Throwaway because my handle is a recognizable one. Names have been changed.
I married my sweet husband Liam last Saturday. It was perfect…except for one major hiccup during the reception.
Liam has an older brother, Ben and they’re very close so it was no surprise when Liam asked Ben to be his best man. While I like most of my new in-laws, Ben has always rubbed me the wrong way with his behavior. He would crack all of these jokes that aren’t really funny and tries way too hard to be the cool and popular guy. Think Screech from Saved by the Bell. Only ten times more annoying.
To be honest, I feel somewhat sorry for Ben. Liam was diagnosed with high functioning autism when he and Ben were kids. As a result, their parents lavished more time and attention on Liam. This led to Ben being emotionally neglected and as a result, he acted out big time in their teens. He got into trouble and this led to their parents swinging the pendulum in the opposite direction, lavishing attention on Ben. Liam kept his head down and didn’t say anything. To this day, their parents are more likely to side with Ben than Liam.
Liam is a sweet guy, as I mentioned. Unfortunately, he is a bit of a people pleaser and doesn’t really understand social etiquette and cues very well. It has caused some problems but I don’t regret knowing him or even marrying him.
4 weeks ago, Liam and I were having dinner with his parents and Ben. Everything was fun and we were all talking about plans outside the wedding.
That’s when Ben revealed that he had plans to ask his girlfriend of 5 years, Melody, to marry him. Of course we were all excited and asked about his plans for the proposal. That’s when Ben turned to Liam and said “I was hoping to do it at the reception!”
I laughed nervously, knowing his tendency to make bad jokes and told him “You do that any my brothers will throw you out of the venue!” But Ben got offended that I laughed…and I realized he was being serious!
Instead of asking me what I thought (which he’s pretty good about doing), Liam said “Of course you can! Melody will love it!”
I touched Liam’s arm and said “We’ll talk about it later.” He didn’t understand why I was so upset. I just wanted to get out of there as my MIL and FIL were too busy congratulating Ben and wouldn’t be able to tell Liam why it was a bad idea.
Liam and I moved to a different room and I explained to him about how another person proposing or making a major announcement was in bad taste as it takes away from the bride and groom. Liam nodded, crestfallen. Feeling sorry for him, I said “How about this, we organize a party with Ben for him to propose to Melody at? It would be far more memorable.” Liam liked the idea and we both went out.
I told Ben that we were willing to help organize a special party so he can propose to Melody there. But he was not to propose at our wedding. Ben nodded and I thought that was the end of that.
Saturday rolls around and the day goes off without a hitch. We get everything done and it’s time for the reception. Ben, as best man, has a speech prepared for us. It was full of bad jokes and weird attempts at puns but it was overall very nice. Part of Ben’s speech was to move around the tables, which should’ve been a red flag but I decided to not say anything.
At the end of the speech. Ben stopped at Melody and proposed!
I was so mad that I stormed out. Liam and my mom came to comfort me. Liam apologized over and over, saying “They told me it’d be fine. They told me it’d be fine.”
I was just done at that point. Mom offered to drive me home. Liam kept begging for forgiveness but I told him “Don’t call me. I’ll call you.” and left.
Needless to say, Liam and I haven’t seen each other since. My side of the family is angry at Liam and his family. His family, on the other hand are congratulating Ben and Melody. Most of their Facebook feed are pictures of Ben’s proposal.
I was prepared to file for annulment and move on. That’s until Liam sent me an email. I learned that Ben and their parents applied the pressure over and over on Liam until he finally caved the night before the wedding. I asked him why he didn’t come to me and he said “You were so stressed and I didn’t want to worry you!” Liam concluded with “I want another chance. Please give me another chance!”
Now I’m really torn. I don’t like that Liam went behind my back thanks to family pressure. That’s not a good sign for a marriage. On the other hand? I still love him and since he’s a horrible liar, I know he’s telling the truth.
I still haven’t made up my mind about what I want to do. Is our marriage salvageable? Can we rebuild? Liam is genuine but can I persuade him that a family should never do that to a member?
TLDR: My husband was pressured into letting his brother propose to his girlfriend at our wedding reception after I said no. Said husband is begging for another chance. What do I do?
38 comments
This is crazy. So u left ur own wedding and haven’t seen ur husband since? I mean… this was a pretty big screw up. He pretty much went against his new wife, who is supposed to be his #1. So that his brother could propose. I’d have a hard time getting past that.
All I can say is be prepared for a lot of this in the future. Unless you go low contact with them. The brother sounds annoying, tiring and toxic.
Or you could be petty and announce your pregnancy on their wedding day. You don’t even have to ask. Karma
You now know he will do this every time. Important decisions will be his side of the family only, if they want it.
Imagine when you have a 1-year-old and your husband’s mom decides no vaccinations, sugar is OK, beetroot is OK, never mind actual research. He just goes with it. And if you fold to the letter, well, they then know you can just be talked out of anything or accepting anything after the fact.
“It’s easier to dump a mama’s boy than to divorce a mama’s boy, but both of those are easier than trying to change a mama’s boy.”
Get the annulment, because it’s clear, concise and nice and legal. Also a lot easier, quicker and cheaper than a divorce. Also, a great check to see if he’s serious! Because his family will 100% not want this, so which is more important to him? A life with you or a marriage with you with his family’s approval?
Nothing is stopping you from trying to fix the relationship, but he has a LOT to atone for and words only go so far. You don’t have to be married to work on the relationship! You can always get married again! Also next time get a prenup.
I would move forward with the annulment, if possible. He betrayed you and then tried to spin it like he was doing you a favor. He’s proven himself a weak-willed, cowardly man who will put his biological family over his chosen family. And his family members are nasty pieces of work for pulling this.
He’s not a horrible liar. He lied to you when he told you that he respected your wishes to not have a proposal at your wedding. He looked into your eyes every day for a month, knowing what was going to happen and how you didn’t want it, and didn’t say a word.
Honestly, to really go scorched earth, talk to brother’s gf. Make it very clear to her brother was directly told by you not to propose at your wedding, you felt it was in incredibly bad taste, and both owe you an apology (presumably she said yes, which made this a bigger blow up instead of taking him aside and talking to him privately). If she was truly unaware, this could put her and brother’s relationship in a bad position. But he would absolutely deserve it. Or they’ll prove the deserve each other in a bad way.
As for Liam, whether you end it or not, go for the annulment. Much less complicated than a divorce. To continue the relationship itself, Liam has to prove he’s willing to set boundaries with family. God knows what’ll happen if you guys ever have kids… that could be nightmare territory. If you ever jump the gun for a wedding again, his family is not invited, and I suggest a fancy elopement. But he needs to understand this was a severe breach of trust on his part, as well. You would also be in your rights to end it
Liam is a spineless wimp and a faithless liar who will never have your back. Annul/divorce and get yourself a grown-up man.
Also his family can fuck right off. You really want to be dealing with that toxic pack of assholes for the next 40 years?
Also, Liam is not horrible at lying considering he helped ambush you at the wedding. Seriously, fuck that guy.
Has his family said anything to you after you left the wedding? I am so sorry that this happened to you.
I don’t think I could get over this because I would foresee them pressuring him to do other things in the future. I would need him to go low contact with them. Why do people think this is a good idea to do?!?
IMO, pretty easy, you have two basic choices given what you’ve written:
**1. Yes with consequence**s, take him back — BUT (and there always is one) he has to go NC with his family or you will fall second place time and again. What about kids and kids names, and so many other things like when to have them etc etc etc?
**2. No, also with consequences**, where you annul your marriage and the consequences are all his to wear. He loses all.
In actuality, only #2 is entirely up to you. The real question is, if you want to be with him, I would suggest it now has to come with added guarantees / protections for you.
Either way, his family already dont seem to respect, or even like, you, so it’s not like you are losing anything on that front.
Eww. Liam is like a child. No social cues? No spine? Prepare for the rest of your life to be like this!
Get pregnant and announce your pregnancy on Ben’s wedding day.
I’m sure he’ll love it.
Send his family a bill for the entire wedding reception. Inform them that you will take them to court in order that they pay. They ruined your wedding which you paid for. Your husband needs to go NC with his family if they bullied him into this. If he can’t do that then get an annulment.
Updateme!
The truth is when push came to shove he sided with his family and didn’t talk to you. What did he think would happen? did he think that you wouldn’t be stressed and upset when the proposal happened?
He may be sorry now because he didn’t think you’d actually leave him but i’m not sure he does deserve a second chance.
I’ll I will say is you now know when the pressure is on who he will back. Every major decision in life gets input from others. Disagreement on raising kids his parents will pressure and he will follow their lead. You know what you are getting into , do you want that ?
Has anyone from his side of the family apologized? His parents or brother ?
Are you sure you want this for the rest of your life?
Your husband going behind your back doing things that you already said no?
His family putting pressure? fuck it, this is not a excuse good enough for this type of thing..
what more he will do? name your kids in the future with a name that you didnt consented just because his family wants to?
I’m so sorry this happened to you! As someone whose in laws ruined my wedding I’m in a unique position to sympathize. I think that your life with Liam is going to be unpleasant, especially if you have kids. He will hide behind his autism diagnosis and always side with his parents. The toxic in-laws are not worth it. You are so young and have so much life ahead of you. Don’t waste it with this family
He will always cave to his family of origin. He may love you, but clearly he has no spine and will never put your feelings or needs first.
File the annulment now, decide if you want to stay with him after. Either he goes through the long journey of making it up to you and earning the right to be married to you OR you find someone who isn’t going to cave to family pressure and make a fool of you on your wedding.
I’d prefer you do the latter.
Though still want to be with him you really need to sit down and talk through how your future will go. If you want to do the opposite of what his family wants again in the future, what is he going to do and can you trust that he will put you first? What did he learn from this situation? If he’s just upset that you’re upset but doesn’t make an effort to change things then I’m not sure that you’ll ever have a happy marriage.
Ugh. Letting someone else steal the limelight at your wedding is a colossal faux pas. He’s done something embarrassing and disrespectful to you before all your family and friends.
Sure there might be pressure from his family, but he has to learn that there are consequences for this. Get the annulment before it becomes a divorce situation (and more expensive and combative).
Sorry Liam. You blew it.
So the bride walks out of the wedding during the best man speech. She doesn’t return for the rest of the night. None of the family has tried contacting you, right? And all they talk about is the proposal? You husband might be a people pleaser, but these people are assholes. They’re unrepentant, selfish, and completely oblivious to the harm they cause.
Maybe the marriage can be salvaged. Maybe your husband has learned a very important lesson. I really can’t comment on that without knowing him.
But that family… I don’t know. I’ve seen marriages fall apart because the son can’t stand up to his family. If you don’t think he’s capable of shutting them down, if you think he’s going to cave to them, then I think you’re best served getting an annulment.
Just don’t file the certificate. He caved for them ON HIS WEDDING! Can you imagine how it might go at the birth of your child?
Updateme!
Edit: spelling
Sounds like Liam learned a good lesson for his next wedding…
He just showed you that even on your wedding day his family will come first.
I feel bad for both of you. He’s clearly being taken advantage of. I think your marriage is definitely salvageable but the relationship with the rest of his family isn’t. It’s hard to stand strong when your whole family is against you, I can only imagine being high functioning at the same time. They bulldozed him, plain and simple. They knew they could, they probably also told him not to tell you because it would “stress you out”. I’ve been around family that has that level of toxicity before and it’s amazing the lengths they’ll go to.
There are rare instances where an ultimatum should be delivered. It’s usually a case of “you should have already done this” and you just need to leave a person. This is the niche area where it genuinely needs one. This is less of his behavior being a problem and more of theirs. You have to lay it out for him because they’re forcing the hand. In no way should it be “it’s me or them” but it was never going to be a choice, they decided that already.
Give him the ultimatum “it’s us as a team/family or your family, you don’t get to have both.” Explain to him that you’re marrying him, not his family, and vice versa. If he’s willing to put the two of you as a couple first, then hear him out. If not, annul.
TL;DR – His family is awful for putting pressure on someone they knew would fold, that they could manipulate, and sacrifice y’all’s happiness. Give him a choice of you or the family, he gets a ~pass. Annul him if he doesn’t side with you.
I’d get an annulment and then have Liam re-propose at Ben’s wedding. But during the ceremony. Win-win.
Maybe mention that your family are pressuring you for an annulment.
I would never be able to trust him again. He disrespected and disregarded you on what should have been the most important day of your relationship, of your lives. Literally the first day of your marriage.
The only possible way I could see moving forward is with Liam committing to individual and marriage therapy and removing his manipulative family from your lives. I would also suggest moving as far as possible away from them if you can.
Nah he’s a spineless wimp… Just go for annulment
The fact he said “They told me it’d be fine.” says it all. If you stay, you would be spending your life with a puppet, not an actual man. The fact his family is busy congratulations Ben when Liam’s marriage is imploding says a lot about how he lets them treat him, and by extension how they will always treat you. Get the annulment and run. He’s not worth it. He will never stand up for you and will always pick his family over you.
It seems to me that at this point there is one and exactly one thing that Liam can do which would make it reasonable for him to ask you to give him another chance at proving he’s prepared to be in a healthy adult relationship where he doesn’t override your needs any time his family tells him to: he can cut off his entire family, completely and permanently.
If he’s willing to do that, then I think I’d count that as good enough. Though I’d still advise annulling the legal marriage right now and maybe re-marrying legally in a year or two if he actually sticks to no contact; you’ll regret not doing the easier paperwork if he promises to and then backslides under pressure and you have to give up on him later.
🥴 imagine putting up with this the rest of your life.. Can you actually do that?
His family manipulated him. They have probably been doing this their entire lives.
He isn’t ready for the kind of relationship that marriage involves. He bowed down to them – * on your wedding day* – 🚩🚩🚩 and it will continue. Just take a look at the thousands of people on r/JUSTNOMIL
All of their stories have a common thread. Dysfunctional families that have no boundaries and their unwitting spouses who become the scapegoat.
This is not what you want or need. You know this. You walked away on your wedding day. There is no coming back from this.
I remember this post from a while ago.
An annulment sounds reasonable. From there you can choose to continue the relationship or not. A wedding can come later with Ben not being a part of the wedding party (or at the wedding, depends what you are comfortable with). If Liam wants to continue the relationship and isn’t ok with Ben not being in the wedding party when the time comes then you have your answer as well I guess.
So Liam apologized. What is he offering to do differently? How will he hold himself accountable? How will he set boundaries with his family? How will he ensure nothing like this ever happens again?
Hint: you shouldn’t be the one to tell him these things. The above all should have been in his apology.
If all he’s doing is saying sorry and also blaming his family for his choice to betray you, it doesn’t matter how many times he actually says sorry. He’s not actually changing.
He might be genuinely sorry it happened like this, but blaming it on his families pressure is still deflecting responsibility (he knew you didn’t want this).
The only apology I’d consider in your place is one that names what he did wrong, names the impact, names the reasons why he chose to do it without blaming others and instead in the service of acknowledging how he knows it’ll never happen again, and then outlines exactly what he plans to do to ensure he never makes a similar mistake that impacts you or anyone else in this way again.
In other words, “I want another chance” is not an apology. “I messed up by listening to my family and plan to go low contact with them whether you forgive me or not because I recognize they pressured me into hurting another person and do not have my best interests at heart. I also plan to seek therapy to work on my communication, I should have told you this was happening, and my assertiveness, I should have stopped it” might be.
You can’t say that you don’t regret marrying him in the same post as you’re considering annulment/divorce.
It’s been a week.
Does Liam agree he was in the wrong? What does he propose will change if you stay together?
Totally salvageable, if you want it to be.
Look, your husband is high functioning autistic and his family know that… which means they went behind YOUR back to take advantage of him. *you specifically told Ben that you did not want him to propose at your wedding and he still did it against YOUR wishes; his persistence makes him a shitty person, not Liam*. I have a feeling that Ben might’ve still done it even if Liam hadn’t caved. Heck, there’s a chance that Liam didn’t actually say yes, but his “no” was met with “it will be fine” so many times that he *feels* like he must’ve somehow approved it. One way or another, I’m 99% sure that this was a case of his family manipulating him into letting Ben take the spotlight yet again. People on the spectrum tend to have a very hard time with social norms, and in some cases – as with my own partner – an even harder time with confrontation. You might have to act as the backbone of this partnership… but I feel like you either knew or should’ve known that when you said your vows.
There are plenty of partnerships where contact with one set of parents is lower than another. If you get back together with Liam, I’d keep things LC with his family, that’s for darned sure… I feel like it doesn’t matter who he ends up with, they’ll find ways to take advantage of him until somebody gets him just a little further out of their reach. He’s going to struggle to set that boundary for himself.
I call bullshit.
We have all the markers – absolutely perfect significant other BUUUT … also let’s throw autism in there.
In laws who overstep. And apparently don’t care an entire reception was ruined ?
Did the reception just go on without the bride or groom?
You didn’t speak to your husband until he emailed you?
Not to mention you don’t need to file an annulment – just don’t send in the marriage certificate. Something you would probably know if you actually had a wedding.
I find this extremely hard to believe.