Little background here: it’s not perfect between us recently. We are together for 4 years now and share same apartment for 3. My GF always was a little bit pedantic – at the beginning to the stage where she was making arguments about where which mug should stay. For a last few weeks we were having a tough time too. Yesterday we were cleaning our apartment, I was responsible for vacuuming and cleaning the floor and she took a bathroom on herself. When it came to cleaning the floor she ordered me to do it according to her order – so starting from rooms to the kitchen at the end. I usually do it starting from kitchen so I did this time – since it’s me doing cleaning I can do it as I want. She became furious saying why I can’t listen her over such a thing, and I can either do it as she want or I should just stop. So I said that I can leave the floor as it is but I won’t be treat like a kid ordered where and how to start cleaning in the apartment I live and pay for too. In return she took and hid my computer (I work from home) so I can’t return to work. I told her she’s ridiculous and she’s not behaving like a healthy person and it might be good if she seeks some help over her anger problems. I decided to take a walk after that (when I was leaving she threatened me that if I leave I might not coming back as well) so I can calm myself, when I was back my bag was just before doors and she told me she doesn’t want to watch me.
I had to find a room in a hotel for a last night (my family’s home is over 2h by a car so it was not an option) and today morning she called me saying she’s sorry and she wants to meet to talk. To be completely honest I’m very confused now and don’t know what to think about it. I don’t know if I should break up, if it’s already a dealbreaker for me. If I should meet her (although I don’t feel it’s a good idea) or maybe I should visit my family for a few days and rethink It all. It’s also my first serious and long relationship which makes it even harder.
TLDR: after an argument my gf basically throw me away from our apartments so I had had to sleep in a hotel. Now she’s calling me to return to talk and saying she’s sorry. I’m confused and don’t know what to do.
What would you do in my place? Take a few days off and give yourself a time to reconsider it? Is it normal that I’m this confused? I would really appreciate your views on this.
29 comments
Do you have many good positive time/stories with her? If yes, meet her and resolve it by clarify how you both can handle any future conflicts.
But if there aren’t enough positivity, then you can just take time off. Like you rightly did by walking away. Let time decide it eventually .
Ultimately, fights can ruin a perfectly good relationship.
In your place I would end the relationship if she doesn’t agree to counseling. This is abusive in several different ways, all of which are concerning.
Did you get your laptop back?
She is being very manipulative and her behaviour is totally unacceptable. Personally I don’t think it matters if you meet up and talk or not. If you don’t break up with her you need to set some clear non negotiable boundaries and stick to them. I hope things improve.
She kicked you out. Then realized with you gone all the bills there fall on her. That’s why she wants you back
Don’t give her a second opportunity to kick you out. You live in the apartment too. She should have left if she was upset. She sounds very controlling. She packed your bag and kicked you out because you dared to mop the floors your way. You now know she will kick you out if you step out of line. And she knows she can snap her fingers and you’ll come crawling back. Tell her she needs to send you the money for the hotel before you consider meeting her.
Go back, get your stuff (including your works computer) then leave. She sounds controlling and manipulative. Her way or the highway.
Just leave. She’s not worth it. 10 years down the road, after kids and all the other crap you’ll go through, it’s just not worth it.
>What would you do in my place?
I would End the relationship since she’s immature and manipulative. No one wants a partner who treats them like a kid. Suggesting a way to do is one thing but instructing and creating an issue over it is an area of concern.
I’d leave….that’s what I’d do in your situation…leave and don’t look back….terminate your part of the lease (if you own, buy her out) and keep it pushing. She’s manipulating you.
Your gf is nuts. She’s not mentally OK, you better dump her and take your time to rest and eventually try and find a good woman that loves and respects you.
She is a basket case. You really need to reevaluate this relationship and decide if you are willing to put up with these types of behavior for a long time. Matters will get more complicated when children are involved.
Knowing myself, I would give the relationship another chance but not before going away for abit. She kicked you out while being in an irrational state, she was micromanaging what you should and shouldn’t do. She has the attitude of It’s my way, the only way. Doing things differently throws her off her balance and she goes berserk. Hiding your laptop to punish you is so immature.
I’d list down her behavior when I see her again, tell her it is concerning to me and it has to change. I’d even work with her to better handle the emotions. But only if she’s willing. Relationships take work but sometimes when we know it’s beyond us that we have to let go. Good luck!
Are you a man or a yo-yo?
This may seem like a weird thing to break up over but, as you say, there have been a lot of issues and bumps in the relationship and this may be the straw that breaks the camels back.
The cleaning is a her problem. I know this because I kinda was her a smattering of decades ago. And, yeah, it came from my upbringing. I had to let go of expectations on a lot of things. “There is more than one way to skin a cat”…..it was a hard lesson for me. We, to this day, still joke about “my way.”
If you are asking what I would do in your place? I would have made it very clear to her from the very beginning that I don’t need to be told what to do, or how to do it. If she still tried to order me around after that I would have left her controlling ass ***immediately***!
You obviously have tolerated this kind of behavior while you should have nipped it in the bud at the first signs of it. So, you are partly to blame for her behavior by allowing it and tolerate being disrespected. But this story you told us is just way over the top! I cannot understand why you are confused about leaving her or not.
I normally hate the tendency of this sub to always tell people to leave, but in this case I think it is totally warranted.
Hiding your work computer should be a deal breaker. Starting fights about which room to clean first should be a deal breaker. How have you lasted this long in this relationship?
I’m baffled really.
You said it all in your post, nobody who’s healthy would act this way. Her behaviour is very controlling, abusive, and actually makes me think she has a personality disorder. Wether she does or not, you should not be in a situation where you are abused.
She barred you access to your property, and decided she had the right to decide to throw you out. If she didn’t want to see you, she was the one that had to get away, not you.
If roles were reversed, do you think she’d forgive you? Or she’d come back and hold it over your head for years? Is this how you want to live??
I’m impressed because you actually behaved in all the right ways. But this is not a woman you should keep around. Do not risk getting baby trapped btw
Look I stayed 4 years with a person who did the same exact thing the only luck is that even if we lived together I could pay for a little apartment room in case we wanted some time alone, every damn time we had an argument I had to go out, then she would call me back saying that she wanted me back, it’s a never ending thing because she will have te urge to do it again if she doesn’t understand that you can’t throw someone out just because we argue, YOU TWO, TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE ARE LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE FOR THE FIRST DAMN TIME, OF FUCKING COURSE YOU WILL HAVE TO ARGUE but more important is to learn how to argue in an healthy manner AS A DAMN COUPLE, if you think that she is the only one that has to change then do yourself a favour and leave her, start again and look for someone that hasn’t this issue or learn to communicate with eachother
Tell her you won’t talk about anything until you get your laptop and any other important stuff back. Then hit the road. She sounds manipulative, controlling and exhausting. You can do better.
If you want to save the relationship, you can suggest counseling and see how she responds. Anything other than full acceptance would be grounds to leave. But then again, I’d have been gone a long time ago.
I lived with a woman like this. It was emotionally, psychologically and physically draining. You need to end this now, and tell her, straight out, that you will NOT be controlled or manipulated like that, and that you are NOT her subordinate or slave.
Her behavior is really just so out of bounds. From being so micromanaging to so OTT to steal your work laptop and then throw you out.
If this is super out of the ordinary behavior I would ask her to get a physician’s evaluation. My husband and I have a pact that if one of us suddenly acts totally out of character the other would push for a brain scan.
If she has always been a bit controlling and is escalating then you should consider that this is who she truly is. Do you want an embattled life with this person? You’re young. You can find someone kind to be with.
I would break up with her and decide who is leaving the apartment and who is staying. Talk to the landlord to see what can be done. But I would definitely end this toxic relationship.
If she didn’t give your computer back, then go “talk” to her but grab the computer first. It sounds like this relationship has run its course.
“In return she took and hid my computer (I work from home) so I can’t return to work.”
Do not go back to this controlling woman. It will only get worse.
You’ve been warned.
I think you need to sit down and have an adult conversation where she gets to voice her opinion with no interruptions from you and you get to do the same.
However, this can also be a place where you put your foot down and tell her that you will not tolerate this type of behavior if it ever happens again, you’re gone and will not be coming back.
If she wants to nit pick on every little thing you do, then she can do it herself just as she wants.
I had the same problem with my husband who has OCD. If I put something in a pan horizontally he’d come behind me and put it vertically. I’d just walk away and tell him to do it. Sooner or later he learned that if continued to go behind me and redo everything I did, then I’d stop doing it. Same thing with the dishwasher. I’d put the dishes in, and he’d go back and rearrange everything in the dishwasher. So I stopped doing that and just put them in the sink.
When questioned as to why I wasn’t putting them in the dishwasher, I said because it seems he is the only one that can do it correctly, so you just are letting him do that.
You need to figure out if this is a break up thing for you or not. Some people might say yes, some say no, but this is something only you can decide. But I will say, just because two people do something two different ways, doesn’t make one right and one wrong. There are many different ways to do something.
If she doesn’t like the way you do it, then she can do it herself.
Good luck.
She sabotaged your career by hiding your laptop. That right there would be a deal breaker for me and result in a break up. Plus her controlling behavior, anger issues, and the fact that she kicked you out of the place you live in, forcing you to spend money on a hotel room…yeah, it’d definitely be over between us if it were me
**She wants you back because she misses her victim and doesn’t have anyone to abuse. Dump her.**
Hiding your work laptop is absolutely insane. Normal, healthy grown women do not behave like this.