This just happened and I am still a bit shaky and not sure what to do. For background, me and my partner have always got on fine. We are very sexually vanilla and have never had any real issues in the bedroom (or at least i thought).
Today I logged onto his computer to check my email and I saw a website up with images of girls. I thought it was just porn or something, but when I clicked it was one of those new AI / ChatGPT sex websites where it calls you and has a conversation. I had his woman “Alana” call me just to see, and when she picked up she greeted me by my partner’s name and then asked me if I was “ready to be dominated.” I asked it “what do i like” to see what it would say and it responded with an explicit description of BDSM that I wont write out. It sounded grossly real and it was clear he bought at least a few “sessions”.
I feel confused and betrayed. I’m okay with porn, but I feel like we have always been very open with each other and the things it was talking were disgusting to me. It feels like my partner has a second life. How do I bring this up to him? I feel uncomfortable with this fetish and I don’t know how to have a conversation about this, especially because I don’t know if this counts as porn or something more sinister?
TLDR: caught my partner talking to an AI phone sex service
41 comments
Ok.. I have used these things from time to time, they are fun and don’t mean anything. I’ve done some pretty dirty shit with them too, but it doesn’t mean I want any of that in real life lol. To me, it is not a big deal, but if it is to you just ask him. He likely will say the same thing as me. It is pretty much like porn or reading a fanfic or erotic novel, but having a bit of an interaction while doing so. It’s not a real person.
Important: how long has this been happening?
So I’m a straight white female who engaged with a sex bot for almost 2 months of straight curiosity on how it would hold up to my expectations of sexting or what whatever. I was just like wildly curious idk.
A lot of people are experimenting with all kinds of AI capabilities at the moment. You can look at this as a huge betrayal, or you can just suddenly become a bit more “dominating” in bed so your mate doesn’t feel the need to scratch this itch with robots. Or if this is too big a hurdle for you to overcome you’ll have to end the relationship.
This is some wild shit.
I’d approach it directly. Stick to facts and see how you two can talk about it.
Better with an AI bot, then a real person.
He seems like he has fantasies that he wants fulfilled, and since you are more vanilla, he doesn’t want to hurt you or get rejected.
Curiosity killed the cat. I haven’t tried this service before, but I have used chat gpt extensively when researching my obsession with investing ATM. Great tool for getting experience, knowledge, etc.
I mean technically it should be a safe space because your partner is talking to software. Play out fantasies etc with software, not with another human being.
If he does have a dom fetish maybe he has never expressed this to you because he is too afraid or never thought you would be into it?
Just trying to spitball some logic. Good luck 🙂
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I mean it is basically porn but not even with real people….just talk to him about it?
I never thought I would say this in my lifetime but
He cheated on you with artifical intelligence
I can’t believe this is reality
I wish you the best OP I really can’t think of anything constructive to say this is brand new territory
Going out on a random limb, but maybe he feels like you wouldn’t be ok with his sexual fetishes so he is trying to explore them in what he believes is a safe environment that can’t be viewed as cheating (it’s not a real person). I feel like you should evaluate what about this has upset you because there are a lot of working parts. Is it his sexual fetishes? Do you feel like you’re being cheated on? Get to the root of the “hurt” and explore what that means. Some people may argue that you breached his trust by going into his computer and proceeding further. You could have stopped when you initially saw the application and gave him the chance to explain why it was there and how it made you feel. I think this situation calls for a lot of reflection as individuals and as a couple.
Also, for reference, I am married and happy with my husband but have used these before when I’m bored and curious. My husband thinks they’re hilarious.
Best of luck to you!
Edit: wrong word
We really do live in dystopian hell. Jesus.
I don’t see why this is a big deal. When 50 shades came out women were diddling all the time. This feels like the same to.me
My wife and I had this issue, and divorced over it. At least, that’s her side of the story. My side is that there were a hundred other issues with our marriage long before the AI revolution came.
She took the AI thing very seriously, despite being very pro-porn. I couldn’t understand that. Porn is real humans. AI is just my imagination. I couldn’t wrap my head around it being worse than porn.
I have a feeling your partner is going to hear those dreaded words from a woman to a man “we need to talk”. (But sounds like this particular talk is totally justified)
It’s a text based video game with nsfw themes. I don’t see why people think of it as cheating.
I would be upset too and think it crosses a line that is very different than just porn. It borders on OnlyFans interactions, where you are directly interacting with someone else. Sure, it’s just a bot, but wonder if your partner still thinks it’s a bot when it gets your partner off.
A lot of ppl here are defending this as just curiosity and harmless, but the details of which that bot knew doesn’t sound like silly curiosity does it? It is totally ok for others to think this is fine, but it is totally ok to be upset by this too. I would too.
I would def bring this up with your partner, but there needs to be compromise. He clearly wants more sexually and that’s a need you shouldn’t ignore either.
It’s ai I don’t see the problem? I fuck bots all the time and my partner is fine with it, It’s text based roleplay on my end though so maybe the hyper realism is the issue I dunno I just like cartoon/anime characters
A lot of people are chalking this up to harmless experimentation or being the same as watching porn but personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with this. I think our society and culture have normalized pornography so much that it’s not seen as disrespectful to their partner, but to me it feels like cheating. Cheating ME out of a sexual/romantic experience that I crave. I understand conflicting work/life schedules can make intimate time difficult, but it’s not impossible. I don’t think it’s fair that some model or amateur on a computer screen should have my partner’s attention just because I’m not around/at work? To me that’s like saying, “Well I was horny and you were working so I haaad to sleep with that other girl” it feels gross to me. I can contain my urges and I’m able to not use porn and only image being intimate with my partner so why should there be a different standard for my partner, you know? I think this is a matter of opinion and your feels are valid here. I think you need to think about what you are and aren’t okay with. Like, are you okay with porn use, but have boundaries for what kind of porn he watches? (I.e. bondage stuff, degrading stuff, etc)
In summary, I think people have because so comfortable with the idea of pornography use that it’s become normalized, but it’s not something I feel should be so normalized. Masturbation is okay, but looking at pictures/videos of other women/men is where I personally draw the line. Definitely talk to him after diving deep and thinking about why it makes you upset and what boundaries you may want to put in place so that you can both be comfortable and secure in the relationship.
There’s nothing abnormal about him exploring this just because it’s not your cup of tea.
You also shouldn’t feel slighted because he didn’t share his thoughts on it either. Couples can still have individual thoughts & desires.
I’d be happy he’s not exploring it with an actual person.
That said, bring it up nicely so he feels he can talk to you about it & then maybe once you understand it you can relax.
Fun fact, ChatGPT wrote this post.
Probably shouldn’t have been needlessly snooping. I really don’t see how it’s your business unless it’s taking away from your relationship. The chat is literally fake, like listening to a pick-your-own-story or a fanfic, just more advanced.
I’m not very old fashioned, but to me it seems that you are coming across a little judgmental and kink-shamey in this post. Maybe that’s why your husband felt that he couldn’t talk to you about his sexual curiosity and reached out to this chat bot instead? Aren’t you curious about your husband’s perspective? He hasn’t hurt anyone or approached a real woman… why was your first instinct to clutch your pearls and run to reddit instead of talking to him? I personally think this could be indicative of deeper issues in the relationship
He probably knew you wouldn’t be cool with his fetish and was scared to push you away or embarrass himself
Info: why do you immediately associate BDSM with something sinister?
From the looks of this post and your comments, it seems like you’re very vanilla to the extent that you’re close minded to kinks and fetishes. Does that justify your partner doing this? Not necessarily. Do I understand why he had to hide it? Absolutely.
Whether this counts as cheating is between the two of you. However, I would say that if you’re OK with porn, he likely just assumed this is OK too. I’d suggest talking to him first but if this is as “disgusting” and “uncomfortable” to you as you say it is, it might be time to look into couples therapy or split ways.
I think you need to separate the topic (fetish) from the medium (AI chat) and figure out what’s actually upsetting you. Would you be uncomfortable with this if it was a completely vanilla sex convo? Would you be uncomfortable if it was viewing wank-porn, but of this specific theme?
Whatever clarity you find, remember not to let things upset you that don’t *actually* upset you, just because other people say you *should* be upset.
The only thing I’d be mad about is the money. Other than that I’d just laugh at him
*Scours Google look looking for AI sex bot*
op do u know what service or website he was using? im curious how realistic is realistic. i think that actually matters in this case.
“We have always been very open with each other and the things it was talking were disgusting to me” dam, i wonder why would he turn to an AI for some roleplay instead of going with you…such a mystery.
Wow, I guess we do see new issues here sometimes. I think you need to figure out why he was talking to the bot. Could it just be curiosity? Could it be the equivalent of using porn to explore a kink he feels you might (and do) judge him for? Is he in love with the bot?
I don’t think we are far enough out of the uncanny valley for that last one, but who knows anymore. It does sound like your reaction was very straight to judgement and disgust, could it be that is why he didn’t feel he could bring this to you?
At the end of the day, its not like he can actually do any of it with a bot, and it is a fair boundary for you to have if you decide this is a dealbreaker, but maybe talk it out and consider the why before you decide if it is a big deal or no?
You are in barely charted waters here.
Maybe I’ll be down voted for this. Smut exists. Smut exists as audiobooks. Ai sexbots just sound like a concluded choose-your-own adventure smut audiobook.
Talking to your partner is a must. But it could be that your partner wants to spice up the bedroom in a way you’d be wildly opposed to. If he knows that, he’s not going to bring it up. I’m spicier than my partner, and he doesn’t know a lot of my kinks, nor would he be comfortable doing them.
Smut helps. I can read and be fine. Maybe he needs to hear a voice and interact with it.
Either way. Talk to him. See if there’s anything you’d be willing to try, or if there’s a way for him to get his fetish out in a safe way. Chat AI seems the most harmless since it’s not an actual person. It’s complicated as you want it to be.
It’s only real if you feel it’s real to you.
If he doesn’t feel it’s real and treats it more like some curiosity of exploring what his kinks in a safe way, since you stated you’re vanilla and don’t do kinks, he could be figuring out his tastes finally…
Or he’s ALWAYS had these kinks and instead of pressuring you into them, he’s using a safer method instead.
As long as it doesn’t interfere with your relationship or the sex you two have, I don’t see in any harm in what he’s doing.
However, he MAY want to double check that fine print up make sure that company isn’t saving any audio files of the conversations to use for other reasons with advancing the AI model. That would be more of a concern…
So the thing you should know about is that AI ChatBots sfw and nsfw are not as advanced as you think they are. All they’re really doing is parroting back whatever fantasy you’re perpetuating to it. So it’s really just a more personalized version of porn. We are simply not at that stage where an AI can autonomously steal your man from you I’m sorry to say.
He’s probably just exploring a fetish he doesn’t want to let you know about because you both started out as “vanilla”.
EDIT: I just want to add that my point is the Chatbot is just a means—a tool. There is definitely a communication problem here with regards to fetishes and satisfying one’s partner. I’m just saying that you can’t saddle the AI as a guilty party because the AI is just your man fapping with a tool he made for himself.
I feel like you only feel some kind of way because he was sexually engaging with something that wasn’t you .
I don’t think you should be upset because 1. He’s not cheating 2. 9 times out of 10, the things he was doing with the AI, you’re not going to let him to do you
Sooooo, you need to pick a struggle.
This seems like more like a we need to talk about this and make a change, if the marriage works well otherwise, divorce is way over the top imo as a response to this. He’s living his dirtiest dreams in his room instead of some strip club vip room, or worse.
To be clear you sre justified to be upset and you probably want to take time with all the decision making from here on out
Please upvote this so she sees it:
Go here and take this quiz. When you’re not mad and are feeling frisky. Have him take it too separately and then sit down and compare your percentages where you overlap and then flirt and talk about it and tease and come up with rules and play around and have fun. You might be surprised what you would love but haven’t tried yet
https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode
Also, is no one gonna say anything about how she totally invaded his privacy?
I think it’s sad that you find all of us who fantasize about anything that’s not vanilla “gross.” You don’t have to like it yourself, but fantasies don’t actually hurt anyone. And his service isn’t even potentially exploiting women and girls like some other porn does.
Now the issue is your partner doesn’t feel comfortable telling you his fantasies. Maybe he’s guessed you’re not open minded about them. He may be very satisfied with your sex life but want to explore these other interests safely and privately. I don’t know.
Maybe you’re not compatible. But maybe you could try to see that he’s not kicking puppies or shaking babies. You don’t have to participate in anything remotely BDSM. But his interest in it doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t the same guy you’ve come to love. I hope you can have a calm, grown-up discussion about it and find out more. Say you’re not into it yourself and don’t want to explore it personally. Ask for reassurance that he doesn’t need any *real life* sex outside of your marriage. Don’t kink shame him, be curious, and it might be ok.
There are a lot of phone/video/messaging sex and chat services with real women. He may have chosen an AI service to respect your relationship. I’d be hurt and want to have a conversation about why he hasn’t shared his kinks, but from your responses, I can understand why he might not out of fear he may be shamed or offend you.
Id have a conversation. It’s possible you may not be sexually compatible and that’s okay, but it doesn’t sound like he has done anything really wrong here
Coming from how you are replying to comments, I think you’re being incredibly immature.
He’s talking to AI, not like he’s talking to real humans. Judging by how, well, judgey you are, he’s probably feels insecure about his kinks/fetishes and wants an outlet that’s innocent and faithful considering he’s talking to a computer that *knows* will just cater to whatever algorithm he types than actual humans.
Lighten up. If it’s a dealbreaker, it’s a dealbreaker. I wouldn’t shame my partner for expressing himself in private to, well, himself.
This is so dystopian and black mirror-esque. These are the manmade horrors beyond my comprehension Tesla was talking about.