He has almost completely destroyed what we’ve been trying to build in our marriage. I was a single mom when we met and owned my own home with some good equity and had a decent paying job. I was able to take care of my two young children solo, though it was not easy. He did not own anything and had some student loan debt.
After we got married, we did have a couple pregnancy losses, one of which was our son who died at 2 days old, full term. That was extremely hard on both of us, but I had to rally to be a mother to my children that were still living and to provide for them.
Fast forward a few years to Covid and unmanaged depression after the loss of our son, my husband lost the first $160k ++ which he ended up confessing to me because he had maxed out his credit cards and had nowhere to turn. I was beyond devastated and betrayed. Everything I had worked so hard for as a single parent and us as a couple was gone…just like that. He promised he’d never do it again, blah blah…gave me the logins to his credit cards and we got a home equity loan to pay off the 30% interest cards.
Well 8 months later I found out that he’d lost another $70k. $30k on credit cards and $40k he cashed out on his 401k. I kicked him out…told me he also lost his job.
Even talking about this just makes me sick…we’re financially drowning and I don’t even know how I can leave. We did end up having a child together and she is now 6. I hate splitting up the family for her and the older kids who have already been through so much. But I literally fucking hate him most of the time for what he’s done. He’s become a total asshole and rarely shows remorse. It’s like he’s a complete coward and can’t come to grips with the reality of his life. His mom is now dying of cancer, which is horrible, but I’m still so angry and he’s not working so now he has no money coming in to pay off all his massive debts and I feel like I’m left holding the bag. 🫠
Where do I go from here? Has anyone been down this road?
41 comments
leave
Gambling addiction, he needs professional help. A promise isn’t enough, addicts cant control their disease. Whether or not you stay to help him is up to you, this is tough on you too and if you need to step away then don’t feel guilty, if you stay help him find resources for assistance and monitor him making an effort.
Simple: dump him immediately.
Run!
Could get even worse. Get a legal separation.
It is like any other addiction. You are doing him no favors staying and supporting him.
He will stop for a bit, act like he hears you and do it all over.
It is what addicts do.
What he did is unforgivable.
If your daughter was in this situation would you tell her to stay in a relationship where she hates her spouse for the financial abuse he out her through? Absolutely not, so show her what strength is and get out.
Don’t stay in that ..
If you do the only way forward is to split all your finances and get him off the house if you can.
Don’t save him from his financial ruin.
I’d go talk to a lawyer ASAP about what options you have to preserve your credit. Hell, even if you stay together you might want to just get divorced so on paper you all completely separate
Can you get a post-nup that ensures you’re not liable for his debt if you guys get divorced? I would seriously look into it.
He’s addicted to gambling. He will never change. There’s help for that, but unless he wants the help he will keep doing it.
You aren’t the one ruining the family, HE did this to you all. Don’t let him have access to anything and contact a lawyer so you aren’t left with any future debts he might accrue. Don’t let him back in, he needs to deal with this and you have enough to manage. He’s literally gambled the future of his wife and kids and has no place with you all. I’m so sorry and hope things get better.
Bankruptcy and divorce. Do not stay with this man. Would you want your daughter to stay with a man who did this to her??
It will never get better and he is slowly killing you and your children. You leave and file for bankruptcy if you have to, but you cannot continue to live like this and ever hope to find normalcy again.
Next time will be worse.
Divorce him now. Regardless of how much he gets in the divorce, it will be much less than he will take if you stay with him. The longer you wait, the more the debt. If you have money in the bank, pull it out, and get your name off of his credit cards (and his off of yours).
You need to divorce so you don’t have your financial future tied to him. Regardless of whether you can work through it, cut your legal ties with him!!
He made the first choice to gamble. Then made it again and again and again knowing it was harmful to the family. It doesn’t matter if it’s an “addiction” now. It wasn’t the many times he chose to do it in the beginning. How people behave at their worst is the most important show of character. When the family was in pain, he thought only of himself and he chose to hurt his family. The only choice is to leave. Anything else is now you choosing to hurt yourself and children.
Talk to a lawyer as soon as you can to prevent you being liable for more of his gambling debt
Damn babe this is beyond sick I don’t even know what to say he pulled you down to where his life is
Welcome to the realm of doing right but running into the wrong person.
I have a 20 year old girl. I tell her constantly that who she surrounds herself with and who she married dictates 100% of her path in life.
You chose the wrong man. Unfortunately you will now never have a normal life unless one of your kids gets drafted into the NBA.
Everything is absolutely fucked. Your only way out of living on the street when you’re 70 is to divorce now.
Marital debt is shared. So his debt is your debt. Home equity is shared. So any equity gains of your house since you married him (which are likely substantial) is half his. Prepare to be gutted.
Given that, you gotta divorce. You still have a life outside him. He’s a lost cause. Stay longer and be decimated further.
As others have said, get a lawyer, divorce, and probably some form of bankruptcy. You have to separate yourself from him and his liabilities as much and as completely as possible. Do not wait one more day.
Now, I’ll take a timeout for my own short soapbox on this: Casino operators’ sole goal is to extract as much $ from anyone as possible. They absolutely do not care and have zero concern for utterly destroying the lives of their victims (aka “customers”), as long as it increases their revenue. They are lower than cockroaches, and are the ultimate essence of true evil. I am dumbfounded that our modern civilization allows them to operate while putting so many others in prison for far lesser offenses.
You should left when he did the first lot of financial ruination.
He needs treatment – he’s an addict and promises mean nothing.
He’s just done to the same thing again.
Addicts only care about their next fix.
You all don’t matter to him – don’t stay just so your kid has an other family. Time to get out before he buries you more
Get. A. Divorce.
This fool will drag you and your children down with him.
You must be a sucker for pain because you took him back. How can you possibly consider attempting to continue a relationship with this man who has financially ruined you. Do you believe that you will be spared from further loss of money in the future? Save anything you can and divorce him now. You must do it for the sake of your children and their future.
You need to protect yourself and your kids. You need to leave while the hole is only $250,000. He’s shown you that there is no bottom to this.
Listen mama, first off you’re a tough lady and a badass mom I can tell from the fact you had all that you did before you met him, all while managing to raise your kids. I applaud your hard work. I want you to look back and remember her, the you that got through all that and accomplished what you did. You absolutely can get out of this with that same hard work and determination. By no means am I saying that this is fair to you, bc it’s simply not! I truly hate that the man that’s supposed to be your husband and help provide has failed you and your family in that department. But you don’t have to keep suffering from believing he’s gonna get better. Placing myself in your shoes, I would absolutely leave him to clean his mess and be responsible for himself. You’ve been more than understanding the first time and taken him back after what he did and he basically turned that kindness into him taken advantage of that grace you gave him. I understand the children aspect of wanting him to be there. He still can be, but not under the same roof. He’s detrimental to your mental health and finances. You do not and can not afford to carry his end of taking care of him too. It’s his responsibility to do that for himself! He needs to hit rock bottom like every other addict must do. Let him experience what his addiction has caused. He can imagine being without his family but it’s not the same as actually experiencing it. He needs to be out on his own and making headway by himself. Don’t enable him with providing for him. This is his time to take action and accountability for himself and his poor actions and getting himself better. You have to do what’s best for your livelihood, as well as for the kids. He can still be a dad but he must be given some tough love. I sincerely hope you find the strength to do what probably feels impossible. I believe you can get yourself back on track, set a plan, and pace yourself reasonably. Do not forget that you’re deserving of way more than he’s done to you.
My bestie, whose husband did the same thing, divorced him and listed all of the debt he accumulated on his side of the divorce. She bribed him with a little bit of money to sign the agreement.
She is now happily remarried to someone else.
For a spouse to put the family into debt is an absolutely disgusting thing to do. You need to divorce. There are lots of pro bono legal resources that can help you with that.
Now I feel like the biggest jerk because I literally packed my husband’s bag and threatened divorce once when he lost some money doing sports betting. Some idiot he worked with convinced him to download an app, at first he won a few bucks (like $100) then kept going. I warned him not to add any of our money (his coworker put the $50 into the account). We just bought a house, we always have an emergency fund and savings. He never took money out of our accounts but I later found out his coworker was adding money and my husband was telling him he would pay him back later. The amount only reached around 1k, I was furious. The majority of the money saved was because of me. I made him pay it back, delete the app, or move out & move in with his buddy. A year later, the same coworker asked my husband if he could borrow $1200 for bills! Of course he told him no.
I cannot imagine what you’re going through. Your husband needs some serious help, If you have a support system, I think you should consider leaving him. There’s always that fear your husband will be lying to you and things will continue to get worse.
Okay, I am not going to straight advocate for you to leave him. I don’t know you personally or your relationship.
HOWEVER, I am going to advocate for you to seek a legal separation. This will financially protect you, and frankly him. Move ALL your collective assets into your name, so he can’t gamble the house out from under you. Split your bank accounts back up. He gets his bank account, and you have yours and all the assets.
Once he proves he’s in control of his addiction you can legally reconcile, and split assets back up. If he doesn’t get his life together, you can walk away. You with most of everything left as a small token for his F up.
I want to scream this at some couples I see, but I can’t. But I can right now cause you’re not my client!
He needs prof help. Gambling addiction is serious.
My ex wife was a spender. Your story sounds same (secret debt , not paying etc). Then I had to help pay rinse and repeat. I resented her. We had 2 kids.
Well she left me for a “richer” man. Divorce was expensive but my life is million times better because I dont have to police her
See an attorney asap. Probably two of them. Divorce and bankruptcy. You have got to cut ties with this nightmare as quickly as possible so you have time to recover financially by yourself.
And a therapist for you and your kids if you can swing it. But mostly you. He’s been financially abusing you for years. You need some help learning to enforce boundaries, find your confidence and a sounding board for co-parenting with an absolute loser.
I’ve been down a similar road, my wife of 20 years developed a shopping addiction during COVID and like a complete idiot I trusted her with my life and my money so I never used to check our bank accounts any questions I had I would just take her word for it, so finding a credit card bill for 16k in her handbag really threw me off, that was just the tip of the iceberg, there was multiple redraws on the house and a 16k credit card debt not once but fucking twice! she pissed away pretty much everything on credit card interest, 80k cash I thought we had in the bank and 120k up on the house was gone too.
This happened on December 4th 2023, it shattered my world, I pretty much sat in my shed until April this year which is when I finally started slowly snapping out of it, one thing I will give my wife was she did whatever she could to fix this, everything now is complete transparency, I watch every single cent that goes in and out of our banks, you’re husband has to want to fix this and do whatever it is that you need for him to slowly earn your trust back otherwise get out now dont waste your time.
I almost have half the money she lost saved back up again, now my biggest regret is that I didn’t get my shit together 2 years earlier instead of being stubborn and thinking “why the fuck should I fix this I didn’t do it”
If he gets his shit together I promise you that that feeling of depression and complete rage and hatred you have towards your husband will fade, I know how hurt and betrayed you feel inside right now, it hurts inside that much that it actually starts to physically hurt you and when I was where you are now I didn’t think it was going to go away either but it does get better, it just takes time and I hope it takes you less time than it took me.
He needs to go full scotch earth. My brother went around $60k in the hole (to this day the number changes a bit) weel he gave up control of his finances to my parents at the time, hit GA 3-4x a week with multiple groups. He went to church on Sundays and held no secrets. Gambling addiction is very difficult because of how easy it is to hide while it’s all going downhill.
You need to figure out what 100% accountability and transparency look like. Unfortunately, he might feel like he’s being treated as a child during all this but that’s what it is. He’ll be able ti get responsibility back as he earns it but for a while he does need someone watching his every move. I know with my brother his debt snowballed. In the last month, he started around $15k down and finished at around 60k. It’s a chase and they can’t stop unless someone else helps them.pull the brake.
I’d leave. He’s literally ruining your life. You’re getting older and he’s going to make you work until you’re dead.
You’re also showing your children that this is a normal relationship? What would you tell your kids if they were in the exact relationship as yours? To stay?
My stepdad had a gambling problem though luckily not to this degree of money. But he did have to borrow a five thousand from his Dad at the time to pay off gambling debts. Maybe more that I don’t know about. My stepdad went to gamblers anonymous for a while. Because there wasn’t a solid GA nearby he ended up going to AA. It helped to a degree but he never leaned to manage money and ended up replacing one addiction with another and then another. It was like he never actually learned how to manage his addiction because he always seemed to fall back into an addictive behavior.
My Mom had to take him off the account for a while. He didn’t have a debit card or credit card and she’d give him cash for things. She literally only added him back to the account due to his social security and retirement needing to be deposited into an account with his name on it. They did separate a couple times. The only reason he doesn’t have an issue now is because he’s 83 and not in great health and doesn’t have a debit card and barely knows how to use a cell phone. I have no doubt if he knew how to access online gsmbling he’d be doing it.
With that said your husband needs help. Serious help. Personally I wouldn’t stay with him until he can get the help he needs and can prove to you he can manage his addiction. Which could take some time. And be on the lookout for him replacing it with another addiction just like my stepdad did.
two words. “Separate accounts.” And a third, NOW.
Kick his butt to the curb or if you stay, for whatever weird reason… maybe you’re a masochist who likes losers… separate your money so he can’t gamble it away.
Chances are he won’t get help or it won’t stick. You need to be selfish right now or he’ll sink you with him.
I just watched a series on TikTok called the Danish Deception – watch it. It’s a woman who married a gambling addict that tells her story
Please see a lawyer. You MAY be able to divorce him and not assume the marital debt even if you live in a community property state.
File for divorce immediately and get a good lawyer to try to get the debts to be his responsibility in the settlement.
What you mean you’re at a loss?? You fucking leave him!! I can’t with these women it is so frustrating to read this shit bc even if they’re fake, I’ve known women like this irl
You were JUST FINE without him and you can do that again.
You should separate legally, divorce or whatever to protect yourself moving forward financially. Even if you want to remain a couple. Don’t tie yourself legally to him any longer. Protect your finances moving forward. For your entire family’s sake.
OP, idk if you’re going to see this, but regarding your concern about your child: my mom is a gambling addict. It had a very profound effect on me growing up. Let’s just say that now as an adult, I have an unhealthy relationship with money. I understood debt and repossession at way too young of an age. I live with a constant cloud over my head that feels like my money or property is going to just be ripped away at any moment through no control of my own. I squirrel money away and never feel like it’s enough and I’m always on the precipice poverty and homelessness. I know I’m not, but the experience of having a parent that wasn’t responsible enough to ensure stability is now deeply embedded in my psyche now.
Your child will see, understand and internalize much more than you can imagine. Your child needs to be able to trust that resources are reliable. Your husband is incapable of creating that environment.