How do you deal with very close friends of your partner/spouse who don’t respect boundaries, without coming across as the bad guy?

9 comments

1. Depends on whose boundaries they are crossing, but as a general rule: My partner would handle that themselves if the friend crossed their boundaries because that is their friend. If I didn’t think my partner was aware of the boundary violations, I’d have a discussion with them about it, and then they would handle it.

2. Talk to the husband about boundaries: “A boundary is a behavior that YOU do when THEY go too far. Like, if you flirt with me, I’m leaving. Tell them that, and then stick to it.”

   Or, if my boundaries are being disrespected, tell the friend: “If you come over unannounced again, I am not answering the door.”

   Boundaries are behaviors you do in response to another person’s actions. Tell that person the boundaries you have, then stick to them.

3. Talk about what’s bothering me first and if boundaries are still crossed, I have no problem being the bad guy

4. I address it kindly with the friend. Like “Hey, I need our house to be quiet. You’ve been too loud for me three times today. So it’s time for you to leave.”

5. I would leave them to it. I would do the “your friend isn’t the best of following boundaries and I am tired of it. They are your guest not mine anyways. So I need a 24 hour heads up before they come in which time I will either be going out or staying in our room with the door locked. This means your in charge of making the house decent for your guests and making sure it’s clean after they leave. It also means your responsible for making them food and replacing what ever they break and cleaning up after them. I will be ordering myself food so you guys pretty much won’t see me at all. This way you get to spend time with your friend and I have the night off to pamper myself. It’s a win win.”

6. If your partner or spouse is a decent person, they’ll deal with it for you. Just tell them. If they don’t, they ain’t shit.

7. if you have a problem with “being the bad guy” you already lose. one of you is trying to control your behavior and one isn’t, so i don’t know how far you think you’re going to get worrying about how you’re coming off. just let yourself react how you want to and let everyone else deal with it.

8. I would just be the bad guy.

9. Depends on the boundaries they’re disrespecting. Generally, I trust my partner to respect the boundaries we’ve set forth in our social contract and expect they will control their conduct in a way that exemplifies respect for themselves and our relationship at all times.
   I also understand that relationship dynamics between close friends can be quite ambiguous, so if something seems off or bothersome, I can discuss it with my partner and rely on their transparency.
   That being said, outside influence rarely, if ever, has an effect on my perspective and I’ve never felt the need to step in and be “the bad guy”.
   Unfortunately, I can’t comment on your situation specifically without more detail.