he needs a big hug.

    I was feeling really down from breaking my rule about having unprotected sex with someone who hasn’t std tested themselves get and then getting UTI was just the cherry on the cake.

    I feel so bad he lost a parent, but I cannot be the person to comfort him. I don’t want to be another man’s emotional pillow.

  26. Hey I 30[M]have been seeing this girl 29[F] for what is about 7-8 weeks now. We have been on a total of 7 dates at the rate of one a week.

    I know based on her job that she works crazy hours about 70hrs a week but she does make the time in her week to hangout/go on dates. Each of our dates has been a good time varying in length depending on the day. The last few dates have been at each other’s homes and they did end with sex. I have been on other dates in the mean time but nothing too serious, and I continue to use the app here and there.

    I am getting the sense that I could see myself getting attached to her.

    I do think I would like to try and develop this more and I don’t know if i personally have the capacity to try and develop a relationship when seeing multiple people (have never multi-dated before) So on our last date I brought up a few conversations. I expressed to her that I am having fun and am liking spending time with them, which they reciprocated.

    I then softly brought up the idea of exclusivity which I prefaced by telling her that it’s okay if she isn’t ready and that I’m not trying to pressure her. She told me that “she isn’t there yet, and we don’t really know each other yet” the night ended just fine and we have another date scheduled next week.

    For more background information, she is currently out of town with work and has to drive two hours to get back home and despite that she is still making time to see me next week. Additionally for more background we don’t text a lot but that’s a mixture of both of us not responding right away lmao, so there is not a lot of texts but we do send each other texts at least once a day.

    So my question is how would y’all personally interpret this situation? I am seeing all sorts of advice in similar situations when a girl says she’s not ready like “if it isn’t a yes, it’s a no” or “they are just not that into you” and while that def can be true I would like to hear some more thoughts for my specific situation. I personally would not go through all that effort for someone I did not see anything potential in or you plan on keeping for “attention” or for “security”. But idk people are different!

    (I do also know through my own snooping that she is updating her profile lmao, but again so am I. So no judgement there). I want some thoughts as I am new to modern dating since my last relationship was not through this app haha. Thoughts appreciated!

  27. A girl I went on a date with last week, and then saw a second time on the weekend called me yesterday to interrogate me about my feelings towards her, saying she liked me but felt i was luke warm about her. This is all in 6 days of meeting her.

    She’s right I was luke warm, as I would hope anybody would be about a complete stranger. Anyway, it immediately started to feel like a failing relationship where I felt like I wasn’t able to do enough to keep someone happy and secure.

    Anyway, needless to say this is far too awkward to continue.

  29. Had a work going away dinner for my handsome coworker and afterwards got an Instagram DM that was very “we’re just friends” (not that I had asked him out or anything, but you know the vibe). So that’s a wrap 😅 anticlimactic ending

  30. I’ve been reading The Game out of morbid curiosity. It’s an interesting read as a woman. It does give me some context for the advice people give on reddit lol. It also hits a bit different as a woman struggling with dating/attracting men.

  31. I went on a walk/first meet up with someone yesterday.  We had really had a good series of messages and voice notes for a week or so beforehand and I was really looking forward to it.  But I wore the wrong fucking jeans and spent the entire 2 mile walk pulling my fucking pants up because they were too big.  I was crazy stressed about it, wasn’t able to relax and chat and I’m pretty sure my tension killed the vibe and the match. Cool cool cool

  32. I haven’t responded to the guy who ghosted and then resurfaced a week later. I’m still weighing whether I should. I don’t get tons of matches and even fewer where I feel any attraction. But I’m mostly afraid that even if he engages again, he could disappear in the same way again at any moment. I don’t know if he resurfaced because he’s actually interested or because he just wanted to keep me on a back burner. I don’t know if there’s a way to ask this that would get an honest answer.

    Also though feeling a bit sorry for myself. I feel like I have to make it *as easy as possible* for guys to pursue me, if I put even a tiny amount of resistance (like wanting more of an apology from this dude) I know they won’t bother. Well, even without any resistance they still don’t bother. Makes me feel so unattractive.

  33. My boyfriend is so funny… we were grabbing drinks last night and he randomly asked where I went to get one of my rings cleaned last. I was like, “oh, I just use dawn dish soap and a toothbrush” 😂😂 then he more specifically asked where I bought it, and He brought up the jewelers website that I bought it from and he confirmed the locations, then started to look at ring styles and ask what I thought about them. Them saved an image of one I found pretty

  34. Did second speed date event today, back to back with yesterday. It was fun but no connections. I think what I’m looking for is too specific and apps work better. Nice to have some social interactions though. I think I will keep doing this on the off chance I meet someone, and also to boost my charisma and conversation skills.

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