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Date number 3 tonight.
we’re connecting pretty well in just the two dates we’ve had so far. Would a small Christmas gift be too much? Seems a bit much this early on (not even sure what I’d get her TBH), but maybe I’m just not well calibrated in this regard.
Damn
The niche (maybe?) song my LDR 2nd love ex sent me a few months after our break up just randomly came up a random mix “Melancholy Pop” youtube music made for my other account that didn’t listen to that song then IIRC so not sure how it made its way in. Didn’t really say anything else to each other at the time, wished each other well, she just wanted to send it to me after months of NC.
Still brought a tear to my eye, a few relationships and almost 2 years later.
> If all of the stars align in the sky
> Then I would be yours and you would be mine
> But not in this life, it’s not the right time
> It’s not you and I
The beauty to have loved and lost. I have moved forward with my life and am able to emotionally embrace new people, and yet, I retain a piece of my past loves.
In other news, came back now to be with family this holiday. I have opened up to dating apps here, but also am seeing someone closer to back home but in another country, and also talking out in another state too. And someone who I had liked probably over a month ago matched me back in my home city as I was flying over to my family lol
Edit: thank you for input!
Are these ok pics for a profile? Any definite do not incudes? I hate taking pictures so I don’t have a ton to choose from ugh
Looks like it’s over with the woman I’ve been seeing since late October.
Things had been going pretty slowly but steadily. She’d tell me how she really liked me and that she was thinking about me a lot. She’d initiated good morning/night texts. Our last date, last weekend, was wonderful, and I also met her mom and some of her friends. She often suggested future things we could do together, especially over the holidays.
This past week, though, she suddenly pulled back. She stopped communicating and then about a day later said that she’s overwhelmed by how fast things are happening (along with some other stuff she’s dealing with) and that she needs to spend the holidays alone thinking things through. She volunteered that we could instead have a phone date this past weekend, but she’s yet to even reply to my last text Saturday morning. At this point, I assume she’s either working up the nerve to end it or ghosting in the hope I’ll end it for her.
In retrospect, the clues she could be like this were always there. For the most part, I’m already over it. And that’s a shame, because I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman I had so much in common with. Even if she does come back, I’m not sure I’m open to it anymore. I deserve better than someone who runs away like that, especially right before Christmas.
People were talking on yesterday’s thread about how a year of dating was more than enough time to spend the holidays with family. I’m curious how many of you feel comfortable doing that so soon. My family is kinda oldschool on this – if you brought a partner home for Christmas, they’d expect you were announcing an engagement.
When do you give something more time, and when do you cut it off?
The last person I dated, I ended things after about four months because we just weren’t moving forward. It started off really intense and became serious pretty quickly, but over time it flattened out. That lack of momentum didn’t sit right with me, so I broke it off. I was sad about it, but in a healthy, manageable way.
Now I’ve been dating someone else for three weeks (including sleepovers and spending days together). There’s quite a bit of baggage on their side (not necessarily extreme or a red flag, but definitely relevant). Aside from that, we’re actually pretty similar people, which makes me wonder whether it’ll be hard for us to be truly warm and open with each other. Our connection is intellectually and emotionally deep, funny, and engaging, physically it’s very good, but somehow it’s not very warm. We’re not doing the cutesy things, or verbally showing each other how we feel.
I’m not naturally a super warm person either, but I do open up when the other person brings that energy. When I feel safe, I give back, and I don’t mind initiating. Still, it feels a bit like a stalemate.
So I keep going back and forth:
Do I just cut it off now before it goes any further?
Or is that too premature, and would more time allow something to open up or grow?
There’s not really anything wrong exactly. I just find it hard to be vulnerable in this situation, and I’m afraid that continuing to date will eventually lead to someone getting hurt, probably me. He already said he needs time to get to know someone. I do too, in a way, but for me past dates that turned into LTR’s were usually with people with a bit more lab retriever energy (as opposed to my black cat energy), and within a few weeks it was already pretty clear we were very much into each other. Dating a fellow black cat is a bit new and hard to navigate for me.
How long would you usually give something like this?
How do you decide whether to walk away or stay a little longer?
God, dating really is a minefield.
The person in front of me paid for my peppermint mocha today 🥰
Also, my lily plant (that I replaced) isn’t quite dead actually so I moved it to a more sunny place closer to the sink so I can monitor it more closely and am hoping to rehab her! My plants are typically a reflection of how I’m doing inside and I haven’t really killed one in quite a long while. I’be also got a rabbit’s foot fern that’s on its last legs, we’ll see. I put those watering bulbs in any of my plants when I’m worried about them not getting the right amount of water, I moved them around and will try to keep an eye out.
I’m starting to feel more like myself again 🙂 🙂 🙂 it’s like I sealed part of myself in a drawer and forgot about it, if I had to describe the feeling.
Looking for advice/commiseration – I’m finally giving in to try online dating since I haven’t magically met someone at the grocery store or while out doing hobbies yet.
However, I’m not the best looking person and look even worse in photos. It’s preventing me from completing any dating profiles since they need pictures. I did get a combination selfie stick/camera stand thing so will try using that for slightly more flattering photos.
But I guess it’s just hard to put yourself out there in the world of swipe-based apps when you know not many people are going to swipe. I miss the old days of OKCupid where they had a site with a long questionnaire for matching.
Anyone else in a similar situation? How do you handle it?
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Feeling sad at being alone for Xmas. Seeing all my friends posting photos of them with partner/kids/dog and hits you even harder that you’re alone (just split from my partner). Want to be so happy for my closest friends – and I am: one expecting a baby in a couple of months; one about to propose…. But I come home, close the door and just sob. I also know social media just portrays the happy things – nobody will post a photo of themselves mid-argument, but seeing it all makes the holiday time even harder. Anyone else feeling this way?
I’m feeling ready to jump back to the dating apps but it’s probably a really bad time to do it, right? In the sense that it might waste my initial algorithm buff during a time when most people won’t be using the app, and I should wait until something like the second week of January.
Does that make sense? Or am I just finding an excuse to delay the potential rejection coming my way when I do get back?
I think it’s time for me to quit the apps. I’ve paused and unpaused my profile a bunch of times, and I just don’t seem to get much in the way of exposure to people anymore (guessing because hinge doesn’t like that I don’t pay for a subscription or roses etc). As a 35f, I’m getting about 1-2 likes per week. And the guys I send a like to, even with a message, don’t match me back.
I wouldn’t say I’m unattractive, but I’m not really feminine, so I do wonder if the apps are really suited for someone like me. I have a nice enough face but without makeup or feminine clothing, I might be more of a “attractive personality” kind of person, which is a hard sell on the apps. This is also an insecurity of mine, so the lack of matches tends to make me wonder about this a lot more than if I was simply off of the apps.
Might just be time for me to try meetups and such to start meeting new people in person instead.
I had a really intense weekend. I have this friend/ex who I’ve been in no contact with for several months that I finally saw on Saturday. I really value his friendship and I’ve been trying to move through some of the more complex feelings (specifically around the other relationship he’s in) and be there as Just A Friend. I’ve known about his current partner for like this entire year but we haven’t talked about it a lot because he knows it’s kind of a sore subject (partially the reason we stopped talking for a bit too).
It was wonderful to see him but I do feel the pain and emotional hangover of it now. As part of our agreement to reconcile I’m trying to let him be more open talking about his relationship and not have these ‘off topic’ parts of our lives. I’m glad to be moving forward but I’ve gotta admit it still hurts. Like to have him reject me whole heartedly then have to hear about and watch him get deeply involved with another person… it’s just…… not the best. It’s harder too when I’m totally single right now and my last dating attempt crashed and burned pretty badly. We’re going to somewhat keep our distance and not be as intertwined as before but I’m upset with myself for feeling this hurt still. I really thought I could handle it a little better. I’ll be okay just getting this off my chest a bit so thank you dear readers.
My focus this next year is on getting back to my core sense of self as much as possible and really elevating who I am and what I want for myself. I’ve spent so much energy trying to win over people who are ambivalent about me romantically and I don’t want to do it anymore.
On my end, the number one conversation killer seems to be telling someone I need more than just 1 date from a month ago to feel any romantic/sexual attraction LOL.
My hookup is away home for Christmas and text me out of the blue about a book we’d spoken about, as well as sending over the author’s obituary because of how incredibly hilariously callous it was. He mentioned other books he’s reading too.
We don’t text outside of arranging to meet but I’m no longer someone who believes this means anything deeper than what it is. The old me would think it means he wants something more, but I recognise these days that he likely just wants to chat.
When he’s back I’ll ask him if he wants to go on an actual date or just to keep things casual. I think I know the answer but I have to ask just in case. I will miss him and our conversations if he says no, I think I’d find it hard to keep it casual. I’ll miss our connection and lying in his arms while we talk about films and the way he readily accepts all my stupid bits (he either humours me or is genuinely happy to talk about if you can get a ghost and a zombie from the same person, and if the medieval rack would feel good for the first couple of seconds)
[Rant] 36F — Had two dates with a dude back in May. We had sex, it was decent, but it was pretty clear even then that he’s not the type to put in much effort, and I’m not interested in carrying/driving a relationship. So the slow fade happened, which was totally fine with me.
Fast-forward to a couple of days ago, and lo and behold, who is in my DMs but this dude from May. I’m really trying to focus on and nourish relationships with true connection and I figure, what’s the harm in giving this dude another shot? Well, conversation is predictably dry and dull, like just no real reciprocation / substance from him, but whatever… I tried my best to get conversation going and be engaged/engaging, but there’s only so much I can do so I’m slow fading again… he’ll get bored eventually.
And then this morning, out of nowhere, he starts sharing sexual fantasies he has, and then “reminiscing” on the ONE time we had sex. Says, and I quote, *”I goon to you is a helluva compliment to end 2025 with”*. What in the actual fuck (and what does that even mean?!). And like, the funniest / stupidest part of it is, if he’d put in *slightly* more effort conversationally, and/or asked me on an actual date instead of launching into sexual talk, he probably could have gotten laid for real.
Had a docs appt today and it nothing but good news. Things are looking up. I can drive again, I’ve got a date on Friday, I don’t even care if it doesn’t go anywhere (though I hope it does) I’m just excited to be living and back to a level of normalcy. Cheers 🍻
So I’ve (34F) been seeing this guy (37M) for 7 weeks, though talking for 9 ish. We have had 5 really nice dates, lots of laughing, unbelievable sex during the last three. We’ve talked a lot about our past experiences in relationships and what we are looking for. I really feel comfortable with him and if it continues like this, I could see this becoming really serious. Downside is that I am currently in my home country for the holidays and when I get back, he will leave a week later to go to South Africa for two months. I find this more annoying than really a major concern, but he seems to think it’s a bigger deal.
We had a talk yesterday in which he said that he had discussed it with a friend and that the friend said I must not be the one for him because he doesn’t feel like he’s in love, desperate to talk to me every day, or that he should no longer go on his trip. He asked me what I thought and I frankly would find it a bit creepy if he cancelled a long-planned two month holiday for some woman he had known for two months. I certainly don’t feel in love with him or truly desperate every day to talk to him either, but I really enjoy spending time with him and I want to keep doing that. For me, all the ingredients are there for falling in love, but I can’t fall in love after 5 dates. I’ve experienced love bombing before so anything really hot and heavy in the beginning feels weird and unsafe.
After we talked, he said that he also thought that he could see himself falling in love with more time, and that maybe it is healthier to not feel it now. (He also hasn’t dated that much I think because he was in a relationship for 11 years.) He asked if I thought we could build a life together when he gets back from South Africa and I said that I didn’t know but listed the reasons why I liked him and wanted to see where it goes. He then mentioned things that he likes about me. We set a date for when I am back and that was that.
I’m cautiously optimistic, but I find it a bit concerning that he/his friend thought he should be in love after 5 dates with someone you met online. Maybe I’m too jaded, but that no longer seems realistic to me, at least if you’re looking for something sustainable.
I’m halfway through my Christmas vacation from work already. It’s funny how it takes so long to get here and then somehow flies by once it finally does. Everyone kept encouraging me to go away or make big plans, but honestly, what I really needed was to crawl into bed, turn my phone off, and mentally recharge for a bit.
Unfortunately that didn’t quite happen at first. The past couple of weeks ended up being way busier than I expected and then I got hit with that flu that’s been going around, but now as Christmas gets closer, things are finally slowing down. I have a small get-together tonight with friends to exchange gifts (which I’m genuinely looking forward to), and after that I have zero plans until well after Christmas. Exactly what I needed.
Dating-wise, things have been slower as well. I officially/finally deleted all of my dating apps for my “annual winter break”. It was a mix of them being incredibly quiet and just feeling generally burned out by OLD. I will say, I lasted longer than usual this year since I’m normally off of them by the second week of December.
I was also multidating earlier in the month, but the [Christmas fade](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/DktM9FtKkw) showed up right on schedule. For one reason or another, those connections naturally dwindled down to just one. It’s funny too, during my last therapy session of the year last week I was telling my therapist about the two women I’d been currently seeing… and as we were wrapping up the session, I got a text from one of them saying she didn’t feel a romantic connection and wished me well. Now that’s timing!
So for the holiday week, the plan is simple: rest, focus on myself, and see where things go with the one person I’m still seeing. If it doesn’t work out, I’m giving myself permission to stay off the apps until spring. For now, I’m just trying to enjoy the quiet, the time off, and whatever this season brings before it’s back to work and real life again.
I got comments from 2 separate people today about me not having kids. I guess this is my life now 🙄
In my quest to try a new coffee shop every weekend, I’ve twice run into a guy that I went on one date with (and slept with) a year or so ago. The first time I didn’t recognize him, and he texted me the next day saying how good it was to see me. The second time, I said hello to him. It’s just wild, like what are the odds?
All i want to do right now is troll the shit out of men on dating apps so I’m gonna stay off of them….
How do you feel about people you’ve been on one date with sending you family photos? Guy I went on a first date with is visiting family for the holidays, I asked how his trip was and he sent multiple pics with his family (parents, siblings, nieces/nephews). Totally harmless, but we don’t know each other like that?
Part of me has the ick about it but also wondering if it’s a me thing?
Just hating on how cheesy Christmas movies are while eating Haribos on my bed… alone 🙃
Neighbour is insisting that I should come over for Xmas dinner to theirs as I’ll be alone. I’m dreading going in neighbour’s house for this dinner – I really DO love my time alone with good food, good movie in my comfort zone. My friends left me their puppy and kitten for Xmas so I’m not even alone – I’m sorted!
But I know, they’ll be coming over leaving me a big chunk of food if I don’t show up at theirs.
Soooooo, I have no idea what to give them back!
1) should I bake a cake?
2) should I buy a beautiful plant as a gift (but they may die in winter)
3) box of chocolates?
I can, of course, pretend not home but I wouldn’t be able to fake it: planning to watch movies using my projector and good loudspeakers and the tree is on.
What would you give a neighbour in such circumstances?
Had a 3rd date this weekend with someone I’ve been seeing. The messages between the dates have been… lacking, like once a day texts with five words.
In person, there’s a physical and mental connection. I brought this up last time as “I’d really like to get to know you better” and she told me she’s just been really busy. Now it’s gotten worse, I’m hearing every other day from her.
The kicker is that she’s been upfront about not seeing anyone else, and that she’s been talking with her friends about me. Texted them quite a bit on our last date too.
I’m trying to be better embracing the lesson that I can’t change who someone is. I’m just hoping she is right about being busy and I’m catching her outside of who she normally is.
Friday, I had a lunch date with a woman I met online. I was honestly not super excited going into it, but it went extremely well. We ended up getting coffee afterwards. As we were parting ways, I wasn’t sure whether I should kiss or hug, so I went for the hug, and then afterwards asked if I could kiss her. She giggled and said “Sure”.
We kept texting over the weekend. She got sick (she was actually coughing during the date) and apologized if I ended up getting sick because of it. I told her it was 100% worth it. Late Sunday, she was lamenting the fact that she didn’t have the energy to go get coffee. I offered to bring her some, she was delighted by the prospect, and gave me her address. I brought over the coffee, she invited me in, we talked, and ordered pizza. There for three hours. She was wearing sweats, her hair was messy, she had bags under her eyes, no makeup, and the whole time I could not stop thinking about how beautiful she looked. Before I left, I gave her a long hug goodbye and I gave her a forehead kiss.
It was so wonderful I had a hard time falling asleep. I was trying to remember the last time I was this excited about something and I realized it was when I adopted my puppy last year 😊
I’m having the most bizarre and unique experience I’ve ever had on a dating app. There’s this girl I’m talking to, who just goes on these unbelievably long steam-of-consciousness tangents, that feel like a manic monologue you’d see in a movie. As an example, my initial like-message was about 10 words long, and she somehow responded with one and a half phone screens worth of text. I try to respond, but her last message was probably ten phone screens long and took me over an hour to respond to. We matched 24 hours ago.
Some people complain about their matches not putting in effort. Well, if that’s zero effort, this is divide-by-zero effort. It’s fun, but this level of energy is scaring me a bit.
Was watching a quiz show earlier and a guy I went on a date with three years ago was a contestant on it.
How far I have come 🫠
Do you think I’m overreacting for being upset to find out my bf tells his mom his about everything I tell him is going on in my life?
He doesn’t seem to understand. They spend time together making him late for things and he’s never upfront that he’s been with her yet tells her EVERYTHING I’m up to.
She seems sweet and wants to be helpful but I’m really not comfortable with my business being aired regardless of its severity. It’s super off putting for me and I’m having a tough time seeing him the same way. He’s my best friend but I guess his mom is his. 😔
What type of communication do you usually like with your partner when one person is on an international, adventurous type vacation?
This weekend I fly out of the country for 2 weeks. I’ve been dating my guy for a little over 2 months (no DTR talk yet which is fine, it feels meaningful and that’s enough for now) and he is notttt much of a texter. But not talking for 2 weeks feels so wrong?
I’m going to see him before Xmas and I plan on bringing this up. I’m just not sure what to even ask for communication wise besides some sense of continuity in our connection. I don’t even like the small talk texting that much.
Does anybody here have advice for **not** thinking about an ex all the time?
It’s almost been about 9 months, no contact. I’ve dated since, leaned into hobbies, travelled and therapy.
I can’t go 10 minutes without thinking about my ex and that relationship though. I want to move on and its exhausting how much time this occupies my mind.
So the guy that I cut loose last week just texted me back in response to my final message (“I would rather be alone than feel forgotten.”), saying he did think about me and hadn’t forgotten me, and wanted to see me when he could.
It’s kind of putting me in a mood because it’s a nice thing to say, but he waited a week to say it?
And I’m not even upset with *him*. I’m more wondering if that’s just the vibe I give off to men– “she will tolerate anything, no matter how little or late.” Smfh.
Christmas coming up far too soon and I’m just so goddamned deep in a hole that I wanna just make an excuse and skip it…already bailed on both Thanksgivings (family had multiple events) under false pretenses to rot at home and part of my brain just wants to bail on this, too.
It’s like I resent my family members for wanting anything to do with me so I gotta get the message across somehow, I suppose. Man the holidays are a living nightmare. Everyone have fun out there I guess
Really clicked with a super hot guy, we’ve had great chemistry and banter, we’re excited about seeing each other again, and I kept wondering what the catch is gonna be.
He just asked for my snapchat.
I’m reserving judgement since he’s a solid communicator and didn’t give me grief when I said that I don’t use snapchat because I’m an adult, he’s obviously single and not hiding that we’re dating, but it gave me the ick a little bit. In my circles it’s “the cheater app” and not something that people use anymore, but I do know a few happy normal people on it so I’m not calling things off over an app, but I won’t lie it crossed my mind briefly.
A few weeks ago, I mentioned [a guy I was seeing](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1palsbm/comment/nrki6oh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) and I wrote about how weirdly dejected I felt after things ended. I’d said I would throw myself into friendships and creative pursuits, and I’ve mostly stuck to that.
Out of nowhere, an acquaintance reached out through Instagram and invited me out on a lunch date. I figured I had nothing to lose: it could just be a good lunch between friends, or it could blossom into something else. I wanted to be friendly … but I was also feeling hopeful that we’d have a great time together. He’s attractive and charming, and I wanted it to go well.
I don’t think our date was bad, but we were both a little shy and reserved. I wish I’d been more dynamic and smiley. (That last part sounds silly, but it’s because he told me in the past that he liked my smile.) Anyway — I think it went well enough. But I still can’t get a good read on how he’s feeling.
He’s messaged at least once a day since our date, but I feel like the messages are becoming fewer and farther between. And I don’t know what to think. Is he just breadcrumbing? Is he interested, but busier because of the holidays?
And why would he continue sending messages, but then wait hours (nearly 24) to reply? Is he just trying to play it cool? Or is he just putting in the minimum amount of attention to keep me interested? (Why?!)
I don’t know what to think. I talked to a friend, and she asked me, “Well, are *you* interested in *him*?” I don’t think she expected me to say yes … but I am interested. I feel like I’ve expressed this to him fairly well, too.
(This is mostly a vent — but if anyone has any advice for finding a better way to gauge his interest, I’d be open to hearing about it.
I would consider asking him out sometime this week, but I know we both have plans for the holidays. I imagine that I’m going to spend the next couple of days pen paling with him … if he answers my most recent message. 😬)
I am now firmly in the “overthinking everything” phase of this. It’s exhausting. But I’m refusing to use messages as a way to regulate my nervous system so I’m just riding it out.
Also though, every time I get giddy or excited by something to do with him, I wonder how stupid I’m going to feel/look if he ghosts me (it happened earlier this year, not surprising it’s something that worries me).
ok, onto distractions (like the work I should be doing… )