Hi everyone like the title says in 23f my husband is 34m we’ve been married for 4 years. We are expecting our second child, we have another who is 3.
My first pregnancy was very easy compared to this one. Even though they call it “morning sickness” it happens to me throughout any point in the day, and it actually seems to be worse in the afternoon and at night.
My husband thinks that because 1) I’m not as sick in the mornings and 2) I wasn’t sick for my first that I’m making this up or making it worse than it is. If I have to go throw up while I’m making dinner or taking care of our son he rolls his eyes or if he’s in a really bad mood will stand outside the bathroom lecturing me until I get out. Last night we got into a big fight because he had to bathe our son because I was sick. He said some very hurtful things about how I was lazy and not doing my job as a mother and using being sick as an excuse to get out of doing my job.
I’ve tried to show him articles about morning sickness and educate him but he still just believes that morning sickness happens only in the morning and I’m making it up and “forcing” myself to vomit. He’s called me “ridiculous”, “dramatic”, and a liar.
I don’t get it because he’s a very intelligent man but he is just so stuck in his idea for this, what can I do to make him see this isn’t the case?
30 comments
I don’t think you can educate him, he’s just a first class arsehole. Sorry you are putting up with him but you do have options, not every relationship is forever especially if he’s not willing to listen. He could even go to the doctor with you to discuss it
hyperemesis is a thing and also please communicate with your doctor how much you are vomiting.
Hyperemesis gravidarum is closely linked with preeclampsia. In a study of 8 million pregnant women, hyperemesis gravidarum was associated with a 16% greater likelihood of having preeclampsia and 84% greater likelihood of eclampsia.
Also you probably won’t be able to change his mind.
Just take care of yourself.
Your husband sounds like an arrogant asshole, if you’ll excuse me. Next time you feel sick, maybe just puke right in front of him and then tell him to clean it up since you are faking it. It sounds like you’ve allowed him to think that because you are the SAHM, you are the inferior one in the relationship. That needs to be addressed ASAP. Yes, as the SAHM, you do accept the majority of the household chores, child care, etc. as part of the “contract,” but that doesn’t absolve him 100% of his needing to be a father and caregiver either.
Invite him to your next doctor’s appointment, and have the doctor explain to him about how “morning” sickness actually works. Also, just because your first pregnancy went well, does not indicate that every other pregnancy you’ll ever go through will be the same. My ex-wife had a similar situation with our second child, so I get where you are coming from.
Honestly op im actually quite scared for you, you’re problems extend much further than your husband just not understanding morning sickness. Listen to what he is telling you- he thinks you’re lazy, he thinks you’re a liar, he thinks it’s ok to lecture you, he thinks you’re a bad mother and he thinks that doing the parenting is your job. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks that about you? I don’t even think that negatively about people I genuinely hate, let alone those I love
It’s not that he doesn’t believe you. It’s that he doesn’t care about you. He’s annoyed that your pregnancy is inconveniencing him. You aren’t being a good, quiet little Wife Appliance. You cannot make people care about you. I’d think very long and hard about spending any more time with this man. I strongly recommend you get a job and start earning your own income. This is not going to get better.
Your husband is an arsehole. Pregnancy sickness happens all day long. Parenting is both of your job, not just yours, even if you are a SAHM. Bit skeeved out too about your age gap. So a man in late 20s when after barely legal 17-18 year old? (married 4 years at 23, dating beforehand)
Is no one going to point out that she was 19 when she got married to a 30 year old?
Yeah, it’s because 30-year-olds who date 19-year-olds are gross pieces of shit lol. Sorry you’re apparently going to have to learn that lesson the hard way
Your husband lacks compassion for you and expects you to do all the childcare and cleaning and cooking under all circumstances- no excuses. He resents having to do “your job” and doesn’t want to be responsible to have to help. You’re going to have a rough time in future. You won’t be permitted to get sick or ask for much help. Your job is 24/7 and has no sick days or vacation according to him. He doesn’t actually care if you sick, he only cares that it gets in the way of having you do all domestic work and childcare. It’s not your fault as you got with him when you were only a teen and didn’t know what to look for in a partner. Unfortunately you did not marry an empathetic king and this is an indication of what life will be like with him.
There is a reason a 30yo married a 19yo. And it wasn’t because you were mature for your age. It was because youth = inexperience = no frame of reference for healthy relationships.
This man does not care about you. He knows you’re not lying. He just doesn’t care. He is using this as a way of forcing you to defend and explain because he wants you to feel lesser.
I cannot emphasise enough how much you need to leave this man.
This is not a relationship you want to model for your children.
Do you havr any trusted family/friends that you know will have your back 100%?
So I worry about you, OP. Based on news, TV shows, movies, either he has a person in the side and looking for an out, or he will physically hurt you because just doesn’t see you has valuable. Visit http://www.thehotline.org and learn the red flags.
Your husband is is using you as a baby factory, he’s forcing you to do all of the house work and all of the child raising just so he can have his perfect little wife and kids family life but trust me, this gets worse. Right now it’s just telling you you’re a liar and a bad mother but later on down the road when you’re not doing exactly what he wants, the tactics will change. I suggest you listen to the gaslighter song by the chick’s. Then their little song about a man named Earl.
Do you have a good relationship with your mom or dad? If so you need to tell them what is happening and get some support. This isn’t normal behavior. You deserve better.
He doesn’t care about you. He just needed to baby trap a kid so that they can y go anywhere and stuck to put up with his shit. That’s why older creeps go after teenagers.
19 year old married to a 30 year old man. That says it all
Guys like him date young girls because women their own age won’t date them because they’ll call them out for their BS.
Don’t waste your energy trying to convince him. He doesn’t want to believe you. It means he has to feed and bathe his child. Which somehow all the times you were doing it doesn’t make him “lazy” or not “doing his job as a father”.
He’s an AH.
Honestly, connect the dots. Do you think a good man marries a 19-year-old when he’s 30? Please for the love of God leave him!
Let’s all share a heavy age gap sigh
You are not going to get productive answers here. The age gap and you being 19 getting married to a 30 year old? Yeah, that’s disgusting. He married you because women his age think he’s immature…. See how that aligns?
A 30 year old grown ass man married a literal teenager. Why do you think that is?
You can have the doctor talk to him. You could also stop running for the bathroom and just vomit in front of him to he figures it out. I know this is a reddit staple but honestly why do you want to be with someone who berates you when you’re sick? This is literally in your wedding vows- to care for each other in sickness. He is treating your you poorly. Can you go to your parents for a while?
After reading this, I want to come to your house and punch your husband. Like, fuck that dude! You need to make notes of his behavior, share it with his friends, and let them shame him. Because they should be doing that.
So your husband is questioning your character by suggesting you are inducing your vomiting? That you are *”making it up and “forcing” myself to vomit. ….“ridiculous”, “dramatic”, and a liar.”*
Personally I would be blind with anger at what he is straight up accusing.
You can take him with you to your next OB appointment (maybe he’ll listen to the doctor, especially if said doctor is male, I imagine) but frankly you have bigger issues.
Reason 1,482 why teenagers shouldn’t marry men 11 years older.
I also had an easy pregnancy with our first and had nausea/vomiting for seven months straight with our second. If my husband accused me of making it up so he had to pick up more of house and first kid duties, he would be seeing his kids every second weekend. Luckily for me, he basically did everything because I could hardly function.
You married an older man and got pregnant straight away making it harder for you to leave. The power dynamics are off in your relationship and he is controlling and abusive. You won’t convince him about morning sickness or change his mind because he doesn’t consider you his equal both intellectually and as a partner. I hope you have family or a friend that can help you leave him because your future doesn’t look good if you stay.
I would be more concerned about a grown ass man marrying a teenager. Was he with you before you were 18? That’s rape many places. I wouldn’t expect a man who dated teenagers to be a good partner and I would be watching him around my kids.
What about when the kid is sick? Is he gonna think the kid is a liar too? I don’t think your relationship is gonna work out. You have a long hard life ahead of you with him. It’s not too late to get out.
His brood mare and maid isn’t working properly, that’s why he is angry, how long was he grooming …sorry dating you before you got married? Your husband is pretty gross. I would suggest he goes along to your midwife appointments but I’m sure another woman wouldn’t make him understand.
Please tell your doctor about your nausea and vomiting – they can help and you need monitoring. As others have mentioned, you are at higher risk for severe complications. This could be life-threatening.
If your husband will come with you to a doctor’s appointment, take him so he can get schooled on your condition and how serious it can be.
Tell your doctor about his behaviors, as well. These are some big red flags, if not outright abuse. You are also at higher risk of escalated abuse during pregnancy. Your doc may be able to get you set up with support services if you need to leave. They should be asking you at every visit if you are safe: you are not safe.
This is why we say the only kind of 30yos marrying early 20’s/late teens is the loser kind.