Good morning everyone!
I went on a date with a guy from one of my college classes. Prior to this, I was making romantic advances with no success whatsoever, I would compliment their personality, looks, and even playfully teased them in class. After a couple of attempts, I finally stopped and started treating the guy like a friend. We completely stopped talking for about a month, when he came back to ‘catch up.’
I agreed as we haven’t spoken and It’s always nice to catch up with a friend. I still had feelings for him as he was quite attractive but I went into this meet up with my mind over my heart. I didn’t flirt or take his jokes as a sign of “Maybe he likes me.” I kept it friendly.
Afterwards, I had messaged him to meet up again. Something felt off. But he messaged back saying he had a great time but didn’t feel the romantic connection. I felt terrible but I told him that it’s totally ok (as i did nothing to make the meet up feel romantic). But now, I feel as if I lost a friend…thats the only part that stings.
Im unsure of what to do. I’m too embarrassed to ask my family, friends, or peers they only know that it didn’t work out. But I feel like Reddit always has the answers. I like the guy a lot, but I don’t see a way of reconciling this awkward moment.
1 comment
You wanted to protect yourself, right? That’s why you only showed any platonic interest, zero flirting etc. You can do that, but you cannot simulataneously play the game with that mindset. There are always consequences attached to making any kind of move. And, even not making any move, say you wanna prioritize your comfortzone, avoiding risks, avoiding rejection…even that comes with consequences and risks.
It at least appears as if you tried to meet two contradicting objectives:
You’re still into him, so you met him, but at the same time you desperately tried to reduce risks, you didn’t show any of the things that really drive you, e.g. your attraction to him. To protect yourself, but that can in turn very well communicate a lack of attraction and interest. And, you’d then destroy the potential that might’ve existed. The only good and real way to truly protect yourself is to not play at all, meaning you sacrifice your potential. With that investment, with that price you pay, you buy yourself that comfortzone, the ability to avoid rejection.
There is either your potential, which requires you to take risks and potentially get hurt, or, there is safety and your comfortzone, but the price for that ability to avoid risks and remain in your comfortzone is your potential, e.g. with this guy. You tried to get the best of both worlds. That is always doomed to fail. And, it is that very mindset that in reality extracts the biggest price, it has the by far steepest price. That illusion of safety, the idea you can get the best of both worlds is very costly. Because, you get close to someone, you ‘befriend them’ (ouch), you still hope, you think, you imagine, you fantasize, and subsequently your attraction increases more and more and your expectations will explode. But, at the same time, you will give mixed signals or the wrong signals. Out of fear, right? So, in the end, you could very well stumble into a scenario where you then pay double:
You get closer, you get more attracted, you start fantasizing, it and the guy occupy vast amounts of your thoughts and emotions, but you kill your chances by allowing your fear to dictate your actions and communication, and so, even though you want him, you ‘communicate’ you don’t want him. out of fear. If you take that path, if you succumb to that illusion of safety, the idea that there is this golden path that allows you to get the reward without any risks, you get close and then get disappointed, but simulteanously doomed the whole endeavor with the simultaneous mindset and empahsis: I wanna protect myself and avoid risks.
As I said, that’s as if you pay double. A much better way is to fully appreciate the rules of the game:
Either you take risks but can maybe realize your potential, get this or another guy you want, and you are willing to pay for that potential by risking rejection and you go all in and then actualy have a chance to win. Or, you completely stay away and consciously choose to sacrifice your potential because here and now you choose to stay safe and avoid risks, and youre willing to pay for that with your potential.
You tried to get both: The reward, without taking risks. Im not surprised he didnt react that much initially when you flirted a bit etc. Making moves is quite risky, he most likely wasn’t sure initially what exactly you want of him. Tons of women just wanna play and flirt, doesnt mean they really want the guy. Then he takes some risks and makes a move on you, but you just give purely friendzone vibes. You’re being incongruent. That’s why you feel like shit now. If you truly only saw him as a friend, if you truly only wanted him as a friend….
You wouldnt be disappointed now.
You are disappointed because you tried to play a game. You tried to fake that you only see him as a friend even though that isn’t true. As I said, if you really went too far with that, then it’s likely you (in)voluntarily communicated you’re not much interested in him and then he pulled back. Meaning, it’s not unlikely at all, that you two miss out on each other not because there is no attraction, and not even because either one of you or both of you are not available (someone else in the picture) but because you didn’t want to accept the rules of the game and then allowed your fear to dictate your actions and you gave him the impression you don’t even want him.