Okay. I (28F) have been getting fed up with my boyfriend (32M) making all of his minute problems my problem. I’m not sure if I am being insensitive or if we are simply incompatible in our relationship of 2 years. He will ask me seemingly simple questions, like why is the bluetooth not pairing to his computer via the headphones? How long to cook a potato for? How much detergent goes in the dishwasher? How to get to the nearest gas station? Where is the best place to park? Questions. about everything. I know some people communicate primarily with questions, but to me it feels like a task or a debate and it either feels exhausting to even engage in conversation about or I’m annoyed because I don’t know why these problems are my problem/ responsibility. He makes it feel like every questions is so urgent and extreme and I not understand. I’ve observed him speaking this way to others, and they reciprocate with “hm I don’t know, but let me google it I bet we can find the answer.” But I don’t know why that seems like so much work to me? I think I am a compassionate and supportive partner, and when real issues come up I encourage we talk about it. But, am I the one in the wrong? If I know what to google to find the answers should I do it? Is it rude that I’m thinking “figure it out yourself”? Or are we just incompatible with how our brains process questions and communication. I definitely lean more on the introverted, internal processing/ thinking so this could be another layer but… If anyone has this experience with communication or the questioners perspective I would be open to hearing about it!
tl;dr am i being insensitive or communicating poorly to my boyfriends questions?
10 comments
It’s called weaponized incompetence. Your partner is capable of problem solving on his own but would rather you do all the work instead. Like you’re his mother, instead of his partner.
Has it been this way thru out?
Hi! I do not have any insight unfortunately but I(28f) also feel the exact same way with my husband (34m). He does this everyday now and it’s so confusing. Lately it’s been annoying me, and I do try to be nice but I’ve definitely asked him why doesn’t he just Google it? š I’m used to just figuring stuff out and only ever asking someone as a last resort after I’ve exhausted all other options so it’s very weird to me. I’m sorry I don’t have advice but you’re not alone and I also have similar feelings about it. Do we just buy an Alexa or something so they’ll just ask their random questions to that? XD oof
He may not even realize what heās doing, at least to that extent. Have you triedā¦ talking to him about it?
Is he unaware that Google exists? Is he allergic to the internet?
I had two paid interns at my corporate marketing job years ago. One would be given a task and she figured out what to do with a little guidance. The other had to be hand held throughout. He wasnāt hired after graduation.
She was.
Some people are external processors. This could be that. Does he actually need you to look it up for him? Or does he just need help processing what to do?
For some people, running commentary like that is just part of how they think. I agree with another commenter, if it bothers you, have you tried talking to him about it? Maybe you could try and understand why he does it, see what he says, and see if you can work something out.
Or maybe you’re just incompatible. But I’m guessing a conversation will help you determine which.
Weaponised incompetence. He makes your life so difficult that eventually youāll just do it yourself instead of having to go through the pain of him doing it.
Ask him why he is not embarrassed that he doesnāt know how google works at his age? Did he time travel here from the Stone Age? Iād be answering every question with āI donāt know, did you look it up?ā (Actually, thatās not true, Iād dump him. Who has time to waste on men like this).
Just say: āI donāt know. Youāll have to Google it.ā Thereās no reason for you to Google it for him, heās being lazy. My fiancĆ© sometimes does this but not this extremeā¦heāll ask me some random question and Iāll just be like: āWhy would I know that? Use your phone.ā I have no patience for it. Iām not his assistant.
Maybe you could say “hey, it would mean a lot to me if you tried to figure this one out on your own and took the lead on this task/problem. Thanks babe!” and then leave the room š Don’t say it with anger, say it with warmth. Good luck!