Sorry if this rambles.

We’ve been together 13 years, married 11. Several kids in elementary. They are our shared primary focus since we came from rough childhoods, want the best for them, and have made a lot of sacrifices. Decent middle class professional careers in a HCOL metro. After her birthday this spring and a bunch of bad health issues with relatives, she had a midlife crisis. Standard “Is this all there is? I should chase my dreams.” inner turmoil. I was supportive for her to do what she wants and this went on for several months.

She started to miss her 20s a lot. She apparently was a huge party girl — no responsibilities, different guy every weekend, etc. She got hyper sexual. We went from once a week to 1-3 times per day. It’s a challenge but I’m still hanging in there.

She said she missed having new sexual partners and NRE. First, she wanted us to try swinging. I said yes but slow. That wasn’t enough. Then, she wanted to open the relationship. I said no. Then, she was convinced she’s poly. I’ve done poly, I know poly, she is not poly. I said go be poly but leave me out of it. Then, she wanted to look for couples for us online but admitted she had chatted with guys on there. I got upset and she said that if she was going to cheat she’d tell me first.

I have been in therapy for years and know that you cannot change anybody or stop them from doing anything. You can only set your boundaries, communicate them, and then enforce them. So I see no point in ordering her not to do any of these things as she will just do them behind my back.

If we were to split our finances are already mostly separate. Due to agreements, she would do much better than me, but we would both take a big hit. Kid custody would not be a fight, but she would end up in a much worse situation than me either way.

Last night she said she needed me to watch the kids as she was going across town at 3 PM to visit a friend today and I knew something was off. No way in hell she does across town on a Friday at 3 PM.

Then I remembered she signed into a kid tablet. I checked and she’s meeting a guy from online at a park this afternoon. He said she should come over after the park. She told her friend the details in case he’s a nut and said she was just going to meet him but admitted she was hoping he’d be a regular hookup.

This has been a long and rough road. And this does not cover even half of what I have had to put up with. And I know Reddit would say I need to leave. I needed to leave a long time ago. But the fact is I am willing to put up with a lot for our kids. I do not want them to come from a broken home. And even though all of this is going on under the surface, it’s a very happy home even for me on all other aspects. However, her meeting up with strangers is a too far for me. I recently told her I was not OK with waiting around to be cheated on. Which is what we have finally come to.

Except what to do about it? Let her go and confront her after she gets back? Tell her before she leaves? Do nothing and gather evidence? Note: that would not change the divorce whatsoever. Wait and see if she would go through with more with his guy? I have many options here. And all of them suck. I do not want to completely destroy this relationship if anything can be salvaged. But if she sleeps with someone, I have zero interest in salvaging anything ever.

So what to do?

TL;DR: I wish I knew what brought on this destructive, unhealthy obsession in the first place. Because it’s going to cost me my family I think.

39 comments

  1. I think if you’re determined to end things, if she does cheat then there’s no reason to not blow up her spot before she does so and present her with the option

  2. tell her you know. don’t watch the bomb explode. your home may be more broken than you think. just because you keep it looking good doesn’t make it not broke. if anything thats worse because if you do breakup, thats a 180 for the kids. with 0 warning signs. breaking up when the kids are grown is traumatic as hell. salvage if you want to, leave if you want, either way you gotta do some grief work. missing having multiple sexual partners is some grief work she needs to do. maybe she is poly..?

  3. Shes planning to cheat – no matter if she goes through with it, its over. Yes???

    So confront her now. Tell her you know where shes going and who shes meeting.

    And tell her to enjoy it, because since you will now be going for a divorce, this signals the start of her new life as a single woman.

    And dont wait – lawyer soonest, ask if she has plans for where she intends to live until divirce is final (and after?)

  4. Your kids come from a ‘broken home’, although I don’t think that this is the healthiest way to describe it, whether that’s communicated to them or hidden. What example do you want your kids to see? You guys still ‘being in a relationship’ and living disfunctionally and accepting hurt from each and not living authentically or you guys separated and both living your authentic lives?

    In choosing the first I feel like you’re also coddling your kids. Lying to them to protect them from hurt. I think lying to people to protect them from hurt is almost always the wrong decision.

  5. If it were me, I’d probably want to have an honest conversation with her before she heads out. Lay it all out on the table – your feelings, your concerns, everything. Give her the chance to be straight with you.

    Confronting her after might feel like you’re catching her red-handed, but it could also escalate things. You’re right, gathering evidence might not change the divorce outcome, but it could protect you in case things get messy.

    It’s a rough spot, and whatever you decide, just make sure it’s something you can live with in the long run. You deserve happiness, man.

  6. If you don’t want to leave because of kids then talk to her about having a will and Jada relationship. Seperate lives like roommates but still “together”

  8. I don’t find the “sunken cost fallacy” arguments compelling, but the kids being in elementary grade are the biggest consideration. Lots of studies show that kids have the best outcomes with an in-tact 2-person parental situation. Kids thrive on stability.

    So if you value your kid’s happiness above your own, then IMO you need to find a way to make it work, at least until the kids are out of highschool. Of course if her staying around is harmful to the kids that’s a different issue, but I think the best you can shoot for is 100% transparency in her escapades and try to make peace with them if therapy doesn’t work.

    And in the meantime I do think it’s smart to talk to a lawyer, figure out what you should be doing in terms of information collection etc so that if/when it’s time to separate, you’ll have everything you need in order.

  9. Is she by any chance bi-polar?
    If you are unsure just look up symptoms of type 1 & type 2 and see if any of it sounds familiar. If it does it may shed some light on the situation.

    Either way it sounds horrible what you are going through. Gut wrenching stuff, wish you all the best.

  10. Your kids are already in a broken home. Your relationship is already broken. And you are already broken.

    You have a choice now, do you want to divorce, start the healing process, and possibly give your children a good home in the future? Or do you want to stay, and get a little bit more broken everyday?

  11. >This has been a long and rough road. And this does not cover even half of what I have had to put up with

    And I don’t even know half of it sitting here thinking why would you wait to let her break you? Admirable that you want to keep it up for the kids but what about you?

    ​

    >I have been in therapy for years and know that you cannot change anybody or stop them from doing anything. You can only set your boundaries, communicate them, and then enforce them. So I see no point in ordering her not to do any of these things as she will just do them behind my back.

    This is exactly what you can do, have boundaries and stick to them. For you. The rest will come.

    ​

    Good luck man and all the best

  12. > I do not want them to come from a broken home.

    My parents stayed together way too long “for the kids” and it was worse than if they had split up.

    Honestly, don’t just stay together for the kids cause you will do more damage then you know. They will see the relationship between you and your wife and learn from it and that’s not healthy. I attribute the way my parents were with each other to being a primary reason why I have issues forming relationships with people.

    So if that’s the only reason you’d stay together, then you shouldn’t. From what you’ve said, you’ll both be happier separated – and the kids will at least get to see their parents happy (not immediately, but eventually.)

  13. Sorry to say this but: Home is already broken. You can and should try to create a new whole one. Away from your wife. Let her do what she wants.

  15. > Reddit would say I need to leave.

    Reddit would tell you not to let her cheat without trying to stop it. Document you know, screenshots, etc.

    “I know you’re meeting up with someone later today – don’t do it. This is a mistake. If you want a divorce, at least wait to formalize things before ending our marriage with an affair.”

  18. Tell her you know. If she can enjoy having sex with someone else while knowing you know and knowing aren’t on board with that. Leave.

  19. I’ve seen what happens when parents stay because of the kids (my close friends). Constant arguments and fights. They got so screwed…

  20. She’s lucky she has a guy like you. If it were me, I would have chased her a long time ago.

    I don’t marry ex-partying girls anyway. This is the price you get when you marry girls who were partying and had lots of partners in their twenties. They will always miss that lifestyle.

  21. Is this the type of example you want your kids to see? Stay with someone that wants to sleep around just to keep the peace? What would you tell your kids if one of them came to you with a similar problem where their husband or wife was dead set on screwing others?

    I know you want a home for your children where you and your wife both live together, but that doesn’t make the home any less broken. Eventually your kids will notice things. They’ll see you or her being unhappy. At some point they’ll notice their mother is stepping out on you. They’ll be extremely confused when they do.

    You’re not doing anyone any favors by staying for the kids. They wouldn’t want that. They may not want to see you guys fight and be in utter turmoil before a split, but an amicable divorce would honestly help a lot more.

  22. Don’t let it get worse. Calmly confront with a simple “I know what you’re planning to do. I can’t stop you, but I can tell you what my boundaries are. You can walk out that door. But do not expect to return to the life you’ve been used to. It won’t be here.”

    If she wants to know what you know, or how you know it, simply reply “that’s not important right now”. What’s important is whether you want to do what it will take to remain in this marriage or not.” (In addition to not cheating, there will have to be other changes for her. People who need cutting out of her life. Not going is simply step one).

    Good luck. Stop this while you can. It’s a lot easier to reconcile from where things sit now than if she follows through.

  23. Is there anything to negotiate over ? I mean you seem to be ok swinging right? How come you didn’t allow that to proceed a little ? What does “slow” mean? Can’t you try and create some NRE spark in your relationship? I mean you seem resigned.. as though you have no options left.. which doesn’t seem true. I’d talk to a lawyer, start getting documentation and proof.. it sound like she’s engaging in some risky behavior, so starting from what’s baseline, you can start to try and improve your position for an eventual divorce.

    Honestly you just sound tired. Status quo is over. Your old relationship with your wife is over. You can try to reforge something new with her or someone else or alone.

    But you cannot pine for what is already dead.

  24. I think the fact that you’ve done poly and she’s not poly is the biggest thing for me. There is no way this will work out for you two. You can’t open the marriage because she is going to hide things and be weird about it.

    We grew up to stigmatize divorce, there’s a lot of shame around it, but there shouldn’t be. Divorce is great, or can be, eventually. People do it all the time. You both will recover and move on.

    She was up front, mostly, I think that’s big. She knows she needs something else, you two just have to work out how she gets it. People grow and change and need different things. It’s all in how you present it to the kids and the story you tell them. They know way more than you think. Maybe not details (maybe) but emotions. I’m divorced, poly, and my kids seem totally used to my lifestyle, it’s never been an issue.

    Good luck man, it’s hard but worth it imo.

  25. That’s a slow end to an inevitable conclusion. Do yourself a favour and do what’s best for you all draw a line under this.

  26. It sucks but the home and relationship are broken. The older the kids get, the more they’ll realize.
    I stayed for the kids, and it was THE WORST decision for everyone. I’m now a full-time single dad and couldn’t be happier, as are my kids. They get to see a happier me; when before they thought I was perpetually unhappy.

    Also, unless you have an ironclad pre-nup. You don’t know how the divorce will turn out. Fight for what you and your kids deserve. Do what is best in the long term; not what’s easiest today.

  28. If shes just meeting rando’s and you decide to put you head in the sand, you will have to either stop having relations or your life will be one STD test after another, and what happens if she ends up pregnant with one of these guys?

  29. I would go and park my car near enough to the park so that I could see her and him. And then make certain that she saw that I saw what was going on not to confront, but to confirm, and see if that is enough for her to shake herself, free of this. If it isn’t, then it’s over.

  31. Holy shit dude get the fuck out of there. Tell her that she’s disgusting. Have some goddamn self-respect and tell her what A disgusting piece of shit that she is. Then get the fuck out of there.

  32. Dude, your marriage is already over. She’s going to cheat on you, and not just once. This is your life going forward, assuming you find a way to be okay with this.

    Sadly, most kids come from broken homes. Your kids will be alright. File for divorce and find a woman who wants YOU, not everyone else.

  33. Yeesh.

    First, you don’t just let her go and gather evidence. You confront.

    Second, you recognize that she is endangering the whole family. Not just catching hiv or other stis but meeting strange men. Oh and doing this on the kids tablet where they might stumble on it!

    Third, you schedule an emergency therapy appointment for you.

    I think this ends in divorce but I honor that you want to fight.

    Is she in treatment?

  34. My petty ass would get a baby sitter to watch the kids. Go to the park where she plana to meet him, then once they meet up make sure she sees me (no confrontation) so she knows I know, and then leave.

  35. I agonized for years before getting divorced about the impact to my kids. For years, in my mind, I sacrificed myself for the benefit of my kids. Finally though, it happened and it has been 5 years since we separated (and then divorced). While it was far from easy, my three boys are all doing great. I’m not saying you should leave or not. That’s up to you. But the divorce part doesn’t define your kids experience. That is more about how you two parent post divorce. If you’re assholes to each other, then it will suck for your kids. If you’re respectful and coparent well, you can trust that everything will work out and ultimately you’ll both be happier.

  36. Your poor children.

    You and your wife have already created this dysfunctional home life. So the home is already broken…

    Also, I guarantee she has cheated or has been cheating on you this entire time. When somebody asks for an open relationship, swingers lifestyle, essentially bringing anyone from the outside into your dynamic, that is cheating if it’s not mutually agreed-upon.

    Call a lawyer. Ask them what to do.

    And for the love of God, I hope that your children are in therapy

  39. Honestly I’m still messed up because my parents decided to stay together, there was no love there just constant shouting, sneaking around. It’s distorted how I see relationships and I ended up in an abusive relationship because it all seemed normal to me. Please for your children’s sake leave, show them that they deserve better than to stay in a household where the parents are miserable. Take photos as evidence and go speak to a divorce lawyer

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