Is this a deal breaker for yall? Or has anyone been able to successfully navigate this.
My boyfriend has a SERIOUS aversion to saying "sorry, please, and thank you" to the point of where he basically refuses to say any of these things. Generally he's a respectful person and does a lot of things to show me he cares etc etc etc but this is a very huge issue in our relationship and he doesn't seem to want to budge.
When a conflict happens, I always frame it as "it hurts my feelings when you do XYZ" and I always get met with defense and deflection, and when I mention it would remedy the problem if he would just apologize and acknowledge my pain even if he feels it's unjustified.
Most recently it was because I told him: "I feel like I have to earn your affection and it makes me feel bad and uncomfortable" (won't go into the details behind that story to try to keep this a little shorter)
He said "you don't. You shouldn't feel that way."
Me:"maybe one day you'll apologize"
Him: "I'm sorry you feel that way"
You get the idea. And it's repeated behavior. Is it done for or has anyone had success explaining why this isn't okay? He doesn't seem to understand. He's pretty great otherwise, I don't really have any complaints.
Advice from personal experience appreciated
12 comments
That sounds invalidating and toxic as fuck, why would you put up with that? Clearly has no respect for you.
My ex did the same to me and the relationship ended real bad
Dated someone like that a long time ago, he never appreciated me and he alllllways had to be right. I don’t know how long you have been together but keep in mind that people are at their BEST behavior at the beginning and likely his behavior won’t improve, it will get worse. Apologizing and feeling remorse is an important part of empathy.
What is he apologizing for exactly? What does he do to make you feel like you have to earn his affection?
Couples therapy? Seems like a lot to unpack here. Why do you feel like you have to earn his affection? It seems like he tries to reassure you by saying, “you don’t.” But it also seems like you want more than that? What is he apologizing for? Maybe there is a lot to apologize for, but without knowing his part in this I don’t know what it is. He could be at a loss too.
It makes me wonder if what you’re trying to say is – hey, I love your attention and I want more. I love affection from you and I want more. I love it when you give me words of affirmation and I want more. Can we do something like when we see each other at the end of the day I run and jump into your arms and you give me a million kisses? I’d like to spend part of our nights cuddling/playing games/spending quality time together. (I dunno, I’m just guessing here)
express your desires clearly so your partner knows what you really want. If you need a hug, ask for a hug.
If you need to take time to figure out what you really want, take that time 🙂
And if this is a matter of he needs to take responsibility for his actions – it may be that no one modeled that behavior for him as a kid and he’s not quite sure what to do. Again, therapy foreal.
Good luck!
It honestly depends.
How long have you been dating? How often do you tell him he is hurting your feelings? What kinds of things is he doing?
If you are having regular conflict to the point that you need to start a dialog about how he is hurting you and expecting him to apologize, that is not normal and a pretty glaring sign that you are incompatible.
If you are a very sensitive person (no shade, I am too) and frequently critiquing him for not making you feel loved enough, he may truly just be worn down and over feeling like he needs to constantly apologize. This would be something to explore in therapy.
If he is doing things that are truly hurtful on a regular basis and not apologizing for it, that would be a dealbreaker. There is zero reason to stay in a relationship where your needs are not being met. He’s just a boyfriend. You do not need to settle for a lifetime of not feeling heard just because you are afraid to be alone. Healthy relationships are not marred with conflict!
If it’s unjustified, no, he shouldn’t need to apologize, you need to get over whatever it is and not expect him to apologize for something he shouldn’t be. It didn’t matter if it makes you feel better, it sets a bad, potentially abusive precedent. If it is justified, yes, he needs to learn to say he’s sorry.
As someone that spend my entire dating career of like a decade with this kind of man, it doesn’t get better. You can’t twist an adults arm into empathy. My partner now is the polar opposite and it’s incredible. I remember on our first date he bumped my arm and it didn’t hurt at all and he went “Oh sorry” and I literally felt myself get more attracted to him in that moment. A man apologizing when I didn’t even have to fight for an hour first? Not that I would have for that, but I spent so much time in my twenties being like “You broke my favorite mug?” Him “(Angry) it was an accident” me “… you’re not even sorry?” “What, I’m supposed to grovel over an accident?” Like go to hell, die alone, that was my favorite mug, the least you can do is say sorry lol.
I couldn’t date anyone who didn’t say thank you or please. This is respectful and shows human connection. The no-reflection on his actions (lack of ability to say a simple sorry, I won’t do that hurtful thing again because I love you) is over the top selfish attitude. I’m sorry this is your relationship. Please don’t make a baby with this person.
Break up with him. You can thank me and yourself later
Dude.. don’t deal with him.. DUMP THIS TRASH.
Major deal breaker. My last ex was like this. Any time a conflict came up she would get defensive instead of working through something like a team. She never took accountability for herself and never apologized for anything. I also felt very unappreciated because she very rarely said please or thank you. It was so bad, that I had to tell her that I would like it if she said please and thank you every once in a while.