Since December I’ve been trying to get my boyfriend to get his passport renewed so we could go on a trip to Europe this year. I’ve never done any traveling outside the U.S. besides Canada and have been wanting to go to Europe forever. Finally about a month ago he applied for his expedited passport, and it arrived a few weeks ago.
Since then it has been two weeks straight that he has spent many hours each day playing video games, but NO time on trip planning even though I’ve asked him to do it and he told me he would but didn’t follow through many times.
I have been fully aware that prices have been increasing every day. It is now too expensive to fly basically anytime before mid-September.
Over the past few weeks I have invested many hours into finding flights that worked, but virtually all of them have just skyrocketed in price since he wouldn’t agree to them.
Over the weekend I spent a good 10 hours or so coming up with a complete itinerary of flights and hotels which sounded perfect. But he said he wants to come up with a completely different plan and see which of the plans works better.
I have been nagging him to help with planning and showing him how much prices have been going up, and he still will not help.
A week ago he asked his work if some vacation dates worked, and since the prices have gone up so much he now has to ask his work if some later dates work but lo and behold he has not done it.
He also has told me I am not allowed to take the trip solo – if I were to do so, he would leave me. I would much rather go with him but it’s looking more and more like that’s not happening.
If it were up to me I would’ve planned this trip and booked everything a few months ago.
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I hate being confrontational – his response to that tends to be anger and he comes up with things he’s unhappy with me about in response rather than taking responsibility for his misstatement if me – but I have written this letter to express my feelings, which I would appreciate some feedback on:
I have been feeling frustrated with your lack of participation in trip planning. It has been around two weeks straight that you haven’t helped with planning at all but spend many hours on games each day; it has been a very low priority for you despite how urgent the need to book plane tickets has been.
I have put many hours into coming up with a plan that would be suitable to you, but most of the flights I found have since become too expensive; I’ve wasted hours planning for nothing.
Since you have put it off for so long, almost everything until mid September is now too expensive. That is disappointing for me but you don’t seem to care at all and are unapologetic that your inaction has led to that.
It’s one thing to not participate in the trip planning at all, which is not ideal, but worse to prevent any progress from being made, sabotaging our ability to take the trip before fall/bad weather which we are on the cusp of. If you aren’t willing to plan before it’s too late, you could at least allow me to make the plans for us.
You said before we should at least be treating each other with the level of courtesy you would show a friend/roommate. Not participating in planning for weeks straight even after you see prices are continually going up, prioritizing many hours of games every day while not spending even a minute on planning, and preventing me from booking anything myself since I have put in a great deal of time and effort into coming up with a workable plan, shows a lack of basic courtesy. It would be unacceptable to treat a friend let alone a partner this way and I have felt very disrespected.
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Tl;dr, my boyfriend has sabotaged our ability to take the trip anytime before mid September due to his lack of help with planning, which he is unapologetic about and still is just playing video games with pretty much all his spare time and gets pissy with me if I bring it up. He also won’t allow me to book the flights/plan I’ve spent many hours coming up with. On top of it he has said he will leave me if I were to go on the trip by myself.
8 comments
Dump him and go on the trip yourself or with a friend. He’s a walking 🚩
He doesn’t want to go.
Why doesn’t he want you to go alone? Why dies he say hell break up with you if you alone? That’s not a usual thing to say.
>He also has told me I am not allowed to take the trip solo – if I were to do so, he would leave me.
This is not OK. He does not have any authority to say what you are *allowed* to do. Call his bluff; book the trip and go. Have a good time, and if he dumps you for doing so, then good riddance.
Sounds like he doesn’t want to go.
Also sounds like he sucks. Dump him.
It sounds like he is controlling. The fact he does not “allow” you to travel alone is a huge red flag. I would just not give him the satisfaction of ending it with you by dumping him and make plans on your own.
The letter is fine but don’t expect that to change anything. This is guy is freakin’ 36 so he won’t change. In fact I would guess he will just be more defensive and angry.
Go find someone else to enjoy your travels with or better yet and enjoy it on you own and meet fantastic and interesting people along the way.
He’s controlling and manipulating you, Op. He knows how much you want to go and how much you want to go with him. So he dangles the possibility that you will get to go and more importantly that HE will go with you. Like a cat playing with a mouse. He likes playing with your desire to travel and AGAIN that you WANT to travel with HIM because you care so much for him. He. Is.Playing. With. You. He thinks it’s fun and it’s amusing to him playing with you.
If you look back, I can almost guarantee it’s not the first time he’s played with your desire(s) and your love for him.
And if you stay with him, OP? I can guarantee it won’t be the last time.
I would take your trip by yourself as a newly single woman and enjoy the heck outta yourself!
Edit to add: The letter you want to give him? It’s really not anything new to him. You’ve told him this before but he ignores you. Playing with you.
You’re both being selfish here and he’s being selfish and controlling.
First, he doesn’t want to go on this trip, for whatever reasons. We can all see that. Which is 100% his choice but he needs to communicate that to you and not be wishy washy. Second, you’re hounding him about this trip that he clearly doesn’t want to take. You need to read him a bit better. Third, given all that there’s no reason why you can’t go yourself. You’re allowed to have different interests and hobbies and do those things. If you want to do them together that’s great. If you do them separately that’s great too. He doesn’t get to tell you what you’re allowed to do with your own time and money. He’s not your master. And You’re 30.
What are you getting out of this relationship? He sounds like a loser and mean to boot.
Oh girl, take the trip you’ve dreamed of and leave your selfish controlling inconsiderate AH bf behind with his video games. You don’t need him. He will always be like this. Don’t wait for him to leave you. You leave him and go to Europe and have the absolute best time! Then wait to find someone who will share these wonderful adventures with you.