So I had a very messed-up childhood. My parents conceived me when they were very young and hardly had money to plan anything. I started doing part-time jobs at a very young age. I did the worst jobs to get myself through college and was bullied and taken advantage of throughout my student life. So money means more to me than my bratty in-laws who were given everything on gold plates. And now that I am a mom, I want to support my kids in every possible way, especially to help them get the education they want to get. So they won’t have to go through what I went through. Because we never know what happens next, and I don’t want them to be left high and dry, especially once we are gone.
So now I want to save more money for my kids' future by spending as little as I can. And while doing that, I get excited over gift cards, coupons, deals, clearance aisles, price comparisons… all of it. A terrible childhood and motherhood made me like that, and I can’t help it. Now my in-laws make sure to insult me because of it at every chance they get. Every Amazon voucher and Best Buy coupon I use becomes an excuse for them to remind me that I am not from a well-off background like them.
I got a freebie from TikTok slash game, and of course, it got delivered while they were at our home. So they started asking questions like “another voucher, huh?” I told them proudly that I got it free off TikTok, and my God, those women gave me the most judgmental looks there. Their tone and voice are so soft but sarcastic. They went like, “Honey, you getting stuff from TikTok Shop for free?” And then they asked my husband (32 M), “Why don’t you lend her some money? What’s wrong with you?” To which he said that it was a good thing that I saved money. But my MIL said, “Yk, it’s frowned upon where we are from.” I told them that where I am from, it’s frowned upon if you spend money extravagantly. And they were like, “No, no, of course you are right. I understand, honey, that you had the worst childhood, didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just that I don’t want you to say these things in our family gathering; that makes us a little embarrassed.” My husband also got furious at it, but MIL thinks we are being dramatic.
And she left, and now we both are feeling exhausted by her narcissistic remarks. It feels like there is no way to win an argument against her. What do I do? Should I tell my husband that I dont want her in my life? Please help?
TL;DR: Mother in law insults me in sugar-coated words for saving money and its killing me.
9 comments
Information diet. Don’t tell them anything. Not their business.
If it wasn’t your saving habits she’d find something else to sneer at you about, because the point isn’t what you do or don’t do, it’s to make herself feel superior. Sneering at you makes her feel confident and powerful and smart, and you are never going to get her to give up that ego boost.
Yes, you should definitely consider going No Contact or af least Low Contact with your MIL. She has spoken her mind about you and she clearly doesn’t respect you and your values. And honestly, do you really want your kids to learn those values? My friend has in-laws like this and both her and her partner have gone No Contact with them since they were being downright mean to my friend and her daughter from another relationship. They actually had to move away to another address and block the in-laws on all media.
But they have peace now. The best of luck to you and your family.
Do you want them in your life? If you do, the goal might be reframing the things you can control. Her comments aren’t going to change your perspective and yours aren’t going to change hers. So if you continue spending time with them, I’d just be fake and let the comments roll like water off a ducks back.
You married into a family with different values, there is going to have to be acceptance. Clearly they were hoping their station in life would change you. Since it won’t (and good!) don’t spend time with people who make you feel uncomfortable.
What argument are you hoping to win? Saving money is good? Being thrifty is wise. You and she be know that, she’s just never going to admit it because of *class*.
I’d weigh the pros and cons of spending time with them and limit it for a while. Maybe she’ll realize and act kinder. If she is a narc than she’ll poke more for a fight, it’s on you to decide if it’s worth giving in and engaging or just being fake to make the interactions less painful.
“I dont want you to say these things at the family gathering its embarrassing for us”
I would make sure at some point to say something along the lines of “thats your problem not mine, maybe you shouldn’t be so soft and judgemental, and i dont have to give you everything you want just because your parents did”
Their feelings are NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY they are adults who can learn to handle people who are different from them
I can’t believe there are such people with this superiority complex of theirs. Instead of being proud of you for thinking about future of her grandchildren, and going to the extra miles to find such freebies when you could easily spend family fortune. Only way is that ask your husband that you cant face her, You can leave home whenever she visits. You cant stop your husband from seeing but please don’t pull yourself into this that too when you faced bullying as a kid too. And don’t change keep saving money wherever you can.
You have a husband problem. Why is he continuing to let his family insult and belittle you this way, especially when he knows how difficult your childhood was? He should be telling them to stop and defending you rather than continue to let them attack you.
She sounds like a MIL that needs to be described like ” My MIL is a Saint!
She has appointed me, as her personal charity case, and goes out of her way, to tell me why all the things, that she would have done differently, is wrong and how I should do them instead.
Have you ever met a woman who cares so much for others?”
Is this an ad for TikTok?