We have been together for 2 years very happily. My BF is a good looking man and has always said I’m beautiful, he loves me, is very loving towards me. Tonight we had a long chat and spoke about men and women in relationships. My BF said “men settle in relationships” I questioned further and asked did he settle for me. He then said “everyone settles in relationships”. My life came tumbling down in this moment realising my BF settled for me. I’ve cried for many hours and sick to my stomach. He came over, apologised said he has never loved anyone more. And then said he mis spoke and he was just talking about “appearance”, indicating he settled in terms of my appearance. I’ve never been so upset. I know he’s a good looking guy. And his mum said to me once that I will truly see if he loves me once I’m old. I’m starting to feel like I’ve been a laughing stock, a big joke, all his family think it and know it. I don’t know if they are but that’s how it feels to me. I don’t doubt he loves me. I just can’t get past the fact that he has openly admitted to me that he feels he could have done better in the looks department. Part of me doesn’t know how I could be with someone knowing this but I love this man also. We had no issues. Just looking for help on how to move forward with this because I’m stuck
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…I think he shouldn’t be a speech writer… and he was probably thinking what he was saying you’d see as positive (well maybe if he phrased it way-way better you might of…)
I think what he meant to say was he decided you’re what he is looking for and he’s happy.
I’ve failed miserably at that speech before, and if I said just that I’d be better off. But instead I said I’ve dated better looking people, more interesting, better sex,… but I’m happiest with you (I might have been a little drunk)…
He is settling, but so are you (apparently for a bad speech maker). The dream girl that did everything right with who knows who looks isn’t you. And your dream guy, with who knows with what job/voice/demeanor he isn’t either. He sees you as his best shot of being happy for a very long time, deciding he doesn’t need to look anymore (settle) is the best life choice he can make. And as long as you’re ok with a guy that probably needs to think before he speaks a bit more, he’s probably hoping you feel the same way.
First, he is an AH for saying the first thing and then thinking he was fixing it but only making it worse. Also, maybe he negging to undermine your confidence and make you more dependent/attached to him?
Second, it’d be fair to say he is settling temporarily. This is just a 2 year relationship. So if another woman gave him attention, he would just leave?
Third, I don’t think you can trust him again or there’s anything he can do to make you feel better about the relationship and you.
> but I love this man also
Wouldn’t you want someone who loves you as you love them and not someone who is an AH and said this shit?
I’m sorry. Let him chase whatever mythical hot girl with the down-to-earth, sweet, caring personality he thinks is out there.
“I’m just a big dumb guy” is not an excuse for saying hurtful things to your partner.
Sorry again, OP. I can’t imagine he would have taken it in stride if the situation were reversed.
“I love you despite your looks”. Girl break up. You deserve better. I dated this guy who dated actual models. He never made me feel like anything less then the most beautiful women he’d ever met, even though that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Many “good looking” men choose less attractive women because they think they’ll be easier to control and manipulate. Him telling you that he settled his him setting this up. You’ll dance harder to please him knowing he settled for you. It’s what he wants.
What exactly does he mean when he said he ‘settled’ for you due to ‘appearance.’
Since he always told you in the past that you’re beautiful. Which is it, was he lying when he told you you’re beautiful? Did he mean, you’re beautiful for someone else and not him? Or that you’re beautiful but not beautiful enough for him? Or does he mean you’re beautiful but not usually his ‘type?’ Like (for example) his type in the past was blonde-hair blue eyed, while yours dark hair-dark eyes situation?
What the heck. Who’d say sh1t like this when they’re allegedly in love. Tell him that you don’t know if you could be with someone who thought you’re unattractive so they settled for you anyway. Be honest, you say you guys had no issue, so communicate with him how you feel.
omg girl…..girl…..girl…he put his foot in his mouth. big time. everyone settles in some way or another, but we never say it. ever.
you have to think if this is a deal breaker for you or not.
“You settled for me”
“Everyone settles”
*starts crying*
“I just meant I settled for your looks”
Because THAT’s better lmao.
Your bf is insulting and an id*ot.
How exactly does this play out? You will NEVER trust a compliment from him. You won’t feel secure because if he “settled,” that means he’s only as faithful as his options.
I suppose you could go to couples counseling and have a neutral third party help you both sort through it. That’s what you do when you don’t want to break up, but can’t move forward. You’ll discover if it can be fixed or if his stupidity was in fact just the truth coming out at an inopportune moment
I suspect though that you’ll end up leaving because it’s really hard to come back from being the person he settled for
Also, don’t be shocked if he proposes. That’s what happens when he realizes he fucked up. It’s meant to placate you. It’s not a well considered, thoughtful gesture of love.
Some things cannot be unheard. He may love you, but does he love you fully in the way you want to be loved? It’s normal to believe there are other beautiful people in the world other than your SO, it’s another thing to actually feel and admit to your SO that you are not totally enamored with them physically/aesthetically. What else will he be shallow about in your future? It’s worth thinking over. Is he this careless with his comments in other ways? Does he make you feel less than adequate in other ways? Don’t you agree to settle for crappy love, if everything except the filter on his mouth is great, then so be it. Otherwise rethink about what you are willing to settle for….
Let him go and find a guy who thinks you are the best.
He is overestimating how cute he is, btw. Guy beyond cuteness should provide money, position and success, those thing beat cuteness any day. Hot girl he thinks is a match will not look at his looks only.
Damn OP
OP realize this will be hard but you need to talk through this can of worms that your bf has opened.
EXACTLY how is he settling and if it as to looks what does he mean? As another poster noted are you different than his usual choice and he’s said that extremely poorly or does he truly think he settled for you?
Been with my SO over 30 years. Age and gravity are not kind to any of us but to me he is as handsome now as when we met and even more so as I know his heart.
That is who you deserve to be with OP – someone who sees you as their perfect for them person. Not someone settled for.
So by your logic he’s settled for you how?
‘Cause you and his mum think he’s attractive.
He might not be a cavetroll but I can promise you with that personality it’s you who’s settled for a horrible human being with a decent exterior.
I’d move on. Get both and laugh my way into a happy life with a partner who values my brains as well as my body.
Do YOU want to settle for HIM?
Well, he is very similar to his mother. Who says that shit
If my bf ever said that to me, I could never get past it. It would be a deal breaker for me because I have more dignity than to allow myself to stay and have him disrespect me like that.
Leave him. U wanna always know this person settled 4 u?
Sounds like my ex. He wasn’t exactly a looker, but when I fell for him, he was the guy for me. I would always say he was handsome,good looking but his compliments were far and few. He said he didn’t give them out as often because he didn’t want me to think he was insincere…🙄
He settled for me, because he couldn’t have his ex who hethought was the hottest woman ever (beauty in eye of the beholder). When the novelty wore off, he lost interest and I tried to navigate our relationship for years.
Save yourself the heartache. Bail.
OP, I’m sorry, no one deserves that. I can’t even handle this in casual relationships, let alone committed relationships. I would personally not be able to move past this. Every woman deserves a man who feels that she is the most beautiful woman in the world.
I’d ask him if he’d set up a joint account to pay for plastic surgery to fix what he doesn’t like. Then, once I’m satisfied with the amount in there, I’d empty it and close the account and tell him you settled for a satisfactory compensation for him wasting your time
I don’t mean I settled for YOU just your looks. LOL oh my god he really thought that would help.
It’s OK because you “settled” for a douchy, unpleasant dud, but it’s OK, at least he’s handsome when his mouth is shut
What are the odds he’s just reeeaaaallllyyyy bad at expressing or articulating his thoughts? Just throwing darts here.
Girl, please. You can do better.
Him saying that is basically saying, you’re not that pretty but I love you. Lol what?
Is it really love if your boyfriend says hurtful things to you?
Is it love that he thinks your appearance is not hot enough that it’s considered settling?
Like come on, no man who’s in love will speak so low of their partner.
When a guy says something hurtful never question further just leave. There was no need for him to bring that up other than to hurt you even without you questioning further.
I pity straight women because usually unless she is way out of his league no matter how much their bf/husband tells her she is beautiful…he likely wanted someone more attractive than her. Women never really win when it comes to appearance by my men standards.
My advice is to end things. If you want to stay in this relationship then you need to stop putting him on a pedestal and everyday right five flaws you see about him.
Oh I’m so sorry. The thing is…well, unless he’s a moron, he said those things with intention. And I can’t think of a single reason to deliberately say those things to you that isn’t a bad reason. Either he wanted more power in your relationship or he’s negging you to lower your self-esteem and make you more dependent on him.
Perhaps you should consider not settling for a man who doesn’t think as much of you as you do of him. You deserve better.
His comments—even his apology—are crushing. Recovering from this may not be possible.
I feel so bad for you.
You need to consult with friends and family that love you unconditionally and get their opinions.
You talk about the love you both have for each other but you will never be able to unheard those comments.
I really don’t know if you—or anyone—can move on from this.
Jesus Christ, I can’t imagine ever saying anything like this to someone I care about. Does he regularly say things that undermine your confidence? If so, bail. That’s emotional abuse and a precursor to potential physical abuse. My sister went through a very difficult situation with her second husband. He trashed her confidence and had her believing that no one else could ever want her. He beat her down emotionally. He isolated her, and he beat her physically. Her story is heartbreaking. I was really too young to understand what was happening, but it only ended when my grandfather told him, “ If I ever see her with another bruise, I will kill you. I’m an old man, and she’s young with a long life left.” I vividly remember Papaw saying that. My sister left her husband because 1) she knew that he’d beat her again, and 2) Papaw meant what he said. He never made idle threats.
I really hope this isn’t your situation, but that’s how it started with my sister. Little comments (“jokes”) until she started believing him. Please don’t let anyone take away your confidence in yourself. Hold him accountable for his behavior.
If it were me, that comment would destroy my relationship with a boyfriend. I’d never look back. I don’t care if he thinks it, saying that is messed up.
Your boyfriend is kind of stupid.
People who are in love do not speak this way. Break up & vet harder.
I thought it couldn’t get worse but he actually did when he clarified he meant be settled for your looks 🫣
Dump him. Tell him you’ve come to the realisation he ain’t all that and you don’t believe in settling.
And for what it’s worth, I’m deeply sorry for how this must have made you feel. It was really shitty of him to say and I can’t help but think he’s been waiting to say this to you and didn’t use his one brain cell to think how hurtful it would have been.
If you stay with him now you’ll be the one settling for someone. We should be with the ones we really want. Let him chase the hot girl of his dreams. Go recover and focus on yourself. Someone who is excited to be with you will find you. If not that’s okay too.
I am sorry but I could not be with someone who told me they were settling for me. I would never feel the same about them, and would come to lose my own self esteem. This is what you have to decide, can you love him, and make love to him know he feels like he is settling. Not everyone feels that way by the way.
You are beautiful. And I’m sorry your boyfriend made you feel otherwise. I think you need to consider if this is something you can look past in the future or not. Can you forgive him and overlook it and not think about it? I know I couldn’t. But everyone’s relationship is different. Do what’s best for your mental health and happiness. There is someone out there for you who truly will think you’re beautiful, all jokes aside.
Don’t settle for someone who makes you feel anything less than beautiful and happy.
I think it’s true that most people settle in some capacity in relationships. This statement alone isn’t a problem but, his explanation on how he settled is beyond cruel and OP deserves better. Most of the time when I comment on posts I’m real quick to say what I would do in a situation, but this time I will give advice. Go get some therapy and start working on how you feel about yourself. When he made this statement it should have immediately clashed with what you know to be true. The truth is that your beautiful, deserving of love and adoration. You are a catch, a blessing and too good for your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend is full of himself and full of shit. I think you have been settling for him, not in “appearances” but behavior. For him to say something like this, illustrates to me that he is not as great as you think he is. Is his family full of themselves, too? Sometimes, things like this illuminate problems you have never noticed. And no, all men do not “settle.”
I think saying he settled for your appearance is worse it’s like he’s saying you’re ugly but it ok because he can see past it