\*\*TL;DR Lonely, depressed, old man in neighbourhood has started to rely on me for all his interactions and wants me to be available so often that it causes stress. I feel guilty and selfish, but I want to take distance from this relation. Yet I also feel horrible and worried that I would leave someone alone who is nearly completely isolated from any contacts. Any input much appreciated.\*\*
Last year I got to know an elderly man in the neighbourhood. We talked every now and then whenever I passed by while he was working in his garden. When he started inviting me in for tea, I would also drop by to drink tea with him. I did so as he expressed feeling lonely and I felt sad for him. It was the beginning of what became a difficult situation that has caused me quite a bit of concern by now.
While drinking tea, I would sometimes help him with things such as setting up his smartphone for him that he had bought but didn’t know how to use. Which resulted in him texting me many times per day. It also became increasingly difficult to leave when I would visit him, as he would search for reasons to keep the discussion going or bring up things he needed help with. Ultimately I visited him 2-3 times per week and I would be there for 2.5-3 hours. Together with all his messaging I became overwhelmed. He seemed a bit manipulative in his communication also, I found: he would make me feel guilty if I wasn’t visiting often or available all the time. He would for example in dramatic ways break off the contact if I was unable to respond within minutes to all his messages he sent me everyday day, and then text me again days later as if nothing had happened. This happened many times. I was also worried since he expressed feeling so lonely, depressed and even hinted at being suicidal. Out of concern I feel I made myself too available to him. Whenever I was drinking tea with him, I would listen to his stories for hours. He would also call regularly and talk for an hour without end. During all these conversations he would hardly let me bring in anything, and often his stories were repetitive. Of course since he is alone most of the time and is so old, it’s probably logical. But still, it felt like a one-sided relationship to me that was incredibly time-consuming.
During that time I searched for different activities/contacts that could help him out of his isolation, as I felt worried about him. I reached out to organisations for elderly people, and searched for activities for him. And there were plenty of activities: literally footsteps away from his front door there is a center for elderly people. They organise many activities from morning to evening, every day. He can participate in them for free (and he has also expressed finances aren’t an issue for him). As he had previously enjoyed yoga, I also reached out to physiotherapists that organised exercise classes for elderly people. Additionally I reached out to a social worker that wanted to discuss with the three of us what kind of activities he would like to undertake. But he wasn’t interested in anything and would get angry if I brought it up. The people in the elderly center according to him were “old ladies that only gossip”. And he also had diverse reasons not to want to try anything else, out of the many options I brought up. He said he didn’t feel safe to express his true thoughts with anyone but me and that I was ‘the best medicine for his depression’. (Which I told him I couldn’t be). He had also been offered therapy by his GP for years, but he also refused that. I should perhaps mention he has 4 children, but hasn’t seen them for 3-4 decades as a result of conflicts with nearly all of his family members.
Ultimately when he got very angry and insulted me quite badly over text when I couldn’t respond to him within minutes, I suggested to take distance for a while. It was a relief to be frank, even though I was worried about his wellbeing. However, after a while he sought contact again. I tried to make it clear to him that I couldn’t be available 24/7. I also brought up other options/contacts again that may help him out of his isolation – he refused the latter and didn’t want me to bring it up anymore.
Perhaps I should say I have many problems in my own life also. My life was turned upside down after a romantic relationship in which (mental) abuse was the order of the day. It resulted in major depression, left me in financial ruin and I had to move in again with family. (This followed on a diagnosis with a serious physical disease I suffered from for years). In addition my own parents have serious health conditions, another family member that is dear to me suffers from a deadly form of cancer. So it was very important to me also to be able to be there for family and focus on these things that really need my attention. Since the status quo has caused me great despair.
He said he understood I also had other things that require my attention and promised to not contact me all the time anymore.
At first things went better, and he gave me more space. But after a few months he was searching more and more contact again: he always had different excuses to contact me, many times per week. I also felt some of his comments were insulting whenever I would visit for tea. It didn’t feel good to listen to him for hours and meanwhile feel like he was insulting me at moments. This later resulted in another argument, when I brought up the comments he had made. He denied having made these insulting comments, got angry, and broke off the contact.
After months he contacted me again. I now said from the start I wouldn’t be able to be available all the time. He said he understood, but after two months he was again calling me plenty of times per week. He would keep on talking whenever he called, so I would feel unable to hang up. By now to be frank I was getting increasingly annoyed. When I visited him to plan an upcoming surgery I had promised to help him with, and he had apparently been drinking alcohol, he would also try to throw his arms around me all the time. I felt incredibly uncomfortable and tried to get out of his reach constantly. But I didn’t dare to say anything since he had been drinking, and I thought he probably didn’t realise what he was doing. I should say he had never done this before. I also knew that if I would bring it up later, he would just deny this happened and get angry with me again. So I never spoke to him about this. But together with his constant telephone calls, I told him I was overwhelmed again by how often he expected me to be available. He became angry, denied, and claimed it was in fact I who was bothering him, while screaming through the telephone. I hung up, as he was screaming at me. I still left him a letter in which I had written that I still wanted to help him with his upcoming surgery as I had promised to help him, as well as with any practical help he needed or emergency situations, but that I couldn’t manage to be available as often as he wanted me to be. He never responded and I didn’t hear anything from him anymore.
Today, two months later, he dropped by at our home and left an article with my father that he had cut out of a newspaper for me. He told my father that I should return the article to him. My father didn’t want to accept the article, but he insisted for 10 minutes, so ultimately my father took it. My father also thought that he insisted I return the article to him, so that I would have to visit him again. I can’t deny by now I feel stressed at the thought that he wants to resume the contact with me again. This has become a burdensome relation to me that is constantly on my mind whenever we are in contact. Even if I don’t speak to him, the fact that he is focusing all his needs and attention on me, is constantly waiting for me to visit or call, and can call any day at any moment, causes me stress. I don’t feel able to properly focus on anything else – while there are so many things that really require my attention. Yet I also feel guilty that I feel this way. This is an old man with hardly any contacts. He feels alone, very depressed, he has previously expressed feeling suicidal at moments. So I feel I also can’t drop him and I feel concerned about him. I have considered calling his GP, but I know that would make him incredibly angry and he would see it as a major betrayal.
This became a long rant, I’m really sorry. But I could use some input what to do as I feel at a loss about the situation. I’ve typed this at 4-5AM, as I feel unable to sleep. I’d really appreciate any input. Many thanks.
8 comments
Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You are not responsible for him or his mental health. You’ve already gone above and beyond what might be neighborly or friendly.
Honestly my FIL was like this, and isolated himself in spite of being very lonely. To make matters worse he would tell his neighbors/local people that he was all alone due to his family abandoning him, when that wasn’t even the case— they kept reaching out, he was just always angry and bitter with them. So they would feel sorry for him, when in fact he was refusing all help. He just liked being angry and bitter it seemed. But he needed someone to be angry and bitter with. So he would make “friends” and then alienate them again.
Stop responding. Do not return the article. If you are seriously worried that he might harm himself (suicide threats), call the police and ask for a wellness check or similar. Leave it to them. I actually wish people had called the cops/elder services on my FIL rather than try to placate him. It would have been easier to get him the help he needed then.
You’ve done everything you could. You tried helping him and he refused all the options. He is CHOSING to be like this.
Also, you are not safe if you return to his house. He’s already shown time and time again that he will ignore all boundaries you try to set.
Do not return the article except maybe through the mail box. Do not return to his house.
If he calls, tell him “I don’t have time, I’m going to hang up now” and then HANG UP. If he texts you, leave him either on read or don’t even open the message. If he talks to you on the street, tell him “I don’t have time. I have to go” and then GO. don’t give him reasons for why you can’t (because he will try to pick them apart), just go.
You sound like a very kind and caring person. Spend thst kindness and caring on people who will be kind and caring back and who are grateful for you instead of expecting you to cater to their needs at all times.
It sounds like there may well be a reason his family hasn’t had contact with him. It’s not on you to feel guilty for the consequences of how he treats people. If he’d been grateful and reciprocative of the (honestly amazing) care you’ve given him, he would still have a relationship with you. You’ve wanted to cut contact because he is manipulative and angry, NOT because you haven’t done enough. You’ve done more than enough and ultimately you can’t be the make or break in whether he feels okay in his day to day. I think you should allow yourself to do whatever you truly want to do, what feels best for your own needs in this situation and not what you might feel compelled to do out of guilt. Ask yourself what choice you would make if you didn’t feel guilty and worried for him because acting based on that hasn’t worked in the past. It sounds like you have a lot of love to give and that maybe you were taken advantage of in the past as well. Know that you’re allowed to set boundaries that feel good to you.
slip him an edible in his tea and dip👌
You can mail the article back to him. You don’t have to see him again. He CHOSE to not respect your time and your personal space and not to be kind to you. Like you have mentioned, friendships should be reciprocal and make both people happier, not drain and ignore one person. I understand all your feelings about it but you did everything you could and he refused to change his habits. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.
You don’t owe him your time or attention if he won’t be respectful, and he has proved over and over that he does not respect your boundaries. Keep telling yourself that he has choices and he chooses not to be a good friend to you, so you can choose to minimize your contact with him.
I think you could use therapy.
You value yourself so little and immediately accept another man’s mere existence and all of his problems as your own even after he’s treated you like garbage.
This is also an issue with attachment, you strike me as someone who might continue to get into abusive relationships because you perceive others and their needs as more valuable than yourself and your own needs.
Seek therapy, it will be good for you and help for you to set boundaries and appreciate yourself.
Honestly, at this point, I would probably just block him. Others are saying to state your boundaries whenever he calls or texts, but you’ve already done that. You have told him multiple times already that you don’t have as much time to offer and he’s continuously choosing to ignore that. Now it’s time to take care of your mental health and get rid of anything deteriorating it, and even a text or a call from him (with berating language a good possibility) could attribute to that.
He has refused all help offered by multiple parties, and you’ve done more than enough to help him. He doesn’t want to get better. I would possibly doubt his suicide thoughts are real, they might just be a ploy to make you feel guilty and stay (he probably has a crush on you with the unwanted physical contact while drunk). Also the comment about you being the best medicine for his depression- no, that’s a therapist and/or medication.
Stop feeling guilty. That’s how he’s gotten you to stay for so long. He’s not a good friend (doesn’t let you speak, doesn’t consider your wishes, doesn’t respect your boundaries), and you don’t owe him anything. Even if you called his GP, a doctor can’t make anyone do anything or take any medication they don’t want (unless they’re committed and that usually voluntary it takes a lot to be involuntary I’ll committed), even as an inpatient you have the right to refuse any medication you want.
He can only be helped if he wants to. Repeat that in your head until you get it. Nothing you do can change what he wants to do. If he wanted help, if he wanted friends, if he wanted a social life, he would have it. He doesn’t want it. He wants someone to manipulate.
you do not owe this man ANYTHING. he is negative and malicious, and it is definitely a red flag that all FOUR children do not speak with him. have your father drop the article in his mailbox, and then block his number. you have truly done everything you can. if you see him in the neighborhood just nod quickly and keep going, walk on the other side of St., not directly by his place. if he comes to your house again, have your dad go out and tell him you won’t be able to talk anymore and to please stop coming by. if he continues, notify his GP. In any other case I’d say authorities as well, but as he’s in his 80s, i dont see any major issue with you being physically in danger, though I wouldn’t say NOT to call the authorities. just keep it as a second option.