I'm (28f) currently seriously considering leaving my marriage and husband (34m) of 2 years, but unable to pull the plug due to uncertainty. I am just curious if anyone has experienced this before from their spouses/partners/exes.
For context, he's not cheated, he's not hit me, but he's narcissistic and emotionally abusive. Since marriage two years ago he's made various comments about my body not being skinny enough for him, the food I eat and not doing exercises at the gym to reduce my tummy or accusations of not working out hard enough. Despite this, he doesn't really do much to help me lose weight and expects me to combat weight loss alone. I don't really need to lose weight, I'm 72kg (158 pounds) at 5'7. He just wants me to for his preference of flat tummies
When I finally got the courage to challenge him he doubled down saying it was honesty and that I'm being too sensitive. But when I finally told him I was thinking of leaving he backed down and said he was joking and he didn't think I was fat. He said he won't ever say those comments again which is great but I'm still slightly anxious that he thinks them, he just doesn't say them anymore. He still says non targeted comments such as how skinny is prettier etc which whilst they're not directed at me still make me feel a bit self conscious.
We also haven't had children yet but are thinking about it in the future.
I just really struggle because he acts like everything's fine and happy and I've told him I'm hurting but he just says h doesn't know what I want him to do about it. He withholds affection and compliments and says if they happen too often they lose meaning or I already know I'm attractive so I don't need compliments otherwise my ego will get too big. When I repeated these to him he says they're jokes.
I just struggle. He is so caring to other people like family and friends and strangers. He cleans and does most of the cooking then just sometimes turns when I try and open up emotionally. I'm nervous to even tell him I feel sad over things he's said in the past because he will have a go at me for still bringing up things said months or years ago. I am really struggling to forget them. I think about them daily.
Edit: typo
26 comments
He is not being “honest,” he is being cruel to keep you insecure. At 5’7 and 158 lbs, you are at a perfectly healthy weight. The fact that he wants you to have a “flat tummy” like you are a customized doll rather than a human being is a major red flag for how he will treat you if you ever get pregnant and your body naturally changes.
When he says hurtful things and then claims it was a “joke” only after you threaten to leave, he is practicing a classic manipulation tactic. He didn’t stop thinking those things; he just realized he was about to lose his “emotional punching bag” and adjusted his strategy to keep you around.
The fact that he withholds affection and tells you that compliments will “make your ego too big” is a way to keep you seeking his validation. He wants you to feel small so you never realize you are actually too good for him. Do not have children with a man who thinks your value is tied to the flatness of your stomach. If he is “caring” to strangers but emotionally abusive to his own wife, his kindness to others is just a performance. Listen to your gut and leave before his “jokes” destroy your self-esteem for good.
You’re being abused and should leave. Hope this helps 🩷
Didn’t really need to read further than “he’s narcissistic and emotionally abusive”. Please don’t reproduce with this creature and leave him
I’m sooooo sorry ❤️🩹 It likely won’t get better. Plus it will stay in your head forever. You will have that in your head if you get pregnant with him.
I don’t think you should stay with him but marriage is a big commitment. Maybe people who have gone through a divorce could give better guidance on that aspect
You are thinking about having kids with an emotional abusive partner? Having grown up with a narcissistic and emotional abusive mother, I am feeling quite angry with you. Why do you want to bring kids in this world that will be abused and will have life long trauma?
> How do you deal with fat/body/appearance shaming from partner?
You don’t. You say “stop now” and leave when he doesn’t.
He’s emotionally abusive, and he’s backing down until he convinces you to have children with him at which point he believes you will be trapped…
Never have children with an abusive person.
He doesn’t cheat or hit you.
The bar couldn’t be any lower.
Leave. Instantly lose 200lb.
you deal with them by leaving
Great to hear you haven’t had children with this child.
You deserve better, and yes 100% you should leave. Don’t ever look at “he hasn’t cheated or hit me” as an excuse to stay with someone who is actually still abusive.
You deal with it by leaving. 😘
How do you deal? You don’t. You leave him. This isn’t normal behavior from someone who loves and cares about you.
Hes being cruel, you should leave him if he narcissistic and emotionally abusive. What if he does the same to your future kids if you do decide to have them? If your kids see him treating you this way they will think that this is normal and okay and either treat others like this or put up with this kind of behaviour when they shouldn’t.
For your sake leave him. A bad husband will also be a bad father. You are fine the way you are.
How do you deal with it?? You tell him to go F himself and walk out the door. This will 1000% get worse, not better.
DO NOT have children with this man. You will absolutely regret giving your children a horrible father.
Emotional abuse is still abuse. He doesn’t cheat or hit you, but make you feel like shit. That’s abuse.
Also, can you imagine being pregnant controlling what you eat because your partner will be watching every kg you gain? I also see cheating because “her body is not the same after the kids” bullshit. Your belly will not be the same after pregnancy.
You deserve better.
I’m 5’7″ and 176 pounds and my bf tells me all the time how hot he thinks I am. It’s not YOU, it’s HIM. Go find someone who makes you feel GOOD, friend! 😊
So you’re thinking of having kids with a guy who is emotionally abusive?
My wife is 5’3” 160 and sexy af… I’m sure you are too.
Don’t even think about having kids unless this gets corrected. You want someone who loves you as you. Someone who ho builds you up, not break you down. Get some counselling for the both of you and if this doesn’t get fixed I think you should consider leaving.
You already say he’s narcissistic and emotionally abusive, why would you even be near him?
He’d treat a daughter like this, too. Do not have children with him. You’ll be raising future victims (or future abusers).
When does the “uncertain” part of the post start? Fuck this jabroni.
The dude is awful. Do not bring children into this.
> He withholds affection and compliments and says if they happen too often they lose meaning or I already know I’m attractive so I don’t need compliments otherwise my ego will get too big.
I had an ex that used to say this and it really screwed with my brain chemistry, I think. It made me feel like I never deserved compliments and kept me chasing his approval. If someone complimented me in his presence, I would get so nervous and anticipate his rejection of those compliments in private. I would count calories, try to lose weight, try to be more interesting, less upset, take it all with a smile but nothing ever worked. Never heard a good word from him unless I threatened to leave but even then it would be a day or two before we went back to the same shit.
It put me off of dating for several years because I had to go to therapy to work on my eating disorder, and rebuild my self worth.
Currently (for the last 4 years) I’ve been with someone who absolutely showers me with compliments every day. I cannot go a day without hearing the word “gorgeous” “beautiful” “pretty.” For the first year or so, I didn’t want to hear it — kept thinking they’re just lying to me, trying to butter me up. I kept waiting for the day they’d tell me I had too much and didn’t deserve compliments anymore. My eating disorder came back with a vengeance because I figured “They’re just saying that cuz when we met I was 50kg, so I need to stay 50.” (I have since gone up to a heathy 57kg, and nothing has changed in terms of compliments). The first time someone on the street complimented me (a woman, passing by, looked at me and said “you’re so pretty!”), I got so anxious as to what their response would be. But instead of shaming me in private, they kept repeating that compliment for a whole week. “You’re so pretty, even someone passing you by for *a second* could see it!!” My head hasn’t exploded. My ego isn’t too big. Those words still mean as much as they did the first time my partner complimented me, because, as it turns out, he doesn’t decide how much those words mean — *I do.*
Please leave, you don’t need this level of abuse to constantly keep you shrinking and wondering your worth. It does fuck with your brain in the long run and keeps you distrustful and its absolutely not worth it just to keep his own ego inflated over yours.
Please double and triple your birth control
He’s awful to you to wreck your confidence.
He wants to make you small and controllable.
Run fast and run far. This isn’t love
Your creep of a husband is being cruel and abusive to you, and he’s enjoying it. The only time he was temporarily stopped is when you threatened to leave. That should tell you that he values you as a verbal punching bag and not as a loving partner. If you have a child with him, I feel sorry for that child because he or she will have a spineless, needy Mom and a cruel, evil, selfish Dad. Just look at what you wrote. If you are willing to accept years of verbal cruelty, then stay. If you have even a shred of self respect, you’ll go.
I scrolled a bit, but I didn’t see my first thought: you need to find a counselor and delve into the reasons why you are willing to accept a partner like this. My guess is that he showed this part of him earlier in your relationship but you decided to stay with him anyway. You deserve better and don’t want to repeat this with someone else. Your future self will than you for doing the work.
I dealt with it by getting divorced. Turns out my mental health greatly improved and I lost about 50 lbs in the 2 years after. It’s a lot easier to take care of yourself when you’re not depressed.
I wanted to edit this to add – I do have children with this person, and they are very young elementary school aged and already I can see their fathers issues with weight being transferred onto them at an age where it is wholly inappropriate. 6 year olds should not say things like “I don’t want to wear a coat when it’s winter because it makes me look fat” or be afraid to use more than a teaspoon of ranch for their chicken nuggets. Health is important yes, but that’s almost always a guise people use to hide the fact that they’re actually only worried about weight and appearance, not overall health. Just something to consider especially now that you’re thinking of children. How would you feel seeing your husband talk to your kids the way he talks to you? Because he absolutely will do so.