I could use some perspective on a dynamic in my (41m) marriage (18yr) that’s challenging for me.
Over the years my wife has gradually stopped complimenting me (especially my appearance, my looks) and has stopped being able to show general appreciation as well. For a decade+, I haven’t heard her compliment me or show sincere, affectionate appreciation. At the same time, my wife is a very boisterous and friendly, flirtatious person and I regularly hear her compliment other men, both in front of me, to her friends. “Omg, his dimples are so cute”. “He’s extremely handsome…” “I love when guys have strong forearms like that”. “I just love him! (another man we know)” She’ll often go out of her way to shower other men with praise and admiration to their face, often to the point it elicits their attention (naturally to some degree I think). This has created boundary issues at times in our marriage where other men interpret her as flirting. It’s lead to emotional and physical connection in a few cases. For me, that was validation that it’s a bit much, and confirmation that it’s cause for concern in our relationship. She claims to be totally unaware of how that could work since it’s not her intention, so it must be the man’s fault for taking it the wrong way, etc. It continues to happen, which has been hard for me in conjunction with the lacking affection, admiration between us. After years of talking about it and going to marriage counseling for the events related to it we just don’t see this the same way. I regularly experience what I would call a large gap in appreciation, admiration. This has left me feeling hurt, jealous and has lead to lots of arguments and heated debates.
I noticed this dynamic years ago and expressed displeasure and concern back then. We’ve been in couples therapy and individual therapy (ongoing) for this, among other dynamics. After countless books and therapy sessions validating that appreciation and admiration are a core part of a healthy relationship she has continued to default back to it not being something I should need. And she has continued to share it with others. This continues to be a source of strife for us.
For the longest tone I felt like I was just broken or crazy. Through reading therapy I today feel justified that I’m not totally wrong and that this is a normal part of a relationship (admiration, appreciation) and that some boundaries are appropriate, at least until this is repaired and trust has been built back up. Since then I’ve tried to engage her in it and effect change with poor, mixed results. In talking to her about it, she says she does find me attractive and says she appreciates me but just can’t communicate it. Given her history and what’s come out in therapy I have some perspective here that I can appreciate how it’s hard for her, but I’ve not seen much material change. She does say she loves me, daily, which I appreciate. But there’s another level of emotional connection and sharing that’s just missing, with me but not others.
At one point, out of curiosity, I asked her point blank to just try to go out of her way to think of a specific compliments and share it. It felt pathetic asking for this but I genuinely wanted to know what she was thinking since she said she did think them and just never tells me. She sat quiet for a long period (I already couldn’t have felt smaller). And what came out after a long silence was “well, I guess, it’s nice you’re not such a jerk to me lately”. Ugh. That moment really hurt to hear from someone I love so much (who I love to compliment and shower with appreciation and praise). At that point I feel there was something more going on. While I know we’ve had issues and I’m not perfect, and I can put her comment in a context where it doesn’t sound that rough, it is really hard to hear that as her best, first compliment in a long time – a backhanded compliment (to me at least). I’ve asked her many times to help me understand why this is happening and she assures me nothing is wrong and everything is fine. We are continuing therapy, at my request, because I feel something is wrong, missing.
Through therapy she has come to agree that in principle it seems a valid need, and that I might be justified in being hurt that she can’t share this with me but can with others. Over the years, she’ll oscillate been committing to working on it, then not live up to that commitment, and go back to saying I’m asking too much and should just know she appreciates me and I don’t need her to say it (while continuing to share it with others). That cycle of hope and hurt has been hard for me.
I struggle with self esteem and through therapy am understanding more about where that comes from (insecurity and a lack of emotional/financial/general support as a child, issues with my appearance as a teen, etc). I had started to share some of that with her this weekend. She empathized with me. Some of it seemed to finally click for her. She spoke about wanting to do better with this (again), commenting that it’s clear to her at least part of why I might need it and how it could hurt me that she does it so freely and easily with others but not me. That got my hopes up. Later that day, much to my surprise, she mentioned that the handsome man in the movie we were watching had “big dick energy”. Later, in regards to a random person on my Facebook feed I didn’t even know, she said “who is that pretty boy?” Ugh. I feel so dumb for getting my hopes up. Those comments hurt me, given our conversation earlier in the day and the vulnerability I had just shared with her. I shared with her that hearing that was hard for me. She told me I was taking it wrong and that she didn’t mean either as a compliment. I explained that it felt like the same type of appreciation of others she struggles to share with me. She got angry and turned her back on me with a frustrated sigh and rolled over to go to bed. We argued. I felt crushed, hopeless. The cycle broke down, again.
I had a hard time sleeping last night. I realize I shouldn’t be hurt by her appreciating other men. And I think I can get to the point I’m not so sensitive. But given our long history of this dynamic, and my personal issues (which I’ve just recently started to understand myself and have started to share with her) I’m having a hard time just letting comments like that go without taking it personally. Especially when she makes a commitment to close this gap and then (consciously or unconsciously) continues doing the same right after and deny that it’s an issue.
We’re both in therapy and I’m hopeful this eventually changes but I’m struggling. I know it’s hard for women to find insecure men attractive. I can appreciate that and own that I might by creating my own weather here if I’m not careful. I’m sure this is draining for her. I see that it is. But I also feel like I’m not crazy to be hurt that she can do this so openly and easily, just not for me. And I know if I don’t talk with her about it it’ll never change. A decade plus of waiting and asking for change has proven that. I just feel stuck between being hurt without seeing change and bringing it up only to cause a fight and/or to get my hopes up only to be let down again, while waiting out this long game of therapy doing it’s thing, if it does this time.
I could use some advice on how to navigate this. How to not take it personally. How to live with this dynamic in the meantime or accept it or create space for this to change without hurting so much along the way. I’m curious what others think are boundaries on what’s normal or okay and what’s not, what’s acceptable to live with. I’d love some perspective that I might be missing in therapy, what might be a blind spot for me.
Thank you.
6 comments
Wow i don’t know how you lasted this long.
Therapy is good to get over her comments but that won’t change her behavior towards you. You seem to be putting in too much effort into complementing her while she does not do the same, so stop. Put in as much as she is putting in. This is for your own sanity as well.
I wonder has this lead to any infidelity over the years? Have you asked her if she is in love with you?
I am a very no BS person, if my needs are not being met after multiple conversations and sufficient time has passed, i move on. This might be a bit harsh but i only have this life and i refuse to be miserable.
You are in the vicious cycle. You hold resentment for what she is not doing for you and has done. Thus when she says you were not a jerk today, she looks at you as possibly mean to her and not affectionate to her. So, both of you pull away from each other as not to get hurt further. I am going to give you and idea, and see if this works.
First, I want you to tell her we are in this cycle, and you want out of it because you love her and want to be with her. Write out everything that is bothering you. Have her do the same if you have not. Then take that list and make it a priority list. So tackle each issue one at a time. For instance, find one thing you can do for her everyday, that she would notice and appreciate. Do this everyday for the next thirty days, then move in to what is on the list as number two item. Continue doing number one, then move to number two for thirty days while still doing number one. She needs to compliment you everyday, and it needs to be sincere. So, she needs to do this for thirty days. Do this for thirty days, then continue on to the next item while continuing the first. It may take a year or more to get to them, but over time, it should come as second nature to both of you.
I hope this helps op, and let go of the past in. Order to move into the future with her.
Obviously, your #1 goal here is to disconnect your self-worth and sense of self from her estimation and validation.
– She’s on an unhappy path where she is constantly reaching out to unavailable men and neglecting the one right next to her. That sucks for her. It’s sad. It’s honestly pretty pathetic.
– You’re on an unhappy path where you’re expecting a miserable person to make you happy. That also sucks, is sad, is pathetic.
Step off of yours and separate any confidence you have from her. Make it untouchable. Have zero hopes for her change because you no longer NEED change from her to validate yourself as a worthy man. Not out of bitterness, spite, or resentment, but internal peace.
Don’t be mad at her. Pity her. Ask her how she feels being in a relationship with a man she resents and doesn’t respect while constantly reaching out to unavailable men for connection and listen to her response. Ask her if this is the woman and wife she intended to be and listen.
Don’t fight (she’ll want to fight, probably). Just listen. Reflect back what you think you hear to seek clarity.
And it doesn’t matter, really, because your confidence is a separate issue. You’re worthy, no matter her dysfunction.
Two things.
First, her: She can learn to develop gratitude. It’s a habit. She hasn’t learned it, but she can learn. This is something I was taught and something I practice in my marriage (29 years)
I say thank you. For little things, unimportant things, common things. Taking out the trash. Picking up the groceries. Remembering that thing. Reminding me of the other thing. Should he be routinely doing those things? Sure. Does it hurt me to be grateful? Not a bit.
I smile. I hug him in the hallway. I kiss him in the kitchen. I tell him he’s cute. I appreciate it when he appreciates me, even the everyday, like thanks for cooking. Since I do, I try to remember he does too.
She can learn. It’s simple to remind yourself to say thanks, and that’s an easy start.
Second, you: She may truly love and appreciate you but she may show it in non verbal ways. Does she go out of her way to do things for you? Is she considerate of you in other ways? What are her good qualities that you love?
I personally would find my own compliments. Help her help you. When she is positive about someone else, continue that in an upbeat, comical way. Y’all have been fighting. Stop that. Play instead.
“Oh he is/does? What about me? Look at this! Then whatever the other guy has (great smile, good abs) show off yours. Yes, I know. He’s a perfect specimen and you are perhaps less than that. Okay. So what? We are all. That’s why it can be fun and silly.
What have you and her personally done together that was amazing or fun that you have good memories of? Use those too. (He may have x but he never got to see you y)
You can get through this. Good luck
We are in a similar situation, although our genders are reversed. What I have come to realize is that all of his compliments and comments about the other women, they are easy for him to give because they’re fake. If not exactly fake in the literal meaning of the word, then at least not emotional and heartfelt. Those people hold no deep meaning for him, they’re just throwaway things, he gets a boost from boosting other people. When it comes to getting real for him is when it gets hard. And I am real. He doesn’t throw out half ass compliments at me, because I am a fixture in his life and am important. The important stuff is awkward for him. Therefore, zero compliments. He swears he views me favorably, just doesn’t put them into words.
I think you are, at least in this post, *really* glossing over the fact that the nicest thing your wife can say about you is that you’re not that much of a jerk lately. I know you mentioned working on this in therapy, but you’re not going to get any meaningful explanations about your wife’s passing interest in other men until you get to the bottom of why she feels that you’ve been mistreating her for a long time.