The whole thing started with me trying to comunicate, in a calm and measured way, how I was a little upset about something that happened that day. It happened when my girlfriend and I were out together: I went to the bathroom and, when I got back, she was speaking with two random guys that decided to approach her once they saw her alone. I noticed from afar that one of those guys were clearly flirtatious and the other one was more distant – like he was just following.
The approach didn’t upset me that much. She’s an pretty attractive woman and guys are just going to try and talk to her when I’m not around; that happens and, of course, it’s not her fault. What bugged me out was the fact that she seemed really into it, even though it was obvious that the guy was trying to flirt. She was laughing, her body language expressed that she was open for it and it looked like she was deep down enjoying the fact that those guys noticed her. For context, she’s a pretty insecure person and I’ve been noticing, during the 2 months we are together, how she likes the validation that comes from guys hitting on her. I really believe that that was the case in that situation.
So later that day when we were at my place, I tried try to explain to her how those types of situations make me uncomfortable. I asked her to put herself in my position in order to think what she would feel and how she would react to it, since she is admittedly way more jealous than me – she has reacted really intensely to situations not even close to this one in gravity.
At first, she seemed understanding, she even apologized and said that I had the right to feel weird about the situation. I accpeted her apologies and said that it was okay, I was just a little upset and confused, but that was going to get better soon. Somehow, she didn’t like that. It was like she wanted me to immediately act like nothing happened after her apologies, even though I was still a little troubled with the whole situation. She asked me if I wanted her to go home, I said that that was going to feel like I was kicking her out of my house, so no; we could still hang out – I wasn’t treating her badly or anything. She decided to go anyways and I was like “ok, let me just get dressed so I can take you home”.
That was when she started crying. At first, I thought she was feeling guilty, so I felt bad and tried to hug her. She immediately rejected my affection and, after ignoring my first questions about how she was feeling, she started talking about how I hurt her by letting her go when she said she would. She also said that I had ruined our day with something minor, even though she had agreed that that was something that would have upset her as well.
I started to notice how she was acting like I was the big jerk of the situation and she was the victim. She wouldn’t have a conversation about what had upset me and what had upset her, she would just reinforce how I was insensitive and wrong. That whole thing made think that she was trying to take the focus out of the thing she did and put it in something I did, hoping I felt guilty about it and focus more on defending myself. It felt really manipulative and it caught me off guard. It’s the first time something like this happened in our 2 months of relationship.
What do you guys think? Was she being manipulative? Was I really a jerk in this situation? Help me with your opinions, please.
TLDR: After apologizing for being receptive to a guy hitting on her when I wasn’t around and admitting she would feel unconfortable as well if she was in my place, my girlfriend told me, angrily and while crying, that I really did her wrong for not trying strongly enough to convince her not to go home after she said she would in order to give me some space.
5 comments
She was either being manipulative or very immature. Either is a significant problem though when trying to maintain a healthy relationship. If somebody can’t talk through issues as they come up and be graceful when they have done something they should reasonably have expected to be an issue, then they aren’t ready to be in a relationship. I would either break up or discuss with her the fact that she doesn’t seem comfortable working through problems in the relationship, and you need to know if this was a one-time issue or if she generally will have trouble doing so.
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It sounds like you tried to handle an uncomfortable situation maturely, and once she felt called out, she tried to flip the script and make it about how she was somehow “wronged.” I think your gut instinct is correct. She seems extremely immature and unable to own up to her mistakes. Those are usually not good qualities to be looking for in a long term partner.
Is this a defined boundary in your relationship? I am permitted flirtatious banter with strangers in my monogamous relationships. I’m allowed to be receptive to it, and enjoy it. Maybe for you this seems like an obvious boundary, but I don’t think it’s a given for everybody.
I am going to be brutal. If she really likes you, she would have never entertained these guys. She would have told them to leave as she has a bf. As well, she likes the attention, just like an insecure person.
She is not for you. If you stay with her, you will be unhappy.
You decide.