Context:
My (29M) wife (30F), her best friend, and I were BSing in the living room a few days ago (I think I was going to buy some whiskey to make a hot toddy for my throat), and we ended up playfully cursing (we do this from time to time)
Me: Ah, fuck you people. I’m gonna go get my stuff.
Wife’s BFF: Nah, suck my dick then. :p
Wife (to me): You know what? I was gonna give you head, but you said that, so now I’m not.
My wife has said this comment before and I’ve let it go. This time though, it really struck a nerve with me.
Some insight: my wife doesn’t initiate touch well, if at all. I know this, so to hear her make this comment is very conflicting, because most of the time, this wouldn’t happen. She wouldn’t initiate anything sexual, so why say it?
So, I go into my bedroom, get a little emotional, calm down, and then have my wife come into the room, where I tell her what she said really hurt my feelings.
Wife: It was a joke…I’m sorry, though.
I don’t doubt that she meant it as a joke, but it still bothers me. It feels like a slap in the face, because knowing her issues with initiating physical touch.
Do I bring it up again? Or do I just let it go?
13 comments
I mean what do you want to accomplish by bringing it up again? She apologized. I wouldn’t bring up this specific moment again; it’s not really your main issue anyways.
Before you gave the context, I definitely assumed your wife probably went down on you a lot, and I can see why it would sting for her to say when this is a problem in your relationship right now.
I think you should continue communicating with her about the problem, just not this specific event. Like hey, I really need you to understand that I’m struggling with regard to our intimate life. It’s a big problem for me, and I need your help to work on it together. I don’t think it’s funny.
It’s a joke, she apologized. I’d just get over it bud.
When jokes have truth, it hits different. Usually the rule of thumb is not to joke about genuine relationship struggles with your SO. I would suggest talking to her about this and make sure to ask if there is anything that she needs from you as well.
It’s a joke she apologized get over it. You have now realized you can’t have that kind of joking fun any longer. It gets too sensitive for you and just causes your feelings to be hurt. So explain that this kind of joking shouldn’t be done in my presence any longer as it isn’t healthy for you. If that means the three of you don’t drink while together or you don’t hang out with the tree of them that’s how it should be.
In saying the following I realise I am fortunate in that there isn’t a whole pile I cant/won’t say in front of my wife /company we are with. We are apart at the moment due to housing/work but working on getting our own house. Renting not an option as I can no longer justify dead money.
I think open lines of communication on both sides is extremely important, the silent treatment doesn’t work. Tell them I need space, I want to be left alone etc. The same with your physical relationship, you know what’s going on as well as she does. If she knows how you fell about the initiation issue, then the joking stops, as she knows it hurts. If it continues it’s because she doesn’t care about how you feel.
Super sucks when your wife misrepresents herself. I was married for 22 years and that woman would say some stupid things in front of others. I’d be like, “Why you lying, you wouldn’t do that for me…” It shut her right up. If she wants to say how awesome she is in front of her friends, let her know how not awesome she actually is in said regard, in front of said friends. She probably won’t make a joke like that again.
Of course communicating your needs is the most important lesson here. Saying that comment hurt my feelings is one thing, The why of the hurt is another and probably needs a discussion, it’s because she never actually initiates and wouldn’t blow you.
Obviously something deeper is bothering you. Go explore that with your wife than asking strangers on Reddit
I agree with everyone saying get over it but I would still talk to your wife more about being more comfortable initiating. Most people wanna be desired and that should be something that she’s willing to work on
She knows what you want and actively flaunts it to terrorize you. She knows. And she’s doing it on purpose.
My husband and I have been in that boat on both sides a few times in our (going on) 7 years of being together. It’s more than just “get over it” which is a little insensitive to say, in my opinion. It sounds like she is not making you feel desired. That’s a conversation you need to have with her and tell her it’s hurting you. Maybe ask if there’s anything that’s making her not want to initiate? One of those gentle conversations.
Let it go
It’s a joke, she apologized 🙃explain to her that you don’t like this type of jokes and get over it
It’s a symptom of an incompatibility that you need to try not to build up resentment over.