My fiance (“Emily”, we’ve been together three years, living together for two years, and engaged for 6 months) and I both work from home. Her company uses Zoom for video calls and a separate chat platform similar to Slack where employees can DM each other (along with other standard features).
Sometime in April, Emily was in a video meeting with people from her core workgroup along with another group that she normally has limited meetings and interactions with. After the meeting, a guy (“Jake”) DM’d her. It was unrelated to work–there was nothing they needed to communicate about on a project or whatever. He apparently was chatty, asked her personal questions, and even shared some of his personal dreams and aspirations.
We tend to openly share things about our work lives, and I’m familiar with all of her coworkers (including their names and random other details). I was talking with Emily sometime in early May and saw Jake’s name on her chat screen. I didn’t think much of it other than it was a name I hadn’t heard her mention before. Fast forward to late May and she finally mentions the stuff I wrote in the previous paragraph. It was notable to me, since she usually talks about new people she meets right after meeting them. I’d also seen his name multiple times up at the top of her chat screen again since first seeing it about a month and a half earlier. Clearly they’d been talking a lot, and for awhile.
I didn’t say anything and just figured, hey, WFH cuts out the opportunity for casual hallway conversations with random coworkers–maybe this is just the 2022 version of that. Yesterday she was in a meeting with him and a few other people that was a bit more casual–no work stuff discussed at all. At one point I could hear her (small apartment) talk about her weekend. She told a story about going to the beach, which we did together. However, when telling it she strictly spoke with “I”–“I went to the beach”, “I couldn’t find parking”, “I had to drive way too long to get there.” But *I* was the one that drove us there. *I* was the one that struggled to find parking. ***We*** went to the beach.
After the meeting, Emily said that Jake asked her if she went alone. She said it made her uncomfortable, because he clearly was probing whether she’s single or not. I really appreciated her sharing that. It’s a good demonstration of the open communication I think is healthy in a longterm relationship. After Emily me told me about the interaction, we had a fairly good discussion about boundaries with the opposite sex, flirting, and stuff of that nature. She let slip that she “had some suspicions” he was interested in her prior to this last remark.
I immediately asked myself how I hadn’t come up earlier. If they were sharing so much personal information and chatting so much, how did it slip that she’s engaged and lives with me, and that we moved to this city together, etc. *Especially* since she had a suspicion he was interested in her. Why did she go out of her way to avoid mentioning me in her story of her weekend? And when Jake asked if she went alone, she just said “no”–not that she went with her fiance. She had plenty of opportunities to mention me.
Now, I should mention that I don’t find this guy a threat. They have radically different politics, and without being unnecessarily mean (hell, he doesn’t know about me, so I can’t be too mad at him), he’s just not the threatening type. It makes me think that she might enjoy the attention. Emily has mentioned before how having a distant, absentee father as a kid really affected her need for external validation, especially from men. I worry that this is yet another symptom of that and whether it’s a red flag I should not ignore. What if it’s with a man that is actually a threat next time? What if it becomes an emotional affair, or worse?
It’s not the first encounter with another man that has made me uncomfortable. Emily has a personality where it can be hard to tell if she’s flirting or just being friendly. It’s crossed the line for me before, and it’s taken some work for me to understand that it’s probably just her personality, not flirting, and to learn to love her warmth. That said, there are times where I’m like, “wow, I would not blame that guy for thinking she’s interested.” All to say, the odds of guys getting the wrong idea are increased by her personality, so it’s really imperative for me to have certainty that she’ll make it clear early on that she is engaged (or soon, married).
I’m posting this partially as a vent, but also to gauge whether this is a big red flag. Appreciate any insight.
9 comments
I (43F) have WFH for more than a decade. My colleagues know my dog’s name, know I have a partner, etc but only kind of generally. Like they don’t know his name. “We went fishing” could be anyone. I don’t go out of my way to call out that I have a partner.
Hell, I was married and divorced and most people didn’t know as it wasn’t something I talk about but they sure knew when my dog died or when I got a new one. They know my horse has her 32nd bday tomorrow. LOL
Anyway.
I guess I wouldn’t think too much of it but it sounds like you’re communicating well and she now knows that it’s kind of odd.
Seems like your spidey sense is tingling with this one. Just from my read I would say that not mentioning you in a obvious situation where you should have been brought up along with her saying his questions about going alone made her uncomfortable would indicate some a level of attraction towards this guy. Probing from outsiders is normal – nothing sketch there – it’s her wanting to appear available that is walking on the boundary for me. She is minimizing by making him seem interested in her when it seems obvious she is interested in him. As your fiance she should be shutting this down, not diving in head first. If she has done this before, she is probably not good at setting boundaries. I think that is what should be discussed.
All the I stuff and never mentioned you is a huge red flag. Like she enjoys being sought after. I would consider asking to see the old conversations
Have you straight out asked her if she has mentioned you to this male coworker? (You know she didn’t). If her answer is no, ask her why not.
How would she feel if tables were turned?
Updateme!
> They have radically different politics, and without being unnecessarily mean (hell, he doesn’t know about me, so I can’t be too mad at him), he’s just not the threatening type
Not to be alarmist, but this isn’t as good as you think it is. Cheaters often [cheat down](https://www.chumplady.com/2018/05/cheaters-never-trade-up-the-lola-doctrine/), i.e. the affair partner is opposite of what you would think (looks, career, criminal history, etc). Again, not saying this is **what is happening** right now but doesn’t mean that it is out of the realm of possibility.
I’m a big fan of trust your gut and you’ve got some valid points. Ultimately, you know your fiancee better than anyone. It very well may be that she is liking the attention but the false framing (i.e. lie by omission and not mentioning you) to get that is alarming. She’s admitted that she is getting the feeling that this guy is interested in more than a friendship and **she** should be the one to take the initiative and set firm and healthy boundaries. I’ve linked to /u/switchboardfriend ‘s excellent [post](https://old.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/szrk0l/emotional_affairs_in_eleven_steps/) detailing how quickly/easily an emotional affair can crop up. You’ll often hear (post EA discovery) things like, “it just happened so quick!” or, “I didn’t mean for it to progress that far!” where the cheater somewhat acknowledges that they knew it was wrong but still continued the affair.
You talk about healthy communication, now would be the time to exercise that. Re-affirm your talk about healthy guy/girl relationships and boundaries. You don’t necessarily have to call her out with, “you’re starting an emotional affair!!!!” but more so a simple, “hey, you’re saying that you’re getting vibes from this dude that he’s interested in a relationship. What do you think are some good steps to establish some healthy boundaries?” and go from there. Hopefully a gentle nudge in the right direction will be all you need to get back on the right foot.
UpdateMe!
Time to rethink about your engagement. She definitely has issues with boundaries and if you fail to notice them then she might even get involved in an emotional affair. Then she will come up with excuses to justify her wrong doings…
So it’s better you confront her behaviour otherwise you are getting married to a walking red flag.
Okay, update on this. I confronted her about it at lunch today. I had some of the facts wrong.
After talking about my displeasure with her not mentioning me, she insisted that they had not had on-going conversations. She said most happened during that first interaction and then she had ignored his last messages. I asked to see the messages. She was not happy about that, but agreed.
About 90% of their back-and-forth was actually during the first interaction, where he DM’d her. She engaged in the convo for a bit, mentioned some personal details–though nothing that deep. He was pretty obviously talking himself up at that point and displaying interest. Like I think even as a neutral party that would’ve been clear. Besides not mentioning me, the only possible negative from the convo was her saying there should be a division in-person meetup after he mentioned not having met most people in person.
She gave a couple 1-3 line responses to a few of his later messages, including mentioning that she had been slow to respond because she was on vacation (with me, which she again could’ve mentioned). Interestingly, he also asked her if she “went on vacations with friends” which seems like another attempt to hear her relationship status. I would be angry if she didn’t mention me in response, but she just didn’t respond at all. After that there were like maybe 6 messages from him on different days which she didn’t respond to. Persistent fella.
So yeah, I think I’m mostly in the wrong here, but do think she should be more proactive in mentioning me, particularly when it’s obvious a person is interested. We discussed that, and I think we’re on the same page.
I got ahead of myself here and definitely have some inward work to do. Thanks for the responses.