You see it all the time, you or someone you know goes on a date and everything seems to be going well. No red flags. Conversation is easy, you have a lot in common, similar views on life, etc. Then it seems inevitably one person says something along the lines of "I'm just not feeling a spark", and that's it you never see them again. Its like they expect birds to start chirping when they see their date for the first time, and if they dont then it means it can never work. Why?
Where did this idea of a spark or butterflies come from? What does that even mean? Why does it signal someone is right for you? How can you know that if you barely know the person?
I realized a couple years ago that the best relationships I've ever been in were ones that I didn't feel a "spark" on the first date, and that its an unrealistic expectation that ends in one party self-sabotaging. These relationships were ones where I kept getting to know them, found them more and more attractive with each date, tried to understand who they are as a person and what their values are. This maybe applies more to people you meet through apps than someone you've met organically and known for a little bit. Think about it, how are you supposed to judge how well suited you are for someone based off what you know about them after a couple hours? You barely know them, so why do you expect them to make you feel giddy right away, and if they dont why does that mean you shouldn't see them anymore? How can anyone judge if a date is right for them within a couple hours (outside of obvious red flags)?
To expect some kind of internal epiphany that you've met the one and decide your future together within one date is absurd when you think about it. When you make friends with someone do you just give them one chance and if you're not best friends by the end of the day then you never want to see them again? No, so then why do it for potential romantic partners? How are you supposed to get to really know someone if you only go out with them once?
Strong relationships are built and they grow over time with intention. I can't tell you how many people I know that have married someone they initially were unsure about, almost broke up with, or didn't even consider in the first time. Hint, its more than those that felt a "spark" on the first date.
I dont really know where this is going, I'm kinda ranting here. I know this probably sounds like im just bitter about some recent date that said they dont feel a spark, but that's not it. I haven't even tried to go on a date for a few months now for job related reasons. I just think we all need to do better in giving each other a chance. Realize romance doesnt play out like a movie, and that attraction for one another can grow over time.
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C’mon dude let people decide whatever they want from their partner 🤷
Spark, stability, effort – it’s upto the individuals.
I definitely understand your points, especially with building things over time. I don’t know if my take is helpful to you, but I like having “sparks” even with platonic relationships. To me, spark just means that I get a “wow this person is cool I would like to get to know them and spend time with them more”. Maybe the conversation was nice… but I didn’t feel like I’d want to get to know them more. I don’t care what the situation is, if I don’t *feel* like I want to chat more with you, I won’t. If I talk to you for over an hour and I feel nothing why the heck would I go on?? Not every situation will operate this way and that’s okay, but I don’t think it’s wrong to want a spark when you’re getting to know a stranger.
I think there is two different types of spark – the typical “spark” of “this person is interesting and I like them and would like to know more about them”… that is a spark that is essential. you can’t date someone if you don’t enjoy spending time with them and aren’t attracted to them.
but I think what you’re moreso talking about (which I agree with you wholeheartedly) is that huge unexplainable feeling of “this is THE ONE” that is ridiculous. that type of epiphany is not something that just happens in a healthy relationship. and I do agree this movement is ruining dating.
It’s very unlikely that you’ll instantly know who’s your person. It’s more likely that you instantly know who is not.Â
From the woman’s perspective, it usually means they aren’t attracted in a sexual way to the man
Everyone’s situation is different imo. Sparks/butterflies are a nervous system/somatic response to a stimulus.
Whether that be another person, a situation, an event, the environment, etc.
I do understand what you are saying and I’m kinda on the same boat as you. I have lowered my expectations if sparks or butterflies are involved because it has always seemed impulsive to me. While impulsive relationships are fun & exciting they are also chaotic and short term in my experience. It’s hard to go from that initial “high” to the “maintenance level”. It’s even worse if you set the bar high for yourself because it leads to those situations which you describes where one party begins to sacrifice themself for the other party’s needs.
If there is no spark I wont do a 2nd date.
I am a very passionate woman who craves chemistry, and sexual compatability.
I think a lot of it is on a subconscious pheromone body chemistry level.
I was in a relationship for a decade that was boring passionless and at the end outright unhealthy. I never want to experience something like that again.
I think a lot of people have an issue with “the spark”, because it is vague and because they put too much stake on a pleasant date. But it is not hard to have a pleasant brief interaction with somebody you aren’t attracted to or compatible with, you both just have to be not horrible people and the date will be fine, but there is usually more needed for romantic interest. And the other person is watching you the whole time, too: it’s what you say, it’s how you speak, it’s how you look, it’s how you move – all verbal and non-verbal cues. That is already a lot of information to let them know if they enjoy spending time with you, which is the only point of importance for the first date and a necessary requisite for wanting more.
Anytime I’ve been on dates with someone and didn’t feel a spark and my friends said to keep going on dates and see if it would pick up, it’s never gone anywhere. You do need to feel a connection or that “feeling”. It’s subconscious. If I don’t feel some sort of feeling, sexual or physical attraction on a first date or this spark, then it’s not going to work out. Whenever I’ve tried and kept going on more dates, I ended up ending it eventually because it was still the same.
The “butterflies” feeling is actually your nervous system alerting you… everyone romanticizes the feeling but your nervous system is actually picking up on a theat…
The “spark”… if you haven’t experienced it, im sorry. Sometimes you just know if a person is the right person for whatever connection you’re looking for… right doesn’t mean forever but it is a person who carries a similar spark and will help you grow in whatever connection you’re looking for.
Please do not speak for everyone.
Butterflies may exist, but I believe that when a woman says she doesn’t feel the ‘spark’ what she means is, she’s not attracted to you at all, but just wants to let you down gently. If you’re not attracted at all, there’s no point in continuing.
Very well said! If I were a teenager I might expect the spark thing, but for older adults we should more than know it takes time to know someone and build a relationship..
I think there’s too many shitty aspects of dating for one thing to be the sole reason dating is being ruined, but the spark thing is particularly weird imo. I don’t understand it and the explanations I’ve seen don’t seem to match with reality very often.Â
Me (24m) and my current girlfriend (24f) didn’t have an immediate spark on the first date. But we felt pretty comfortable around eachother and had some things in common. We kept chatting daily and started to like eachother more and more to know where we want to be close to eachother, which we didn’t have really at first.
Imo people just gotta put effort into it and don’t expect to immediately love the other. Atleast thats the way we went into it and I can truly say we really like eachother now