Yesterday morning I woke up, made the original post and waited nervously for her to wake up. It once again took a couple of hours, a little after noon she finally messaged me.
She said we had dinner in the later afternoon with her mother, and I could Uber over to her place whenever. A few of you suggested I should just call off the dinner plans but I decided to stick it through.
I went up to her place shortly after that and we spent some time watching things. She was having a better day so we sat close and while we didn't -do- anything (brother was in the small house) it was some quality time I had been looking for.
Dinner with her mother was great, we connected well and she seemed to be genuinely excited for me and her daughter. We left with a hug from her mom and went back to her place.
It was a lot more of the same thing as before, so while it wasn't alone time with her, it did feel more on on one, and we had a good time. Was it exactly what I was expecting on the last day of this trip? Not really, but was it nice? Definitely.
It was getting late and I was half expecting her to want me to Uber back but she drove me herself, she helped me confirm my packing for the flight early this morning, and we ended with a kiss.
We got to texting a bit and we realized she hadn't taken a photo of us for a frame she had bought. I was pretty sad that we hadn't and the few pictures of us from that weekend didn't really fit the vibe she was going for. I mentioned that I should just Uber back. 10 minutes later waiting for a response and she tells me to come down, anxiety be damned she did drive back just for the photo and another goodbye smooch.
So, overall, it wasn't the perfect weekend, but I'm going to stay cautiously optimistic. I think it was a mistake to not make the trip longer, and think that would have helped even more. We'll see how things go when she has to decide if she wants to make the solo trip down here for an event closer to this summer.
To clear some things up; She is on medication and goes to a therapist (though her current therapist is very new to her). Normally I wouldn't be into a LDR but our likes and interest align well, and it's something I've struggled to find around me back home. My last relationship was decently long and taught me that was something I valued a lot.
Thanks for all the comments on the other post. I imagine interest for another update will wane by the time the next trip happens (in about 2 months) but that is the time where things will really be make or break.
Tl;Dr – Last day went decently well, her mother was lovely and I could tell she was trying to make a bit more of an effort. We are still planning to meet again for an event by me in the coming months, that'll be make or break.
Thanks again.
24 comments
It sounds like you both made the best of the situation and had some meaningful moments together. It’s great that her mother was supportive and that you ended on a positive note. Hopefully, the next trip will give you more clarity on the future of your relationship. Good luck!
Sounds exhausting. You probably deserve better
What’s he point when there’s millions of people out there for you though, and probably a fair few hundred in your home town? Not discriminating, but is it really worth investing your time into someone that’s going to a therapist and medicating and you’re already walking on eggshells? Just my 2c
oh wow, this went better than i expected an update to your first post to go, but still, how exhausting
I suspect that she’s using you as someone to say that she has a bf for whatever reason. The pic for the frame was what she needed and so she put in the effort for that. Strange that all of a sudden when you’re finally leaving, she’s doing the most.
Sounds like you should cut your losses.
Side note, I struggled with terrible anxiety while being in a LDR and was damn excited when finally meeting for the first time. I know we are all different but she practically ignored you the whole time you were there and I feel like she’s really not into you.
I’m glad the last day went well.
Hopefully you won’t have to go through this all over again next time.
I was in a long distance relationship with my bf too before so I can’t help but cheer for other couples in that situation. Obviously we were very different because we couldn’t wait to jump each other when we met lol. We also discussed seriously about moving when we met because there’s no way we can just go back to being long distance indefinitely again. So that’s one thing to consider if it is what you want.
I wish it will be easier on you both next time.
It feels like she was afraid of intimacy and any situation that could lead to it.
WAY to much Uber happening when she has transportation and you already paid to travel and come visit her. Seems very minimal effort on her part to me.
I’m invested in this story…
I read your first post but didn’t get the chance to comment, but I felt for your girlfriend. I was in a LDR relationship for a year during covid (he lived in Hong Kong and I live in California) and the first time we met each other I was a nervous WRECK. I don’t even have day to day anxiety so I was uncomfortable with how anxious I was when he was actually in front of me, a actual physical person.
We laugh about it now, but our first dinner date as a couple that day was pretty bad because I was too anxious to eat anything lol. But I felt like after the first couple days I started adjusting slowly but surely. I think your gf was in flight or fight mode and had to run away to cope, but I hope she comes to learn that exposure to what’s unfamiliar (aka you being physically with her) is the ONLY way to make this better. I recommend you guys get a hotel together or something for your next trip.
Closing the gap after being a ldr is never not awkward, scary, and sensitive. I’m glad you had a good end to your trip and I do hope you continue to hold out for her, you sound like a very patient and understanding person and I think you handled this great. Looking forward to an update in a few months!
Can confirm longer trips may help! so the pressure is off. I used to be so avoidant and odd for the first 48hrs I’d meet my bf after a long time apart. Kind of accidentally watching him from afar, scoping it out because it was quite overwhelming. After that passed everything would go to normal we would be very close. I just used to react to the initial feeling of having to reintroduce ourselves and finding him new and strange lol.
Hey – I just want to say that I get where you’re coming from – years ago I met someone online and we talked and connected in ways I never had with another person but she was 3k miles away from me (me in the USA her in the UK). We did the whole online thing for months and even online it got sexual (as sexual as it can I suppose) – but when she came with her brother to meet me in NYC it was…weird for the first few days. I think the issue here is it was a VERY short time for her especially since she has all kinds of anxiety – -meeting YOU was probably the most anxious thing for her, so in a way you were the reason why she was so standoffish.
I *will* say for me it’s now 17 years later and we’ve been married for 15 of those; I’m now in the UK with her after years of her living in the USA for me.
I read your first post and didn’t comment. I hope she comes around for you but I’d be weary of how long it will take to turn into something more serious. You seem very patient and accepting but at some point your needs and time (and I’m not talking sexual) should be considered. I had a close male friend that fell hard for a beautiful but troubled young woman going through severe anxiety and depression. It is too tough to watch that even after years she still pushes him away and refuses any intimacy. Unless he is planning, driving, jumping through hoops to get to her then there wouldn’t even be a relationship. She’s never happy anymore. He is always in the wrong. Wrong time, wrong gift, wrong flavor ice cream. So be careful. Don’t be that guy. Hope you find peace and happiness.
Is this the only person in the world for you, because if it were me, I’d nope out of this shit in a heartbeat.
I feel bad for her as a person dealing with her anxiety and emotions, but I’m not gonna stick around while she gets all that shit figured out. It could take years.
I’m a softie so the end of your trip sounds sweet. Coming back again after you parted I think really speaks to there being a genuine interest there.
From experience, the first meeting can be a wreck on anxiety. And the first short visit can be an emotionally stressful time. You’re hyper aware of the ticking clock and knowing you only have so much time so it can be overwhelming for a person. I also know other couples who failed at being intimate during their meeting for various reasons. I guess my point is LDRs will bring out intense feelings and stress, and while your weekend maybe didn’t go super ideal, it’s also far from the worst experience.
Definitely have more open convos now that youve met and don’t be shy about asking about how she felt about everything. Id plan more specifics and logistics too, that way no one is surprised about being alone at a certain time during the visit. Hope it goes well for you bro!
I’ve been in an LDR and honestly I was nervous to meet them but I set some ground rules for our first day physically together. No kissing and we grab food together just the two of us before I meet his family in person. That way the nerves have time to wear off.
It worked. If she was nervous about intimacy she should’ve communicated better. I have a feeling this will repeat again unless you explain what you felt you missed out on and what you want the next time.
You almost got more affection (a hug) from her mom than from your girlfriend. Sounds like a uphill battle, but do you OP.
Surely there’s a girl who lives closer with less issues… just saying this sounds like torture not a relationship.
brother this is not worth it. reading this is so upsetting. find a real relationship with a real person and not some online ordeal. you don’t even sound that into her; this post sounds like a slightly weird, but tolerable first date.
I’m glad your update was a little more positive than your first post, but honestly this relationship doesn’t sound like it’s worth the effort you’re putting in, homie. Seems like a lot of grief for not a ton of payoff.
Relationships are work for sure, but not THIS much work.
I like the optimism you have, and it’s good that she did come around a bit and that she is getting treatment. But, as you said, keep that optimism cautious. Over the next couple of months, keep checking in with her and have talks about how you both feel. (Also, see if she mentioned this to her therapist and how everything will go on that front in between.) Now that this went down, communication is gonna be more key even than before.
There may not be options where you are, but if this doesn’t work out, know that there are options somewhere. If this does end up working, then great. If not, then don’t fight just to settle because there’s no one else.
OP must be into some really niche stuff to be able to think this is worth it due to a few shared interests. You do you.
This sounds miserable lol
She is not ready to have a relationship with you…or anyone for that matter. You’re grasping at straws to prove that she “likes” you. She really just enjoys having a pen pal.