Am I (M21) being obsessive over my gf(F20)

28 comments

1. i don’t think she’s interested, probably just enjoying you giving her so much attention and taking you for granted , since u already talked and she told you she’s acting normal and don’t expect things to change.(I’ve had a similar experience but maybe I’m wrong and she’s going through things and not sharing them, that would be my other guess)

2. This sounds like she is just not that into you. She likes you chasing her giving her attention. You are giving her the validation, but she is not validating you. You are showing her that you are way more into her than she is into you. Do you really want to be in this kind of one sided relationship where you do everything to make her happy, but she does nothing for you. If she was truly into you, she would be chasing you just as hard as you are chasing her.

   While, she might be from a family that doesn’t show affection, again do you want to be in a relationship with someone who only accepts validation but never gives it. Who accepts love but never gives it. That will be a lonely life for you while she gets massive attention and validation. Look she is one woman in a world of 4 plus billion women. You are ‘early’ in this relationship, and it will be a lot easier now to end this. Concentrate on your career, hit the gym and build your life. There are better women out there for you.

   Ask yourself what is she bringing to this relationship?

   Good luck, Stay Safe, Stay Strong

3. Flowers every day? Tone it down dude, put that money in a savings account or something. Your relationships will always be unbalanced if you go into them with that level of intensity.

   Edit: you are risking getting into a space where you think love is transactional or she owes you love or a relationship because of your shows of affection, even if you are doing it subconsciously as a way to feel in control of relationship anxiety “she can’t leave me because I’m amazing to her!” Kind of thinking.

4. I think some things are kinda overkill, flowers every day and complaining about 20-30 minute responses to texts. I think it’s a cross between you being quite overwhelming for her and/or just being on different pages with expressing feelings. Maybe there’s a mismatch or maybe she’s just not as into it as you are

5. This is a lot for two weeks of a relationship. I would feel a bit overwhelmed if I were her.

6. She may be somewhat overwhelmed by you intensity. I get you like her, but maybe stop and breathe for a bit. You sound like a decent guy, but consider toning down your display of affection. Also I reccomend seeing a counselor or talking to someone about this. It seems you feel pretty intensely and you might nees help to control some of that anxiety.

7. Listen man. You’re starting the relationship at its peak. How are you supposed to go bigger,better and harder if you’re already doing flowers every day? Cooking for her all the time. You need to be building things up over time. This isn’t sustainable for you in the long term. I imagine it’s a bit intense for her and she’s doesn’t know how to or probably know she can’t reciprocate all of this all the time. Also, you shouldn’t be doing this stuff with the hopes of getting things in return. As that’s a transactional relationship and isn’t good. You should be doing it because you want to. It’s lovely that you are but it is on the top end of obsessed. You’re not giving her any build up to a treat. When the good times are good times all the time then they’re just normal times. If that makes sense. Drop it down and treat her something like once every other week. You’ll notice a change in her appreciation for you trust me. It could be that she needs to feel like she’s not sure if you like her or not and so if you’re showing every day it can become boring. Everyone has a different love language and you just need to learn how to translate hers so you can speak her language. You should also have a talk about yourself and get her to understand yours. Communication is key here. That’s all it is.

8. I observed that most of the times when there is an imbalance in a relationship the partners adopt the giver and taker dynamics – one partner invests a lot more in the relationship than the other. When the giver gives so much it causes the other one to not feel the need to contribute so much due to the feeling they already have you and get everything from you. Sometimes it can even turn them off because they feel suffocated and then they back off and distance themselves.
   I think your “obsessive” behavior comes from being newly in love and wanting to be the best bf for her which is completely normal. But you giving so much to her will make her take you for granted in the long run. As a girl I suggest you to back off a little. Flowers everyday is totally overboard. Also you doing everything for her isnt good for you and neither it is healthy. We are attracted to people who have their own lives who are occupied on their own not the ones that live for us because that looks desperate. Try to distance yourself a little- spend some time with your family and friends, hobbies, pets and dont be available 24/7. Dont look at the phone for a text from her but rather text back when you really have time-you will realize 20 or 30mins is NOTHING when you are doing stuff throughout the day. Me and my boyfriend dont text each other back for 2hours sometimes because we are busy at work. Also the relationship dynamic changes all the time, if you back off a little there’s a strong chance she will start putting in more effort. Just dont live for her that’s not healthy and will destroy you in the long run.

9. Hi There! First I applaud your vulnerability in sharing this story and for asking for help. That takes courage. In reading your message there are a few themes that I think are really important to address. When we spend time looking outside ourselves for validation, seeking the “clues” etc that we are wanted it is a never ending loop of suffering. There will never be enough and just when you think you are there if only the person did x, y and z, new criteria will pop up. Your message does tell me that you have some inner healing to do. Part of this emergence of all these feelings and your vulnerability have opened that inside you which is a great thing as it now can show you where you need to heal and not where she needs to change. It is a great thing she is not jealous. Jealousy is a form of inner pain where we do not feel good enough. You can heal these feelings and surrender this relationship. When we hold on too tightly with all these expectations we suffocate the growth the love mostly within yourself. There is usually one partner we cannot control or manage and that is when we turn this into a fantastic story of what they may or may not be doing. All of this is false. I have studied emotional pain for 30 years and all I can say is your message reveals that you emotional pain is rumbling inside of you and needs to heal. It really is not about the other person but just what you need to tend to and that is a great thing. If you pay attention to your inner feelings right now, tend to them and heal them, you can be free from these feelings. However, if you ignore them and continue to put all these feelings on the other person it is a slippery slope of deception only to repeat itself over and over. This is undoubtedly old pain from before your 10th birthday and her presence stoked that old pain bucket not because she is bad or anything…relationships can be catalyst for the inner healing you need to do. I hope this helps.

10. Do not expect things to change, end the relationship and find someone that will do the things that you desire in a relationship.

11. Ok, there’s a lot to parse here so I hope my 2 cents help.

    I think on your part, you need to slow your roll. It’s beautiful and wonderful to be in love and happy with a person, but unlike what romance novels lead to us to believe, making someone feel like they’re your entire world or “try-harding” at this scale is overwhelming and uncomfortable.

    Also, while you have had 7 relationships, I’m assuming at your age that you must have been a teenager through most of them; the expectations of a teen romance are VERY different from an adult one (even early adults) once college, part time work, and family/friend priorities start showing up.

    Also, PLEASE do not equate jealousy as a sign of affection or love; well-adjusted people are secure in their relationship and don’t feel easily emotionally threatened this way.

    For her, it’s hard to say. I only have your perspective, and I think you haven’t really given her the chance to show affection if you’re lobbing flowers/cooking everyday. It *has* been 2 weeks of a serious relationship; is it fair to conclude she’d **never** plan anything unless you do, with such a short timeframe of knowing her?

    So I think she could meet you halfway and take more initiative, be it planning a nice date, giving you words of affirmation or occasionally surprising you. Let her know what you’d like, what you enjoy hearing/doing to feel validated if they are reasonable things to expect (so nix the expectations of something on the scale of every day flowers, for example. Unless it’s an emergency, 20/30 mins to respond to a text doesn’t feel egregious to me; if you want a more rapid-fire conversation, perhaps scheduling a time to call and catch up might be better).

    But I think you need to take this much more slowly and let it develop more organically; I have chicken thighs in the freezer older than your entire time of knowing her, dude! Take a little more time to know her before jumping ship.

12. 20-30 minutes to reply is very normal.

    Flowers every day is kind of obsessive (and expensive).

    She probably feels overwhelmed by you tbh. Also… you’ve had 7 exclusive relationships at 20 years old? How?

13. What are you doing to manage your anxiety?

14. It sounds like she has has an avoidant attachment style and feels smothered by your consistent attempts at getting affection. You need to give her space but she also needs to actually communicate what she’s feeling and whether or not she likes dating you because right now it sounds like she isn’t even attracted to you by what you wrote.

15. It sounds like you went from 0 to 100mph with your relationship and she’s not going the same pace. Maybe she’s the type that needs to work up to the level of affection that you want. Think of it this way, if you were going to train with a friend to run a marathon would you start out running 27 miles a day? Probably not unless both of you were experienced runners and both were ready to run that pace. You’d start at a slower pace, a pace that suits the person that needs to start slower and work up to your speed. You may discover that they’ll never match your speed and then you can decide if that’s a dealbreaker.

    It’s only been two weeks and just reading this I’m feeling overwhelmed by your intensity. Talk to her about what she’s comfortable with and see if you can work with that. If not then you are not compatible.

16. Everybody is different she might not be the affectionate type, has she ever shown or been what you wanted? You can expect her all of a sudden to change into what you want thats not how relationships work.
    She seems assured of herself than you do about yourself , if that type of relationship isn’t for you them you know what to do

17. I disagree. I’d love a guy to do this for me. She should show more affection

18. **I’ll be completely honest: it sounds like she wants a more causal based college dating experience; and you are wanting to essentially be a bonded pair.** so this answer is 2 fold.

    **1st:** There is nothing wrong with texting all day, getting flowers or cooking dinners. But there is such a thing as “too much!”

    I get my fiancé a $15-20 bouque flowers, and they stay good for 2-3 weeks, so that’s how oven-ish I replace them. Every single day is a massive drain on money and probably feels daunting to her.

    I also try to text my fiancé all day, but realistically it’s not sustainable. Expecting replies every 20-30min is wild. I usually get a “good morning” text, then either a meme or a “I hope you are having a good day” text mid afternoon. Then at the end of the day (after work/school) we wjll get in a phone call or a date or that’s when we will text back and forth mor reliably. But expecting your partner to reliably text back quickly throughout the whole day is too much.

    Also cooking/compliments. Also fantastic things to do for your partner; but don’t let it become too much. If it’s literally a mountain of compliments every day, each complement loses its weight, give the simple “you’re cute” or “you’re hot” comment once a day, but don’t overdo it. Instead, if you keep your daily compliments brief, then you can give a genuinely good compliment once a week and it will land way better. Same with cooking. If you cook for her literally every day then cooking for her on date nights loses its weight. (You can do what you did with the compliments, make the “daily” cooking more simple, then when you really wanna knock it out of the park bump up from the simple hamburger helper meals to homemade waygu burgers).

    **2nd:** there are girls who might be more long your lines of dating/having the desire to text all day and be spoiled. There are also girls who are significantly more independent than your current gf who wouldn’t want the affection you are giving and would call you overbearing/obsessive. Everyone shows their love language in different ways and maybe this girl doesn’t quite have the same “love language” as you. It’s not a bad thing, you two may just not be as compatible as you originally though. Having chemistry and attraction is not the same as having comparability.

    The last thing thag I want to add to all of this, is that in healthy relationships, BOTH members adapt to their partners needs. It sounds like in this case, you are more interested in your needs of being close all the time, and she is more interested in her needs of enjoying the college social life. Neither of you sound like your flexing at all and both of you are just wanting to do it your own way. This mentality is honestly typical of people in their early 20’s and exactly what I experienced in my college dating scene too. Normally people don’t slow down and are ready to commit to a relationship until they hit closes to senior year of college or even after. (The prefrontal cortex of your brain isn’t finished developing until about 23-24 on women and 25-26 in men so you have another 5ish years before you guys are truly considered mature).

19. Here’s me grateful when I can count menstrual cycles on one hand between our intimate moments.

20. don’t put her on a pedestal.

21. Sounds like you are just incompatible. Some people aren’t very affectionate and taking a while to respond to texts is normal especially for a college student. Sounds like she doesn’t use her phone in class and doesn’t check it all the time and may have it on silent so she can focus on what she is doing.

    Flowers everyday is absolutely excessive? How much are you spending on flowers.

    She’s in college and yeah you are being obsessive.

22. I would say, to try and match her energy. Two weeks in and the amount of affection you’re showing she might feel somewhat uncomfortable, may suspect lovebombing. Make sure not to form a transactional relationship where you’re always keeping score. Also, try another heart to heart and see if she really try’s to put in a little more effort in the areas that ARE “fixable” so you guys can meet each other in the middle. *Worst case scenario* you guys might not be the best match, it’s never good to be in a one sided relationship.

23. I think there are a few issues at work here.

    First of all, there is probably a basic difference that is likely going to always exist between the two of you. You are likely going to lean toward the action and demonstrative side of things, and she is likely going to lean toward the more reserved and subtle side of things when it comes to showing love and making a connection. If you continue on for a significant amount of time, It is going to be key that both of you keep communication open and to pay attention to your love languages. (If you haven’t read The Five Love Languages book – easy read – and taken the quiz, please do so. It will be helpful for any relationship. And, after a bit more time, you may want to read it and discuss your quiz results together.) And, if you remain together, she may feel more comfortable being more demonstrative, initiating more, etc. over time.

    Also, with you having a very strong desire to demonstrate in so many ways and so quickly that you like someone…. well, it makes me think you are trying to prove your worthiness to someone (and yourself) instead of just knowing and being quietly confident in who you are and what you bring to the table. Important: I AM NOT saying you shouldn’t show your love to your significant other in various ways. Most of us would LOVE that, in fact. But, it is the extent to which you are demonstrating it and the energy you using to try to do it and the speed and frequency in which you are doing it which is different and outside of the norm. (More on this at the end…)

    You also so badly want to be loved. Some of us have a higher desire to be given compliments, given gifts, shown affection, told we are attractive, etc. I understand that, and I am one of those people. It is key to find potential partners who also like to give and receive the same actions whoch equate to love. But, then there can also be such a big need (like a hole that can never be filled) which some have that it can often shut down relationships. You have to balance the need by also being reasonable in expectations for the other person so it doesn’t seem like a constant burden or so it doesn’t seem like the person can never reach the expectations or reciprocate to the extent that the other person has given. And, you absolutely should not be seeking this love and validation from unhealthy behaviors – like jealousy, so that is a bit telling.

    From the little you have shared in your post, it does seem like you might not be the most compatible match… but also that you are putting a lot of pressure on the relationship (and might do so for almost any relationship) as you are right now. From the little you shared in some of your comments about your upbringing and current family/ inner circle situation, it then makes complete sense of why you might be showing love and expecting / needing love in the way you’re trying to obtain it. But, I hope you will follow through with talking through expectations with a counselor or therapist or pastor/faith leader so you can ensure you are doing it in a balanced and healthy way and in a way that won’t smother future relationships.

    You are worthy of being loved and of having a loving significant other and support system. I think some of us are responding to suggest seeing a therapist because we don’t want your efforts to work directly against you receiving what you need and want. I wish you the best.

24. You already have your answer about what to do. You say you have already talked to her about it and it sounds like there will be no change in her behavior. You say it is affecting your mental health and you are thinking of breaking up. All that plus only been together for 2 weeks should be pretty clear that this relationship is doing more harm than good and needs to be ended

    GL, friend

25. If you need constant affection, move on. It seems she won’t be giving that. Wouldn’t want kids with her if she gives them no affection.

26. Yes. It sounds a bit like you are being quite obsessive. You’ve been together for 2 weeks! Chill out. The way that you act in a relationship is not the way everyone else acts and you cannot expect them to. People communicate and show affection in many different ways. Why are you even with her if you’re having this many doubts already? Do you like her as a person or do you just like the idea of her? It seems like she’s always been this way and she even explained that she does things differently than you. You could definitely be overwhelming her by wanting to turn her into something that she is not. If she is not giving you what you need in a relationship, just end it. You guys just don’t sound compatible.

27. So I honestly do not think your girlfriend is the problem at all. 

    It seems like you are over the top needy. That’s OK, I was in the same place years ago! You need to learn boundaries and how to be independent. 

    Independence is an amazing thing. It will help you be happy when you are all alone, Recrease confidence, help you discover who you are, and more. 

    When it comes to your gift giving, that is amazing. You have such a big heart, but you are devaluing your gifts . If you give someone a gift every day, when you give them an important gift, it won’t mean as much . 

    When it comes to your texts. Chill 😎.  She is busy and also has a life. Maybe she is doing homework, taking a show, enjoying me time, in class , driving. Sometimes I’m hours replying to a text because I do not have my phone on me 24/7 . 

    Remember you are in a relationship NOT sewn together. You are two different individuals, let her be her. This will give you more to talk about when your together. 

    It will be hard but I know you got this ! 

28. UPDATE: I read through all comments and am extremely grateful for your opinions and tips, I will be going to therapy and try and better myself. For the time being, yesterday evening I met up with her and told her it would be better if we break up. She said ok thats fine, didn’t really care much but said that she feels uncomfortable in this relationship.