My husband and I can’t seem to agree on something and it’s driven a wedge between us. When I had our son 11 months ago I didn’t get to take maternity leave because I wasn’t employed long enough to qualify so I worked from home and raised the baby, my husband took parental leave and helped. While I was working his family was constantly dropping by and saying unnecessary things to me and they started just walking through our house without a heads up or even a knock on the door, my husband kept the house unlocked for them. They are old so they always expected a clean home and the baby to be bathed and looking his best when they came by or else they would always comment on it if the house wasn’t clean or if I wasn’t doing something the moment they were there like giving the baby a drink of water or playing him music while they were there. I started getting major anxiety and would stay awake until 1am cleaning our house and would wake back up at 4am with the baby. I was exhausted so this led to countless of fights over it. I requested that he have them call prior to coming to give me a heads up which he would not do. It kept happening and even after he did eventually ask them to call first they didn’t respect that and kept showing up anyway. I made him request that they come after work or on the weekends. My husband cannot forgive me for requesting this as he feels I came between him and his family and it goes against his “morals”. He thinks I am disrespectful towards him and his family for making that request. He often makes comments that I am the reason his family doesn’t come over to visit anymore. I cannot forgive him for him not respecting my privacy and boundaries in my own home and for choosing his family over me. I’ve developed trust issues within our marriage and I can’t even look at him the same anymore. We went to couples counselling in hopes to resolve it but it didn’t help, the counsellor told him there was nothing wrong in asking to come after work hours and that I am lucky to be able to work from home that nobody would be visiting if we were working in office but he still doesn’t understand. should I just forgive him and move on?
3 comments
That isn’t how forgiveness works.
You have to come to an agreement and your husband has to be a part of that. He has to apologize both for violating your boundaries and for all his emotional abuse after the fact.
Otherwise, you are signing up for an unhappy marriage, or a divorce.
Just giving him blanket ‘forgiveness’ is signing up to be a doormat. Do not do it.
No, his family does not respect boundaries. What if you started showing up at their place at in the middle of the night just because? Shouldn’t you expect the same treatment as they require? Door unlocked and unlimited privileges? Sadly, when we get married parts of our families we may have not known as well begin to creep up on us and it makes us rethink everything we know, sadly it’s often too little too late.
You’ll have to raise your voice, get angry and make sure you’re heard.
No, there needs to be compromise. It’s unreasonable to have people just drop by willy-nilly. I’ve had to talk to my family members and my in laws about this as well.
First my MIL swung by unannounced to “see her grandson” and I was as prickly as a cactus. Spoke with my husband and MIL and set the clear expectation to call/text before stopping by to see if I’m available.
Just today I woke up to find my father in my living room and boy did I ever give him an earful about just using his key to come into the house.
I can’t imagine talking to my husband and him just dismissing these things. Your husband needs to understand that just because you’re home it doesn’t mean you’re available.