7 years together, and she recently told me she is breaking up with me.

Context:

  1. My income is about 300-400K pre tax, but 50-50 cash and stock. For stock, I need to pay tax for with cash income.
  2. Her income: about 200-250K pre tax all cash. I am pretty sure she spent most of it, and her saving is less than 20K after 10ish years of working.

Her main trigger for breaking up is that I didn't agree to buy her annual gift this year (she asked for an annual gift of ~10K ("because I am not covering her rent or other daily expense.")

My main reason for refusal: last year, beside the 10K bag I bought her, she bought (with her money) another 20K bag without letting me know. And I think that is a breach of our agreement, and doubt if buying a 10K gift will make her happy or satisfied this year.

Beside the gift, she also told me her financial expectation after marriage is

  1. I buy the house, cover all the household expenses
  2. Her income is for her personal spending
  3. it is not OK for me to expect she will help me, but she may decided to help.
  4. Basically, I can't ask her how much is her willing to contribute to marriage because "If I want to be with her, I wont do that."

I know the gift thing is unfair, but I agreed to the gifting for 2 years, because I think it shows her how much I care for her.

But in retrospective, she doesn't seem to think her ask is unfair at all, and she never actually appreciate my gift.

How can someone be so blind to see their flaw?


9 comments

  3. You have vastly different opinions on how finances should be handled, and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard money is one of the top causes for divorce. So I think it’s best to step away if you know you’ll never align on this

  4. >2. Her income: about 200-250K pre tax all cash. I am pretty sure she spent most of it, and saving is less than 20K after 10ish years of working.

    You stayed with someone for 7 years while they burned through all of there earnings years after year?

    Im not sure what the rest of your post was about, but you need find your self respect and start having standards for the people you date.

    I bet she was rude to hospitality workers as well

  6. Personally the 10k yearly gift and getting to just blow all her money on clothes or whatever after marriage seems absolutely ridiculous to me.  In general I don’t like making a relationship “transactional.”

    I agree it seems very unlikely another 10k bag will make her happy.

    > How can someone be so blind to see their flaw?

    I doubt anyone on the Internet knows enough about her to really answer that, but are her parents wealthy?  Sounds like learned behavior, combined with you enabling it for 7 years.

    Make sure to update us with what she expects you to buy her for an “apology” when she comes back.

  7. Its unfair because *you’re* unwilling to meet it.

    I’m sure there’s someone out there willing to live that way with her with no issue, just like you can find someone to live the way you want to

  8. Sometimes a good shit post is fun and breaks the tension.

    She makes 250K pre tax all in cash and all she has to show after 10 years is 20K? If she hasn’t been paying her taxes, her tax bill is going to be horrendous, which you’ll inherit once you marry her. I’d say that this is so ludicrously fiscally irresponsible that she couldn’t possibly be a real person.

    She did you a huge favour breaking up with you.

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