Given that every date I've had has ended with some variation of this exact line I want to know how to fix it. I'm generally a good conversationalist and have decent humor so it's not like I can't maintain a pleasant, long, and engaging conversation, but that's obviously not attractive so I need to fix what I'm doing.
I've always been a fairly reserved and respectful person, so apart from small compliments (e.g. complimenting their jewelry or outfit) I tend to focus on informational conversation — interests, hobbies, work, travel/life stories, academics, art, media, etc. I have to presume at this point that this is simply too boring.
However, I don't really know what I'm supposed to do differently. Being more directly forward on a first-date from someone I've barely exchanged a dozen messages with from a dating app seems gross and creepy; I kind of presume that women, by default, will see any compliment or remark that has even an allusion to sexuality as being intrinsically offensive, off-putting, and unwanted. I also presume that anything that's more tame like complimenting her "beauty" or otherwise will be seen as trite, meaningless, and shallow.
I don't know what to do on first dates to make any romantic "spark" happen. I think it has to be false that it can't be created through actions/behaviors/etc. given how common it is to hear about guys that "aren't attractive" being successful due to their personality. I legitimately don't know what the difference would be or what is done differently.
What do people actually want to hear or be told on a first-date to make them want a second date? In my experience, being a good conversationalist, good listener, having a decent sense of humor, dressing decently, and having varied interests/hobbies doesn't matter and just comes off as "being a great guy but not creating a romantic spark" ~50 times in a row.
39 comments
Jst be yourself bro
“the spark” is a lie. It’s what people who are addicted to drama first identify in someone who embodies the same energy as the people who hurt them in the past and they’re trying to recreate that same dynamic in an effort to change the outcome. A real, healthy connection is a slow burn, not a spark that suddenly ignites a flame. If you actually went on to form a relationship with any of these people it would be chaotic and if it isn’t, they will create chaos out of boredom or a desire for someone to “fight for me”. Consider yourself lucky. You dodged 50 bullets.
I have found that sometimes people just simply aren’t a match and that’s okay. It’s nothing to beat yourself up about. And I’m not necessarily referring to only romantic relationships. I just mean in general. Sometimes people don’t have anything in common. Some people enjoy the company of people who have a good sense of humor, and others prefer someone who is calm and serious all the time.
You can’t force a spark. Maybe you are picking the wrong women to go out with. I find that a quick FaceTime “date” helps to weed out people and you can tell a lot about attraction with a call
You can’t do or not do anything to change how someone else feels. All you can do is be yourself, communicate openly, and try to put your best foot forward. I’ve literally had a date tell me she doesn’t want to see me again on Friday, and another date be super into me on Saturday. I’m the same guy in both situations. Trying to “make” someone feel something is a recipe for hurting yourself and misleading them.
Yeah, I felt no “spark” with my husband. But I knew from the 1st date that he was the one. Like, I just felt comfortable with him and he made me laugh and he was nice and open. Our conversations were generally boring with nothing sexual or anything; but I still knew he was right for me.
You just have to keep being yourself, be open, of you are funny, that’s a plus. You’ll meet the right person who eventually vibes right with you
Just be yourself, if she’s going to reject someone based on having no spark after a first date then she’s not looking to date let alone have a relationship. People who are looking for a relationship and wanting to date will be looking at who you are as a person and how well you align.
you can’t really do anything to make her feel the spark, you can make good conversation, show interest in her life, thoughts, experiences, show passion about the things that you like, but if she doesn’t match the spirit then there’s no spark, and that’s not on you, different people react differently to the same topic or energy.
there’s also something to say about how online dating has become much faster paced, people want the spark from the beginning, they want to instantly hit it off, when usually hitting it off requires context, being at a bar, in class, in a store, a library, but if the context is the date itself, so it’ll be harder to find a common ground to feel the spark with
I think you need to stop trying to MAKE the spark happen and stop focusing on saying the right thing, and just be confidently yourself. Confidence, and being your real self, are the sexiest things you can be. If they don’t find a “spark” with you, then it wasn’t meant to be and you shouldn’t try to make it. You will find the right one, but be YOU and don’t be worried about saying and doing the right thing.
Man I resonate with this so much. I just got back into dating after being married for 19 years and single for 7.
Went on my first date and had the same experience you describe: was nice, normal, respectful, good listener, asked lots of follow up questions etc. We had a couple of inside jokes that we had developed during our chat on the app etc.
I went into the date cautiously optimistic and over the course of the meet became completely enamored with her. She unfortunately didn’t feel the same.
I was told by people I spoke to about it that I need to bring the spark, create chemistry, hold eye contact, tease a little stuff like that
All of which is completely foreign to me. I go back and forth between “the right one for me will like how attentive and respectful I am” and “maybe I should try to be more fun and flirty”
I will say this, I have been practicing being a bit more confident and forward (not sexually mind you, just with light jokes and such) with other women, other dates I’ve gone on and acquaintances and women I meet
I think there is something to the idea that we need to bring a bit of chemistry with us
If we are too shy, and women have been conditioned to let men lead, who is going to get the party started? I am going to try (not try hard) on future dates to be myself (kind, curious, respectful gentleman) but maybe 10% more fun and bold and see how it goes.
Gentle shoves
Be romantic. Build intimacy. Dont act like a friend. Dont make smalltalk.
Maximize your minutes. Make an impression. Give her a great experience. Leave her wanting more.
This is assuming youve confirmed your goals are compatible already.
After I read the first paragraph, I figured you must be a genuinely warm and respectful guy. And rest of your post reveals exactly that. You’re a good person. And unfortunately, people like us (good in conversation, warm, respectful etc) don’t create enough “spark”.
I have seen women lean and feel drawn to the opposite kind. They won’t admit. But it’s out there and very visible pattern among most women.
Maybe go with the flow more. Try to mirror their approach unless they seem to be feeling awkward. If you go somewhere with music, you don’t have to have as much conversation. I would try taking it a little slower. Sometimes more casual touch can create a spark, like slightly touching a hand or an arm.
Sometimes, you just have to accept you can’t make people feel things for you.
Nothing you can do, but I would say try to be less tactical and more open! Don’t go in with a list of questions to run through; using a couple to start conversations is fine but I hate when I feel like I’m being interviewed.
Tagging on to what other people have said, being yourself includes having fun with it.
You don’t have to be super formulated or anything with your first date conversations. Just enjoy the chat, see where it goes, bring your own, genuine personality to it.
Obviously don’t start trauma dumping or something, but don’t cut yourself down to appear more universally compatible. You want to find the person who appreciates you for exactly who you are.
you need to continue to be yourself, and believe the right ones out there.
maybe adjust your profile to remove specific matches that are really going anywhere… get feedback
There’s nothing you can do. Either the connection and chemistry are there or they aren’t.
Make her laugh.
I think you might be holding yourself back from flirting too much. It doesn’t need to be creepy! But every (most) woman likes to hear she’s attractive from a man she’s interested in (and if you got to the date – there’s some level of interest).
I went on a first date with someone recently who sort of stopped talking about 20 mins in and said “Sorry if I’m staring, I had no idea you were this pretty.” Not sexual or OTT, and I was completely charmed.
Don’t change much, but you can try to talk more about *experiences* than the other things you mentioned, including how experiences made you feel, which can land more than informational conversation.
Informational conversations aren’t fun. You’re probably coming off as boring.
You sound like you’re doing everything right, including being yourself. Sometimes it really just is bad luck and it can’t be helped. And sometimes modern dating ideals and “rules” make people give up on dates too soon.
One potential issue could be that maybe after all this dating, it’s become too much of a routine for you? It can’t feel special, different or personal to the other person, if you’re just going through the motions and keeping things at a very safe, beige and neutral level all the time, on every topic.
Some minor suggestions that might help a bit:
How’s your eye contact?
Like, how do you create a “spark” if the one thing on our faces that gives off those sparks is ignored? When you create eye contact, make sure there’s a positivity to it, like a genuine smile that reaches your eyes, warmth, approachability, some healthy curiosity and interest, that type of thing.
You mentioned loads of decent topics you go through on dates. But you didn’t mention HOW you through them.
Reflect on these:
Could you be talking about these things “too safely”? Not giving much of your actual personality, just saying what feels correct and acceptable (a bit “unfortunate” if your real opinions just happen to be in that typical happy medium 😄). This could be giving a serial dater who’s not really invested in their date vibes.
Could you be talking too much, selfishly always turning it back to you, not really listening to her or reacting enough to her views? Or the opposite, do you not reveal much of yourself, let the date do the talking, and your way of contributing is mostly just asking the next question?
Based on your writing, I doubt the last paragraph could be the issue, but just in case.
Also, maybe putting something a bit more random into your usual date discussions could help bring up some vibes. Asking something harmless that can lead to a variety of answers and loads of little anecdotes could make the date feel a bit more special and like you’ve connected and shared over something. Maybe something like what was your favourite childhood toy, story, or even program, their go to candy bar. That type of stuff. 😁
Good luck, don’t get too discouraged or jaded out there, you seem decent!
It’s a huge relief for me when I can make it through an entire conversation with a guy on a dating app without him trying to flirt.
For me, flirting only means something once you get a sense of who someone is.
I don’t look for a spark, but I do look at how well our communication styles match. Does he get my sense of humor, and is he sharing stuff about himself or just interviewing me…
One thing to keep in mind is that it’s possible that the people saying there’s no spark are saying it for a variety of reasons. But whatever the case, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. A lot of men approach dating like a game, but you will find women who approach how you’re approaching things. It just might take time.
If you’re being yourself, and they don’t feel a spark, then u fortunately that person just isn’t for you. Tbh everything you mentioned sounds so great. Sounds like a wonderful first date. You touch on things that would be important to me. Speaking about hobbies, decently dressed, good sense of humor.
But sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there. And that’s not something you can force.
On the compliment thing, I suggest not complimenting HER so much as something about what she’s wearing or doing. So instead of saying she’s beautiful, say that is such a great dress, or that color looks great on you. It’s far less creepy, while still acknowledging the effort she put into herself. You could also compliment her punctuality or her communication skills. Or compliment her taste in music or movies. Something like that
Dating apps are a trap.
Most women I meet want to go on a walk or for a coffee for the first meet— then another, then another….. like friend stuff…. then it is hard to break out of that. Maybe I am weird, but it seems all weird to get all affectionate walking her dog with her. If you meet someone ‘organically’, some of that friend stuff is already established.
You don’t mention flirting…that would be a good place to start.
Thanks for your time
I had a chick tell me “I never felt this way before about anyone” next day or she went silent lol
Feeling a spark is the norm when majority of people ascertain if they want to go on a second date. It’s stupid if you ask me. Attraction and/or love at first sight are rarely the indicators of a great partner.
Stop dating hot chicks and try a mid or less attractive girl. In my experience pretty women rarely feel a spark whereas less attractive ones are more likely to give a connection a chance over multiple dates. That is because they know their own dating worth or League so to speak. They know they’re not overwhelmed with attention on the apps.
Loose ten pounds. Try again.
You have to touch!
I am the person that does the awkward half hug for a greeting. Let me tell you. I’m bad at it. But the guys who go for the full hug win points in my book. Even the guys that go for the handshake win points.
Because I am bad at the greeting hug… i make sure to current during the date and find an opportunity to touch them. Most often to redirect their attention (tap tap, look at what’s happening over there before you miss it). An easy one is to sip each other’s drinks.
touching doesn’t create the spark, but adds a layer of intimacy to the friendliness.
Im working on this on my own as well.
But people are right that you need to “be yourself”, however that’s only because if the first date feels like a huge effort, then the rest of the relo is not going to be fun at all. However there definitely could be things that you dont know that you’re exhibiting, things like fear, trauma that is transforming your personality which makes people not want to date you. So if that’s the case, you defo need to go therapy or something idk.
Be witty and flirt at least a bit, show that you’re attracted to them so it doesn’t feel like a job interview or smalltalk with a neighbour on an elevator.
Also look like your pictures and present yourself well groomed/dressed/smelling nice etc
Who’s your friend sitting next to you?
If you ask enough girls, one of them will say yes
I’d say you really don’t have to be a perfect conversationalist on a date. What wins me over most is basic manners: holding the door, picking up the bill is nice, not swearing.
I’ve also noticed I pay attention to how a man smells, it genuinely affects whether I’m attracted to him. And feeling safe is key for me, like not crossing my physical boundaries.
When it comes to nice things to say, I actually don’t care much for compliments about my looks they make me feel a bit too “seen” in that way. What I appreciate more are small, thoughtful things, taking care of my safety and comfort.
Listen carefully, ask follow-up questions, but don’t try to make everything feel perfectly scripted. I once went out with a “perfect” guy and it felt like he was performing. Just be natural and respectful and remember, she’s probably a bit nervous too. It’s not all on you.
It’s not Do, or Say or Act A Certain Way. It’s a molecular, pheromone, chemical level thing, with subconscious psychosexual development aspects, family of origin aspects and cultural aspects. Attraction is COMPLEX!!
It’s not your words, your job, your clothes or how nice you are for opening the door and making eye contact. It is NONE of that.
Sorry, just don’t try so hard, try to enjoy being a human with a body and a mind in this complex reality.