Let me explain. My parents are strict about some things, especially when it comes to relationships. They don’t approve of kissing and being touchy feely before marriage, and they (especially my mom) want to know everything when I’m not comfortable with sharing some things cause I feel like I deserve some privacy.
Meanwhile, I do not agree with their point of view. I believe in sharing physical affection with a partner to a certain limit. I do not want intercourse before marriage simply because that’s what I personally believe, it’s hard for me to trust people so that is a part of the reason why I feel that way, other than that I couldn’t imagine not kissing my boyfriend or doing other things.
That being said, when I do these things I feel guilty as if I’m disappointing them. My entire life I’ve tried so hard to be the perfect kid and not do anything to upset them but I feel that I’m starting to crumble under the pressure and I don’t think I can take not doing thing I want to do because they won’t let me.
Which leads me to my next point. They also won’t let me sleep over at my boyfriends before we’re married. I didn’t ask but when we talked about the subject they told me they would never allow it. The thing is I know my boundaries, and I know that I wouldn’t do anything wrong, they’ve met him, we plan on getting engaged soon, so they know him and he plans to marry me. I know I would NOT do anything to shame them but I really would like to spend a weekend at my boyfriends place (he is going to be alone).
I also talked to him about having intercourse before marriage and he agrees to wait, he never tried crossing my boundaries so I know he wouldn’t do anything. There is simply no way to make my parents let me go so I would have to lie to them and say I’m sleeping over at a girl friends house.
Whole my life I’ve felt like I can’t do anything for myself, I’ve never lied to them about my whereabouts and such and when I talked to my bf about it he says that he doesn’t wanna force me to sleep over but as far as guilt goes he told me that I shouldn’t expect for my kids to not ever lie to me.
Would I be in the wrong for it? Would that make me a bad person and should I do it?
TL;DR Parents won’t let me sleep over at my bfs, I’ve always been the perfect kid, should I lie and go anyway?
12 comments
What are the consequences of you telling your family that you own and control all of your actions and will start to make your own decisions in life?
You are an adult and need to control your own life. You cannot live your life out of fear of disappointing your parents. Your parents (and religion) have messed with your head regarding sex. Affection and sex are important aspects of a romantic relationship and sexual incompatibility is one of the reasons people divorce.
When you think that one day sex is wrong and next day (wedding night) sex is right, it makes it very difficult to have a healthy sexual relationship. That guilt does not disappear over night. It is so much better to accept that sex is a natural part of life. Touching and affection are natural. At your age you need to find out what you want without guilt and sin and disappointment controlling your actions.
My parents were somewhat similar to yours. They always told me that whenever I get into a relationship that it’s better to wait til marriage to have sex with my partner because marriage is sacred and a beautiful thing to do. I agree with them but I didn’t think that’s what I wanted to do. Just like you, I have always obeyed them to be the “perfect daughter” in their eyes. However it felt controlling at times. I carry trauma from when they first found out I was talking to a guy (one of my first middle school crushes) and let me tell you they were NOT happy about it. I was 13 at the time and I get that I was young but never was there a thought in my head where I wanted to go beyond with this guy to the point where we would have sex. It was innocent love. After that experience I was scared of relationships and having crushes.
I moved out for college after graduating high school. They have an app to track my location and would always be asking me where I was or why did I turned off the app when the app itself would literally turn off on its own. I felt like I couldn’t even trust them if they didn’t truly trusted me. I got into my first relationship about a year ago. The whole process was a roller coaster because I technically had to keep it lowkey as if I were hiding the fact that I had a bf now. My dad was the first one to find out and it just happened at such horrible timing.
I’ve done the deed with my boyfriend and much more. My parents don’t know because they don’t live in the same city and they don’t know we sleep together. It’s surprising that after they found out I had a bf they never asked me questions like if I’m a virgin.
My point here is, live your life. You’re already 21, you’re a young adult and you can make your own choices. Whatever your parents taught you is good but at the end of te day is up to you to make the choices. You and your boyfriend seem to be following a good and healthy path. It’s sad to see your parents can’t even trust you to be alone with your boyfriend. Then again it also depends on whether you guys have been together for just a few months or over a year. I get that parents want the best for their kids but they gotta let us breath sometimes. We gotta experience life the way we chose to, not the way they plan it.
It won’t make you a bad person if you go over to your boyfriend’s house. I would say to just go for it. Don’t feel guilty for doing something you want to do.
What would happen if you left home. Are you financially dependent on them?
While i don’t have parents like yours, I have in other ways come into contact with people with similar views and my thought is this: if you as a parent try to control your adult child’s life it will only hurt them. If they refuse to listen to their child when they consider their parents opinion and chose their own way, they will either raise a restricted and unfulfilled adult that can’t make their own decisions, or someone who does things in secret, or even cuts them off.
So yeah, lie all you want if it allows you to live the life you have chosen. When you are on more equal ground with your parents you can take these discussions in another way, and you won’t have to lie. I assume you live with them, and when you stop doing that it will be harder for them to nitpick your life, or abuse you if you don’t do as they say. That is not right and I really hope you can get out as soon as possible, and preferably without rushing into marriage.
Hi,
Just out of curiosity, are you Muslim? Do you come from an islamic background?
There re two steps you need to take to resolve this:
1. Move out
2. Get extensive therapy
You should not lie to your parents. That’s never going to go well.
You should have an honest conversation.
I know… I feel…
They need to trust you… give you privacy.
And if they don’t trust you then you have to make decisions on your own and to keep your privacy maybe you need your own apartment.
You are an adult.
BTW – not having sex before marriage “simply because that’s what I personally believe” is not completely accurate. You only believe that because of what your parents taught you. And by the way your parents are reacting, I’m going to suggest that they know just how unreasonable that is.
Good luck.
If you want to act grown (doing what you want) then you need to act grown (move out, pay your own way). Ultimately you can do whatever works for you and I agree that your parents are being unreasonable. However, it’s their home and they’re gonna do what they think is right. So, if you want to stay with your bf then accept the consequences of doing that.
I’ll never understand how people get married without knowing if they’re physically compatible…
Exactly how long are you going to remain a child and allow your parents to control you? Until you’re engaged? Until you’re married? Until you have your own house? Until you have kids. You realize full well you’ll have to stand up to them at some point. How long do you want to let them control you? Don’t wait!
Sometimes you need to break up with your parents to become an adult. I had to. It’s hard, it’s scary, but it can be liberating. They want you to remain a child forever, alas, but you are free to leave the nest and spread your wings. I hope you find freedom.