I am F(20) dating a F(21). We have been in a relationship for more than 1 year. We had our ups and downs where in the initial stages, where I have been accused of not putting in enough efforts, and I had issues of not having enough space. But we talked and sorted stuff like this. We had lots of talks of how I need space to be own self. We also have this recurring fight during LDR where after every 10 days of being apart, she says that I’m not there for her during her hard times, that she’s not my number 1 priority like I am hers always. The fight revolves around how she always sacrifices her academics, her time, whatever she goes through if I’m having a hard time but when she is going through a hard time, (especially in LDR where I’m with my family who cannot know about us) I treat her as second priority. We always have at least one of these fights. We had a lot of conversations and found a way to do better so that we are catering to each other’s needs. We both put in equal efforts to do that. But, this fight I mentioned above never goes away. No matter how present I am when I am away, no matter how many things I sacrifice so that she feels like I’m there, it never goes away. I feel like this is about our values of how we see love. Her idea of love is sacrificial, where you drop everything to tend for those you love when they need you, etc. My idea of love is more like one where we both are individuals, in a partnership, supporting each other, rather than making them our everything. She often says “you are my everything” in a romantic way, but more I think about it, I am starting to feel like that’s not healthy. My question is, can this be worked out with more talking or, the value difference that keeps cropping up is never going to go away?
TL;DR girlfriend views love as sacrificial, I view it as a support system. Fights always surround this. Any advice on how to make it work despite this difference that has started to seem a bit fundamental after 1 year into the relationship?
1 comment
Hey sorry to say, the only way to solve this is to talk through it. Ad nauseam.